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Losing an obsession is not a bed of roses [message #57686]

Thu, 02 July 2009 22:11

timmy

Has no life at all

Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800

Make no mistake, I am relieved that I am no longer in the slightest bit attracted to John. He's gone, pretty much buried. Writing my book plus seeing a picture of him as he is today have shown me that his personality was unappetising and selfish, and his looks today are unappealing. He has gone completely, and more thoroughly than he could have done by meeting me and telling me things I needed to hear but never wanted to.

This is a good thing.

But it's damnably lonely, too.

I was lying in bed last night and I realised that I have no sexual fantasies any more. You see I only ever fantasised about him. Even the boy I replaced him with in my day to day longings was but a pale and convenient temporary replacement for the brat of my dreams. Everything sexual I have ever wanted to do I have wanted to do with him. I never could have, obviously. But now I can no longer imagine it, and I can't replace him with anyone.

It's very odd. When I was 12 masturbation was a mechanical act of interesting physical sensations. Ages 13-56 have been rich seams of fantasies that I have mined with diligence. And now, rising 57, I am back to mechanical gratification with impaired functionality.

It is good to have finally fallen out of love with him. But I wish it felt as good as I know it is.

[Updated on: Thu, 02 July 2009 22:14]

Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School

Re: Losing an obsession is not a bed of roses [message #57695 is a reply to message #57686]

Fri, 03 July 2009 07:39

Fingolfin

Likes it here

Location: Slovakia
Registered: August 2008
Messages: 265

Last year I came out to one of my friends whom I had been in love with. He said he understood and that it was okay to be friends, but rejected love. It was a relief, because I got my answer, albeit it was not what I'd hoped for... There were feelings of loneliness afterwards, however, it went away in several weeks. It is said that time can cure any wound. Well, we are still friends, I love him as a friend, but luckily I got rid of my obsession. I know, Timmy, that there is an age difference between us, but I wish you got over it asap (or as soon as I did) and found new object for your fantasies. Masturbation without fantasies is something I wouldn't like to experience. Good luck and head up. There are many people who like/love you and are grateful to you.

Marek

It is better to switch on a small light than to curse the darkness.
- Vincent Šikula, Slovak writer

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