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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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Only somewhat. Not entirely, but somewhat.
On my mother's side of the family I have some unusual characters. I would think "sheltered" is the best description I have for them. They are no all in the 20th century I fear.
Yesterday I emailed them three urls
I sent them in this email:
BEGINS
Now you'll be wondering "What the heck does he mean. He's in your face, brash, outgoing, sometimes less than charming, takes no prisoners, teases unmercifully, can be rude as hell" and so much more.
Sometimes it's just time to peel back the outer shell, the armour, if you like, and let folk know what's on your mind. Some of you know already, others almost certainly don't. So I have some reading material for you. Do me the favour of reading it.
First and foremost, please read: http://tinyurl.com/cxruy4 Read it with some care and, if your mind was once set differently, consider changing that mind.
Then please read: http://tinyurl.com/lyq9xs to learn a little more
And then follow it with: http://tinyurl.com/lzgojj
So I've been somewhat reticent. Yesterday I realised that it no longer matters. I was the prisoner of my own mind and, as a kid, two of the weirdest parents you could ever meet. Trust me, if you thought they were strange then living with them and in their shadow was not pleasant.
This is no longer quiet, private, kept under the carpet. This is real life. Weird, ain't it?
ENDS
I have received back so far three replies.
One said simply "well done". That is from my trans cousin. She never writes much. I value those two words highly.
One was from from the other side of the world. It was somewhat critical, but even handed. I don't think he wanted his world to be rocked.
One just now was somewhat vitriolic. It requires me to be a martyr and subsume my own feelings in order to protect others from whatever it is. Hard to explain, but he says I must put other people first. He is the one we used to run bets on about how long a time would elapse when we meet until he made a derogatory remark about queers. I imagine I am no longer welcome in his home 
So, for sure not all coming out experiences produce good reactions, but these are family. But the great thing is that prejudice is exposed. Every lining has a silver cloud.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Macky
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Really getting into it |
Location: USA
Registered: November 2008
Messages: 973
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Well, now we know how they feel, Timmy. But I think the more important consideration here is how you feel about it. So what has 'coming out' to these family members done for you personally?
Behold, how good and how pleasant it is
For brothers to dwell together in unity!
Ps 133:1 NASB
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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To be fair, this was not a surprise. So you need to understand that I did it simply for myself. I am sick of living a lie and I calculated that any negative fallout would be more than countered by the lack of any need any more to pretend.
That was the calculation.
But I am not a machine.
I would be lying if I said I was unaffected by it. I have written to the girl who said "well done" and told her that I prize her words greatly. She and I are not close, not even comrades in adversity, but I prize her words.
I sent a reasoned reply to the guy in NZ which my local homophobic cousin decided was a diatribe. But he has always been homophobic. He started not liking Elton John after he discovered he was gay!
Apart from "Well done" the other comments have been as "reply to all", so they are conducting a campaign of some sort! So I am affected. But I was never close to them. They have always been small people. In a day or so this will not matter at all.
Today it matters a little. It matters mainly because it is just not polite.
So I have no need to hide any more. And I know who is a shit and who is even handed and who is brave and true. And yes, something in me died, but it will live again.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Well, Timmy, in my book it took courage - and that sort of courage is the only thing that has some chance of eliminating the stigma of being gay.
And stigma it is, still, I believe. But when I was young being left-handed was similarly unacceptable. My hero, Kenneth Iverson, had his left hand tied behind him to his chair when he was in junior school and forced to learn to write with his right hand.
In some places there is no racist stigma left (but not in my opinion in most of the southern USA). And it's clear things are getting better and the stigma will all go.
I deplore your relations' eagerness to gang up on you and if you would like me to I'd be glad to write to them to tell them they are wrong to do that (and they ARE wrong, however little you mind).
And, I suppose the main difference between us is that I have almost no family left to come out to. Only one of the 13 sibling (& half-sibling) relations of my parents is still alive. And I haven't spoken to any of my dead brother's family for three or four years.
So, I think, I'm let off, or letting myself off. Am I a moral coward?
