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I've been active on this forum off and on for a little more than a year, and I usually limit my posts to lighter items. But this one is very different. It's the admission that I have decided to alter the course of the rest of my life. This is also different because I am a very private person, so to tell the world I am coming out is very difficult. I emailed a few of my closest friends I have made on the board to tell them about my decision in advance of my posting. They have all been very supportive of me, as they have been during the past few months. Without their support, I very well would not be here to write this post. Thanks, Timmy, for the connections you foster by the creation of your forum.
I have been battling with myself this past holiday season whether to stay the course of my life and be miserable, or to come out and let the "chips fall where they may". It took last weekend when I was skiing in New Hampshire to make me realize how miserable I have been. A mutual friend arranged to have 3 of us ski on Saturday, and then he couldn't go, so the 2 of us whom had never met before skied anyway. I knew he is gay, but I didn't know anything else. Long story made short, on the lift, I blurted out that i am gay and married. He said that he was gay and had been married. Basically the conversation on the lift during the evening covered the range of his breakup, to how much better he felt about himself. Basically our conversation gave me the resolve to begin my coming out process.
This week I came out first to my one colleague who is a lesbian. Her partner just had twins last week. I knew she would be supportive. I then came out to a few more people in my area of the school who I also knew would be confidential and supportive. I suppose I needed to do that as practice. Before anyone jumps on and congratulates me, I have the biggest hurdles to cross, those of telling my wife and family. I have decided it would not be wise to announce to my wife of 32 years on Valentine's day weekend that her husband is gay and no longer wants to be in the marriage. But it will happen soon. I feel an incredible guilt every time I think of telling her I no longer wish to be her husband. Oh, there is no other guy in my life, so I'm not leaving her for someone else. There is great chemistry between me and the guy in NH, but he is so much younger, so I have no delusions there.
Every time the past week when my wife said something like, "well, when we retire we can......" I cringe, knowing I won't be in her future plans. People to whom I have spoken tell me I must think about myself first, and that is the most difficult aspect, having put others first for most of my life - my parents for wanting their oldest to be married first, my wife to have a comfortable life, my kids to make sure they are well educated, my in-laws to be proud of me as an exemplary son-in-law. By now, I'm sure that Freud would have a field day with the revelations in my post.
Anyway, I appreciate all this forum does. I'm not sure what I am looking for from the forum. I don't feel worthy of congrats, the toughest part of my coming out is ahead of me. I just wanted to say that even when I was lurking , you all are appreciated.
Hugs,
Scott
Cycling is the one sport where a guy can shave his legs, wear spandex and bright colors, and be accepted.
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unsui
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Likes it here |
Registered: September 2007
Messages: 338
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Scott
Please email me about this.
x
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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I applaud your courage and resolve.
Before you burn your bridges, I need you to look carefully at the benefits of companionship with your wife. Might those outweigh a possible lonely old age? If so, consider well how you act.
DO act for yourself, but out of "true selfishness" not out of any form of repressed anger that you have caused yourself by being gay and married.
All I am asking you to do is to think, think again and then consider your actions. The other man's grass tends to be burnt brown where you are not looking. Make sure your eyes are open. And then choose how you act.
[Updated on: Sat, 14 February 2009 16:53]
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Dear Scott,
I don't know what to say and I don't know if I can help. I too am married and gay but I have been married for 46 years next month and have stayed faithful and I'm 74 so it is a bit late to start again.
And clearly we are very different because I told my wife before we got engaged and we agreed we would try the experiment and it seems to have worked. So within my immediate family I've really had no coming out to face. My children have always known.
But I never told my parents.
I think and say I'm 90% gay. But as is obvious I must be a little bit bi or I wouldn't be able to go on as I do.
As I see it your big problem is how not to be cruel to your wife. Am I right? What about your children? My instinct would be to consult them first and ask for their help since your wife will need moral/emotional support.
And you are right. Maybe you are brave, but you are to be commiserated with because the road ahead is rocky and you will be liable to hurt people you care for and it is so unclear what will be the best way of doing what you need to do.
My commiserations and I'll be glad to help if I can and you want.
Love,
Anthony
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You know I support you, and I support you no matter what your decision. I do tend to think that there is a middle ground somewhere, that doesn't require the bridge burning you are contemplating. You and I will talk soon and discuss the alternatives. I don't know that my advice will be the best, never having been in your circumstances, but perhaps an outside view might prove valuable.
Hugs to you
Youth crisis hot-line 866-488-7386, 24 hr (U.S.A.)
There are people who want to help you cope with being you.
