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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13801
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As you all know I've been struggling to get out from under my obsession for the boy I fell for in school in 1965. And I am now out of love entirely and out of obsession.
Only I woke today and could not find a single thing about him that was ever, had ever been, lovable, even really likeable.
I went through school head over heels in love with this kid, and, now I've realised he was always a self centred, selfish kid I can find anything, any remnant of what I once loved so badly.
He wasn't even particularly good looking.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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There's no accounting for who you are attracted to, Timmy. You surely already know that! When one is very young it is common to find oneself attracted by fleeting and evanescent characteristics. I was - but I was lucky enough not to be in a situation where I felt I had to hide it and being open about it and spending a lot of time talking to the people I was attracted to made it possible to find out what they were really like and sometimes that increased the attraction but it certainly helped me to get over the less worthy ones.
Your problem seems to me that you couldn't check on your attraction by getting to know the object of it in depth or admit it and so were prevented from getting over it. And it became a big thing and when you did get over it that was a huge release and also horrible - for obvious reasons.
But now you really must stop beating yourself up about it.
Love,
Anthony [self-appointed dutch uncle!]
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13801
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Hi Hans!
It isn't that I was beating myself up over it. I woke up and almost burst into tears because I had wasted so much, invested so much in someone who was not even worth a second glance.
Probably I'd awoken in the middle of an emotional dream and it continued into waking. But it was a moment of stark realisation.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Macky
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Really getting into it |
Location: USA
Registered: November 2008
Messages: 973
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Timmy,
I think that we can all mourn our squandered youth. The important thing is that you have finally buried the past. Now live for the day so you'll have no cause to mourn this period of your life in the future.
Macky
Behold, how good and how pleasant it is
For brothers to dwell together in unity!
Ps 133:1 NASB
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13801
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What is odd is how completely and totally the feelings vanished. It's quite a lonely place to inhabit.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13801
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I have been reminded, kindly, that love was important then because it existed then. And that whatever attracted me to him then caused my love for him then. And that it was valid, possibly even selfless, to love him so deeply.
It is not valid to worry, today, over my perceptions then. Where love has fled the scene today that is fine, but it was fine to love him all those years ago. I just got stuck loving the ghost of him in between.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Timmy, it is the same for all of us here, in a way. Whether we did anything about it or not we were nearly all attracted to people of the same sex and that was not a false attraction.
Then some of us got married (for love or convenience or in hope of a 'cure' or to a soul-mate. And many of us that did also managed to be faithful and make a go of it and built a lasting partnership. It is not in me to regret that and I don't sense that many here regret it either. Those that did are probably no longer married.
But all of us were touched, to some extent if were were ever in love and it would be foolish to try to deny that. And if it made us do foolish things which we are now ashamed of and regret there is nothing we can do about it now.
"Some people were in love with unsuitable partners; get over it".
And it applies to straight people too. Not many of them were lucky enough to make no mistakes in their love lives - and many of those I know have been unfaithful or unkind in other ways and seem to me not to be 'better husbands' than the gay/bi ones. Apart from the many who 'experimented'.
Do I deceive myself?
Love,
Anthony
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13801
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It's just suddenly perplexing to find the object of adoration suddenly wholly unattractive and unappetising.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Macky
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Really getting into it |
Location: USA
Registered: November 2008
Messages: 973
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This is the second time you expressed this sentiment in this thread. It is exactly the way I feel about Albert, my first love. It seemed so to transcend all other feelings. Then, after 2 years of mourning, it just died. It shook my faith in love for a lifetime. It changed me. Probably for the better. I'll never feel that starry eyed love again, because I do not trust that feeling anymore. Maybe that's why I have a problem with telling people that I truly love that I love them. I call what I had for Albert 'love', yet it is not at all what I feel for my wife. And I don't know how to put into words what I feel for my wife. To call it 'love' would feel trite to me. For me that would not communicate what I feel for her. So, yeah, you are always going to be awed by the way your perceived 'love' vanished. Its really nothing less than shocking. For me, that shock has never worn off. Since you held on to your 'love' for so many years, your shock has to be even greater. And I guess I can understand your feelings of loss. But in reality, you have gained. You have regained control of your life. That's very good. I would hope that you come to feel a certain affection for the memory of the love you felt though. I know I love the memory of Albert for whatever reason. Logically, I think I should hate the memory, but I don't. But then, Albert was an exceptionally kind person as I remember him. Today he doesn't answer my emails and that is not a person that I know, so I feel nothing for him.
Behold, how good and how pleasant it is
For brothers to dwell together in unity!
Ps 133:1 NASB
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13801
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Trust love.
It comes in many different guises, sometimes weak, sometimes powerful, sometimes all consuming. Sometimes it vanishes. But trust it.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Considering that the average lifespan for so many centuries was somewhere in the late twenties or early thirties, nature 'urged' us at an early age towards a possible mate. But with increased longevity we aren't expected to act on these early feelings and are taught to channel those emotions into more socially acceptable avenues. It would obviously be better if we didn't get those first, strong emotions until our early twenties. But then nature is cruel in more ways than one.