Love,
Anthony
[Updated on: Tue, 04 August 2009 16:58] |
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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Ah, I am simply grateful that I no longer need to pretend. I liked the guy who ripped me a new arsehole, but it appears that his moral rectitude is more important than anything of mine. I have asked him if we are having a vote. Obviously he shoudl stand up and be counted.
Now should I remind him that he was quite enthusiastic in his attempt to bugger me when I was 11 or so, in his parental home, in his bedroom? And should I do that "reply to all"?
Or should I simply prize the "well done", softly spoken, and with quiet words?
I think I shall prize those two words.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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I thought you might like to see what they said. First NZ:
Hmm, this needs a response Tim. I was about to press the Delete key but slept on it so that I could make a neutral comment of advice.
I appreciate that you are being honest about your feelings, but you must also realise that your reaction in wanting to share the “warm fuzzies” with others is very much akin to that of fanatical converts to religion, for example, when they discover something and expect that other people should feel the same way about it and are confused or offended when they get rejected. There is no need to advertise it like one of your marketing strategies, just be yourself as you want to be and people will accept you for who you are not what you say you are if they want to.
Advice is something I do not need, but I read it, understood it and treated it in the spirit it was given, that of neutrality.
I replied thus, I am editing the names. Because "reply to all" had been used, I used it myself. This is a mailing list we use normally to keep in touch with the family.
You make a strong point. And I thought for a long time along similar lines, so let me set out my thinking. Since you hit "reply to all", so am I. I'm amused at the broadcast nature of your reply.
There are no warm fuzzies here. Truly. And I am unconcerned about being accepted or rejected. I shall care, briefly, about being rejected, but I am old enough and ugly enough to know that people reject others for all sorts of reasons. I might, for example, have ginger hair and be rejected for that, or I might be Maori.
In the USA, a nation we feel is tolerant, I might have been hung on a barbed wire fence and pistol whipped and left to die, just because I have a sexual orientation that is not the classic heterosexual.
These are some of the reasons that I went to Brighton to march in the Gay Pride parade. I went there to add one human soul to the number of human souls who stood up and were counted as being proud to be different; I went to advertise that one more ordinary, normal bloke, with all the frailties of any bloke, would stand up and say "Some people are Gay. Get over it!" If that is marketing, then it is the marketing of another facet of normality.
The reasons we each have for coming out are very different.
Some folk wish to shock. Others do it out of anger. Others do it to feel special. Some do it to say "look at me!" There are so many individual reasons, and the ones that are outward facing are as valid, in their way, as the ones that are inward facing.
Mine is a combination of outward and inward. I have always been a very private person. I know that doesn't look like the truth, nonetheless it is the truth. Revealing anything about myself has always been difficult. I was brought up by a pair of self centred nuts and I was raised to be exhibited as the china doll of perfection. I wonder if you can conceive how harmful that was? I hope you can't. Very few folk can get near it. I was made to hide things form the world and from the family. We drew back from the family because "they were not good enough for us" because [my mother] was a social climber and [my father] was "More English than the English". He related to his father in law, but I am sure he married [my mother] to try to get English nationality. It turned out that made her German!
I was made to hide even the fact that I failed my degree because I had to be perfect as far as the outside world was concerned. [my mother] believed that I had three A grades at A Level, though she had even photocopied the certificates that showed I did not by any means have those, not even a single one. I wonder if you have any idea (and I do not mean this as a pointed personal attack, I apologise if it looks that way).
My inward reasons are to stop hiding. I'm 57 years old tomorrow. I've been hiding since I was 13. I am sick of having to laugh at anti-gay jokes, as sick as I am of hearing anti-nigger jokes. And I use the word "nigger" on purpose. I have had enough of having to pretend-agree that girls on TV are attractive when I am desperately attracted to the man next to them. Note how one can say "Girl" and mean anyone female of almost any age, but if I say "boy" you will jump to the conclusion "paedophile". I've worked all my life in a macho, raw meat eating sales environment, an environment where poufs, fags, queers, nancy boys, pansies, benders are despised and vilified and have been forced to leave employment. My first job was in the civil service, where being queer meant security risk and dismissal.