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I realize that in my on-line communications sometimes what I think I'm saying doesn't become articulate past my fingertips. In retrospect, I spoke of worst cast scenario. If there is any way to maintain my marriage, I'm for it. I'm just not terribly hopeful. I figure reality may lie somewhere between worst case and best. Sorry if I caused any distress.
Edit: Continuing or not continuing the marriage will be her decision, not mine. I won't act hastily at the behest of my friends. I'm talking months, not days here. Staying together would be advantageous for many of the reasons mentioned by timmy in the reply to this post. However, the marriage has become more like roommates than spouses. But even roommates stay as roommates for financial/companionship reasons.
[Updated on: Sun, 15 February 2009 00:50]
Cycling is the one sport where a guy can shave his legs, wear spandex and bright colors, and be accepted.
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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I am in your situation in so many ways. My marriage is 30 years this summer. I have wondered about discontinuing it, but have many reasons not to. These include:- I do love her
- I'm scared of being alone
- We are financially dependent on being a couple
- I promised things when I married her
- I am 56. I am tubby and not hugely attractive as a partner for a chap my age
- I am not attracted to chaps my age
- The boy of my dreams does not exist
- did I mention I am afraid of being alone?
- She is my friend
- This is mainly my problem. She does not deserve, in my view, being cast aside.
- etc
These are MY reasons. Your views may differ widely from mine. I'm apprehensive about retirement. Sex is not on the menu, nor is it allowed with anyone else. But I intend to stay.
[Updated on: Sun, 15 February 2009 00:27]
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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I read your post and all the responses and I can’t help but thinking that true love is wanting the best, you for your partner and your partners for you, otherwise the love is a selfish love which is no real love in my mind but rather a form of possession.
Love is not selfish. I hope that you both find a way to give each other the freedom that love should bring lovingly!
People will tell you where they've gone
They'll tell you where to go
But till you get there yourself you never really know
Where some have found their paradise
Other's just come to harm
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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I think, in a nutshell, that is the best advice here, and the hardest to take.
[Updated on: Sun, 15 February 2009 18:45]
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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I think it's all too easy for me to think this way simply because i am just one.
[Updated on: Sun, 15 February 2009 20:18]
People will tell you where they've gone
They'll tell you where to go
But till you get there yourself you never really know
Where some have found their paradise
Other's just come to harm
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Someone on the radio this week said that true happiness was being loved by those you love and being respected by those you respect!
Respect,
Anthony
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Hey Timmy,
I don't know if you can even recall conversations we have had in the past, but I had almost the same situation as you did about being really attracted to a boy when I was in jr hs. and being afraid to make any overture towards him. Yeah I went on in life unmarried and always looked back with regret at not being able to live that married life like they show in movies or how "they all lived happily everafter" etc.
However, I would think more about things and realize I spared some nice woman from marrying a gay guy through no fault of her own. That I had not gone on to a degree of deception in some way and hope I could really be a straight guy and get over those attractions. I could say I did the right thing, but I will also say I feel very left out of life's greatest things. I was not attracted to guys my age and at this point in life (and really since being a teenager) I have not been attracted to guys my own age. So I would not desire a relationship with another man. It is like being left out of both worlds in a way.
I do feel though that I made my decision to stay out of hetrosexual relationships because I knew I was not going to be in love with a woman and want a sexual relationship with her. To get married in that case would be a real bad thing to do to any woman. But also, I was never much a happy man either! Maybe I did the right thing, but I never felt good about what it did for me. I guess if I could have remained a teenager forever like Peter Pan, I would have been ok.
So my advice to Scott is to remain with that person he felt so in love at one point, that he got married to her. I assume you were in love at one point and maybe you are bi-sexual. To want to let her know about some of your attractions would be similar in a way to a hetrosexual husband telling his wife of 30 years that she was always second best and that he would have rather been with these other women. A bit cruel to do that I think. I cannot believe you could have been totally unhappy with being married to this girl you call your wife; so do you really think parting from her and perusing the gay life style will be so much a better thing? Someone has already pointed out how the grass can seem greener on the other side of the fence.
Maybe you never did feel love for your wife. If that is the case, then does she deserve to be told now? If you were in love and still have affection for her - even though maybe not a sexual desire - I don't see how telling her you are gay is a fair thing to do. I have thought a lot about coming out to people I know; I assume there are probably many who would not be the least bit surprised. However, then all those who have lived in my house as renters have themselves being looked at with a certain suspicion. Is it fair to those I have been friends with and worked with for years, to do that to them? I have decided that they do not need to know for sure even if they do suspect it. I do it mostly to protect those who were my friends from any undo talk or gossip. I think to do less is just plain selfish of me.
