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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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Life gets very lonely. I took some painkillers last night which either make me sleep through, or wake me up at silly o'clock. I woke at silly o'clock, cuddling my pillow and wishing with all my heart it was alive and the boy I've yearned for since 1965. Somehow, no matter how many pillows you kiss, they never turn into princes.
I've been feeling like crying since I woke up. Bed is a lonely place. She Who Must be Obeyed sleeps elsewhere and seems to have no interest in even snuggling, so there is no point in going and crawling in beside her for comfort.
I managed to stay in bed until about 6:30. It's Saturday. I wanted a lie in. The painkillers leave me woozy and I can't drive with them, so I can't get out of the house except on foot. Not that I've anywhere to go anyway.
SWMBO came downstairs around 9:45 and told me how the kitchen cupboards weren't clean enough to put mugs in upside down. Ok, I won't do that again. I only dud it that way because the bottoms were damp. And then she muttered a lot under her breath, as usual loudly enough for me to hear that she was speaking and it was aimed AT me, but too quietly for me to be able to hear what she said. She does this all the time.
So we have had a row about it, as usual. And, as usual, she tells me that I do the same thing - a thing I do not do. I do not believe in speaking all the time, I am not a woman.
So she is downstairs having slammed a few doors and I'm sitting on my bed. Not 'our bed'. My bed.
The "funny" thing is that she expects me to share everything with her financially but she will not share anything that she has with me emotionally. Or maybe she does. Maybe the venom and spite is what she wants to share.
I'm fed up with being the strong one, the one who carries whatever remains of "us" through emotionally. I've had enough of sleeping alone, always alone, and waking up sad. I've had enough of feeling like crying.
I know my pillow won't ever turn into Johnnie, however hard I wish, and I know he and I would have fought too, if we had ever been together. But the world of illusion seems so real right now.
And I still feel like crying. I get punished twice over for everything I do. No good deed goes unpunished.
[Updated on: Sat, 20 September 2008 09:03]
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Dear Timmy,
I wish I knew how to cheer you up. Maybe my account of this morning will.
This weekend is the croquet club finals and everyone has to play in whites. I have almost given up wearing conventional trousers in favour of lycra running tights but have never worn white ones because a) they are a bit transparent and b) they are a bit too gay (if you see what I mean).
But last week I was musing at the club about this and some people more or less dared me and Marian, in particular was strongly against it as she would pretend to be shocked. So I put on white tights this morning - two layers so as not to risk transparency!
Sylvia refused to walk down to the shops with me! Scarlet tights are OK, fluorescent yellow is OK but white tights is OTT!
I almost took them off but decided "What the hell!" and went to the croquet club and returned the trophy I won last year. No-one turned a hair but I was disappointed that Marian hadn't arrived. I think John Henn missed a hoop when he saw me! Various people smiled embarrassedly. Rosemary accused me of setting the hoops too narrow (Ray and Rashid and I had reset them all last night and they are very firmly set - but NOT too narrow.)
Jill took a photograph of me for the album! I talked to Dick who was surprised that I had been wearing mainly tights for ten or twleve years and was amazed when I told him I must have two or three dozen different colours.
The game I have to play isn't on the schedule yet so I said goodbye and was walking back to my car when Marian arrived. She has a bright yellow car! I couldn't have hoped for a better reaction. So she got out her camera and took two or three pictures of me.
So everyone had a bit of fun laughing at me or scandalised by me and Sylvia rang Emily to say she had probably upset me and Emily rang me to ask whether I was upset and I laughed with her about it and when I got home again Emily had made it right with Sylvia.
So obviously I had to take a picture for you to see what the fuss is all about. I hope it makes your day.
Love,
Anthony
PS BTW I am chairman of the Croquet Club!
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First and most importantly - have a big virtual hug!
Not as good as a real-world hug: there's a comfort in physical contact (as your post makes achingly clear), but it will have to do for the time being. Hopefully, we'll meet up again sometime and I can deliver in person.
