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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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I think it was Brit who asked Marc. It's a great question. I suspect we will all have different answers.
We call, in public, pretty much anyone we know 'friend'. It is not the truth. Instead it's a hope that they are, or a defence in case they are not. Most such people are acquaintances, people we happen to know, people we are acquainted with.
A friend is so much more that an acquaintance.
A friend is someone who stands by you, though will not hesitate to tell you when you are wrong.
A friend is not like Chauvin was over Napoleon. Supporting you in acts that they disagree with is not friendship; that is not standing by you.
A friend does not always like you, but, pretty much, loves you.
A friend knows your strengths and weaknesses, allows for them in dealings with you, does their best to help you when you are in need, and, wherever congruent with friendship, bolsters your ego by their friendship.
A friend is someone you are comfortable to talk to about your good times and your bad times.
A friend is someone with whom you can sit in silence, knowing that conversation is not required.
A friend is someone you can disagree with, argue with, even fight with, knowing that the friendship will remain intact.
There is so much more that a friend is. So very much more. Perhaps someone can help me out with some of it?
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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…someone you like because of or in spite of his perceived faults.
Hugs
N
I dream of boys with big bulges in their trousers,
Never of girls with big bulges in their blouses.
…and look forward to meeting you in Cóito.
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Excellent list, timmy!
A few more thoughts -
A friend is someone who it doesn't matter if it's 20 hours, 20 months, or 20 years since you last me - you just pick up things straight away.
A friend is someone who enjoys sharing things with you, and with whom you enjoy sharing things. As long as both are happy that it's a fair exchange (there is no "user" in the friendship), it doesn't matter. So what if one friend always plays host and cooks a meal ... if the other one always books movies and arranges trips.
A friend is someone who is strong when I am weak, and for whom I can be strong when they are weak - we complement each other.
Friends help each other grow.
"The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral, begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy. ... Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night devoid of stars." Martin Luther King
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Yes, I asked Marc that question, and Marc replied, "I do not know." A fatuous answer, or a sad one, or a resigned one, or a perplexed one, I do not know.
What I do know is that I have few friends. In this university town where I've lived for 19 years, I have just one friend who seeks out my company, that one being my ex-wife. Typical experience: I had two tickets for a fine concert last night, top-notch bands from Ireland and Mali, and when my daughter bowed out due to a hard week at school, there was no one else whom I could invite [ex had other plans], so I went alone.
I have plenty of acquaintances, of course: some 60 or so from the municipal band, another 60 or so from my tae kwon do dojang, 50+ from three different workplaces, various parents of daughters' schoolmates, several from volunteer work. I chat with a lot of these folks when I see them, we have some shared history, and I know something of their lives. And there it stops, almost always.
I have fewer than ten friends, but those that I have I love. They are scattered across the country and some I have not seen for a great many years, but I think of each of them almost daily. When I hear of their triumphs, I exult, and when I hear of their losses, I hurt. I hear rarely, though, usually in response to an email from me. Most of these friendships were made in school -- high school, college, grad school, after grad school but still in academia. Those that I call friends are people with whom I shared goals, beliefs, and a time-of-life, of course, but they also are people who stuck around, who put up with me, who understand that I love them even if I'm too withdrawn to show it.
The root of my lack-of-friends issue, the thing about which I do not know, near as I can figure, is that I don't give whatever others want and need from a friend. I certainly meet people often enough with whom I'd like to spend more time, but it seems always to be me who must make the effort...and it's easier just not to bother. I'm trying to change my behavior towards others: make eye contact, notice and respond to verbal and non-verbal cues, don't let conversations founder. None of that comes naturally, though.
I envy all of you who are blessed with deep friendships that sustain you day-to-day. You know what true friendship is. I wish I did.
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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Huggs you...........:'-(
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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I am also one who has to phone, or has to email, otherwise I am not caleld or contacted. But I discovered long ago that there are those who do and those who wait to be called.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Marc has friends, sometimes he has to be reminded. I am and have always been your friend Marc.
If you stand for Freedom, but you wont stand for war, then you dont stand for anything worth fighting for.
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Dear Timmy,
I think the problem of who should be called a friend arises from the many degrees of friendship.
Some of the people I'd call friends have no idea of my sexual orientation and might be mightily put out if they did. Some of them are just members of the same club. Some of them, like NW, seem to have some of the same attitudes to life and love and as a result become soul-mates. Some of them have known me for over fifty years and know all my weaknesses. They know a lot!
I've just spent a weekend playing croquet with people who were nearly all strangers before we began. Some of them I really feel I relate to and some are still distant possibilities. When I think about them I'm really surprised how they seem to be sorted in my mind. They ranged from age 15 to age 82 and I think all of them were special people [not just as croquet players - this was the all-England handicap tournament final]. The grandmother who beat the 15-year-old was special too. Maybe it was just that in a tournament of 16 players one can't get to talk to all of them. I neither played against nor talked to the winner until we were having the final photograph taken. And I want to get to know some of them much better than I do. And maybe will!
Love,
Anthony
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