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Hi guys
I’m like the new kid on the block or rather a rather old kid. I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for Tim. I have a natural antipathy for this sort of thing but having read some of your messages I am encouraged to take this, for me, major step. Tim started the ball rolling - that’s gross, I only have one - cos I wrote to him about my problem which I would like to put to you. How do you tell your wife you’re gay after 35 years of marriage? If any of you have any experience or advice I would like to hear it. Maybe I shouldn’t.
Over to you guys. If I’m a bit uncommunicative in the next couple of weeks its cos I have a lot on. Bear with me.
Mike
Friendship is the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts or measure words
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tim
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Really getting into it |
Location: UK, West of London in Ber...
Registered: February 2002
Messages: 842
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The first thing on the list is to decide whether you are creating a list for "IF I tell" or "When I tell". This depends in the personal pressures on you.
You are lookng at categories for the list like:- Benefits for ME of telling
- Benefits to her of knowing
- Downside for me
- Downside for her
But don't let me push you into categories of my choosing, you must be the one to choose.
You need to view your life selfishly. I don't mean "me first, so I will tell and hang the consequences." I mean to look at your current life with all the emotional pressures you have on you, and look at your ideal outcome and the alternative outcomes.
One of us here rushed. It worked for him. I think it was exactly this time last year. I came back from vacation to find 6 emails ranging from "Help me, I need to tell" to "Wow, I told, it went well" sent each day. Others have been slower.
I told my own wife over a period of six months of trying to make her listen to what she knew she was not wanting to hear, and then found total support AND total temproary devastation. We are very close agan, and were never apart. It just felt odd.
We are at a stage where we can watch gay pron together, and even sometimes discuss guys we fancy.
And welcome aboard. ALL advice should be challenged until it is understood, and then either accpeted or rejected, and with a good heart
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Chris
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Getting started |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 4
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Mike--
I was married about 14 years when I told my wife that I am bi. I dearly love her, and I made her understand first and most emphatically that this did not jeapordize our marriage or my feelings for her. I am constantly on guard for that as well. She knows it and as far as I can tell, becaue I was forthright with her, she does not feel threatened. But it did not come easily. She did feel threatened at first. She cried and I held her. When I thought it had passed, it surfaced again. She told the counsellor we take our son to, a family counsellor, who asked to meet with both of us together. She asked how serious this is. I said I do like males, to read about them, to look at them. But that I was satisfied and happy in our marriage.
Then she asked the same question my wife asked, and I have her the same answer: Won't I forever be curious (and implied: tempted) to know what sex with a man is like (I had a brief encounter in high school). I replied that yes, I would be curious. But I've also always been curious about the effects of cocaine (I have, too) but never had and never will experiment to satisfy that curiosity. There eare some things we CAN control. We can make logical and sane choices, and one of those is never cheating on my wife. She loves me, gives me support and takes care of me.
A few weeks ago we were on vacation at a lake with the rest of my family. For dinner we had ordered pizza and shrimp. While my brother and his wife went to pick up the pizza, my wife and I went to pick up the shrimp. A really cute young man in sandals waited on us. When we got outside, I said to my wife, "He has REALLY cute toes" (I LOVE toes). She giggled and shook her head.
I have a wonderfully loving and understanding wife, but we talk. We talk a lot. We have to. It's the glue of our marriage, communication. We have a very open marriage -- we share our concerns with each other, and our joys as well. She needs every night to recount her day at work, and I listen. She does not need comment, she's just downloading her pressures. I don't have that need, but I listen faithfully to her. And she to me when I do need to talk.
I hope this helps, Mike. If you would like to talk more, drop me an email.
Good luck. I'll keep you in my thoughts.
Chris
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mihangel
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Likes it here |
Location: UK
Registered: July 2002
Messages: 192
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Mike, there was a long and very helpful discussion about this a few months back. I suggest you look at the thread headed "Married and Gay. Coming out to Spouse" started on 12 May (currently on page  .
As a result of that discussion I came out to my wife, and am enduringly grateful that I did: see "Be glad for me", started on 5 June (currently on page 6).
I think and hope you'll find both threads interesting and useful.
Hugs, Mihangel
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trevor
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Really getting into it |
Registered: November 2002
Messages: 732
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Excellent advice from Tim and Mihangle, I think. I could well be the one who Tim mentioned "rushed it."
