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Hey there all you sexy people,
How are you all doing on this amazing May afternoon, well it is afternoon where I am 
I know that it has been some time now since I have visited, but I need some help in understanding some things.
About two months ago, I got into a 'relationship'. Well I would not really have called it such but Kyle ( my self proclaimed boy-friend ) was hell bent on the fact that myself and him were an item from the get go.
Our relationship was over just as quickly as it had begun, and I was okay with that. I had caused part of our discomfort and now I was more than willing to deal with what ever the effects would be. However, it seemed as though Kyle had been hell bent on making a mountain out of a mole hill and I assumed that he thought that I would just sit there and take it... Like Hell !
It had been about a week since Kyle and I had decided to move in our own way and I had noted an emailed message from him. He had headed it "My Feeling's" and it went like this :
" hi mike
well this is the first time i can put this onto paper as such so here goes. please just read it through all the way & give me your opinion afterwards.
it may seem like im ranting or venting but at least i can now get this off my chest. rather this than the alternative right?!?
anyway, here goes:
You have no idea what you did to me Mike, the exact moment you said that you loved the things I said & did for you but the fact that you didn’t love me as a person was the lowest I have EVER ebbed to in my entire existence. It felt as though you had just taken a rock, hit me down on the ground & started pounding away at my head. That’s what I actually wanted to do as the pain would have been a LOT easier to accept!
you took me & trampled me down under your boot as though i was less insignificant than a bug trying to scurry away for its life.
you took a piece of me that never belonged to you after you lied to me & made me think that all is fine & dandy but back at the ranch you said it yourself: that you were just being selfish! why? why couldnt you just be honest with me???
But things happen for a reason I suppose.
the last few days have been very tough. i am the kind of person that can cut & cauterize people out who dont deserve to be in my life but with you i just cant do that. what i have done is cut the feelings i had towards you out of the picture so at least now i can look at you & not burst into tears or worse!
i know that i am not as eloquent with words as you are but i hope that you can understand what im trying to say.
you sent me all those cute sms's but after the "love" ones you wouldnt take my calls i only now after friday night do i understand why. i just really wish that you had been openly honest about your feelings towards me after that fateful sunday happened - it wouldnt have carried on for another 2 weeks if you had. i gave you numerous opportunities to say something & yet you willingly chose not to say a word. Why? was it that i didnt do it for you on a physical level? was it the body attached to the mind that put you off?
please be honest & tell me because this is eating me up & i would like to know the TRUTH & not another placating sentence of falsehood. i am an adult & can take criticism as such.
you must understand however that i wont be seeing you that soon - we can remain friends electronically but i still need a bit more time to accept what has happened here. you must understand that i gave my heart to you because I thought that it was the right thing to do. i was so blinded that i CHOSE not to accept what i saw in front of me & built myself up for the fall. you were the closest i have yet found to a deserving partner but i let myself go for the fall anyway in the hopes that it wouldnt turn out the same way!
please understand 1 thing Mike - im not blaming you for the fall itself - like i said i saw that coming but chose to ignore the signs. but i am blaming you for not being 100% completely honest with me. i know you know that that share is exclusivley yours to take. all i need is time. i will see you again soon but until that time i dont want to turn into a mindless walking sloth that drools over himself when he sees the person he cared for the most at the time! LOL
i hope you can understand all that ive said & i welcome your feedback. if you dont agree with anything or wish to correct me on certain things then please be my guest but i just needed this. this was the last part of the healing process, theres ONE final part left & thats to cauterize & thats the romantic notion of us. once that is complete then i can look you in the eye without becoming a mindless automaton!
chat soon & keep well! "
After I had finished reading his letter I sat, for what felt like an eternity, in pure shock. I was actually quite hurt by some of the things he had said and had insinuated. Taking parts of him, and not being 100% honest. Okay so I may have bent the truth more than once, but it was so that I did not hurt his feelings, as it was he was one of the more emotional people that I knew. To have blurted my feelings out would have been like the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbour. I would have laid waste to his waters and he would have ended up like this anyway.
I was not going to take this sitting down. No one, and I did mean NO ONE, would insult my honesty and tarnish my integrity and get away with it. So being the ever so eloquent individual that I am, I had decided to write him a letter of my own. It may have taken me a day or two to put it all in words but it was worth the wait.