There's nothing warm and fuzzy, is there?
And, though I appreciate and like my family now I am learning to cross the great gulf caused by my parents, a gulf I was too stupid to cross until [my mother's] funeral, if any or all of you say "I'm not going to be associated with Tim because he's queer" then that is how it will be. I'll regret it and those who stand aside will never understand how sexual orientation is but a small part of a person.
So the inward looking side is for me. I have had enough of hiding. Hiding is now over. That doesn't mean I'm going to wear pink angora sweaters, tight black leather trousers and suddenly talk with a camp lisp and walk with a mince. I'm the same man I've always been. I like the same things and I act the same way. The only thing that's different is that you all know, now, that I prefer Brad Pitt to Michelle Pfeifer, and, given the choice I would be naked and sweaty with him and not her. And, just so the boys are clear, gay men do not want to get inside your pants unless you are attractive. I find most men as unattractive as they find me. So any "backs to the wall, lads, here comes Tim" jokes, while vastly amusing (and I have lost count of the number of times in a macho environment I have had to appear homophobic) are genuinely offensive. I always wondered on the heterosexual man's preoccupation with anal sex, but that is a different matter.
The outward reason for coming out?
It's as simple as "I wish to do this".
Did you know that heterosexuals come out with their sexual orientation within five minutes of meeting you?
"My wife and I..."
"I had a great evening with my girlfriend last night..."
"My kids..."
"We're getting married..." (at least that is less hetero-specific nowadays)
We homosexual folk have been unable to do that for years. We have had to be conspicuously vague about domestic arrangements. Me? No. I happen, by pure luck, to be in love, still, with a beautiful girl. Love crosses orientation and gender. But we hide all our lives. It causes stress and depression. It loses us jobs. It makes many of us harsh, brash, argumentative. That's ingrained in me now. I may be able to lose it, but it will take substantial work.
No, there are no warm fuzzies here. The truth is that I had a horrible teenage time, passionately in love, romantic love, with a boy who hardly noticed me and whom I could not tell in case he outed me, and I was heading for aversion therapy or ECT, or Insulin Shock Therapy, or a lobotomy. yes, [my mother] would have done that. I grew up in terror of my parents. [my mother had "helped" [her sister] into the psychiatrist units a number of times, you see. So I never told him. And I suffered most of my adult life for that because, until very recently, I still loved, obsessed over him. I do not, now.
I do see your advice as neutral, yes. I will accept being rejected, yes. But this is not a marketing strategy, a marketing campaign. This is another unique cousin that you have. And you all have wonderful uniquenesses. You have battled against prejudice in many places in your life. I don't know your sister, I'm afraid, and I'd like to, so I know nothing of her strengths. [my m2f trans cousin] is, perhaps, the most obvious of us who has battled prejudices. I have never been close enough to anyone else to know much, really, about them. I'm closest to [the cousin who replied next] and [female cousin who thinks gay is fine], but I also know them only by what they choose to reveal to me. I've seen foul and self centred prejudice from [Oz cousin], whom I have no need to meet again, and I hardly know [Oz guy's sister 1] and [Oz guy's sister 2], and would like to know them better. So we are a pretty ordinary family.
I wonder if that helps you understand more clearly?
No marketing, no warm and fuzzies, no religious conversion, just a bloke who is fed up with hiding. I know your sexual orientation (or the way you all represent yours), and now you know mine.
So, a lengthy reply. Sorry about the italics, but I couldn't think of a better way.
And I got the most interesting reply, one sentence of which doesn't make any real sense, from the cousin who replied next, to, of course, the entire list:
Tim/[NZ Cousin],
We agree completely with [NZ's] response to your diatribes, Tim.
Like many, we have had enough of being preached to and the passing of the buck to parents who are no longer in a position to respond regarding blame is rather unfortunate. You are what you are - obviously! Like [trans cousin] we have to accept that people make choices in their lives. We are not judgemental but thought for those who are not used to coping with something different would be better than trying to keep justifying a new way of life.
