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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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When I was 7 years old I went to a new school. I was not a sturdy child, and I was shy. And I met sporty, sturdy, vicious children at my new school. Among these one evil little shit used to bully me daily, horribly and always with a view to stealing from me.
Effectively he ran a protection racket.
Today, on friendsreunited, his name appeared in the list of "people you may know"
I know him. He bullied me daily for five years. He was a ghastly child, and, because he was good at sports, was one of the school darlings. So I had to put up with it.
The worm did turn once. Oh he beat me up, but I did land a couple of good hits on the bastard. You can't stop a good punch from hurting. Sometimes even the victim gets lucky.
Seeing his name on the list made me see red. He has loads of pseudo upper class interests listed, which means he's insecure as hell.
I've sent him a message, a simple message "I remember you well from school." What do you suggest I do next?
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Personally, I would have ignored him cropping up again.
I've been bullied - by my father, and at school. I have, over the years, learned a little bit about why people bully ... they often have inner demons of their own (including, all too frequently, having been the victims of bullies).
It *is* possible to reach an adult resolution of childhood wrongdoing, but it takes a lot of guts on both sides ... one lad who was butt of most of the bullying in my class (everything from being locked in cupboards to having fireworks exploded in his new birthday-present briefcase, and all kinds of physical abuse and humiliation between) is part of the group of a couple of dozen schoolmates of mine who've been meeting regularly for the past en years (after a 20-year gap).It took several years before we all felt that apologies for past misdeeds had been properly made and accepted, and we were able to move on. It was damned hard work on all sides, but very worthwhile. I don't think that it would have worked other than in a group context.
And, if not to seek reconciliation and resolution, then what? I can only see it with one or both parties ending up miserable, most likely both. Revenge may be a dish best served cold, but it often tastes of ashes ...
"The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral, begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy. ... Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night devoid of stars." Martin Luther King
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unsui
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Likes it here |
Registered: September 2007
Messages: 338
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No Message Body
[Updated on: Fri, 24 October 2008 17:05] |
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Benji
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Likes it here |
Location: USA
Registered: August 2007
Messages: 297
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Ok, I know this is not what you want, but here goes; I was bullied by one kid in high school and only one. Years later when I went to get my car washed I recognized the person who was finishing up in cleaning my vehicle. Guess what it was the bully, and he didn't even know who I was, and even said to me, 'I hope your car is to your liking' I was dumbfounded to see this asshole after ten years reduced to what he was, a simple day laborer, So my advice is that what comes around goes around holds true.
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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Michael Sargeant (Since 1941) wrote:
> That you as an adult have responded in an ambiguous fashion may reveal that you want to open communication with someone that no longer exists but through transference can be blamed.
No. It means that I have set out bait in order to catch my fish.
> That you are still resentful of his treatment of you as a child shows that there is still a child within that has not matured.
Again no. It shows that this evil little shit made my life a misery, and hurt me every single day of my school life between the ages of 7 and 13. Every damned day, day after day. We're not talking of a little but of bullying, we're talking about systematic and horrible violence.
> Show him, the adult you may meet and that child within you, that you have moved beyond the injuries of the past.
Turn the other cheek? Not a hope in hell.
> The purpose of a reunion is to satisfy a curiosity as to what became of the children of your youth, not to chastise them for what they were or for what they have not become.
Not in this case, no. In this case I think it is to hold up the mirror and see if he is capable of being deeply ashamed. It's time this little shit lost for a change.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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Oh I wish. This guy is a successful family doctor with shedloads of cash. I suspect I may be was comes around after what went around. 
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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When I was a small kid I was bullied. I was the youngest in the group and as an only child I had no brothers or sisters to look after my interests or teach me how to look after myself. When I was ten I got to the stage where I hit one of my tormentors. The bullying stopped overnight.
The spin-off of being bullied is that it still takes me a long time to get to know and trust people.
Hugs
N
I dream of boys with big bulges in their trousers,
Never of girls with big bulges in their blouses.
…and look forward to meeting you in Cóito.
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Fingolfin
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Likes it here |
Location: Slovakia
Registered: August 2008
Messages: 265
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Timmy,
I think I agree with Michael this time...
Anyway, standing in your shoes I would wait for the reply. To quote Denethor, Lord of Gondor: "Depends on the manner of your return."
So, wait for reply, don't judge him, many years have gone by since then, and he might have changed...
Marek
It is better to switch on a small light than to curse the darkness.
