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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13802
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I'd have liked to do so many:- Sing well and in tune (wrecked my a teacher at age 7 and reinforced by her every term until 13)
- Gymnastics (yes, me too)
- Cubs (not allowed for some reason by my weird parents)
- Care for a pet (as above)
- Finish building my own bike from scrap bike parts found in the local woods (Apparently this was lower class, so not allowed)
- Be good at public speaking while a kid so I could have become a barrister. I was too afraid to even consider the career.
- Be a "To Serve Them All My Days" Schoolmaster
- Kissed a boy and been kissed back.
- Taken a K2 down the Exe Descent canoe race
- Bought a Citroen Light 15, and a Champ jeep with the Rolls engine (discouraged by my parents as stupid and a waste of money)
- Dared to be me
- Kept my school friends
- Been taught how to be good at team ball games
[Updated on: Mon, 09 March 2009 15:24]
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Fingolfin
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Likes it here |
Location: Slovakia
Registered: August 2008
Messages: 265
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Hi, Timmy,
there's truly only one and you know it.... The third from the bottom...and, btw, you have been yourself for your whole life in all things but one. People fail in so many things in their lives that it's not often even worth counting. But they succeed in plenty more, though they don't realize it. You have (succeeded), you maybe don't (realize). All the best to you
Marek
It is better to switch on a small light than to curse the darkness.
- Vincent Šikula, Slovak writer
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Benji
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Likes it here |
Location: USA
Registered: August 2007
Messages: 297
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Well Anthony, I was a competing gymnast for over five years when I was younger in High school, yes it was exciting and fun. But years later, the aches of those falls and sprains have taken a toll on my body, right knee, both ankles, both shoulders. Oh, well..no pain no gain as they say!
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Well, Benji, I don't envy you the aches and pains - I have some of my own, but as I say I would have loved to be able to do those things.
As it was I disliked contact sports and, mainly to avoid Rugby (but with a side benefit of avoiding the boredom of cricket) I rowed at school and university. And, had I been a gymnast, I would no longer be able to do much; but I can still scull my boat up and down in Bristol's 'floating' harbour or on the river Avon at Saltford. So maybe I chose wisely.
Love,
Anthony
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13802
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But I do not feel that I have ever truly been myself. And that is the point, I think
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Oh! Timmy, you give the impression of great self confidence and that you are completely at ease with yourself.
Is it really that false an impression?
Love,
Anthony
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13802
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All my life I have worn armour. So I can give an impression of being wonderfully at ease in any social situation except being asked to sing solo. I can walk naked through a ballroom without turning a hair; not that I ever have, but I can.
That doesn't mean I am completely at ease with myself. Inside I churn still about the idiocy, or self preservation, that meant I never told a young man nine month solder than me that I adored him. Understand that I would have hoped for a good result and accepted a bad one. I simply never gained explicit closure.
I am sure,today, that if I receive that closure I will find something else to fret about. But it drives me.
My wife said to me "I'm sorry. I've realised you can never be happy." She's right. I can be content, but not happy.
I am confident, urbane, apparently sociable but loathe business smalltalk and networking, and I appear at ease with the world. It takes practice. It's worth practicing. People believe you if you look and act confident.
In the company of gay men I am most at ease. No-one expects me to ogle the pretty girl and comment on her tits. I'm safer. But I am not in that sanctuary long enough to learn complete relaxation.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Wish I had known you earlier Timmy. The one most important thing Mark ever taught me was to be comfortable in my own skin. Sitting at home reading or going thru papers from school we were relaxed with each other.
Your wife was right, ou can never be happy. You gave up the possibility of having a mate to pour your heart out to, but chose to be safe and wear masks.
I wish I could hug you for real and tell you things are ok. But you know my heart goes out to you and you are never far from my thoughts.
If you stand for Freedom, but you wont stand for war, then you dont stand for anything worth fighting for.
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13802
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I do. When I made my choices I was weirdly unaware that I was choosing.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Macky
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Really getting into it |
Location: USA
Registered: November 2008
Messages: 973
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Nicely said, Roger.
Behold, how good and how pleasant it is
For brothers to dwell together in unity!
Ps 133:1 NASB
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I can relate to this a bit. Been wearing different masks for as long as I can remember. But 20 years later, they begin to fall apart and now I am only left with a few, and life seems brighter, my heart feels much lighter than before, but I am also more vulnerable than ever.
I suppose that safety is sometimes much better. I am sure I would feel at ease in the company of gay men as well, but I haven't experienced that yet.
Sometimes, our regrets fuels our drive to live. My past defines who I am today, and I cannot say I am completely happy about the things I did or did not do, but I am proud of who I am today, mostly of how I think and what I feel inside, so I need to have some kind of admiration to what once was.
dimarvalc
"We are not now that strength which in old days Moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are, - One equal temper of heroic hearts, Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield." Ulysses by Tennyson
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13802
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As the masks fall away life truly does get brighter. My own impetus is to strip away all unnecessary masks. But which are still necessary?
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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I suppose that is different from person to person. I know that my seriousness mask, the very first one, and the one that has helped me the most, will never break. It has been made stronger and stronger by time, and it is very useful. But it is also the hardest to my heart, of them all.
And, in my case, I suppose that my "closet" masks will be with me for a very long time. There is the coming out to the family thing, and to my coworkers. But, when I get fired from work eventually in the coming months (or maybe today, I hope not), I will have another mask to wear if I get work again.
So, yes! Life does get better as we eliminate them, but I do not think all of them will be gone.
dimarvalc
"We are not now that strength which in old days Moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are, - One equal temper of heroic hearts, Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield." Ulysses by Tennyson
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13802
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We choose the masks we wear. And we wear them for our own reasons.
[Updated on: Fri, 13 March 2009 13:51]
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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