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who i've never met in my life, all of sudden, decided to come back into my life. Given that we live in opposite sides of the country, he has tried to have contact with me for the past few months like time hasn't passed. It's been 20 years and now he shows up. I'm very indifferent towards him. I just don't know what a father is, however, the curiousity is there, to know the person most people would call Dad.
I always had the impression he was a complete Homophobe. In his time, he was to say the least, a ladies man. Hence why i have knowledge of a half brother who is few months older than me. Even more interesting, he is also gay. I guess it was your fault dad. I was told he doesn't talk to the other boy;me, on the other hand, i'm very curious to meet him. i would have to travel far and outside the country to see him, but i can find out his address. just to tell him he is not alone...runs in the family, fathers side of the family.
anyways, i just don't know how to handle this. He knows of my sexuality, and frankly, he says he is too old to care about that stuff. He just wants to get to know me. spend time with me, etc. Strange, but where was him when i needed him. He always knew where i was, how to contact me, but never tried till now. He has requested me to go visit him (he pays for the trip). He wants to meet me. I just don't know what to do. I wouldn't know what to say or how to act. Should i call him dad? He was never there though. What if he expects too much of me? I just don't know. Too many questions.
i'm just too confused right now.
You don't love someone because they are beautiful, they are beautiful because you love them.
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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If your absentee father wants to have contact with you what do you have to loose?
After all, if he is indeed gay, might it just possibly be that he was not allowed contact with you? It has been known to happen... Perhaps he wanted to see you all along...
Maybe he is a total jerk and doesnt deserve the time of day....
The fact of the matter is that you will never find out unless you get to know him...
And believe me I know about troubles with parents.... There were a lot of years when I didnt speak or see my parents.... After, when I made contact and they recipricated we got to be the family I never had when I was younger... With me it was my mom that was the major part of the problem and when we patched things up we were the closest of friends... I miss her every day and sometimes I shed a tear or two when I think of her...
My dad and I are close, good friends, and we visit as often as possible and talk on the phone all the time...
M..., think about all this hard, very hard, you only have one father... At least give him a chance to make things right between you.
Good luck,
Marc
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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You have nothing to lose. He may be what you find you need, or he may be a waste of space. But there is not a thing to lose by finding out
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Dear M,
I agree with Timmy - you have nothing to lose. Am I right to think it is your half-brother who is gay? Does your father know that? What makes you say it runs in the family and that it is your father's 'fault'?
If I were you I would be interested to find out those things about your father that might have a bearing on your own life - your heredity can be useful in diagnosing yourself. For example in his late seventies my father's knees got painful with arthritis and he stopped taking the dog for walks. Now I'm 73 my knees are beginning to give me trouble!
I'd think hard about the sort of questions to ask and have several lines of questioning ready in case one made the conversation turn sour. There's no point in recriminations.
The important thing for you to decide is what you want from such a meeting and what sort of outcome would make you feel it was worth the effort - and if after thinking about that you aren't moved by curiosity to set up a meeting - then don't.
Love,
Anthony
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After a series of disagreements, some of which were about my sexuality, my father and I stopped speaking when I was in my 20s ... for 20 years, during which time he emigrated. Then he started phoning me a couple of times a year ... that's been going on for seven or eight years now, and my brother is hatching a plan for us to fly to Canada this summer to see him (as he may not have much longer to live, and has just split up from wife number seven).
My own answers to some of the questions - they may work for you, they may not:
The thing about whether or not to call him "Dad". So far, it just hasn't felt right to me ... if I ever sense that he's reached a level of unconditional acceptance, I probably will, but we're not there yet.
What if he expects too much from me? In my own case, I feel that he's given up any right to "expect" anything ... indeed, most of the problems arose from him "expecting" me to be like him, which clearly I'm not! If the relationship develops when we see each other, we might gradually re-build expectations of each other ... but at the moment, I'm making it clear that nothing can be taken for granted.
what to say or how to act Well, at least on the phone, I'm going for a variant of how I am at work: fully out, apparently self-confident and successful, gently deflecting anything that looks as though it's heading for a contentious area of conversation. I'm also being careful not to show signs of pity ... though he clearly now has a rather lonely and unfulfilled existence. I'm not sure that I could keep this up in person, though!