- Vincent Šikula, Slovak writer
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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Ah he might have changed, yes. Or he may not have changed fully. We will see if and how he replies. After all he may have been waiting for a change to apologise. And, since my bait is neutral, we will have to see what he says.
Mind you, an arrogant little shit at 13 is likely to be set for life
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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The bullying I suffered wasn't too bad and I stopped it very soon by going to the headmaster who acted at once.
Because of my spanish surname I was teased a lot. But I don't think I have any traumatic results from it all. I would really like to meet the people I was at school with again.
I did go back to meet one friend. He went out of his way to be nice and gave us dinner. We were outclassed by the grand house, the trophy wife (maybe she wasn't but she looked good enough to be) and .. .. It wasn't a success.
I do get invited to events at the old school but as all the masters I knew are dead and all the boys I knew are over 70 I doubt it I'd find it worth while.
Surely, Timmy you are taking a huge risk - that the guy is successful, rich, happy and patronises you. It might be a mistake!
Love,
Anthony
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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This boy from your past might have made your life miserable then....
But it is you, by contacting him that is making your life miserable now....
Don't you think this is a little over the top?
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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Well, so far I have been wholly neutral. I am not intending to go in with raised hackles, you know. And nothing is making my life miserable at present.
I'm interested to see his reaction to a neutral contact.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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Well, I am never worried about people who patronise me I imagine he will have become rich and allegedly successful by being unpleasant to folk, too. We will see what we will see.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Fingolfin
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Likes it here |
Location: Slovakia
Registered: August 2008
Messages: 265
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I wish he remembered and felt sorry...
And that you became friends... why not?
An old saying: It is better to turn an enemy into a friend than into a corpse. What do you think?
Marek
It is better to switch on a small light than to curse the darkness.
- Vincent Šikula, Slovak writer
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unsui
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Likes it here |
Registered: September 2007
Messages: 338
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No Message Body
[Updated on: Fri, 24 October 2008 17:05] |
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unsui
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Likes it here |
Registered: September 2007
Messages: 338
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No Message Body
[Updated on: Fri, 24 October 2008 17:03] |
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Fingolfin
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Likes it here |
Location: Slovakia
Registered: August 2008
Messages: 265
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That makes sense...
I think that contacting this man is neither a good idea nor bad. Whichever way it turns out, neutral attitude from Timmy is reasonable... And... none of us may judge Timmy for contacting him, we don't know what really had happened those years ago...
Marek
It is better to switch on a small light than to curse the darkness.
- Vincent Šikula, Slovak writer
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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I plan nothing more than a chat
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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We'll have to see if he responds first. Frankly I'd adore making him feel today precisely as he made me feel then. Terrified in in great and regular pain. But I shall not.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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>That you are still resentful of his treatment of you as a child shows that there is still a child within that has not matured.
>Show him, the adult you may meet and that child within you, that you have moved beyond the injuries of the past.
I believe it shows an inner child that still recalls the pain and suffering he was put through. Moving beyond the pain in our past is not something automatic but often requires therapy. Telling the adult he may meet that he has moved beyond the injuries of the past would be telling a lie. It's obvious he hasn't moved beyond them but is still dealing with them. I think Timmy could benefit greatly from counseling to help him remove this baggage. Sometimes it's just having a sympathetic listener say "yes, you were wronged and no, it wasn't your fault and it wasn't fair" can go a long way towards our healing.
The best of all situations would be for this aggressor to say he remembers the things he did and accept the blame and tell Timmy he feels remorse. This would go a long way towards helping Timmy to heal. But I wouldn't hold my breath that it will transpire that way.
>The child I evolved from did the occasional bit of bullying of the teasing kind.
>The adult that child has become recognizes that fault in the child but does not carry guilt or blame the child for it.
We shouldn't hold ourselves responsible for the things done as a young child, surely. We are still developing, still learning. But when that child approaches his teenage years, as Timmy's aggressor did, it's time to take responsibility for our actions. It's possible Timmy's bully may disassociate himself from his youthful transgressions so as not to have to deal with them - not an uncommon occurrence. The absence of guilt over our wrong doings after the age of reasoning can't be a healthy sign. It is our developing conscience over our transgressions that helps insure they aren't repeated. So, at what age do we allow ourselves to be responsible for our actions?