I'm sure that you know all the usual "coping mechanisms" for depressive fits as well as I do, but just to remind you -
Crying is good! Don't just feel like crying: go ahead and do it (it releases endorphins and stuff into the bloodstream which help with feeling better).
Sunshine is good! Get a long walk or other outdoor stuff if you can - endorphins again.
Get lost! In something utterly absorbing. For me, it's the romantic stories here, on Nifty, and elsewhere ... it may be something completely different for you. But mental time-out helps.
It seems to me that you've had more frequent depressed times recently, but maybe you're just feeling more able to post about them. Pain (and painkillers), in particular, can generate "reactive depression", plus you've had a lot of other stuff in your life over the past year. You might consider talking to your GP about this as it's a well-known medical thing.
If it would help to talk about (either here, or by e-mail or phone) with someone who has just had to learn to live with spending three or four days every couple of months in tears when the "black dog" bites, you've got my details.
more hugs!
NW
"The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral, begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy. ... Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night devoid of stars." Martin Luther King
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Warm hugs to you, Timmy!
I think I know how you feel. I miss my "Johnnie" too, and it's not a good feeling.
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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Definitely eccentric. I now have a vision of you standing on your balls while you hit them with a mallet. Yup, it brought a smile.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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I'm with you, Timmy. This has been quite the down day, and I don't even have an SWMBO any more. You (i.e., me) take meds, you do individual and group counseling, you do your best to stay in contact with the outside world, and then a day like this one comes along where you spend ten minutes getting up the energy to reply to a post. I don't want to leave my room, but I'll have to this evening to train with visitors to my tae kwon do school. I even have to make a tettrazini for a potluck afterwards. I love tae kwon do, but I don't want to go and mingle and worry about whether the food I brought is any good.
It is really rough when you are living with the person who you'd expected to be your lifelong helpmate and source of comfort and who just isn't. I retreated to my computer room many a time to escape the venom and spite. It's just sad and miserably lonely.
Are you planning on spending the third third of your life living this way?
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Hugs I feel for ya man, all many of us can do is cry an carry on.
Some time I wonder if it's a blessing or a curse having only my self. I mean who else do we have in the end.
I'm starting a whole new path in life and I am by my self, no cell service where I am, and access to the internet only a little each day. Have to say I haven't felt this vulnerable in a long time. Can't even really take the time or really have the privacy and time for a good cry.
As a matter of fact I do have a little time right now so I'm going to go curl up into a ball for a while.
Peace
People will tell you where they've gone
They'll tell you where to go
But till you get there yourself you never really know
Where some have found their paradise
Other's just come to harm
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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I can't seem to cry any more. It gets close and stays on the threshold. There's no point in talking to her about it. We get an "enough about you, let's talk about ME and how I suffer" conversation. And why would she be happy hearing I want my pillow to turn into a prince?
So I mended the flat roof. Or I hope I did. Time will tell, but rain pours behind the gutter which is odd. So there is now a new strip of roofing felt all glued and tacked down that ensures that any run-off goes into the gutter. If that doesn't cure it I have a different problem. It was sunny and hot, but I've put my neck out (hence the painkillers) and I have an unpleasant headache (and more painkillers, so the med induced depression will stay)
I won't talk to the GP about depression. Last time that happened SWMBO came with me and I was railroaded by her into taking SSRIs. This was a wholly negative experience since I was being treated for impotence, already suffer from retarded ejaculation, cannot achieve orgasm while penetrating, and they removed orgasm completely. It's a well know side effect and they are used for treating premature ejaculation.
That wrecked all that remained of trust between me and her and our sex life, such as it was.
I want to get back to writing my novel about what really happened in my schooldays, but I'm too tired at present. It took me a great act of will to restart site updates, and they are easy!
I wish I could get lost in strong arms that make me feel safe and they show me how all right my world really is. There are so very few "sweet" porn movie snippets, but there is one that is perfect for my mood and needs. I know they're porn stars, but they act as if they really love each other - lost in each other despite the artificiality of the camera and director being present.
