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Cameron
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Toe is in the water |
Registered: January 2008
Messages: 70
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A straight girlfriend of mine asked me for advice. She just found out her boyfriend likes to dress up like a woman sometimes.(Hair, makeup, clothes...ect) She caught him ordering a body suit online that would make his body look more womanly. She was kinda freaked out and just figured I would know what is wrong with him. I'm not sure anything is wrong, but I have no idea what to tell her. Do any of you have any experience with this or any advice I can give her?
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Hi Cameron
it was a bit of shock for your friend, I'm sure. But the fact that her boyfriend likes to dress up as a woman sometimes doesn't of itself mean that there's anything "wrong" with him! She really needs to try to talk calmly to him, to understand where he's coming from, and what it means to him. That's pretty much of an essential first step. But it may take her a while to reach it.
I'm no expert in this, but it seems to me that some of the things that could be going on:
Cross-dressing. This is *much* the likeliest explanation: just a guy who likes dressing up in womans clothing from time to time. Most such are straight, have LTR's with women, and don't have fetishistic hangups about womens clothing, etc. I can't say that I understand it, but it's a lot commoner than most people realise. It definitely isn't, by itself, any sign of mental illness or anything! But it can be difficult for all concerned, and the guy has probably been living under a considerable strain of feeling he has to hide his interest in cross-dressing, so may be kinda fragile. Reassure your girl friend that it doesn't mean any kind of rejection of her as a person, as I'm sure that she will also be feeling fragile!
Assuming this is what's going on, the important things are:
this isn't anything caused by anything your girl friend has done, and isn't in any way any reflection on her relationship
it doesn't mean he's not interested in a long-term straight loving sexual relationship with a real woman
it's a part of her boyfriend that he may struggle with, and so may she, but it isn't a sign of mental illness and can't be "cured" - though it may come and go as he progresses through life.
the boyfriend is still the same guy that he was before she found out - she just knows a bit more about him now. But she will be feeling shocked, and he will be feeling scared (and possibly ashamed) that he's been discovered in activities that aren't generally understood
Much much much less likely possibilities are
T/V Fetishism. This is where the guy gets some kind of sexual fetishistic thrill from dressing in womans clothes. Nothing "wrong" about that in a moral sense, I don't think ... we all have special things that turn us on, though this would be more extreme than most of us have. But - as with any fetish - if it means that the guy becomes dependent on it, it may mean he shifts focus away from a real relationship.
Least likely of all is that the boyfriend actually wants to *be* a woman - ie transexual/transgender. This is that only case where I think it makes sense to use the word "wrong" - the guy would feel he'd been born into the "wrong" body. In the *very* unlikely event that this is what is going on, a lot of specialist support is going to be needed, whatever the eventual outcome.
hope this is helpful as a staring-point
NW
"The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral, begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy. ... Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night devoid of stars." Martin Luther King
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Cameron
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Toe is in the water |
Registered: January 2008
Messages: 70
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Thanks, NW. I am not sure that will make her happy about it. But, maybe she can understand better about him.
I agree that it doesn't mean anything is 'wrong' with him. She is having a harder time coming to that conclusion. I feel bad for both of them.
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Cameron wrote:
> I agree that it doesn't mean anything is 'wrong' with him. She is having a harder time coming to that conclusion. I feel bad for both of them.
Yes, I'm sure it's a pretty tough thing to work through. If your girl friend cares about him enough as a person to want to continue the relationship and work through things, it might be worth them looking for some couples counselling to help each of them explore their feelings and what it means for each other. - I know that "Relate" here in the UK does this kind of thing non-judgementally, and I'm sure that there are similar organisations elsewhere.
I hope they manage to work it out OK.
"The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral, begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy. ... Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night devoid of stars." Martin Luther King
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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The answer is "nothing is wrong with him"
Why can't he enjoy dressing up in public or in private in precisely the way he likes?
Girls get the prettiest clothes. It's just unfair.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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