My circumstances were close to those of Timmy's. I fell hard for another boy the first day I started Jr. High School. He was the subject of my rich fantasy life for the next seven years. We became good friends (due to my persistence) but never anything beyond that. I was too afraid to allow my true feelings to show although I'm certain today that he was aware of them. But I never again felt the depth of the emotions that I felt for that first love. There were guys I lusted over and even felt strong emotional ties towards, but it wasn't the same. There has never been anything even close to the scope of my first love.
Have any of you other guys ever been bitten by the love bug a second or third time as strongly as you were the first time? Just curious.
Youth crisis hot-line 866-488-7386, 24 hr (U.S.A.)
There are people who want to help you cope with being you.
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Not me Paul. The first was so special. And I'm still friends with him.
[Updated on: Sun, 16 August 2009 21:22] |
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13801
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Yes. Surprised myself by falling for a girl, and am still with her nearly 31 years later.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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I was besotted with my first love: that's why I felt so badly betrayed when I sussed out that he was mainly interested in me because of my age, and that for him it was an intrinsically time-limited relationship.
I had a number of crushes after him. But the big love of my life: the intoxicating one, the one that shaped my life (and the one that affected me so badly after we split up that I dropped out of Uni and was unable to do anything constructive with my life for nearly a year) happened when I was 23/24. I only finally got over him when we met up again (it's a small industry, and it was inevitable it would happen sooner or later) a decade and a half later ... that was when I wondered what I'd ever seen in him.
The person that caused us to meet up? Someone that I'd been in love with for a while, would be in love with through my late 30s, throughout my 40s, and though no longer "in love" with him, still love him dearly. A gentle, sustaining love, and one that for various reasons never ended in sex, though it was physically demonstrative and affectionate.
Some love is a roaring fire, some a gentle warmth. But I don't necessarily think that one is "stronger" than another, and the roaring fire may, I suspect, be liable to burning itself out.
"The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral, begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy. ... Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night devoid of stars." Martin Luther King
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Fingolfin
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Likes it here |
Location: Slovakia
Registered: August 2008
Messages: 265
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My first obsession is far passed.
My first true love and relationship was with a girl. We are parted but still very good friends.
My first male love was very strong. I felt that I would have been able to do anything for him. I told him, I was rejected and relieved. It's better to know the answer, even negative, than to suffer not knowing at all. We do not meet each other any more...
My second, and so far last, love was the strongest I have ever felt. I really got to know him, personality, opinions and so on. I told him, once again I was rejected and relieved. We are still friends.
Marek
It is better to switch on a small light than to curse the darkness.
- Vincent Šikula, Slovak writer
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ray2x
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Really getting into it |
Location: USA
Registered: April 2009
Messages: 430
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It seems that love survives in a multitude of forms. I had a notion of this but the actual fact alluded me much through my life. Yet here it is in plain text how much love is involved in everyone's lives. Sometimes I really can't see beyond my nose which is a bright red from much sneezing and coughing.
Raymundo
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Macky
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Really getting into it |
Location: USA
Registered: November 2008
Messages: 973
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"Some love is a roaring fire, some a gentle warmth. But I don't necessarily think that one is "stronger" than another, and the roaring fire may, I suspect, be liable to burning itself out."
Wow NW,
I think you are on to something there. And you express it so poetically.
Behold, how good and how pleasant it is
For brothers to dwell together in unity!
Ps 133:1 NASB
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Macky
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Really getting into it |
Location: USA
Registered: November 2008
Messages: 973
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"...once again I was rejected and relieved"
Marek,
Twice you expressed your love and were rejected. Twice you felt relieved. I honestly don't understand what "relief" means here. Perhaps you mean that you felt relieved that you expressed your love. Having that love rejected, however, could not have caused any relief though, could it? It must have been painful. Or am I wrong? Macky
Behold, how good and how pleasant it is
For brothers to dwell together in unity!
Ps 133:1 NASB
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Macky
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Really getting into it |
Location: USA
Registered: November 2008
Messages: 973
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"Have any of you other guys ever been bitten by the love bug a second or third time as strongly as you were the first time? Just curious."
Well, there was another time that it took me 2 years to get over a relationship. But it was so different from the first that I don't feel that the 2 relationships were the same thing. Thinking about it, it seems to me that no 2 people that I ever loved were in any way comparable. Each relationship was/is too different; too unique. And that's probably another reason that I don't use the word love in everyday speech. I think I can't group everyone I've ever "loved" into the same word. Each time it seems totally different.
Behold, how good and how pleasant it is
For brothers to dwell together in unity!
Ps 133:1 NASB
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ray2x
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Really getting into it |
Location: USA
Registered: April 2009
Messages: 430
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No love bug bites lately. However, a curious thing of an old love awoke: my first boyfriend. Somehow over the years and distance and many relationships he had, he told me that he still loved me and had treated me rather badly. He also knew that I was in a good family relationship and just had a daughter. His love still has feelings. I just cannot take up his offer. But I do love him and we have emailed and talked frequently. I feel we're settling down to a good ol' fashioned friendship.
Raymundo
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Yes, Raymundo, I feel that the first experience of love was special too, and even the first sex even though there was no question of love then - it was just friendly.
And I was lucky; I wasn't treated badly.
Love,
Anthony
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