The biggest issue from our perspective is the affect on [your wife] and [your son]. There seems to be little mention of them in your long epistles! Surely they are far more important as immediate family as far as feelings and future are concerned following your revelations than your personal emotions?
We trust you will have a Happy Birthday tomorrow.
Well, I shall have a happy birthday tomorrow. I'm viewing a boat he will never see and then going to check on the house he will never be a guest in. Unless he mends his manners, of course. And even then I will consider seriously what action to take over continued acquaintance.
I wasn't aware that I had uttered a diatribe.
As I said, it matters some, today. It will matter a little tomorrow. But it is not the intolerance that I mind, it is the lack of politeness and good manners. I seem to have upset him by telling him something personal about me! That can be the way it goes.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Macky
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Really getting into it |
Location: USA
Registered: November 2008
Messages: 973
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Timmy, IMHO, this is a very nice piece of writing. I sorta feel your words and share your rejection. I think that you should put it up as an autobiographical story on the shelf.
57 tomorrow? Well happy birthday, young-un!
[Updated on: Tue, 04 August 2009 23:34]
Behold, how good and how pleasant it is
For brothers to dwell together in unity!
Ps 133:1 NASB
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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I don't see, quite, how to make it a story. But that is, perhaps, because I am currently too close to it.
I didn't realise how much it had affected me until I woke at 3:45am and found it was nagging at me, keeping me awake. The man who decided that he didn't want his tidy little life rocked is the one who has the "duty of family" at his core, and who keeps in touch with everyone as a duty. I have now saved him a couple of phone calls a year it seems.
I imagine his whole self recoiled in horror. I've watched him do this twice, once over Elton John and once over Kenny Everett http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kenny_Everett when he discovered that each were queers. He liked each once and he dropped each like a hot brick when he found they liked blokes!
I find him rather annoying, truth to tell. He has a fund of allegedly amusing anecdotes, and he tells them in magnificent detail!
[Updated on: Wed, 05 August 2009 03:38]
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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I thought for a day or two about what I ought to do about "homophobic cousin", the one who really didn't want to hear such revelations because they upset his stomach.
I had a very pleasant and quiet response from one of my female cousins, private and to the point saying "Nothing has changed, we just know you better", and homohating boy finally deserved a response.
I don't really expect him to reply, but I sent this:
Thank you for the genuine birthday wishes contained in your card rather than the curt note at the foot of this. We have been away for a well earned break, and I spent my birthday in Cornwall.
If you want to discover the effect on [wife] and [son], ask them. [email] will reach him, though he is going on holiday on Saturday evening and I doubt you will get a response until his return. I've been out to him since he was 15. He teases me about it.
You seem to be trying to turn something I was simply telling you into something of your own - a campaign of some description. That's a strange thing to be doing. Is this a "Stand up and be counted" thing?
I made my peace with my mother well before she died. My father, no. But I did have to flatten him to stop him form hitting me. Had he survived as long as she did then he would have known, too.
The nub of your reply seems to be "Keep things like this to yourself because actually they disgust and upset us".
I gave you, all of you, the information because I am sick of hiding who I am. I do not hide from my wife. I do not hide from my son. I now do not hide from you. Your opinion, well, it's interesting. It was predictable in view of your homophobic attitude that you display often, an attitude I find unappetising but I imagine is based on the very pseudo-masculine working environment you had, and it is unimportant. You are now better informed. You will do whatever you wish with that information.
And the choice I made? That was to inform you. I have made no other choice. I am as I was created, as are you. The difference is that you have never experienced, so far as I know, having to hide from your parents because you were terrified of them. I, by contrast, have.
You will note that I have not broadcast this to loads of people.
So, now I know what you think. I always knew what you thought. I have often cringed at your anti-gay jokes and jests. We always wondered how soon after the start of any conversation it would be before you introduced gratuitous homophobia. Sometimes you surprised us and made it under 10 minutes, other times you left it for an hour or so, but it has always been there.