To be honest, I'm not sure that I could meet my father on my own: the trip being planned includes my Brother, his wife, and their daughter, all of whom know me very well, and can help me keep my balance. And we'll be able to go off and do things if my father proves too much to cope with. Do you have anyone (good friend, perhaps) who could go with you on a linked holiday, so you could play it by ear if you feel the need for time out?
M, our situations are different in that my parents were together until I was 12, but perhaps my answers may be useful to you. All the best with it, however you decide to play it.
NW
"The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral, begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy. ... Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night devoid of stars." Martin Luther King
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yea, the half brother is the one who is gay. dad knows it and doesn't talk to him for other reasons. at least, its what he says.
when i said it run in the family... most of the gay people i know in the family... come from his side. i was kind of joking there.
You don't love someone because they are beautiful, they are beautiful because you love them.
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JimB
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Likes it here |
Registered: December 2006
Messages: 349
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He can never be the father that you never had; that would require turning back the clock, which you can't do. You say you never met him and that it's been 20 years now, so you must be about 20, a time in a guy's life when a father can be an important influence. But that is usually based upon 20 years of growing together, knowing each other, fighting each other, respecting each other, etc. The best that he can do now is be an older friend, if even that.
What do you think of the title "Dad"? To you, does it represent the male person who raised you? Who taught you the difference between right and wrong? Who taught you how to ride a bike, play ball, ski, or whatever? Does it represent the guy who helped you out of tough times when you fucked up? "Dad" is a title, not a person's name. Does this man deserve that title from you?
You are curious and I expect that is natural. But before you act on that curiousity you should understand what you expect from the relationship. And you should give some thought as to whether or not is is able to provide what you are seeking from him.
Good Luck,
JimB
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saben
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On fire! |
Registered: May 2003
Messages: 1537
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I'd go. But I'd call him by his first name.
20 years is too long.
My first and only meeting with my father was when I was 14. I can understand the indifference.
If he's willing to pay then give him a chance. He can prove himself to you- show you what he's willing to offer you.
You've survived 20 years without him. You haven't needed him for 20 years and you don't need him now.
But he might still be a valuable addition to your life. Or not. Meeting him is the only way you can find out.
Look at this tree. I cannot make it blossom when it suits me nor make it bear fruit before its time [...] No matter what you do, that seed will grow to be a peach tree. You may wish for an apple or an orange, but you will get a peach.
Master Oogway
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Thank you for everyone who responded. Is like hearing my mother talk, not that it's a bad thing, but she said the same thing, to just go and give him the opportunity to meet me, and most important, give myself the opportunity to meet him because we only have one father. I guess i won't truely know till i'm face to face with him.
I know for a fact my sexuality won't be an issue. He doesn't care. In fact, my sexuality is not a problem in my family at all, and thats a good thing. However, meeting my father feels very weird. I won't know what to say or how to act. I don't think i can call him dad. I don't even know what to call him. I just don't understand why now.
Again... thank you. Your input is appreciated. Gave me things to consider and i guess i won't lose anything by meeting him.
You don't love someone because they are beautiful, they are beautiful because you love them.
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Dear M,
Well I always called my father George. When I reached the age when 'daddy' seemed girlish I asked him whether I could call him 'dad' but he cavilled at that and said 'father' would be OK with him. But that felt too Victorian to me (and maybe a bit too respectful - as if I were his good little boy like Lord Fauntleroy). So he stayed George for the rest of his life.
(And he was christened Jorge Abel as both his (unmarried) parents spoke spanish, coming from Bogota).
