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Macky
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Really getting into it |
Location: USA
Registered: November 2008
Messages: 973
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I think I was right to act the butterfly when I was young, and to alight on all of the flowers that I could. Looking back, I'm so happy I lived that way, because I have many heartwarming memories of really nice guys. As I aged, the thrill of the hunt and the ecstasy of groping the golden ring on the carousel of life diminished and I longed for permanence. Now losing my committed relationship is unthinkable. My partner is not perfect. For one thing she's not a guy. But I doubt that any of our visions of the perfect partner lives and breathes. But the way people grow together over the decades is priceless. To me, and I'll turn 58 on Friday, the rewards of commitment are many fold worth giving up the freedom of being single. So what are your views of the "commitment vs freedom" dichotomy?
Behold, how good and how pleasant it is
For brothers to dwell together in unity!
Ps 133:1 NASB
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Can't choose for other people, Macky, but for me there is no choice. It has to be one partner at a time and preferably just one forever.
Love,
Anthony
[Updated on: Wed, 20 May 2009 20:07] |
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What's a person to do? On the one hand there is this "til dead do us part" line in the vows. On the other there is nothing in common but the names on the house and bank account. Read between the lines and you'll see my status from my last coming out posts. After the kids left, there is nothing in common anymore, being gay not even in the mix of issues.
Cycling is the one sport where a guy can shave his legs, wear spandex and bright colors, and be accepted.
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Macky
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Really getting into it |
Location: USA
Registered: November 2008
Messages: 973
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Scott,
It could be that you have nothing in common. After decades of caring for kids, pursuing separate hobbies, and developing your separate interests people can grow apart.
Yet you have your marriage vows. And I would assume that you are loathe to break them, because you want to do right by your wife, and because it is scary for you to set out anew at this time in your life. When you made those vows you had reasons. Since you are gay, I would assume that the reasons were not so much passing physical beauty as reasons of the heart, right? Can you still recall those reasons? Answer the question "Why did I marry this woman?"
Once you have answered that question answer this one. "Are the reasons I married this woman still valid?" If they are, you should ask yourself "Why don't these reasons matter to me anymore?" and "Might they ever matter again, that is, is this a temporary thing I'm going through?" If you determine that they will never again matter you need to do a cost/benefit analysis on divorce. Answer the question "What are the advantages of divorce" and "What are the disadvantages of divorce." THen come to your conclusion.
If the reasons you married her still are valid and they still matter, you should obviously stay married.
But most importantly of all about this exercise, share your answers to the questions with your wife and talk about them. If she will not talk about them, she is helping to break up the marriage. And, until you both agree on something together, your marriage promise to each other still binds. If you don't intend to abide by those promises, you might as well leave because there can be no trust between you. BUT, I feel that the marriage promise between 2 people can be modified by the agreement of the pair. You, like me, would probably like to have a boyfriend on the side. How does the wife feel about that. You should not coax or persuade. You should demand honestly; Would it make her worry? Would she be hurt? "Would she be concerned about your expense of both money and time with your boyfriend?" After a heart to heart discussion with my wife after coming out to her, I came to believe that my having sex with a boyfriend would break her heart. I don't ask why. I trust her. Then the question is "Do I want to break my wife's heart." For me the obvious answer is that I could not live with myself if I hurt her. Once that was off the table, I talked with my wife about things that I could do. It turns out that she is very lenient. I take porno to bed with us. Before I do, I show it to her and tell her how I use it in my fantasies to show her that I am just going to be "this weird" and not nearly so weird as she can imagine. She allows me to do the gay chats. She allows me to do this forum. (And allows is the proper word here if I am to keep my vows.) Moreover, we do my gay stuff together. She reads the forum. She watches gay movies with me. The stuff I used to do clandestinely has become stuff that we do together. Does your wife read your posts here? Does she read your email? If not, then why do you exclude her from these things? Are your reasons for excluding her valid? Seems that if you let her share in your gay life, you might get something in common again. If you still like your wife, and you seem to, well work at developing common interests. And for you , the gay life is an interest that she could participate with you. Explain to her that when she doesn't, she is alienating you. If she sees your gayness as something sick, then she is alienating you. There has got to be some honesty and some acceptance going on, if you really want to save this marriage. Your goal should be to become comfortable in your own home and share life with the one you originally chose to share it with. You should give one hell of an honest effort at this. It could be togetherness or it could be divorce and you and your wife are the ones who will determine which.
Behold, how good and how pleasant it is
For brothers to dwell together in unity!
Ps 133:1 NASB
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ray2x
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Really getting into it |
Location: USA
Registered: April 2009
Messages: 430
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I feel the committment is better. As there are times to sow and times to reap, there were times for fluttering about, which I did poorly. I chose to commit to my boyfriend at a young age and he saw fit to try the nectar of other boys. I got jealous for sure but he often returned to me until at last we had a spat and seperated. I've always felt seperating was a mistake and indeed he even admitted years after the fact that we were meant for one another. It was too late since I had married already. I may have broken his heart for once but it was a painful realization that I caused some pain to him which he really did not deserve.
But the memories can fulfill the ache of misguided arrogance. I have wonderful memories of him and the fulfilling times of sex which occured frequently. I can stay married and have the memories. I have stayed in some forms of contact with him over the years and I may one day visit him in San Diego. But the committment of my marriage is strong, as was the committment for my boyfriend some 30 years ago.
Raymundo
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Macky
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Really getting into it |
Location: USA
Registered: November 2008
Messages: 973
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Mundo, Commitment is very nice. But I am glad that I was in an open relationship when I was young. I had the stability of a long term relationship, yet I enjoyed all the variety and craziness of being a free spirit. Looking back, I realize that I had some wonderful experiences. Commitment is a beautiful thing, but I think that you may have missed some fun when you committed to your boyfriend early in life. I guess that it is all personal preference, but my advice to young folks remains; Be safe. Play the field and have fun. Make good memories. I think you get better at making a commitment when you have experienced everything first. You seem to be saying that you regret not having more varied experiences in your youth because you were so taken with your boyfriend. I am sure that there are advantages of the early commitment too. What made you want to be exclusive with just the one boy? Was the love just that strong? Reading your post, I wonder how my life would have been different had my first love turned out to be gay and receptive to my affections. Maybe it just depends on who one is in love with.
Behold, how good and how pleasant it is
For brothers to dwell together in unity!
Ps 133:1 NASB
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