But at least you are better informed now.
So why not start again? Go back to the original email and realise that it was not "against you and your sensibilities", but was something that I felt was important - the cessation of hiding.
Have you read this far? Lord knows. Perhaps you'll never read anything I send you again. But you shoudl try your best to learn charity and decency.
You have to put this into the context of his and my attempts to bugger each other when I was 11. He is three years my senior. I may remind him of that soon.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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As I say elsewhere, Timmy, people die on me. Most of my cousins are quite a lot older than I am and the one who spread the rumour in the family that I was gay is long dead.
But maybe I wouldn't have called him out. When I was eight I hero-worshipped him. He was quite good-looking too!
The person who minded most, I think, was my mother. She wouldn't hear of it and thought it was dreadful to do that.
Love,
Anthony
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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I have only two cousins younger than I. One is braver than I and is m2f trans. The other is a tough lass with a heart of gold. She's on holiday right now and I'm out to these two anyway.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Macky
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Really getting into it |
Location: USA
Registered: November 2008
Messages: 973
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Timmy, People develop psychoses for all sorts of reasons. What if there were someone in your homophobic cousin's early life who made him feel just as scared about wanting to bugger his younger cousin, as you felt about your orientation. His jokes and outward homo hate may be a defense mechanism that allows him to function in the life he currently has. While it is good that you let him know that his homophobia is showing, I do not see what good it would do for you to remind him of these adolescent escapades. He has likely truly repressed them and will claim that they never happened. And that will just piss you off all the more.
Behold, how good and how pleasant it is
For brothers to dwell together in unity!
Ps 133:1 NASB
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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Only he can say. But what I will not accept is his rudeness. I always knew he was a narrow minded fool, but he was raised to be polite. So polite is what he will find he becomes.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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I showed the correspondence to SWMBO. She was astounded at the patronising reaction from New Zealand. With apologies to Kiwi, I had to explain that NZ is only now entering the 1960s, so it was not at all surprising.
She also wondered what homophobia boy was going on about with "lifestyle changes" and his rather strange idea of taking sides.
One cannot choose one's family, I fear.
But one can alienate them simply enough!
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Dear Timmy,
when I first started working for Stonewall the director was resigning and going to emigrate to live with his boyfriend who was a clergyman in NZ. Since the clergyman had the right to live there so did his boyfriend!
His replacement at Stonewall was Angela Mason who I remember with pleasure and gratitude.
I don't know whether there was another director since then apart from Ben Summerskill.
But I formed the impression (supported by Kiwi's stories) that NZ was a long way ahead of us in tolerance and acceptance.
Love,
Anthony
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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I have odd relatives!
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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kiwi
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Likes it here |
Location: New Zealand
Registered: August 2009
Messages: 317
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Oi!! In defence of my country ... No, you're probably right ::-)
(But that's not a bad thing!)
We do have a large, and growing, liberal streak. Our local Baptist minister got the boot because he was too anti-gay (and he's a brit).
We have several openly-gay members of parliament. Apart from the old arm-chair warriors, most people, especially the young, shrug and say "So?"
And, i do tend to accentuate the positive in stories. Who needs the negative?
cheers
Commas matter - 'Party on Dudes' is not the same as 'Party on, Dudes'
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Fingolfin
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Likes it here |
Location: Slovakia
Registered: August 2008
Messages: 265
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It always depends on people. Yes, education, upbringing, and especially religion have large influence on the thinking of people when it comes to tolerate "odd" things.
You should always know who you are coming out to. In last couple of weeks I came out to several of my friends and there was only one reaction: "Oh, wow, OK, I would never have guessed." And they seem ok with it. But, on the other hand, I really tried to figure out how they would react and had there been any doubts, I would not have told them.
You cannot say that in NZ people are homophobic, the same goes for UK, US or Slovakia. You will find those who are positive, those who are negative as well as those neutral everywhere. The only thing that is interesting is the ratio of those.
