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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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He wasn't a demon, of course. He was just a kid. But that kid was my lifetime's obsession.
The book that I have completed and which is being edited right now deals with my teenage years and my love for him, and it, plus seeing a picture of him online as he is today, have created the opportunity for me to put him behind me.
I have no more obsession. This is good, because my obsessive personality does not normally let go of things at all!
If he were willing I am at the stage where we could be simple friends. he is not, of course, and I no longer wish for it. I love who he was in my mind when we were kids, but I have realised that, at least inthe final year I was at school, he was not entirely likeable. He was not nice, and did not deserve the awe and esteem I held him in.
I am almost certainly free at last.
My wife is very pleased. She still feels sometimes that she was second best (not so, just different) but she understands more about me each day.
I have not posted this for congratulations, they would be premature. I have posted it to show that it can be done.
I have had many good friends around me. Although unfair to single one out I will. Megaman, our anonymous powerhouse behind the site, has been there for me for many years, and his encouragement, his shoulder that I have cried on many times, has been instrumental in helping me find the courage to do this.
I could have done this without him, eventually. Instead he has just been there, even when I was unbearable and upset, and made it possible for me to do this now. Others have been, too. But he seems to have infinite patience with me. And I am saying Thank you in as much public as he will allow. Not that he knows yet. I will have to show him the post.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Macky
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Really getting into it |
Location: USA
Registered: November 2008
Messages: 973
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Oh gawd Timmy, This is such wonderful news. I know you must have considered well what you have posted and I know that it is sincere and true. NOw you are released from a relationship that has sapped so much of your emotional energy for so many years. Has anyone been hurt by the sapping away of your emotional energy? Will you redress their hurt? What new good will you apply your excess emotional energy to now? It's very good. I don't always understand you. I don't always agree with you. But I always like you. In my estimation, you are a good man. I am happy to know you. I am happy for you that you have finally freed yourself from this demon....(cute little demon though he may have been). Now here are so many more that need you. Find them and give them hope. This young man points to a particular group...but there are many more. There is lots of work to be done. And for some of it, you are the best suited.
http://www.telstarsblog.com/?p=4989
Behold, how good and how pleasant it is
For brothers to dwell together in unity!
Ps 133:1 NASB
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JimB
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Likes it here |
Registered: December 2006
Messages: 349
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Thank you for posting that link Macky.
Millions of children homeless and starving ... executives and athletes making tens of millions per year ... greed will be mankind's downfall
JimB
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Thank you, Macky for pointing me at the Telstar blog.
Some of those pictures are quite delightful.
Love,
Anthony
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I am very glad to hear it, Timmy, and I'm sure that writing about it helped.
In the same way the self-revelations that I've been able to make on here have helped me - even though I didn't have your sort of demons to exorcise.
And I think I probably understand some of your wife's feelings just as Sylvia used to get cross with me when I said I was gay and she wanted me to admit to being bi as gay left her out.
But isn't it odd that in my 75th year I am feeling good about meeting members of this group and even inviting people home and introducing them to Sylvia and feeling OK about it. And feeling OK about posting bits of biography here that I had always felt ashamed about.
When they say life's a journey I begin to see what they mean!
Love,
Anthony
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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Writing about it let me relive the entire scenario, and, as I replayed it to myself, I came to the conclusion I ought to have at the time but could not see. And that was a key revelation to myself.
[Updated on: Wed, 06 May 2009 13:11]
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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