The black dog part is that I know I'll never have this, not now. I'm not attracted to men of my own age. We're wrinkly, saggy, curmudgeonly, and very needy. I'm needy. I just suppress my high maintenance side most of the time nowadays.
I can't tell you how grateful I am to those who've helped me by listening to my circular "but I love him" wails and whines, and my host of "if only" crap. If you want to know where I get my patience from it's from those who've shown me great patience and kindness. There is a long list, and naming a few would be upsetting for those I miss, but I've got through my black times except for a very few deep and bottomless pits of despair.
I get through it by refusing to be beaten by it. I'm not sure what a "nervous breakdown" is, but, if it's failing to cope and flailing about emotionally, I've been to the edge and looked in. I was either lucky or strong enough to be able to step back.
Have I thanked you for the offer of a listening ear? I hope I have. Here is good. Living out my personal crap in public helps me because it helps that one kid who identifies with me, whoever he is, and saves him from having to make the same mistakes.
I'll get frogs for the rest of my life. That boy? He can get a prince if only he opens his heart to the possibility. I'm ok with frogs. I can pretend my pillow is Johnnie, and it can kiss away my damp eyes if I pretend hard enough. He can have his prince. I hope, one day, he is brave enough to tell me he has.
I'm rambling. The painkillers are morphine substitute based. Probably explains it.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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When I asked her to marry me I was deeply in love with her. I've no idea now if I am or not. But I chose marriage, and she does not wish to end it. For good or ill she wishes to stay with me. And I am terrified of being alone. I've never lived alone, not ever. Quiet houses scare me. Solitude is not my friend.
So I plan to spend the next third of my life trying to be a good companion, and friend. And just maybe she will let me back in.
I did promise better, worse, richer, poorer, sickness and health. It's a huge promise, and I still mean it. I'm just not happy, that's all.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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I have no words for you, because I have none for me. I wanted to be his friend, only his friend. But I fell for him hook line and sinker.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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I think you need the hug more than I do.
When you get a moment more please tell us what you are doing.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Glad that you got out in the sun! Flat roofs can be a devil to fix, but it does sound like a drip-edge problem so hopefully you're sorted now.
As regards SSRIs, they have the same effect on me (as a class - some of them also caused "suicidal ideation", and one of them caused micro-tremors that made my eyes jiggle about so badly that I couln't read!). So I now give them a very wide berth. After discussion with my GP,I ended up taking St John's Wort, (generally, a course of about three months, followed by about four or five months off). That's definitely helped smooth things out a bit ... but although herbal it is quite potent stuff that can interact with other prescription drugs, so checking with pharmacist or doctor is essential. It may be worth trying, if you haven't already done so.
You said "I wish I could get lost in strong arms that make me feel safe and they show me how all right my world really is. ". That, of course, doesn't have to be a lover - it's very much part of what friends are for. I was strongly reminded of this when a guy who is an essential part of my small collection of close friends came to stay for a night last week - the first time we'd met in person for eight years. Of everyone I know, he gives the most reassuring hugs - I'd missed them much more than I realised! There are many kinds of love, and although I'm sure you're right that you'll never experience lying in the comforting arms of a handsome prince, don't forget that other kinds of love, and demonstrations of affection, exist. Even with wrinkly and saggy old men. Even with women. Or whatever.
More hugs!
NW
"The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral, begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy. ... Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night devoid of stars." Martin Luther King
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Saturday = Saturn's day = the black day. If I've ever felt down, it's always been on a Saturday, especially a wet one. For most of my life I worked on Saturdays. But now I can hate them at times.
The good thing is tomorrow's Sunday - a fresh start.
Hugs
N
I dream of boys with big bulges in their trousers,
Never of girls with big bulges in their blouses.
…and look forward to meeting you in Cóito.
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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Yup. Sunday. A car boot fair in Taplow. Exhausting but it does clear out the garage
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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I like hugs. I hope I give good ones, too. I don't want to seem awkward, and a hug would help, of course it would, But it isn't enough.