For me, it was also a self-realization, so it was perhaps easier - I hadn't been "hiding it" for long. It seems we all have different experiences, so please do ask specific questions, e-mail whoever seems to have relevant experiences, or whatever works for you. I suppose no need to rush in without considering everything as Tim pointed out, unless something has suddenly occured to bring you to this point. That was part of my circumstances, a bit, as well.
The good thing is, you've been together long enough to presumably know each other very well and have a well-laid foundation for your relationship, even if a little "remodeling" occurs. Perhaps "updating" is a better word.
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e
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On fire! |
Location: currently So Cal
Registered: May 2002
Messages: 1179
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I too, have been struggling with this issue. I have not decided to tell her yet, but I want to. Though I have no real pressing need to tell. I've been trying to ascertain her feelings about homosexuality and what she thinks of homosexuals. She never really says. We've only been married for five years and have known each other for almost seven. To me, it's a scary thought. If only I could know that it wouldn't end my marriage.
Think good thoughts,
e
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Thanks Tim. The support so far has embarrased me! But keep it coming I am much encouraged
Mike
Friendship is the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts or measure words
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Thanks Chris. Your comments very helpful. I may well come back to you when I have had words with my shrink.
Mike
Friendship is the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts or measure words
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Mihangel thenks for your directions and for details of your quest. It encourages me immensely. I now know it is inevitable it is just picking the time.
Mike
Friendship is the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts or measure words
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For now thanks. Will keep you all posted
Friendship is the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts or measure words
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My thoughts entirely but I think I must take the risk. I haven't that many years to go. Will keep you posted
Mike
Friendship is the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts or measure words
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tim
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Really getting into it |
Location: UK, West of London in Ber...
Registered: February 2002
Messages: 842
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It may, of course, end it. But if it does, then how real was it? There is a point beyond love that says "I accept you totally, for everything that you are".
Thatis not an argument in favour of speaking, but is a thing to consider with your marriage, period.
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tim
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Really getting into it |
Location: UK, West of London in Ber...
Registered: February 2002
Messages: 842
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What you have found is a pool of people who are prepared to share themselves with you, and who ask nothing in return.
Sounds like a good bargain
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mihangel
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Likes it here |
Location: UK
Registered: July 2002
Messages: 192
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Something weird happened to my post. For page (smiley smoking cig) read page 8. Hope that works better
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That's why I like this board, and haven't even bothered to try and find another.
Mike, not only considering you have several "peers" here, people who have already gone through what you're considered doing, there's also a whole lot of friendship to be had here. I think you'd be hard-pressed to find a better place of safety than this one...
-Lenny!
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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Steve
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Really getting into it |
Location: London, England
Registered: November 2006
Messages: 465
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I am only about 10 years younger than you. I would like to ask about something your message does not reveal. After 35 years of marriage WHY do you want to take this momentous step? If you have managed to live with situation for more than half your life, why do you want to risk everything at this stage? I share your situation and share your feelings, but, unlike some of the others on this wonderful forum, I would hesitate to offer any advice or opinion before I know what is motivating your need to "come out" to your wife.
Maybe your response will have something to teach me, too.
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Thanks Lenny. I am overwhelmed but heartly agree.
Mike
Friendship is the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts or measure words
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Steve
Yes I have given this some thought too. I suppose one of the reasons is that I feel I owe and explanation to my son for not having shown him more affection when hs was younger. Every time I tried to embrace/cuddle him I got aroused. I therefore backed off. I felt I might be acused of molestation. I thought I should tell my wife first but maybe not. I have spent a lot of time on the net collecting stories from Nifty and other sources which has made me realise I am gay although I really knew it - without the label. On finding this site and reading Tim's experiences I felt that maybe I should be as lucky and the support I have received from you all has encouraged this view. I am in no hurry and am due to see a shrink this week which may help me to get some ideas straightened out. Thanks for your concern. I should very much like to hear your comments.
Mike
Friendship is the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts or measure words
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tim
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Really getting into it |
Location: UK, West of London in Ber...
Registered: February 2002
Messages: 842
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This is not the thing one does for another, but for one's self. Yet it has to be done with regard fir the other perons, and with kindness and done well.
If real love is present instead of a habit, then the odds are in favour of it going well, or at least not going badly.
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tim
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Really getting into it |
Location: UK, West of London in Ber...
Registered: February 2002
Messages: 842
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I was afraid, all through my own son;s childhood that I would become attracted to him, or that some nosy parker social worker woudl discover I was gay and wrench him from me.
