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Most of y'all dont know me or dont remember me
but i have a rant... im still single and i freaking hate it here in this homophobic craphole of a town.... there is absolutely no one and nothing in here for me and yet here I am forced to stay, single alone and wanting what so many have but i seemingly dont deserve(fill in the blanks)
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Macky
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Really getting into it |
Location: USA
Registered: November 2008
Messages: 973
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Who or what is forcing you to stay there Jordan? Can you think of any ways to sidestep or remove this obstacle? Ummmm, could you might open a gay bar in town and wait for your pick of customers? Many gays are notorious drinkers and there would be no way to keep them out...especially if the bar includes a disco.
Behold, how good and how pleasant it is
For brothers to dwell together in unity!
Ps 133:1 NASB
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Lol... there aren't any 17 year old bartenders or bar owners that I'm aware of, Macky. But Jordan hasn't been here in awhile so you wouldn't have known.
Jordan's complaint is similar to what many of us felt - still at home, under parental control and feeling like real life is escaping us. The feelings become worse when stuck in a small, redneck town and you happen to be out.
Concentrate on building friendships, Jordan. It isn't the same as having a boyfriend, but it beats being alone. Eventually you will be on your own and can escape Alcatrazville.
Youth crisis hot-line 866-488-7386, 24 hr (U.S.A.)
There are people who want to help you cope with being you.
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Macky
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Really getting into it |
Location: USA
Registered: November 2008
Messages: 973
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Aw, Jordan...you're f**cked...I mean in the figurative and definitely not the literal sense.
Behold, how good and how pleasant it is
For brothers to dwell together in unity!
Ps 133:1 NASB
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If it was the literal my good sir things would be atleast a bit more positive
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ray2x
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Really getting into it |
Location: USA
Registered: April 2009
Messages: 430
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I'm glad you return to this spot, Jordan. I am not a familiar to you but I will be here to cheer you up.
Start a plan of action for when you can leave. That may help. The better prepared you become the better you can cope.
I do wish you some good moments where you are. Don't let the jerks get you down
Raymundo
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... can be, and more often as not is, a bitch; but then again, being ANY AGE and GAY (whether "out" or not) and LIVING AT HOME can be, and more often as not is, a bitch.
You should be able to take some comfort from knowing this.
Is your family aware of your situation; this being, your extreme loneliness and your sexuality, and the attendant alienation amongst your peers this may, and oftentimes does, bring, and the angst this ferments within the soul?
An earlier comment in this threads alludes to your residing in some sort of "red-neck" town. Would you care to share with us which town; and if not the name, perhaps a thumb-nail sketch for us to consider.
I, in my youth, resided in many a small town or village, the littlest of these, for nearly 10-years from age-18 or thereabouts, being Ayr, Ontario, then population less than 1000 if you included all the poultry, livestock and pets.
Others too, amongst us here, have survived similar environments, and would willingly share their experiences should you invite them to.
Warren C. E. Austin
Toronto, Canada
[Updated on: Sat, 23 May 2009 21:22]
"... comme recherché qu'un délice callipygian"
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I was in this position just two years ago, and I really understand how you feel. Theres not alot I can say that will make you feel a whole lot better, but there are some tips to ease the way, so to say, if finding a hot body to sleep in the arms of, or even just finding a supportive friend is easy.
First, and this seems completely useless, I know (But I still have to say it), is that even if a town has only 300 people, there are other gay people out there, and certainly SOMEONE who is supportive. It can truly be a bitch digging out who these people are, but sometimes I have been very surprised on who has a gaydar profile or other internet portfolio online, declaring them to be both living nearby and gay and/or supportive of just average everyday problems every teen has when we reach 17,18,19- ad infinitum, really, but these years seem the hardest.
Second: Talk, read, write, watch movies, post to any supportive site but stay in communication with a supportive, understanding and unbiggoted or judgemental structure or network of people. Be part of the gay community, no matter how one-sided or seemingly hopeless it can be. Reading online gay news helps, even if the news is depressing. But do try to avoid pessimistic things. I know it can be quite difficult getting gay-themed information in a small conservative town - books, newspapers, and Zeus forbid, magazines are an incredible hassle to aquire and - if you aren't out - hide under a loose floorboard in the dead of night. Don't even try a library if you cannot trust privacy or are intimidated. Even though paper makes the connection seem more real, online support networks offer some feelings of hope as well. Just be sure to password protect everything and be paranoid, if you are scared of someone finding out. That sounds like bad advice, but it has saved my ass a few times.
Three, find a hobby or interest with seemingly no overt 'gay' overtones, should you be wanting to ease some of the pressure subtelly - I survived by reading and writing fanfiction and poetry of all things. You can do anything from - I can't beleive I'm advising this - partaking in a sport and perving on the teammates in the lockerroom, to more artistic persuits to going away from people for a few hours and just talking about your problems aloud, or keeping a diary.
The control problem of feeling locked in a box by your parents, isn't new, its still difficult, however, especially if you want to remain on good terms with people who might not be initially and overtly supportive of who you think you are. The best way to solve this problem, is, surprisingly, i have found, to get an even more strict and formal set of rules to live by, by taking more responsibility in the form of a job, a leadership position in school, etc, and focussing your energy there. If you feel you need space to think and be yourself once in a while, this is an excellent and always valid excuse to get away from people who are smothering you. Work late (or pretend to do so) - but never lie and say you are doing something and do something completely different, like go to a friends' house or party. Just sit and do something that can ligitimately be confused with something approximating what you said you were going to be doing - doodling on a piece of paper can easily be confused with extra homework.
Furthermore, try to work slowly but consiously on your relationships - friends, family, etc. and try to improve them to the point where you beleive you can trust the other people with your problems, and being yourself.
Set yourself real, accheivable goals. Ex. getting out of your town, perhaps go to college or university where you can be yourself more, and work to get there. Look for bursaries, start privately and perhaps even annonymously enquiring about requirements for your goals and set logical steps to get there. Then work on them like your life depends on it. Goals don't just pop out of nowhere, and solutions don't come by the gallon from the corner store.
It will already make life seem more bearable, when you know there is an end to the dark long tunnel, it's exactly x miles away from you and you need y gallons of fuel to reach the light again. Bad simile, I know. Still, it worked for me, and looking back, its looking alot closer to the gray of dawn than the pitch of night than it did the last time I looked back.
PS - did I say to keep in touch with people who understand? Well, do. You can take that as an order for good psyciatric health from me.
A truth told with bad intent
Beats all the lies you can invent
-William Blake
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Benji
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Likes it here |
Location: USA
Registered: August 2007
Messages: 297
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Hey Jordan, things will get better. Are you college bound? If so you have but a year at home if you are able to secure scholarships. It would be great if you could attend a University that is in a gay-friendly environment. Good Luck!
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