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Hi folks
With your help and advice I have taken the plunge.
My shrink said 'go for it' after I showed him what I had written to Tim.
It was 24 hrs of hell and an aful lot of tears - on my part. But I think we have got over the first hurdle and things are bebining to level off. I think like Tim I am finding a whole new life opening out.
Hugs all round and thanks for your help
Friendship is the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts or measure words
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tim
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Really getting into it |
Location: UK, West of London in Ber...
Registered: February 2002
Messages: 842
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Tell us more. And Mike, your wife is welcome to visit here and to ask and seek what SHE needs too.
It has been a good week for coming out. Another frined has also done the same, and wept the same, though not to a wife.
KNOW that this is the start of sorting thing sout, and it is a roller coaster. And like roller coasters, the ride gets less violent as the ride nears the station
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trevor
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Really getting into it |
Registered: November 2002
Messages: 732
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that honesty will only add to a good relationship in the long run. I wish you the best on the discussions and "roller coaster" bumps in the future.
Has anyone found much help in PFLAG or similar, btw?
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warren c. e. austin
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Likes it here |
Location: Toronto, Ontario, CANADA
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 247
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Mike
My warmest and sincerest best wishes to you, and your family, throughout this time of trial.
I have the most profound respect for the courage that you and others as married men, both here at 'A Place of Safety' and elsewhere, show in confronting and expunging demons which have forced you to live conflicted lives, often-times in discord and misery arising from having repressed your true nature in favour of whatever peers, or society in general, may have expected from you.
From the perspective of nearly thirty years later, I know now (but you can be sure I didn't necessarily think so at the time, nor did I when my lover some 5-years later died unexpectedly from a massive cerebral hemorrhage) that I did make the right choice on that fateful day when I told a woman I adored that I couldn't marry her, and had to tell her why.
Unfortunately, it ruined one life, hers; she has subsequently never married; but it could have ruined three, and had far reaching implications had I chosen to continue the sham, as I may very well have done, had I been closeted, and not living openly gay when I first met her.
Those like yourself, whatever the motivation for having married in the first-place, and I'm not one to discount 'true love' being one of them either, having experienced it from both sides of the equation, have an especial dignity of purpose and strength of character which will see you, and your family, survive this. This is something those of who chose to live 'gay' shall never have, although we have other, and decidely unique crosses of our own to bear, ones which most of carry with pride.
You will never be alone again.
Well done!
Warren C. E. Austin
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You asked for more details!
I had told my wife that I was going to see the shrink because I couldn’t stop crying - she had found me in tears for no apparent reason.
Having had a long (1 hr) talk to the shrink during which I had given him a potted life history he reckoned I should come out as he felt that what I had written showed that the likelyhood was that I would do it sufficiently sympathetically not to antagonise her too much. She was very worried that I was going to leave her. When I got home I wouldn’t talk until we had eaten and then spilt the beans which was a rather damp affair. Her reaction was that I had damaged her self esteem and hurt her pride as she prided herself that our marriage was much better than a lot of others. Now she found it was a lot worse. I pointed out that she had known about me for a long time because she had found some incriminating pictures after we had been married for about six years. She asked if I had had any relationships since marriage and I had to admit I had. This severely strained her sense of loyalty which she considers very important. It made me feel a heel. The next day was fraught but we did talk and I cried a lot more. She had to do the Church flowers and spent a lot of time (she has told me since) ranting at life, me and everything else. The next day she said she had worked things out for herself and was ‘happy ‘ with the situation. I couldn’t believe I had been let off so lightly. What has amazed me is that a lot of my inhibitions have dropped away and we seem to be on a different level of relationship. One thing it has made me realise is that I love her, something I couldn’t or wouldn’t admit before. What a funny old life to have to tell your wife your gay to find out.
As I wrote to Tim I was definitely ‘a suitable case for treatment’ but the treatment seems to have worked.
Friendship is the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts or measure words
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mihangel
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Likes it here |
Location: UK
Registered: July 2002
Messages: 192
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I hope things continue the way they've started, and even better. You're right about burdens lifting from shoulders: they do, and it's good, for everyone. The worst part, for me, was screwing up my courage to spill the beans. But it proved utterly worth it.
Hugs,
Mihangel
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mihangel
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Likes it here |
Location: UK
Registered: July 2002
Messages: 192
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I've hesitated over posting this because I don't want to steal Mike's thunder. But I think it IS worth telling because it adds to the positive side of the picture.
I came out to my daughter yesterday. She was gobsmacked: not from horror but from surprise: she'd never suspected it. I came out to my wife 3 months ago and to my son 3 weeks ago. Couldn't do them closer together because of the mad way our family flits around the globe. All three have been marvellous. No blame of any sort. OK, I was owning up to gay thoughts, not to gay deeds. But they all understood, and think no worse of me. In fact the reverse, they say. I'm lucky in my family, I know.
In a few days my wife's back from China: haven't seen her for 6 weeks. And God, I'm looking forward to that because our relationship is already on a new and glorious level and promises better still. A few days after THAT, as the last of the current round of globetrotting, my son and I are off to Greece for a fortnight of father-son bonding. That bodes well for more chewing over of weighty matters because, like my daughter, he thinks deep.
It seems to me that the views of the young are just as valuable as those of the older. In some cases, more so. Bless you all.
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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WOOHOO to both of you guys. i know how much courage it took to do what you guys have done and though i dont know you i can still say i am proud of you guys.
keeping good thoughts for all
peace
tim...of USA
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smith
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On fire! |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 1095
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Bless you right back  You do indeed have a
wonderful family.
Gobsmacked..........what a great word! It makes
me think of Willy Wonka.
{{hugs}}
smith
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Coming out 
Well done, Mike 