Well the latter did not happen.
The former? Well he IS attractive. But, and this is important, no more attractive than he would have been as a daughter if I had been straight. I have succeeded in not becoming aroused only by act of willpower and remembering that this box, if ever opened, can never be closed. There is also something about offspring that is, to me, inviolate.
Do not be concerned that physical arousal was present. Do talk this over with the professional person you will be seeing. But realise that in part it was the fact that it was forbidden that caused the arousal too. And your wish not to become aroused can also cause arousal. Think of school showers and a dick with a mind of its own.
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smith
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On fire! |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 1095
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Hi Mike~
I have no experience in this area,no wisdom to
share. I just wanted to say hello and be part
of this great thread. I love it when everyone
comes together like this  You'll always get
the very best advice and thoughtful care here.
smith
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Steve
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Really getting into it |
Location: London, England
Registered: November 2006
Messages: 465
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Mike, I do not wish to pry, but I would dearly love to help if I can. While I have never had feelings such a you describe for my own son I can imagine how you did have such feelings.
Has your son ever asked for an explanation for your emotional distancing? Has he challenged you on this, either directly or by implication? If he has we must go back to Tim's 'list'. If he has not we may return to my 'why'.
Good luck with the shrink.
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trevor
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Really getting into it |
Registered: November 2002
Messages: 732
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Even if your son hasn't in any way challenged you, it may be valid guilt that you need to exorcise, wanting to have a better relationship than you have had.
I don't think you mentioned his age, but I do believe it gets harder to mend a relationship the longer you wait, especially if you are missing some of the growing up processing.
But, hugging/cuddling alone is probably no big deal, unless he's very much a "physical touch" type of "love language" and I don't think that many boys are, especially if they didn't learn it from parents.
Admittedly I'm not a very self-aware person, but I was at least 20 before I could really analyze what was "wrong" with my relationship with my father and question his distance/lack of participation/affection, if that's relevant, and even though I see him more lately than ever during my adult life, I don't think I'll ever mention it - I think he has enough pain and guilt that I don't want to open any wounds.
You may not need to "label" yourself in order to explain that you aren't comfortable with snuggling but wish you were because you do have warm loving feelings you wish you could express that way. "Gay" may not even be an entirely appropriate label, but that is something you may need to discuss with the shrink and may want to keep more private. I can relate, and certainly do keep it private except here.
Well, just some random thoughts for you, Mike. I hope our perspectives get you thinking, if nothing else.
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Second thoughts.
My response yesterday was off the top of my head and probably not invalid, if without thought. Thank you Steve for throwing that bucket of very cold water, it has made me think very carefully what to do but has not come up with any answers as yet. The further comments from all of you is a great help to sort out my ideas. This morning I asked her if she still loved me and got a guarded ‘yes’. I think that if there is no real love then the admission would not improve the situation. As regards my son he has never been very close. Now at 32 he comes on courtesy visits and lives in a self centred and I afraid, unhappy, world of his own. But that is another long story. Another reason I would like to come out is to avoid having to keep everything under wraps such as books etc. After 6 years of marriage my wife found a collection of pictures of male nudes and told me to get rid of them as ‘I didn’t need them any more’. I got rid of them but I can’t get rid of my mind.
Enough ramblings for a Sunday morning. If I don’t come back to you before I will let you know how I get on with the shrink.
Thanks to you all.
Mike
Friendship is the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts or measure words
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There is also the fact that I am living a sort of lie and that I can never tell what tok plce in my youth and has helped to form my life. Maybe she wouldn't want to know.
Mike
Friendship is the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts or measure words
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tim
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Really getting into it |
Location: UK, West of London in Ber...
Registered: February 2002
Messages: 842
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The end of the process may be that you stay as you are, or that you come out to her totally, or that you take another road entirely.
She does know, you know. "You don't need them any more" about the magazines. She hoped not anyway.
Try to explain to yourself a "guarded yes"
Consider your son's life, which, to you, is alien. Is it right for him? Can you become closer? Do you want to?
Steve's bucket of cold water is essential. But look at ALL of us. Are we imposing our hopes, our fears, our successes, our failures on you? Become clearer about your own objectives, and discard ruthlessly those which are not suitable for you and come from the outside.
Remmeber that the end of the process may be the status quo, but this time with contentment.
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Steve
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Really getting into it |
Location: London, England
Registered: November 2006
Messages: 465
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No Message Body
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tim
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Really getting into it |
Location: UK, West of London in Ber...
