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Hey all you sexy people, how the hell are you all?
I know it has been a while, but my time has been a little monopolised by work and a new potential love interest...
And this is where I need some help... I know what is going through your minds and I just want to flip my lid when I say this.
We met about a month ago, and it all seems to have moved very fast. The more I think he is great, the more I also seem to think that I just can not do it.
I have longed for a relationship for so long now, but I really do not think that I am ready. He is all I have ever wanted in a man, he is kind, and loving, and just perfect ( Well in my eyes ).
Now a week ago, we slept together, and it was nice, but it did nothing for me. I just did not find myself attracted to him at all. It was almost like a one night stand. No emotion, no feeling, nothing. Just get it off and move on. And I do not want it to be like that.
I hear myself saying that I do not love him, just the way he makes me feel. But as far as I am concerned, I can make myself fee like that.
I am really not sure what to do  ?? ?? ?? ??
He says that he loves me to Earths end, and I don't think that he is joking. I do not want to break his heart by keeping this going, but I am not sure. Have I given it enough time do I need to wait... OMG... My head hurts thinking about all this stuff.
Any and all help will be greatly appreciated.
Thanks Guys.
ME
"And so the lion fell in love with the Lamb"
"What a stupid Lamb"
"What a sick, masochistic lion"
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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Well,
First... you need to be honest with yourself... Are your feelings the result of a former failed romance??? Or is it that the spark just isnt there???
What do you mean by "I also seem to think that I just can not do it"
Do what??? Love him? love anyone? have a boyfriend? have a developing relationship? Do what????????
Second... you need to be honest with him regarding your feelings... it is not fair to him otherwise.
Now for the dilema... you need to look deep into yourself and decide just exactly what it is that you want... Either you love him (or at least that the potential for love exists) or you don't.
[Updated on: Mon, 10 March 2008 11:12]
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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If this was the big "virginity losing experience" it can quite often fail to live up to expectations. Separate the sex from the companionship. If you are delightfully happy in his company, then this is a "good like". It may or may not be love.
Sex is simply something that folk do when they like each other enough. The earth often does not move.
If you enjoy the sex, that's fine. if not, what can you do together to make it better? It's an exploration.
For the relationship, could you bear him to be with someone else?
[Updated on: Mon, 10 March 2008 12:20]
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Dear Tempo,
You wrote:
We met about a month ago, and it all seems to have moved very fast. The more I think he is great, the more I also seem to think that I just can not do it.
I find this baffling. What do you mean you can not do it? Is the problem coming out of your shell? Is it that you like the guy but don't feel physical attraction?
You wrote:
I have longed for a relationship for so long now, but I really do not think that I am ready. He is all I have ever wanted in a man, he is kind, and loving, and just perfect ( Well in my eyes ).
If he's all you ever wanted in a man it may be worth making an effort to get it to work.
You wrote:
Now a week ago, we slept together, and it was nice, but it did nothing for me. I just did not find myself attracted to him at all. It was almost like a one night stand. No emotion, no feeling, nothing. Just get it off and move on. And I do not want it to be like that.
Did you spend the night together or just have sex? Did you talk about what you were doing and feeling? It makes a huge difference if you can talk openly.
You wrote:
I hear myself saying that I do not love him, just the way he makes me feel. But as far as I am concerned, I can make myself fee like that.
If you think you don't love him perhaps you need to get to know him better. Perhaps you will connect to him in more ways; alternatively you may find incompatibilities. I mean I could enjoy sex with all sorts of people but couldn't easily fall in love with someone whose outlook on life was radically different from (incompatible with?) mine.
I assume you mean that solo sex gives you physical feelings as good. If so maybe you have got rather good at solo sex and he hasn't learned how to press your buttons.
And, of course a lot depends on what HE means when he says he loves you. How many other people has he said that to? Does he say it easily or does he (like me) find it very hard to say? I mean I'm really promiscuous in signing my contributions here by sending my love, but I think I've only ever told two people in my whole life that I loved them in the sexual partner sense.
A relationship, like a contract, has a lot of 'small print' which for relationships isn't written down and has to be dug out. But it's dangerous to ignore it and assume it's agreed between you when there are signs that it isn't.
But there's no reason why the dig can't be fun. Be nice to each other!
Love,
Anthony
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The most important thing is to tell him honestly and right away how you fell about things so you two can talk it out. You owe him this honesty before his feeling get to deep for you.
Have you stopped to think that maybe you are one of those people who are just happiest with their own company? Maybe you're not internally wired for relationships?
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Tempo, as you say "it all seems to have moved very fast."
A month is an awfully short amount of time in the scheme of things. Friendship is by far the most important aspect of any relationship, and though sex is GREAT! As Timmy says, the earth doesn't often move ... a lot.
I'd take it slowly, and if he doesn't like it, I'd wonder why.
[Updated on: Mon, 10 March 2008 16:05]
"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: Music and Cats." - Albert Schweitzer
It's like Mad Max out here: guys doing guys, girls doing girls, girls turning into guys and doing girls that used to do girls and guys!