Marek
It is better to switch on a small light than to curse the darkness.
- Vincent Šikula, Slovak writer
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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There are still folk I will think twice about telling. But I decided I was going to tell the family en masse.
The interesting thing is that two of the reactions were to tell the entire family that I was wrong, foolish, stupid, or something. One assumed I was having a change of lifestyle!
NZ boy is an armchair warrior. He's 63 and has, perforce, lived a sheltered life because he is almost blind and has been since birth. He's a decent bloke and will sort his head out.
Homophobia boy is a different kettle of fish. He runs away at any sign of homosexuality. His is a true phobia, not a hate. Time he confronted his fears, then. He, too, is a decent bloke, but he can be a total twat, too. I imagine I am off his Christmas card List!
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Fingolfin
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Likes it here |
Location: Slovakia
Registered: August 2008
Messages: 265
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You cannot exchange your family. You do not choose your entire family when you are being born. I still think that you made the right choice.
You say that there are people you would think twice to tell them. Well, there are people who I would think thrice (!!!) and thrice the decision would be NO!
On the other hand I think you will agree that coming out to an understanding person is a huge relief and very often, at least in my case, it enhances and improves friendships.
Marek
It is better to switch on a small light than to curse the darkness.
- Vincent Šikula, Slovak writer
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timmy wrote:
I have odd relatives!
Our relatives are chosen for us. Thank goodness we can choose our own friends!
J F R
The paradox has often been noted that the United States, founded in secularism, is now the most religiose country in Christendom, while England, with an established church headed by its constitutional monarch, is among the least. (Richard Dawkins, 2006)
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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I had a lovely phone call this evening. It was from probably my most conservative female cousin. She said "so what?" pretty much
So now I have a full house of replies. And that has meant I have been able to email them to thank them. I thought you might like to see what I sent them. I have also copied She Who Must Be Obeyed.
BEGINS
I just wanted to thank almost all of you.
[NZ armchair warrior] broke the ice with well meant advice which he shared with you all. I responded with emotion and further information, not, I hope, unkindly. If there was any peace to make or any bridge to rebuild I hope [NZ armchair warrior] will agree that we have done so.
With one exception everyone has reacted with understanding and kindness. What one is born is what with one is born with. We may not understand the burden other folk carry, but we can acknowledge that they are born with it.
The exception was, briefly, the cause of great anger. But [homophobia boy] reacted according to form. I had expected no different. He won't see this email until his return form France, I imagine, and he may have had time to think about how badly he angered me. I have let him know, privately, and in no uncertain terms. He also managed to upset [wife] in that she read into his reply that I have now decided to go and shag all the blokes I can (in addition to his trying to raise a righteous army against me, or so it seemed to me).
Nothing whatsoever has changed. I am not about to go and shag blokes. [wife] has known I am gay for many years, [son] (our son, for those who do not know him) since he was 15. If anyone would like to know what they think of having a gay husband or a gay dad, please ask them. [son] is on [son's email] I happen to love [wife] very dearly and am very lucky to have met and married her, gay or not. She seems to quite like me, warts and all, too.
As almost all of you realised, I am sick of hiding. So I stopped.
I'm not heterosexual and am no longer pretending that I am. And, because of that, I feel free. I've been telling people gradually over the years. It is not a sudden decision to come out. I've been living with knowing I'm homosexual since September 1965. I've been able to talk about it since 1998. Sexual orientation is a very small part of a person unless we let it grow too large in importance. It used to consume me that I was not how I was meant to be. And that has meant a life containing much despair and many tears.
So, nothing has changed except that you all know now who I am, and why I sometimes behave as I do, why I react badly sometimes to things that are said. It may not be important, nor even interesting to you, but it was important to me. And I'd like to thank all of you. Unfortunately I can thank only all but one.
[homophobia boy], this is not against you. The bridges can be mended if you choose to. I'd like to be able tho thank you, too, for your understanding and kindness. I'm sure it's only your being out of email contact that will delay that.
