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You are here: Home > Forum > A Place of Safety > General Talk > Fathers of daughters, fathers of sons
Fathers of daughters, fathers of sons  [message #51583] Tue, 15 July 2008 07:24 Go to next message
timmy

Has no life at all
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800



Anthony raised in another thread the interesting concept of his being concerned that he might, at some stage, be sexually attracted to his child, and thus had some doubts about the wisdom of becoming a parent. He asked who shared those doubts.

I did.

I shared them for many and different reasons, not least of which was the ever possible threat from the then Social Services, of removal of a child from a gay parent. But I had realised that it didn't matter if I was sexually attracted to my son or not, as long as, if I were, I never acted upon the thought.

How is it different for a gay father of sons from being a heterosexual father of daughters?

The trite answer is that you can not get your son pregnant.

The real answer is that it is not. Assuming you have not adopted the child, that child looks in some part like your regular sexual partner. You are attracted in some measure to her, so will be attracted in some measure to the child. That attraction may occur at any stage in the child's development, from 3 to 33, if you like.

It is how we act on the attraction that marks us as civilised and good parents, not the fact of the attraction. Wise parents transmute any such attraction into parental love and concern. Unwise parents lock their children in a basement and abuse them.

Was I attracted to my son?

The answer is mixed. There were stages of his facial development when he was drop dead gorgeous. He was precisely the type of boy, in looks, that I was always attracted to. So yes, I was. To me he is handsome and facially pleasing. Yet that was a wistful attraction, a rational attraction an "if this were anther father's son I would be sexually attracted" attraction.

I see no harm whatsoever in that. I see harm, great harm, in crossing the line from intellectual attraction to a physical expression. And I see that as a line that is as much not to be crossed at 33 as it would be at 3.

And that means that he and I are comfortable hugging and always will be. Because the hug means what it "ought" to mean, no more and no less. And it is the same for fathers of daughters, or shoudl be.

[Updated on: Tue, 15 July 2008 11:26]




Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
Re: Fathers of daughters, fathers of sons  [message #51590 is a reply to message #51583] Tue, 15 July 2008 11:18 Go to previous messageGo to next message
acam is currently offline  acam

On fire!
Location: UK
Registered: July 2007
Messages: 1849



Yes, Timmy, I agree.

My own children were sexually attractive to me and to other people!

We once went punting on the Cherwell and Alison was punting. She was probably seventeen with an amazingly good figure and fair hair but quite brown from the sun and dressed in a white bikini and we came out from under a bridge and a young man on a punt coming the other way was transfixed. He just stood and stared and his punt carried him under a low branch of a tree and he was so diverted that he left avoiding manoeuvres too late and was swept off the end of his punt. He was dressed too! Alison hadn't missed a thing and was convulsed with laughter! Obviously we ought to have made friends - but we didn't.

But it would have been much stronger attraction if they had been boys!

And my friends' children were attractive too and most children are.

As Keats nearly wrote "Beauty is youth; youth beauty. That is all you know on earth and all you need to know."

Love,
Anthony

[Updated on: Tue, 15 July 2008 11:19]

Re: Fathers of daughters, fathers of sons  [message #51593 is a reply to message #51583] Tue, 15 July 2008 13:59 Go to previous messageGo to next message
JimB is currently offline  JimB

Likes it here

Registered: December 2006
Messages: 349



I agree Timmy, admiration and attraction are response mechanisms, what you do with them determines whether or not you cross the line.

I can't see where it would be different for gay fathers of sons as opposed to heterosexual fathers of daughters.

JimB
Re: Fathers of daughters, fathers of sons  [message #51609 is a reply to message #51583] Tue, 15 July 2008 22:12 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Nigel is currently offline  Nigel

On fire!
Location: England
Registered: November 2003
Messages: 1756



Thomas Mann, the German author (Death in Venice et al) and intellectual, was profoundly sexually attracted to one of his three sons as an adolescent. I can't remember whether it was Klaus or Golo - I don't think it was Michael - and I haven't time to research it at present. His six children had unhappy lives some dying from drugs and/or suicide.

Hugs
N



I dream of boys with big bulges in their trousers,
Never of girls with big bulges in their blouses.

…and look forward to meeting you in Cóito.
Re: Fathers of daughters, fathers of sons  [message #51716 is a reply to message #51583] Sun, 20 July 2008 20:43 Go to previous message
acam is currently offline  acam

On fire!
Location: UK
Registered: July 2007
Messages: 1849



Yes, Timmy, I think I understand.

But I was glad, in a way to have had daughters who, although beautiful, were the wrong sex to tempt me much. Other people didn't know that and I remember scandalising my head of O & M by telling him how my daughter had beautiful big tits! He may have thought one might notice but certainly thought voicing it was not done in polite society.

It won't be long now before my granddaughters have beautiful big tits!

Love,
Anthony
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