Ken
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Scott,
Coming out is a liberating and authentic action for you, but may well be devastating for those you love and who love you. As Timmy said, there are many reasons for preserving a 32-year marriage. Likewise, there are many reasons for being true to yourself and for giving others the chance to love your true self. I don't believe anyone is fully formed at any point in their lives, let alone a point 30 years ago, and I don't see the point in ignoring or hiding changes.
After 15 contentious years, my ex-wife and I separated and later divorced, and that was beneficial for both of us. We're better friends than ever, and we see each other regularly; we just gave up on uninformed, untenable, star-struck promises. That worked for us. Also, my being gay was not a deciding factor and was no surprise to her. Whether it would work for you only you have a hope of judging. I hope you can keep your marriage if you want to. I also hope you can be true to yourself.
One more note, something that I didn't start to understand until after divorce: when you love someone, you do what you can to make their world a better place.
Brit
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Macky
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Really getting into it |
Location: USA
Registered: November 2008
Messages: 973
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Ken,
I am floored by the beauty of your post here and the concern it shows for those around you. In case you haven't heard, I'd just like to say you are a beautiful, beautiful person and your post touches my heart.
Macky
Behold, how good and how pleasant it is
For brothers to dwell together in unity!
Ps 133:1 NASB
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Well, I came out to my wife this afternoon, a few hours before I had my first counseling session. She took it pretty well. The therapist basically said she reacted like most wives do when their husbands come out. Everything at this time is status quo. There was lots to talk about in my session.
Just wanted to keep you updated, but I'll probably not comment in this thread. I've now got to let my life run its course. Thanks for all your varied opinions and suggestions.
Scott
Cycling is the one sport where a guy can shave his legs, wear spandex and bright colors, and be accepted.
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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Counselling is useful as long as it has a goal and goes somewhere. Only expect it to be useful if you also find it challenging. As soon as the relationship with your counsellor becomes comfortable the relationship has failed.
Part of the relationship is that you need to be the one who sets the agenda. You need clarity about what you want to achieve, and then use the counsellor to help you to achieve it.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Well, I figured my wife was handling the whole issue of my being gay pretty well until tonight. Last evening she gave me her "terms", which were I am supposed to sign over my half of the house to her, in the event I leave her, she will have some financial security. After some thought, I had said okay, with one condition. If she were to sell the house, I would receive half the proceeds. Tonight she said "no deal". She wants the house in her name, totally, because she figures she stayed home with the kids for 10 years while I worked, so she is banking on the house for her retirement. She is in the same teacher retirement system as I am, but will have 10 fewer years, definitely not a reason for turning over a house worth a substantial amount.
However, if I stay, everything remains status quo, along with pooled paychecks. I think I can sense blackmail when I see it. I have the option of staying with her and keeping the house and the cars, or leaving with my clothes, cars, and bicycles. It's getting ugly. And I think it's time to see a lawyer.
Cycling is the one sport where a guy can shave his legs, wear spandex and bright colors, and be accepted.
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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Wait a few weeks, even months before seeing a lawyer. She has had a reaction. That's ok. Let the dust settle for a bit, primarily because it is likely to save money in the long run.
Since the house is probably half hers half yours anyway, signing it over would be foolish. And if she is earning then her need for alleged financial security is filled by her job.
[Updated on: Wed, 18 March 2009 09:01]
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Macky
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Really getting into it |
Location: USA
Registered: November 2008
Messages: 973
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Scott, It sounds as though the wife is feeling understandably insecure. I think you need to reinforce your committment to her somehow, if you really value your relationship with her. She needs to see how important she ia to you, if you do value the relationship, and I think you should. I lived the gay life before I got married and I can tell you it can be very lonely: committed gay relationships take very special couples who work hard at it.
I have been following your posts with great interest, because I am considering coming out to my wife. If you can find the time, I would love to hear your "lessons learned" and possible goals of coming out to the wife and costs vs benefits.
Behold, how good and how pleasant it is
For brothers to dwell together in unity!
Ps 133:1 NASB
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Huge Hug, Sending out some good vibes, hope everything works out amicably for both of you!
People will tell you where they've gone
They'll tell you where to go
But till you get there yourself you never really know
Where some have found their paradise
Other's just come to harm
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Benji
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Likes it here |
Location: USA
Registered: August 2007
Messages: 297
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I feel for you, I'm in the same boat, but my wife has taken ill for the worst (stroke) and I will not come out to her. I basically made my bed and will lay in it. Only three people in my life know about me, besides these forums.
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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I don't really know what to say. So I'm just saying it.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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