Registered: February 2002
Messages: 842
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It may be a neat summing up, but logic and emotion often conflict hugely.
The use of a professional counsellor is hard at first, because it involves opening up closed and locked compartments, but it forces those of us who employ one to think, and think deeply, and think about unpalatable questions.
The whole esssence of this process is to learn to smile and to allow old emotions to see daylight and then to discover if daylight feeds them or kills them
And each of us is different.
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tim
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Really getting into it |
Location: UK, West of London in Ber...
Registered: February 2002
Messages: 842
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You can share true happiness, and that in itself is wisdom.
Besides, you have never yet been lost for words. And oyu live in an environment where allowing yourself to be seen as possibly not heterosexual is a danger to you. I am sure you have something to add
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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like tim said you do have some thing to add. you can add your prospective of a younger man some thing which we all ( or most of us ) can only do from our past memories, and some times memories get tarnished and jaded with age. you smith my friend have the wounderful point of veiw of some one who is not yet as jaded as some of us.
so pipe up and toss out your 2 cents worth.
peace
tim...of USA
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smith
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On fire! |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 1095
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But,I think if you don't mind, I'll start a new
thread because it stems from something Mike said.
~smith
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Another reason for wanting to come out
What if I were to go under a bus tomorrow. There is enough incriminating evidence in my little office to make it quite clear what was my orientation. Even if I was able to get rid of most of it I would be sure to have forgotten something incriminating like the latest Gay Times. I would prefer to come out now and face the music what ever, than let her find out when I have gone. She will have enough to cope with without the added burden of this information. I should say she is 10 years my junior.
This mornings incident was followed by further questions at lunch which resulted in her knowing that something is up and that I am going to see a shrink. Maybe events will overtake me since I will have to give some explanation and I am not prepared to tell stories. However my impression is that I am not unloved.
You can all keep your fingers crossed for me. Thanks again for your support.
Mike
Friendship is the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts or measure words
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Mike,
Your worries are probably quite natural, after all, we do not have 100% control over our lives. But you probably also know that we're unlikely to go under a bus all of a sudden, and your reasons to worry probably aren't all that great.
Now, it's easy to SAY such a thing, and to be frank, I have done some minor preparation in the event of something befalling me too - I do write stories of a particular kind (and my harddrive contains both finished pieces and works in progress, along with bookmarks to certain sites etc)...
Even though I've told my parents I write (because I like to be able to tell them at least I'm doing SOMETHING), however they do not know what kind of stories it is. I don't know what they suspect (if anything), I've dodged their questions so far by saying I write in English, which my adoptive mother doesn't understand at all. So I've written a small text, explaining some things Just In Case.
Don't know if you'd consider doing the same, but it might ease your mind or something, what do I know. Not a substitute for what you feel probably, but maybe something in the meanwhile until you feel completely ready to take the final step.
-Lenny
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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tim
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Really getting into it |
Location: UK, West of London in Ber...
Registered: February 2002
Messages: 842
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Being gay is not the same category as having clean underwear when run over by a bus. It is not, I think, that oyu have a secret life, rather that you have a secret per se.
The fact that I might have died before I told my wofe and that she or my son would have found a website, yards of gay porn, and even had people phone the house to find me was not a driving influence for me.
The driver was that I was desperately unhappy as i stood, and could not see anything to look forward to. I wasn't suicidal per se, but I was slowly but surely eating myself to death. No future, you see, so I tried to "enjoy" the present. It wasn't an eating disorder, it was the culmination of many years of unrecognised, undiagnosed, unsuspected clinical depression.
When I told her the veil of depression did not lift. Not at once. It started to tear, though, and has gradually rotted and fallen to the floor in decaying piles of stuff.
This was a half conscious, half necessary decision, to come out to her. She was the first but has not been the last. So far I have had no disasters. No undue pity, thank god, but no disasters. One set of total "You can't be gay" reaction which has now changed to comfort.
That is what I hoped and prayed for.
But be clear. Being gay is not what you are, nor who you are. It is a tiny part of your make up. It seems all consuming right now, but it will fade to its rightful place, whether you tell or not
With regard to telling her the reaosns for seeing the shrink, start with "I have long worried that I may be depressed. I am going to ask for a diagnosis and help. Please do not worry, it's a difficult thing to talk about at present, but I promise to keep you a part of it as soon as I am ready". Depression is a handy excuse
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