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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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When my mother died I renewed intermittently an old acquaintance. I got back in touch with Ali, the girl on the sailing page of my website, because I knew she liked my mother and, while she would be unable to come to the funeral, she would appreciate knowing.
Recently I sent her a good few photos I'd scanned in of her own family, as well as the one of her behind the boat, and we've been chatting by email. Yesterday she asked me why I was disparaging about my parents.
It's odd how each revelation seems to take courage, and yet I know that sexuality is a very small aspect of who I am. I gathered up that courage and emailed her a reasonably compact version of how I had been so terribly afraid of my parents while I was a teenager, and why.
Of course Ali does not live online. She has a real life. She and her husband farm, and, knowing her, she farms energetically. So I don't expect a reply for a few days.
It's not that it's important whether she approves or not, that's the weird thing. If she doesn't approve I'll not see her again. If she does it's still unlikely. But she knows, now, why I pushed all my friends away, illogical as it was to do so.
So why am I watching my inbox for a reply?
This evolving process can be tough.
[Updated on: Sat, 11 July 2009 09:05]
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Macky
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Really getting into it |
Location: USA
Registered: November 2008
Messages: 973
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I think that you are watching your inbox because you want approval from another human being. Like many human traits, it does not make a lot of logical sence, yet I feel it is a need we have. I think we all get warm fuzzy feelings from being our honest selves and having others tell us we are OK or nice or courageous.
Behold, how good and how pleasant it is
For brothers to dwell together in unity!
Ps 133:1 NASB
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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I think you have hit the nail on the head. I don't need the approval but it would be pleasant to have it.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Macky
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Really getting into it |
Location: USA
Registered: November 2008
Messages: 973
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It takes courage to reveal something of one's true self to another. It's just natural to expect acceptance and approval when one does something noble like that. It takes courage because you can never be sure you'll get affirmation. The trick then, is to have enough self-confidence to get over the disapproval and look for approbation elsewhere. For me, the true self involves being gay. My first 2 tries at this sort of thing did not yield acceptance. My third try yielded some measure of hostility. After these repeated failures, it got really difficult for me to reveal anything about my true self. After 21 years together, I finally showed my true self to my wife. A series of private correspondence with a guy I met here gave me the courage to tell her. The acceptance of the real me was wonderful. I experienced it for the first time at age 57. I needed it. Now I do not have such a critical need for it, but I like it and am always looking for ways to get more acceptance. Maybe that's why I post to this forum.
Behold, how good and how pleasant it is
For brothers to dwell together in unity!
Ps 133:1 NASB
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Well, Macky, in the last few months I've come out to more people than ever before. The college I went to gave a dinner for its old graduates and I was able to ask quite a few of them whether they realised I was homosexual when we all lived together (1955-1958). Not one of the people I asked HAD realised (of course most of my close friends knew). I was able to tell one (I shared philosophy tutorials with him) that his best friend was homosexual and had died of aids. In those days it was so unthinkable that people got away with it to an amazing extent.
But I do think that you have been very unlucky in getting negative responses.
I don't think I've ever had one of those. Of course I've often realised that I'd better not say anything because I WOULD get a negative response but in those cases I haven't taken risks. Not from the time my girlfriend agree to marry me after she knew until today. Do I live in a gay-friendly bubble that insulates me from the rest of the world?
Love,
Anthony
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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I come out for myself. Part of that is judging the potential reaction before making the commitment, because the reaction is for me, too. I like to be accepted.
I think we select our gay-friendly bubble.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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