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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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Macky asked this. arich started an answer. And this needs its own thread.
I'm going to think about how I learned to love myself and answer when I can.
I can tell you that I do not love myself 100% of the time
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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A few years back I did not. I had no particular interest in living or dying, even while you all thought I was positive and cheerful and some sort of dependable rock.
I ate carelessly, and put on a shedload of weight. Wise move, that. I acquired type 2 diabetes. And that gave me a shock. You see, while I didn't much care if I lived or died, I was expecting heart failure, not a slow and tiresome death from diabetes.
I haven't got the diabetes under proper control yet, but I do have ME under control. I started to care about living, and living well. I started to choose to enjoy the parts of my life I can control, not to waste them.
And I realised that people quite liked me, those I had not pushed away irretrievably.
I took that feeling of being liked and I built on it, at LAST taking the advice to simply take the decision that I am likable. It IS a decision. I found the things I liked and found them to be good.
I started to discard negative folk. You cannot be positive when surrounded by negative people.
I chose to grow up. This has been the hardest and the loneliest thing to do. I chose to discard my comfort zone completely. My comfort zone contained one main thing. It's name was John and its form was the formless object of unrequited love. And that was hard to discard and kept coming back to haunt me, probably because I wanted it to.
He is gone. And because he is I now have time for me.
This hasn't really gone the way I intended when I started to write. Hmmmm.
What I mean is that I CHOSE to like myself. Then I chose to put myself back into working order. My body is faulty in a number of ways, but I can cope with it. My MIND is no longer as faulty as it was. I care now. And that is the first stage.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Not everyone does, some just tolerate themselves. For whatever reason life can be a roller-coaster and I don't think we are meant to understand why all the time.
I don't steer myself towards perfection but rather to be attentive to my spirit's needs and try to organize myself accordingly.
Love starts from a simple, "I love you" or, I care, not everyone can say I love you so I care is their best.. 
People have a habit of changing your direction through life
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The reason I didn’t elaborate any farther about my own journey to find and understand self love is because it was so wrapped up in my personal spiritual journey. So even for those that may also find that they are imbued with a spiritual nature there is no way that I can say objectively how others should go about learning to love ones self.
I will go so far to say that Great Spirit, Deity, God (I) put (my) belief in is one of love and that love is the nexus from which every thing flows!
Please understand that I am not speaking of or for any religion. I do not believe in religion nor am I here to proselytize!
People will tell you where they've gone
They'll tell you where to go
But till you get there yourself you never really know
Where some have found their paradise
Other's just come to harm
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Macky
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Really getting into it |
Location: USA
Registered: November 2008
Messages: 973
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"I started to choose to enjoy the parts of my life I can control, not to waste them."
Hmm. Your post, especially this quote, led me to think of something. We love ourselves just like we love others. So just imagine that instead of your own body, you have the body of someone you truly love to take care of. If you love this person, then you will want to exercise his/her body to keep it in shape and looking its best. You would be careful about what you fed this body because you would not want to harm its health. You would give this body much physical enjoyment. You would give this body reading and education so that it would be intelligent and an interesting conversation partner. YOu would put this body in the presence of enjoyable company. etc etc etc. So we love ourselves in just the same way that we love others. Everything we would do for our beloved, we also should do for ourselves. We often take more pains to be pleasant to our beloved than we do to be pleasant with ourselves. We choose the road of laziness when it comes to loving ourselves, because it takes a certain self discipline, which is effort, which is hard. By not expending the effort to love ourselves, we feel unloved, just as a beloved person might when the lover takes no pains to cause the beloved joy.
Behold, how good and how pleasant it is
For brothers to dwell together in unity!
Ps 133:1 NASB
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The first step is to accept yourself, warts and all. 'All' includes your good points. I think that applies to everybody.
As far as 'me' is concerned retirement helped cast off years of collected personal garbage. Someone said to me that now you're retired, you don't have to impress anyone any longer.
Further to that I survived two life threatening illnesses in the last five years. That helps to put things into perspective.
Everyone has faults. Goodness me, I have had mine pointed out to me throughout life, and still do. Once you are aware of them you can do something about them, and particularly build them into strengths.
Coming to terms with my sexuality (helped by retirement) has put my mind at peace.
I have retained my ability to laugh, including at myself.
Hugs
Nigel
I dream of boys with big bulges in their trousers,
Never of girls with big bulges in their blouses.
…and look forward to meeting you in Cóito.
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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I like very much the "not having to impress anyone" element. One can choose how much one FEELS of that while still being able to impress people.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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I hope I'm not smug or self-satisfied, but I don't think I needed to learn how to do that; I think maybe I always have.
Somebody once said to me that my ideal partner would be someone just like me and I've often thought that they were right.
But it isn't just me that I like. It's nearly everyone else. It would have been very easy to be promiscuous - the only problem was a shortage of willing partners. Maybe there is a bit of bonobo monkey in me! And maybe the rest of the world doesn't like me (or at least, not enough!)
And I think I understand what's behind the question, because the most distressing times I've felt were when I was stricken by self doubt or worse - when I had done something wrong or unkind (usually through not thinking, but I have been unkind on purpose and I still cringe to think about it).
It certainly helps being rather old. Eccentricities are tolerated and the burdens put on one are lighter. Society is very conformist. I wore a suit to work for forty-odd years so as not to stimulate negative comment in my bosses or clients or colleagues (and I wore a jockstrap underneath for the frisson and because nobody could see!) When I started wearing tights I expected more rejection. I've actually had very little - the worst I can think of is a few people who look at me disapprovingly or who laugh at me behind my back (or even to my face).
My goodness the world is a better place than it was when I was growing up.
Love,
Anthony
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