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Okay, which one of you blokes sent me this email? ;-D
To the citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates
for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give
notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties
over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she
does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America
without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be
disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether
any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour'
and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without
skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the
suffix '-ise'.
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable
levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such
as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers,
or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows
that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be
handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without
suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to
handle a gun.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
dangerous than a vegetable peeler . A permit will be required if you wish to
carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start
driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense
of humour.
8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are
properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and
dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as
beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred
to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for
pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the
beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for
them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good
guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play
English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in
Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears
removed with a cheese grater.
12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in
time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American
football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or
wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby
- the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash
us.
13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host
an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of
America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond
your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we
will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their
deliveries.
14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies
due (backdated to 1776).
16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers,
and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus
strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God save the Queen. ::-)
Youth crisis hot-line 866-488-7386, 24 hr (U.S.A.)
There are people who want to help you cope with being you.
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OMG! That's funny. Thanks for sharing.
Cycling is the one sport where a guy can shave his legs, wear spandex and bright colors, and be accepted.
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This "declaration" was originally attributed to John Clease, but that was later found to be erroneous. Apparently, the author was 'someone' from somewhere in the county of Kent who circulated the original draft 'privately' on the internal mail service of his work place. Since then, it has undergone several anonymous 'revisions' and extensions.
Now, I have an offer for the good citizens of America that it would be madness for them to refuse: we (Israel) will take your George Bush from you, no questions asked; in exchange you take our PM, Egghead Omlette (aka Ehud Olmert), with the solemn undertaking that he shall never be returned here again.
J F R
The paradox has often been noted that the United States, founded in secularism, is now the most religiose country in Christendom, while England, with an established church headed by its constitutional monarch, is among the least. (Richard Dawkins, 2006)
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unsui
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Likes it here |
Registered: September 2007
Messages: 338
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No Message Body
[Updated on: Fri, 24 October 2008 19:38] |
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Stick him in an airtight box and mail him. We will manage, somehow, to lose the parcel in the dead letter office for a century or so. The Pentecostal Right Wing would put up quite a squawk if we attempted to mail George to you, I'm afraid. He is the poster boy of the gay haters. Maybe you can lure him with bar-b-que spare ribs.
Youth crisis hot-line 866-488-7386, 24 hr (U.S.A.)
There are people who want to help you cope with being you.
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Zambezi
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Toe is in the water |
Location: Various (!)
Registered: January 2004
Messages: 40
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Six bucks a US gallon for gasoline? Are you kidding? Those prices are a distant memory in England.
I just bought 80 litres of diesel at 109.9p per litre. That works out at $8.30 per US gallon.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.
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Now that's strange Paul. Are you sure it didn't come from someone who also posts at Jeffsfortboard?
I seem to remember The Radio Rancher posting that about a week back!! LOL
CW
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Heheheh... actually it was one of those rascals that emailed it to me. ;-D
And the rapscallion isn't even British! 
(Probably a secret tea drinker though.)
Youth crisis hot-line 866-488-7386, 24 hr (U.S.A.)
There are people who want to help you cope with being you.
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George is out... Elizabeth is in 