I want to be told I'm beautiful even though I'm overweight. I want to be loved for me, as I am, not an idealised person I never was. I want a caress to say "I care".
It doesn't have to be sexual, only it would be nice if it were... But sex for the sake of it doesn't hack it either. I can go and rent if I just want sex. I want the moon. I shot for the stars and missed, but I don't seem to hit the moon either..............
Don't get me wrong. I have a great life. I'm probably secure financially. I have a good home. It's just the wrong life.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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I wish I had a magic word that would make everything ok, but I dont. Sometimes fantasy and memories are all we have. You wish for your Johnny and I miss my Mark. All I can offer you is a virtual hug and an ear to listen with.
If you stand for Freedom, but you wont stand for war, then you dont stand for anything worth fighting for.
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unsui
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Likes it here |
Registered: September 2007
Messages: 338
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No Message Body
[Updated on: Fri, 24 October 2008 19:26] |
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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We each miss what we miss. We live with it, in spite of it, perhaps because of it. Time is meant to dull it. I don't think it does. It just makes it something we are used to.
How wonderful it would be if there were a heaven where we could be with all the people we wish to be with. I wish I could believe in it. But you would have Mark in yours. Would Johnnie be in mine? I'm not asking this in order to have a "my pain is worse than your pain" moment, pain is pain. Your 100% is 100%. My 100% is 100%. In pain we are equals.
The question is more about the nature of this putative heaven. The Lovely Bones (a novel) seems to have it right. "Our" heaven is ours, populated with folk who pass through, but not those we don't want. But there is no answer about those we want but who do not want to be in our virtual portion of heaven.
Gosh, I digressed.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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unsui
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Likes it here |
Registered: September 2007
Messages: 338
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No Message Body
[Updated on: Fri, 24 October 2008 17:36] |
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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The word "often" is an unusual choice here. In order to keep the peace I choose to lose. Not often. Always.
Not strictly true. I used to do that. Now the row peters out with neither apologising. SWMBO always considers she has won at this point. She also manages to store and retrieve things from decades ago to hold against me in arguments.
[Updated on: Sat, 20 September 2008 22:41]
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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unsui
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Likes it here |
Registered: September 2007
Messages: 338
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No Message Body
[Updated on: Fri, 24 October 2008 17:35] |
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Timmy, you and I have had this discussion endless times. On and off I have made a suggestion but you have never taken up on it. So, I'm going to make it again - because I never despair.
Sometimes, what we need is a change of scene. As long as we are in familiar surroundings and with familiar people we are not going to pluck up the courage to make the effort to find someone - even if it is only for a short time.
So, Timmy, now that you are financially secure, my advice is to get on a plane - by yourself! - and go somewhere where you can be adventurous; somewhere where you can go into the right kind of bars without fear and visit the kind of places where you might find that someone.
You know where that place might be and you know that the door is always open. Just send an email or SMS saying "I'm on my way."
Hugs, and hugs again,
Me. Who else could it be?
PS - a note to everyone: Timmy does give great hugs.
The paradox has often been noted that the United States, founded in secularism, is now the most religiose country in Christendom, while England, with an established church headed by its constitutional monarch, is among the least. (Richard Dawkins, 2006)
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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All out war. Not "think". I know.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Hi Timmy:
I'm new to posting here - but I've been reading IOMFATS for a long time (because of Grasshopper, my favorite author).
I've started to read the Forum more and more over the past few months, and I've almost posted several times, but didn't for various reasons. This time, however, I decided I would.
Your post about loneliness - in reference to Johnnie - struck a chord with me. I've seen others talk here in their replies about their "Johnnies", and it hit me that so many people are in the same boat as you - or me.
I had a "Johnnie" - or in my case - his name was Mike. We were best friends for three years in high school. We were also intimate - although for him it was just experimental sex - for me it was a lot more.
