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Marc and Anthony have had an interesting exchange in the Server thread that's had nothing to do with swapping servers. I'm taking the liberty of replying in a new thread. For full context, see the Server thread starting roughly with Marc's message posted Jun 03 2008, 06:06.
Marc stated, "...I really find it difficult to understand how a gay man deals with gay issues, feelings, emotions, while living a str8 life." and asked "What i guess I am trying to understand is how does oneself come to make such sacrafices regarding ones personal identity for the sake of ones public identity (I'm not sure identity is the right word here)?"
For me, it was not a conscious sacrifice. In my California, mid-late '60s, public school experience and with my school friends [all male], the subject was not discussed: one simply wasn't gay. If there's normally a period of introspection during one's youth when one figures out oneself, then I missed it. My personal identity therefore didn't incorporate gayness, and my level of denial was such that I could compartmentalize an addiction to gay porn while trying half-heartedly to date and bed women. No doubt providing clues to those who noticed, I also made quite an effort to distance myself from any hint of homosexuality when the subject came up in conversation.
Back to Marc's question about dealing with gay issues when str8ened: I did so by being angry, aloof, insecure, and self-deprecating. Badly, in other words; unhappy, with no clue why. I persevered with str8ness, and in my 30s, I met a soul mate. We married , were happy for 5+ years and had two wonderful daughters [yes, Anthony, having children is THE big life-changing event]. We finally ended our increasingly unhappy, 17-year marriage four years ago. Kathy is once again my best friend, in large part because I finally had that period of introspection and came out to myself, family, and a few friends.
My path to resolving personal vs public identity may be abnormal, but perhaps not so much. Anthony raised the question of how other married, gay men feel about their str8 vs gay lives. I'd be interested in hearing how others treated their gayness while they courted and were first married. Did you accept it, or were you confused, indifferent, or in active denial?
Brit
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JimB
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Registered: December 2006
Messages: 349
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I don't think your path was abnormal considering the times, the mid-late '60s. Like you said, "... the subject was not discussed: one simply wasn't gay." My path was much the same (and during the same period) except that I never married. Neither did I think about being gay or worry about it. In a very competitive world I worried about getting into and through college, finding a career that I would enjoy and be successful at, and finding a mate. It was just assumed that that mate would be female.
That isn't to imply that the world today isn't just as competitive, or more so. But the '60s compared to the '50s or before was much more fast paced and competitive. The only good future was through college and marriage was delayed until after that. Perhaps unfortunately, I went to a local commuter college and didn't experience the usual college environment of dorm living. If I had I might have discovered my gay self sooner.
Because today's world is much different doesn't mean that the path we took back then was abnormal; it fit the times and the society we lived in.
JimB
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unsui
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Registered: September 2007
Messages: 338
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No Message Body
[Updated on: Fri, 24 October 2008 18:18] |
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I too am bisexual, gravitating now more to the same-sex side, but I've had my share of memorable escapades with womenfolk. Environment is key. I lived in a small Midwestern college town for a few years in my early 30s. It was relatively open and tolerant, and I had several gay and bisexual friends. I wasn't brave enough to experiment then, but I was able to talk about the issue. Before that, in grad school in Philadelphia, and after that, working in the Bay Area of California, I hid my inconvenient feelings away because sexuality just wasn't discussed in my small circles. Odd, since the Midwest is thought of as str8-laced and Philly and the Bay Area as wide open sexually.
Like several others have mentioned, I chose to be faithful in my marriage. It's hard enough making a relationship with another complicated person work without adding deceit. Divorce has given me the option of really finding myself, but I wouldn't say that I'm lucky that way. If you had trouble finding girls to date when you were in your 20s, believe me, it ain't any easier finding guys to date in your 50s!
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