Love,
Anthony
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M, may I say something about this? I know Im just a kid, but I gave this some thought. I tried to put myself in your place and then tried to maybe look at things from your fathers view. First, your mom and dad separated for some reason, whoes fault it is really doesnt mater, the fact is they separated. Second, purhaps there is a reason your dad didnt try to contact you or be in your life. The answers to these question can only be answered by your father. Third, you said it, You only have one father. Forth, maybe he needs to find closure for himself and for you. My mom says that when we get older we look back and regreat the things we didnt do properly and there is a need to try and set things right or as right as possible. I know my grandpa drove his mom to Oklahoma City so she could patch up an argument she had with a friend 40 years befor. She couldnt stand the idea that she would die knowing someone was angry with her. Go see your father, talk to him, be fair and try to understand what he says. Because he wasnt there doesnt mean that he didnt love you.
My mom says that eventually the time will come when I forgive my dad for what he did. Right now I cant see that, but none of us knows what the future will bring.
Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you......
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Curtis wrote:
M, may I say something about this? I know Im just a kid, but I gave this some thought.
Curtis, please forgive me, but this is something that I really feel I must say (and I suspect that many others here will support me in this).
Please stop saying that you are just a kid. Your posts on this message board discover for us a very intelligent, perceptive and caring young man. It is almost always a pleasure to read what you have to say and it is in no way childish or immature. You are not a kid, you are you.
J F R
The paradox has often been noted that the United States, founded in secularism, is now the most religiose country in Christendom, while England, with an established church headed by its constitutional monarch, is among the least. (Richard Dawkins, 2006)
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Dear M,
Like the others have said, I think you should meet your father. You shouldn't feel obliged to do so, just because you are his son. In fact, it is his duty to try to stitch together a relationship that never was there.
I'm a father myself, and if I had the opportunity to talk to your father I would have told him that only he can start mending the road to his son's heart. If he does that job well I'm sure that he will be blessed by discovering what a wonderful son he has.
Finally, I hope that your father does care about your sexuality, and that he will love and support you even more knowing that you are gay.
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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I've been thinking the same for a long time.
You know what, Curtis?
I'd be proud to be your dad. You're a fine man.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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saben
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On fire! |
Registered: May 2003
Messages: 1537
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I noticed the same thing.
It's especially irritating when directed towards myself (23) or M (20). We're not that much older! We're "just kids" compared to others on the forum, too 
A 16 year old isn't so different to a 23 or 20 year old. I doubt there's much I know that you don't. If you were say, 12, then you'd be "just a kid". But a 16 year old is a young adult, mature in a lot of ways, capable of determining their own path in a lot of ways.
In Australia a 16 year old can legally move away from home, have sex, leave school to work, drive and a variety of other things. And an 18 year old is fully autonomous under the law.
You don't have to be old to give advice, Curtis. Especially when the ones receiving the advice aren't that much older than you!
Look at this tree. I cannot make it blossom when it suits me nor make it bear fruit before its time [...] No matter what you do, that seed will grow to be a peach tree. You may wish for an apple or an orange, but you will get a peach.
Master Oogway
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completely agree here. i took his input the same as everyone else's. I can relate to him as much as he can probably relate to me.
i am 20 (21 soon), although most people think i'm 16 or something. I'll take the compliments of looking younger when i'm 40, right now i would prefer to look older as people do treat you differently when you look older.
You don't love someone because they are beautiful, they are beautiful because you love them.
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wow dudes, I guess what I was trying to say was that older guys have much more experience with life and things like this. I just know how I think I would feel in the same situation. I watch my mom and uncle and my grands and how they handle things and try to learn from that. "M", I hope you discover something special and you develope a good relationship with your father. Best of luck.
Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you......
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Curtis, I echo Timmy's thoughts exactly. I,too, would be proud to be your dad. You are wise beyond your years and have shown great compasion to those in need.
It seems we came up with the short (shit) end of the stick when it comes to both our fathers. I guess it's their loss.
~aqua~
There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love. Washington Irving
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