" Hey Kyle,
I have seen on facebook that you have been listed as "in a Relationship" ? I'm not quite sure if this is the right thing to be saying but congratulations.
Well it has been a while now, and I think that I am in a much more subjective frame of mind to be able to answer, or explain some of the things that you mentioned in your email. I am going to try and address them in the same order that you have but I offer my apologies if I happen to jump around a bit.
Firstly, I think that you may have severely misunderstood what I was saying when I told you that I loved what you did more than you.
What I was trying to say was that I had not fathomed the inexorable truth that would make me love the whole of you, and was still trying to piece what I did love together in order to get a better grasp of what I still needed to do to make you the indelible factor in my life.
As for your defilement of my levels of honesty, I was a little hurt by that. Yes given, I may have said that everything was alright and it was not, but in the same breath I can say with conviction that I never though that things would escalate the way they did. In some ways I think that the hand that was played was forced, but that is of no consequence now.
As for your question about why I did not say anything after that Sunday, well lets just say that if you knew that something was askew with what was happening why did you not stop things where they were, why had you persisted?
My words and sentences may have been placating, but where not meant to falsify or mortify any feelings that were pulsing through you or me at the time. I could have sensationalised the whole thing and made either me or you look like the Ogre or the princess, but vision is only skin deep. The true horror is the untamed beast within...
I may have taken a piece of you that was never mine, but you offered it so willingly. It was almost as though you had baited the trap and now you just lay in wait. I can also embrace, with vivid colour, that people are tested every day of their lives. However, the eclectic mix of 'traps' was something I was unequivocally not ready for.
Please do not get me wrong, I am not saying that you are a trap, nor am I insinuating that you tampered with the vulnerability of the situation. What I am saying is that we all make decisions, conscious or other wise, to test the waters and inevitably it leads to one of two outcomes. This is the ebb and flow of life.
Its like playing the Lottery, you may win you may not, but you have to make that initial 'down payment' in order to stand a chance of anything. Win Or Loose
In this very case I LOST!!!
I lost the chance to be with a great man.
I lost the chance to eventually have something and someone special in my life.
I lost every glimmer of hope of anything as good as this ever again.
And most of all I lost myself...
And all of this loss is, like you so put it, because I AM selfish. I put my own needs, wants and fulfilments ahead of anyone else's. And yes I know this is wrong, but that is just the articulation of who I am. Who knows maybe I was just preordained to never be part of something better, something fuller, something else...
Like I had said to you on so may occasions "Success is getting up one more time than you have fallen down" and that I would much rather regret having done or lost something, in this case I lost you, than regret never having it. If that makes any sense.
Non of the questions I have asked here today are needing answers. Even less of them needed to be asked. And some of them are even indigenous.
Well that is that. I have said what I needed to say and have read what you have put down. Ultimately, this was a collective farce, with the characters Faith, Fate, Time, and Universal Persona all playing their respectively benevolent rolls. While tugging on the strings of the puppetry that is our lives. "
I really did think that I had been quite solid in my thoughts and even more so with my feelings. It never really occurred to me that I may have been a bit harsh, but had he not been too? Was it not by his own hand that he wrote what he did? I merely respected him enough to be able to give him the reply he so justly deserved.
From that point on I had reinforced, within myself more than anything else, that I would no longer be a pawn in the universes timeless game of chess. I would be the queen. I would hold the power, I would control the board, I would call the moves, and when it was my time to fall I would relinquish my thrown to the next best player.
But now that I have given you a bit of the back ground, my question is thus : How can some people move on with their lives so quickly, and I mean this fromthe point of view that he told me I was the world and that he woudl never find anyone else like me. But not a week after we had broken up he was inbed with someone else.
HOW does this work... hell maybe I am the one with the problem, but who knows.
FYI : This guy that Kyle is now in a relationship with has moved into his place already and they have only been together for two and a bit months. I know that I have no room to judge, by record of some of my doings, but how can people do this. It just all seems to happen so quickly...
"And so the lion fell in love with the Lamb"
"What a stupid Lamb"
"What a sick, masochistic lion"
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I need some help understanding... 