Tim
(not, please "timothy". That awful name was inflicted on me by my parents)
ENDS
[Updated on: Fri, 14 August 2009 23:33]
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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I admire the way you have come out to your family and that you can see that it is the way to get over it (and the secrecy that gnaws at you while it isn't done).
Being older, I have fewer people left alive to tell and have long since told them all (or decided not to bother). I don't think I have a friend that I've spoken to during the last five years who doesn't know. But I also have a lot of acquaintances that I haven't told. And as that doesn't matter to me I hope it doesn't matter at all.
Love,
Anthony
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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Well, I have also claimed the Moral High Ground and an head and shoulders above homophobia boy now That was important. I didn't do this for the bastard to lecture or patronise me, after all.
The overall message is that this requires strength and commitment. It is not a thing one can say "I was joking, I didn't mean it" after all.
It is not for everyone. This time last year I was not ready. Now I am who I am and I am proud to be me.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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acam wrote:
> ...But I also have a lot of acquaintances that I haven't told. And as that doesn't matter to me I hope it doesn't matter at all.
The answer is that it only matters if it matters to you. We come out for ourselves, not for others. We do it for whatever reason we have at the time.
I have friends who do not know. There are two that I care about enough to wonder whether to tell, not for me, but for them. With one there will be disgust. I can cope with that, the more so if it is honest disgust. The other will have a row because "you should have told us before" etc.
I told my mother in anger. I'd had enough of her never listening to a word I said and making up the truth. I told my BDSM friends out of devilment because I knew he would believe me and she would not. I told my work friend because she was supporting me at a disciplinary hearing where I was about to be fired by a malicious boss for making a small, simple and stupid error, and played the "gay and depressed and being treated for depression" card to avoid being dismissed.
I've told folk otherwise when I needed to tell them. And always to meet my own needs.
My family have never been important to me. I was raised to treat them with disdain because my mother felt we were better than they are. We weren't. They're fine folk, even the homophobic arsehole. And I'm learning who they are and their strengths and differences. And, to do that well, I chose to tell them that they have another unique cousin.
I'm amazed to be sent supportive messages by all of them save for the arsehole. And he has gone to his house in the South of France until October. He won't be able to set this aside, though. Despite not having email there, I am mailing him a hand written letter, one that I happen also to have scanned in because I know he'll screw it into a ball. I'll give him a decent time to reply and then email him the scanned images to await his arrival at home.
Never give a sucker an even break!
And I still have not reminded him of our being naked together when I was 11 and he 13, nor of the serious and fun attempts at buggery and his introducing me to the term "bum bandits" and suggesting we might be them, nor of the annoyance that he never taught me to wank, nor of how proud he was of showing me his chubby little dick with the circumcised skin all bunched beneath it, nor how he wrapped it in Dettol soaked cotton wool and came to my room that night to show me how clean it was!
Ah, but I will. Probably at a family function when all the rest are present and he is being obnoxious. Because I want a public and decent apology from him, and I am going to get it!
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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Those of you who have been following this know that I have a cousin who is hostile to homosexuals and homosexuality, and that I have already claimed the moral high ground.
He is on vacation at present and has not, naturally, deigned to reply to a handwritten letter I sent to his holiday home. He is away for a further 6 weeks or so. Doubtless they do have mail in the South of France, but he seems allergic to using it.
But he asked how my wife and son were affected by my homosexuality. So I put finger to keyboard and, instead of telling him precisely which policeman's truncheon to insert anally, I wrote http://tinyurl.com/lk7t3r
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Macky
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Really getting into it |
Location: USA
Registered: November 2008
Messages: 973
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"... since I was employed in a secure area of the Home Office, homosexuality was important. Or it was important not to be homosexual because you were then a security risk and would lose your job. Remember the Russian Spies?"
This was certainly the case with Alan Turing. The secret service followed his sex life with great interest. I wouldn't be surprised if it were these guys who fed him the poisoned apple because they considered him a security risk.
Behold, how good and how pleasant it is
For brothers to dwell together in unity!
Ps 133:1 NASB
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