Timmy, you are allowed to have your pain because it is yours and it is real. But you have carried it for a very, very long time. You can continue to carry it and deal with it in your own fashion but, remember, 'he who treats himself has a fool for a doctor'. Take advantage of a trained professional to help you work through the grief and lighten the load you carry today. I love you to much to see you continue suffering.
Youth crisis hot-line 866-488-7386, 24 hr (U.S.A.)
There are people who want to help you cope with being you.
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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While I had medical insurance I did avail myself of an extremely good counsellor. He was of the opinion that I was on the right lines, and had sufficient grit to be able to handle this with minimal support. He was pretty sure that the support of this forum was likely to meet those needs.
I do listen to you all, even when ploughing my own furrow!
I will see what, if anything, the conversation brings
[Updated on: Fri, 17 October 2008 21:51]
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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unsui
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Likes it here |
Registered: September 2007
Messages: 338
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No Message Body
[Updated on: Fri, 24 October 2008 17:03] |
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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The bully was revered by the school because he was sporty
My son was bullied and the bullies were revered for being sporty and unpunished, or even rewarded.
No, I will not blame the society. Children KNOW what is right and wrong. The child is responsible.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Benji
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Likes it here |
Location: USA
Registered: August 2007
Messages: 297
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Your post is valid in raising the question, Timmy what do you want to accomplish here? Confronting your tormentor? Or trying to let the past be past and buried! Are you hoping he will ask for your forgiveness for his ways? Or will his arrogance simply attest to what you already know? The real question is are you willing to risk your demons to hear what you want to.
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unsui
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Likes it here |
Registered: September 2007
Messages: 338
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No Message Body
[Updated on: Fri, 24 October 2008 17:02] |
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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Sometimes they just do not realise. This guy was an evil little shit. My objective is to bite his butt once, hard, and well.
Will he actually hear? I don't care. These things do get through. I don't want him to apologise particularly. I just want to find out if I have a channel of communication to let him know.
He is the one person I truly hate. So we will have a civilised exchange of emails and he will at least see the words.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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Each of those schools was owned by one (different) man. It was the ethos of the owner in each case.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Dear Michael,
There is a class of utterance that provides evidence of their own truth or falsehood. When you wrote:
For example, I have no desire to obtain an apology from my first wife for lying about the parentage of our first child or for her infidelity before and during marriage. She simply no longer exists for me.
Would you blame me if I think in the second sentence you have provided an excellent example?
Love,
Anthony
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Timmy, I would tel you what I think and would do, but it would go against everything everyone is telling you. All I would tell you is that revenge would be my motive and desire. I would be sure I had plenty of money for bail and fines with me.
If you stand for Freedom, but you wont stand for war, then you dont stand for anything worth fighting for.
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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I use intellectual revenge That I will take in full measure.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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unsui
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Likes it here |
Registered: September 2007
Messages: 338
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No Message Body
[Updated on: Fri, 24 October 2008 17:02] |
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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There it is, revenge....
What is the point? Trying to reap revenge from someone that more then likely doesn't remember you any more than a gnat he squished in 10th grade is like pissing into the wind.... No one benefits and only you get pissed on.
I just don't see the benefit of having him remember how much fun it was to torment you.
It seems more of a self fulfilling prophecy....
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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See, that is why I choose revenge. I am not going to go in as a wimp. I hold the moral high ground.
He will feel ashamed.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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Actually no....
He will go in knowing that he managed not only to get under your skin all that time ago.... But he will also know that he managed to leave a festering canker under your skin and has won the battle.
You might hold high ground but he sits in the winners circle....
Which is better from his point of view?
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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I disagree.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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That's allowed....
But then again you would disagree wouldn't you?
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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Well you don't think I am going to go, cap in hand, and ask him to apologise for running a protection racket and stealing from me each day, do you?
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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timmy wrote:
> Well you don't think I am going to go, cap in hand, and ask him to apologise for running a protection racket and stealing from me each day, do you?
Actually, I think the fact that you went looking for him is reason enough to think that he has already won.
Go with cap in hand, baseball... oh... crickit bat in hand, or whatever you can carry along the way...
He's won....
Forget about him once and for all and you stand a chance of coming out ahead....
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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I expect so. But I do not take kindly to bullies, and there is not one thing he can do to me. And you know what? I always was ahead.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Benji
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Likes it here |
Location: USA
Registered: August 2007
Messages: 297
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Groan, again I have to side with Marc here, Timmy the chances that an 'aged' bully might repent and express remorse are slim to none. He is probably arrogant enough to publicly blast you still.
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