Things ended badly for us - an argument over a girl of all things - and we spent our senior year at odds, although we patched things up just to land in a spot where we were just distant friends.
I went off to college (far away from home, partly to escape pain) - and had a hard time getting over all that. Typical story I'm sure. I got married in my 20s - divorced in my 30s - and now I'm turning 40 and I still think about him.
It's a strange thing really. That was 25 years ago, but I remember it as if it were yesterday. Like you, I feel stabs of loneliness sometimes tied to him - and the hole that was left in my heart. Like you, I don't know what would have happened if more had taken place. I am certain he wasn't ready for what I wanted, but I would have taken less - which doesn't really say much about my standards at the time.
And yet others have said it well. We hold on more to what could have been - and spend less time trying to fix what we have. I am guilty of that. I am committed to trying to find someone to be a companion - knowing that it will always be a second best situation - just by virtue of not being him.
I have not tried to find Mike - we haven't seen each other since 1986 - at graduation - but yet I live about 20 miles from where he lives (I think - I'm not sure, having lost track - but I know where his parents live).
This is a bit of a ramble, but it is - like the other posts - an attempt to tell you that we know what you're feeling - and we recognize the pain. As you said - our pain is very individual - but I do recognize it when I see it. I just have no idea how to soften it.
Time has healed some of it - no doubt - as the pain was really sharp in my 20s. I was not honest with myself a lot of that time - and paid for it.
I do a variety of things to pull myself out of a spin - and many people here have hit on some of them. But at the end of the day - when it's dark and you're alone in bed - the ghost of Christmas Past comes in the room and shows you all that you had and didn't have - and that is a hard window to look through.
So - hugs to you Timmy. I know you don't know me, but I thought I would come on and just say hi - and tell you - like the other loyal fans and friends that you have - that I do care.
So hugs.
My best,
Centaur
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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I have said the very same many times....
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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unsui
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Likes it here |
Registered: September 2007
Messages: 338
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No Message Body
[Updated on: Fri, 24 October 2008 17:35] |
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unsui
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Likes it here |
Registered: September 2007
Messages: 338
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No Message Body
[Updated on: Fri, 24 October 2008 17:35] |
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What can I say we put our selves in these positions LOL, but what's going on is that I am in the process of getting my class A CDL (commercial drivers license).
not a big deal really just 6/12 hour days for the next few weeks. Actually I'm through with the written exams so now I'm off training in those big trucks for the next few weeks which is actually pretty fun, and though I have driven big ocean going vessels in my past I was much younger back then and I guess I was able to process the stress a bit more efficiently back then.
I think it's all just been building over the past couple of days, I get along with every one in my class but I don't really relate all that well as you can imagine, away from class I socialized as much as possible here at the hotel where we're staying but after a while that becomes a strains as well, LOL most of these guys haven't ever been away from home so are so into the whole I'm gonna be a (macho truck driver) front that it's been wearing on me too.
Got to do it though, it's really embarrassing how much money I'll be making for so little effort in the next couple of years.
I didn't mean to sound alarmist I was just feeling a little fragile yesterday, and from the sounds of things I wasn't alone.
Big Hug to all you guys!
People will tell you where they've gone
They'll tell you where to go
But till you get there yourself you never really know
Where some have found their paradise
Other's just come to harm
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Welcome to the forum. What you had to say means a lot to just about all of us. I think at one time or another we have all had "Johnnys" in our lives. Those we never actually had and those we had but lost. In either case the pain is there and the loneliness. I have heard that time heals but it really doesnt it just softens and makes things bearable. My heart goes out to Timmy for several reasons and on several levels.
If you stand for Freedom, but you wont stand for war, then you dont stand for anything worth fighting for.
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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These Johnnies and Mikes don;t even know how we are torn apart over them. We don't matter to them at all.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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Sounds like you could do the ice roads in Canada once you get your licence, and make a fortune getting your balls frozen off.
I always pictured you with a Hog, not a truck!