- from Alex Truelove
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unsui
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Likes it here |
Registered: September 2007
Messages: 338
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No Message Body
[Updated on: Fri, 24 October 2008 19:36] |
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Hi guys,
I am sorry about yesterday, I know that my post came across as very "scatter-brain" , but that is just how I my mind felt at the time. I have taken into consideration what all of you have said and would like to continue, on a more clear note, my thoughts and feelings.
I have never really had any kind of long term relationship, a choice made only by me, and have been happy as such for a long time. When I say that I have longed for a relationship, I can say that it is more a companion, to share time with, and yes that's why I have my friends.
Most of you asked what I can not do, well I do not think that I can be in a relationship. I fear that I may never be able to love someone as much as I love myself. And yes I know how bad that sounds, but it is the truth. I am a soul that, when the time calls, wants to be with people and then at other time does not want to see anyone for days. This is where I find the whole relationship thing very restraining. I do not do well being anchored down to one thing or one person or one lifestyle. I am young, I want to live, I want to explore and I want to be able to do what I want when I want.
I can see this is all getting very out of hand again, sorry but I am just typing as it is popping into my head 
We had a chat not so long ago, and I said that things are moving to fast and he said that he would hand the pace to me, and I could say how fast we went. But it does not seem to have helped.
A perfect example, is today he sent me an email at work and I had not replied, due to the fact that I was over run with work at the time. He then sent me a text/sms, and when I did not reply to that he called me at the office. Now I know that this for some of you might be quite sweet, but it is invasive for me. He wants all of my time, all of the time and I just can not do that. I need space... He profess his undying love for me every day, and when I do not say that I love him to he asks me why I don't tell him. I don't want to say I love you because I have to, I want to say it because I want to and because I mean it. If I said it every two seconds it would hold no worth for me.
When I first saw him, I though that this could be something worth keeping. But as time goes by he just seems to keep getting more and more clingy, and needy and wants more than I am willing to give right now. In fact I think that he wants more than I will ever be willing to give.
I do not love him, I love the Idea of him, I love the feeling he creates in me... I love me...
I have devoted my life to my Family, my friends and my work. There is only so much of me to go around and he is not one of the people that I ever wanted to give any of me to.
I think I know now who and what I am, I am a "Fuck-Buddy" kind guy, yes I know that the sex is so much better when you love the person, but as Whitewater said, I just don't think that I am internally wired for the whole relationship thing.
But then again, we did not really get to know one another, we went right from first date to relationship, maybe this is what has caused so many "problems" ?
You are all so right, I need to be telling the truth. Tell him how I feel and see how it goes...
"And so the lion fell in love with the Lamb"
"What a stupid Lamb"
"What a sick, masochistic lion"
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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Actually, this all sounds very self centered....
If you continue on this line you will eventually come to realizt that you are alone... will be alone... with little chance of not being alone... The sad thing is that all this realization will come on the same day that you discover that wou really don't want to be alone anymore.
Relationships are a give and take kind of thing... if you are willing to take you must be willing to give as well. If it makes your other half feel better by answering a email or text, then what the hell is the problem... answer it... I am sure that your job would not have suffered ine iots for it...
You say....
"I do not love him, I love the Idea of him, I love the feeling he creates in me... I love me..."
But you don't want to give him what he gives to you....
This is indeed sad.... pittiably sad.....
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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Listen to Marc.
He is an expert in pushing folk away until only the most determined would stay with him.
When we stayed, eventually, he learned not to push.
Listen to him.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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I really do not think that I am the right person to help you in this matter, but having read everything that you have written and the advice that others have given I would like - very hesitantly - to make a few comments that you may want to think about.
Firstly, as Marc has said so eloquently, if you rely on your own company to an inordinate extent you will end up very lonely indeed.
Secondly, love is not always something that one experiences from the very first. In 'the bad old days' when many marriages were arranged it is surprising how many of them successfully survived. We 'get used' to the other being there, then we want them to be there, then we can't imagine life if they are not there. Certainly that's not lust; it may not even be love as most of us understand it, but it is very comforting.
Thirdly, you may well be one of those people who cannot love because they are so rapt up in themselves. So, the question is not whether you love this person, or even could love this person, but it is: could you imagine yourself spending a good deal of the rest of your life in his company? Would you like to wake up every morning with him by your side?
Fourthly, you must talk to him. Tell him exactly how you feel - not only about you, but about him as well. Once he knows that you don't like people to be "clingy" he will probably be able to bear that in mind.
I hope I have helped rather than hindered.
J F R
The paradox has often been noted that the United States, founded in secularism, is now the most religiose country in Christendom, while England, with an established church headed by its constitutional monarch, is among the least. (Richard Dawkins, 2006)
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Tempo, we all need someone in our lives: unless you're happy to grow old alone. That, to me, would be a very sad state of affairs.
When younger I was a naive idiot, and I used to put people off getting too close by saying 'I'm not good with relationships'. It worked ... but I'm eternally grateful I grew out of it.
Good luck.
Camy
"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: Music and Cats." - Albert Schweitzer
It's like Mad Max out here: guys doing guys, girls doing girls, girls turning into guys and doing girls that used to do girls and guys!
- from Alex Truelove
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