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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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Don't head for the dictionary. Use your emotions and your own intellect, not someone else's.
I looked at me, my emotions. I wondered, suddenly, if my own homosexuality was a fear of adulthood. I haven't got as far as sex.
I liked being a boy. I liked boys. I liked being with boys. I understood boys. Why on earth should I change and want to be with girls?
So did I just stop growing up?
Is it all just a phase that froze in place for me?
What about you? Does this strike a chord with you?
[Updated on: Tue, 16 December 2008 12:34]
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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For me, it isn't in any way about not growing up. If anything, the reverse: it's linked with the caring / protective / nurturing (in some ways, the "parental") side of me. There's nearly always been an element of mentoring in my relationship with my lovers.
But I *can* understand about not growing up, or not wanting to. My parents divorced shortly before I started puberty ... I had a period of several months (possibly as much as a year) when I was capable of occasional wet dreams, but unable to reach orgasm through masturbation despite trying for hours (two or three, every night!). I realised a couple of years ago that this was very much to do with not wanting to have to be (as eldest offspring) the "man of the house". Despite the pretty unpleasant consequences, the guy who groomed me into my first sex did at least get me over that hurdle.
For me, in fact, *expressing* my homosexuality (what a dreadful phrase!) is very much a part of being an independent adult: it is one of those areas where I'm clearly different from my parents, following my own path.
"The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral, begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy. ... Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night devoid of stars." Martin Luther King
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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I think I am almost way before any form of sexual awakening. I just adored being a boy and with boys.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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For me it's wanting to hug and be hugged and stroke and be stroked and tease and be teased and tickle and be tickled. I wanted the sexual release badly but when I just had that and not also the pleasure of giving pleasure to my mate I was dissatisfied. And, of course it's finding the male more attractive than the female. As I've said before, I didn't, at the time, recognise any sexual feelings I had at school (though looking back I recognise a few) and what woke me up was being seduced in my own bed on a weekend leave during National Service in the navy.
After that I went a bit wild.
I wonder what would have happened to me if I had been woken up at school. It's a fascinating thought. Perhaps I ought to write a wish-fulfillment story imagining the most delightful things.
Love,
Anthony
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We "gays" are distinct and should strive to develop our own individual uniqueness.
The Peter Pan syndrome is I think common to many of us. On the one hand I have enjoyed the proses of maturing and what it has brought me, then again I long for the freshness and newness of the things of my youth. Those time are exciting aren't they?
All said and done I've always preferred other males as young as I was when i was young and as old or a bit older as I have grown older, and it isn't all to do with the physical, rather the whole package.
Peace
People will tell you where they've gone
They'll tell you where to go
But till you get there yourself you never really know
Where some have found their paradise
Other's just come to harm
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It does indeed strike a chord.
I'm not sure I've ever got over being at an all-boys school for some of the most important years of my life. Girls were another species -- at least I understood boys. When I entered the 'real world', that feeling remained.
I doubt it made me gay or bisexual by itself, though -- otherwise 99% of ex-public school-boys would be gay too. Perhaps they are, and most have managed to repress it?
David
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Is it a new aftershave?
Hugs
N
I dream of boys with big bulges in their trousers,
Never of girls with big bulges in their blouses.
…and look forward to meeting you in Cóito.
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Fingolfin
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Likes it here |
Location: Slovakia
Registered: August 2008
Messages: 265
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I like looking at boys. I love boys/guys. It is like, I know that I get on well with girls, too, but it's the boys who make me happier when in company. I also think I understand boys better.
Thus, this means, that in many feelings I am similar to you, Timmy.
Marek
It is better to switch on a small light than to curse the darkness.
- Vincent Šikula, Slovak writer
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