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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I try. Just yesterday it all got too much.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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Being myself is very hard. I am naturally promiscuous, despite also being fiercely loyal. The loyalty makes promiscuity intolerable, so I do not do it. Plus promiscuity opens up a risk I refuse to take: that of bringing a sexually transmitted disease into my marriage bed (assuming I am ever allowed to share it!).
While I might take that risk for myself, despite a religious adherence to barrier methods of prophylaxis, I will not take that risk with my wife's health.
So, to be myself I need sex by the bucketload. But to be myself I need chastity outside marriage.
Can I be myself, that is "gay me", without sex? To an extent. But I want to have my cake and eat it. "I want it all, and I want it now."
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Oh dear, Timmy,
I think there is only one way to choose between things that are so incompatible that there is no way of having both: either would exclude the other.
That is to decide which you want most and take such care over choosing that you can stick to it.
It happened with me about 1975 when Sylvia threatened to leave me. She was at the end of her tether with boredom at home.
The solution we found was for her to go to work and for me to help carry the burden of responsibility for the children by taking more time off and refusing such things as trips abroad - but as the younger was then nine or ten they were really capable of looking after themselves more than they had been allowed to do. In the next seven years our roles changed so that she was the main breadwinner and I became self-employed. She was always the more responsible of us!
But I look back and am amazed that we were happy for our daughters to ride bicycles to school over a mile away unsupervised. Nowadays that would be just too dangerous!
And, if I need more sex than she wants I can always find imaginative ways to masturbate. I'm not sure if I'm ashamed about that but I do it when I need to, which at age 73 is not how it used to be.
I don't think that ten years ago I would have been willing to admit to all this. But, of course, it was true, even then.
My mother quietly complained to me around the time when my father died that he hadn't made love to her for something like 15 years. I didn't then know how to answer her. Now I do. Assuming that his sexual development was like mine and that he lost the ability to get an erection that was firm enough for conventional penetrative sex, he would have given up. He hadn't the brass neck to go and ask for Viagra or a look-alike as I did. He was far too embarrassed about sex to talk to his wife about his needs or to consider her and ask about what hers might be. He died at 81 because she neglected him. I bet I last longer!
Arrogantly, love,
Anthony
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Oh, yes, Centaur, welcome to the forum.
I think you desperately need to resolve things with Mike. Maybe I'm wrong but until you KNOW how that situation is you can't move on. At least I don't think I could.
But I was always heart on sleeve. I couldn't NOT tell David I loved him and when he rejected me and went on being nice to me I was able to get to accept the situation. I've been unable to hide my feelings. I used to think I was apathetic but now I don't care any more!
And you say "I would have taken less" and I am horrified. You can't take less. Less is not what you want. It would not satisfy you and would be a sore spot between you and your companion until it was resolved. (And note that when I say this I'm not talking about one person waiting for the other to come round but about one person insisting on with-holding the degree of commitment that the other craves as essential.)
And if I were a candidate for your companionship and discovered that, at best I would be a second-class solution, I would ask what I had to do to become a first class solution. And the answer would be that you have to get over Mike and that can only be done by facing him.
Am I too demanding?
Love,
Anthony
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Funny thing that, i am so not into the whole Harley leather thing at all but that's what most people think before they get to know me LOL. I hate labels but most of my friends would say I was just a sweet old hippie, I don't have a mean bone in my body.
Heck when I worked at sea I worked in the arctic so I have ice experience only on ships hehe. To tell you the truth I am adventurous enough to go for ice road trucking, but I think they'll want me to have a bit of regular road under me before they let me drive on ice. I sure have nothing to keep me from doing that. ;-D
People will tell you where they've gone
They'll tell you where to go
But till you get there yourself you never really know
Where some have found their paradise
Other's just come to harm
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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I know what he means by taking less. I would have taken less, too. I would have taken any form of relationship at all, however demeaning.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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Hahahaha not leather. I saw wind in the hair and a sleeveless denim top!
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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The choice was made many years ago. It does not mean that I always like the bed I have made for myself.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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