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Heavenly Warranty
The manufacturers of God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage of our product. In order to better serve your needs, we ask that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that do not need to disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to your comments or suggestions.
1. How did you find out about God?
__ Newspaper
__ Television
__ Word of mouth
__ Koran
__ Tabloid
__ Bible
__ Torah
__ Bhagavad-Gita
__ Divine Inspiration
__ Near Death Experience
__ Communist Manifesto
__ Burning Shrubbery
__ Other sources (specify): _____________
2. Which model God did you acquire?
__ Yahweh
__ Jehova
__ Allah
__ God
__ G_d
__ Father, Son & Holy Ghost
__ Jesus
__ Satan
__ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god
3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
__ Yes
__ No
If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here: _____
4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a god?
Please check all that apply:
__ Indoctrinated by parents
__ Indoctrinated by society
__ Imaginary friend grew up
__ Wanted to meet girls/boys
__ Wanted to piss off parents
__ Desperate need for certainty
__ Need to feel Morally Superior
__ Tax write off
__ Needed a reason to live
__ Needed focus for whom to despise
__ Hate to think for myself
__ Fear of murder by a missionary
__ Needed a day away from work
__ Like Organ Music
__ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it
5. Have you ever worshipped a False God? Is so, which False God were you fooled by?
Please check all that apply:
__ Odin
__ Zeus
__ Apollo
__ Ra
__ The Great Pumpkin
__ The Sun
__ The Moon
__ The Grateful Dead
__ Cthulhu
__ The Almighty Dollar
__ Left Wing Liberalism
__ The Great Spirit
__ Barney T.B.P.D.
__ Bill Clinton
__ Barack Obama
__ A burning cabbage
__ Other: ________________
6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God?
Please check all that apply:
__ Tarot __ Lottery
__ Astrology __ Television
__ Fortune cookies __ Ann Landers
__ Psychic Friends Network __ Dianetics
__ Palmistry __ Playboy and/or Playgirl
__ Self-help books __ Sex, Drugs Rock & Roll
__ Biorhythms __ Bill Gates
__ Tea Leaves __ EST
__ Mantras __ Jimmy Swaggert
__ Crystals __ Human Sacrifice
__ Pyramids __ Wandering around a desert
__ Insurance policies __ Janet Reno
__ Barney T.B.P.D. __ Other: ___________________
__ Barney Fife __ None
7. God employs a limited degree of ‘Divine Intervention’ to preserve the balance between felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer?
(Circle one):
a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
d. I don't know ... what is ‘Divine Intervention’ ?
8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level between disasters and miracles.
Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following
(1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):
a. Disasters
flood 1 2 3 4 5
famine 1 2 3 4 5
earthquake 1 2 3 4 5
war 1 2 3 4 5
pestilence 1 2 3 4 5
plague 1 2 3 4 5
AOL 1 2 3 4 5
Windows 98 1 2 3 4 5
Junk e-Mail 1 2 3 4 5
b. Miracles
rescues 1 2 3 4 5
spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5
stars hovering over towns 1 2 3 4 5
crying statues (except Shirley Mclaine) 1 2 3 4 5
water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5
walking on water (except Cuyahoga) 1 2 3 4 5
talking flaming shrubbery 1 2 3 4 5
VCR that sets its own clock 1 2 3 4 5
Sadam Hussein still alive 1 2 3 4 5
Marlins winning the Series 1 2 3 4 5
Clinton's re-election 1 2 3 4 5
Bill Gates conceiving a child 1 2 3 4 5
9. Are you on the market for a newer model God ? Would you like one of our non-aligned sales representatives to contact you ?
__Yes __No
10. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary.)
Begin writing here ____
The paradox has often been noted that the United States, founded in secularism, is now the most religiose country in Christendom, while England, with an established church headed by its constitutional monarch, is among the least. (Richard Dawkins, 2006)
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