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Macky
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Really getting into it |
Location: USA
Registered: November 2008
Messages: 973
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Yeah,
I'm damaged material.
Not many folks here have school aged kids, but I'm on a mission here to help elucidate how damaging bullying can really be. I dunno, but as an old old guy who still feels really really affected by it, I submit this for your consideration. It's attributed so I guess it's OK copyrightwise.
Max
Studies Reveal Why Kids Get Bullied and Rejected
Yeah,
Robin Nixon
LiveScience Contributor
LiveScience.com robin Nixon
livescience Contributor
livescience.com – Tue Feb 2, 10:01 am ET
Kids who get bullied and snubbed by peers may be more likely to have problems in other parts of their lives, past studies have shown. And now researchers have found at least three factors in a child's behavior that can lead to social rejection.
The factors involve a child's inability to pick up on and respond to nonverbal cues from their pals.
In the United States, 10 to 13 percent of school-age kids experience some form of rejection by their peers. In addition to causing mental health problems, bullying and social isolation can increase the likelihood a child will get poor grades, drop out of school, or develop substance abuse problems, the researchers say.
"It really is an under-addressed public health issue," said lead researcher Clark McKown of the Rush Neurobehavioral Center in Chicago.
And the social skills children gain on the playground or elsewhere could show up later in life, according to Richard Lavoie, an expert in child social behavior who was not involved with the study. Unstructured playtime - that is, when children interact without the guidance of an authority figure - is when children experiment with the relationship styles they will have as adults, he said.
Underlying all of this: "The number one need of any human is to be liked by other humans," Lavoie told LiveScience. "But our kids are like strangers in their own land." They don't understand the basic rules of operating in society and their mistakes are usually unintentional, he said.
Social rejection
In two studies, McKown and colleagues had a total of 284 children, ages 4 to 16 years old, watch movie clips and look at photos before judging the emotions of the actors based on their facial expressions, tones of voice and body postures. Various social situations were also described and the children were questioned about appropriate responses.
The results were then compared to parent/teacher accounts of the participants' friendships and social behavior.
Kids who had social problems also had problems in at least one of three different areas of nonverbal communication: reading nonverbal cues; understanding their social meaning; and coming up with options for resolving a social conflict.
A child, for example, simply may not notice a person's scowl of impatience or understand what a tapped foot means. Or she may have trouble reconciling the desires of a friend with her own. "It is important to try to pinpoint the area or areas in a child's deficits and then build those up," McKown explained.
Ways to help
When children have prolonged struggles with socializing, "a vicious cycle begins," Lavoie said. Shunned children have few opportunities to practice social skills, while popular kids are busy perfecting theirs. However, having just one or two friends can be enough to give a child the social practice he or she needs, he said.
Parents, teachers and other adults in a child's life can help, too. Instead of reacting with anger or embarrassment to a child who, say, asks Aunt Mindy if her new hairdo was a mistake, parents should teach social skills with the same tone they use for teaching long division or proper hygiene. If presented as a learning opportunity, rather than a punishment, children usually appreciate the lesson.
"Most kids are so desperate to have friends, they just jump on board," Lavoie said.
To teach social skills, Lavoie advises a five-step approach in his book "It's So Much Work to Be Your Friend: Helping the Child with Learning Disabilities Find Social Success" (Touchstone, 2006). The process works for children with or without learning disabilities and is best conducted immediately after a transgression has been made.
1) Ask the child what happened and listen without judgment.
2) Ask the child to identify their mistake. (Often children only know that someone got upset, but don't understand their own role in the outcome.)
3) Help the child identify the cue they missed or mistake they made, by asking something like: "How would you feel if Emma was hogging the tire swing?" Instead of lecturing with the word "should," offer options the child "could" have taken in the moment, such as: "You could have asked Emma to join you or told her you would give her the swing after your turn."
4) Create an imaginary but similar scenario where the child can make the right choice. For example, you could say, "If you were playing with a shovel in the sand box and Aiden wanted to use it, what would you do?"
5) Lastly, give the child "social homework" by asking him to practice this new skill, saying: "Now that you know the importance of sharing, I want to hear about something you share tomorrow."
The studies are detailed in the current issue of the Journal of Clinical Child and Adolescent Psychology. They were funded by the Dean and Rosemarie Buntrock Foundation and the William T. Grant Foundation.
* 10 Things Schools Don't Teach Us Well
* 10 Things You Didn't Know About You
* Understanding the 10 Most Destructive Human Behaviors
* Original Story: Studies Reveal Why Kids Get Bullied and Rejected
Behold, how good and how pleasant it is
For brothers to dwell together in unity!
Ps 133:1 NASB
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I'm completely with you Macky; bullying is abhorrent and can mark a person for life. I was lucky to go to a school where bullying was stopped as soon as it began. All my grandchildren go to a school which does that too.
I support Stonewall's efforts to stamp out homophobic bullying in secondary schools.
But bullying is quite common in the workplace, in my opinion, and the huge salary differentials seem to me to encourage it and maybe are a symptom of it.
And I think it is common in sporting circles, at any rate in the UK. I think the fact that there are so few gay and out top flight sportsmen is a symptom of it. I don't know of a single footballer that's gay!
And, I think, the only way to change society is by bringing up children to see how dreadful bullying is and then, maybe they will discourage it when they are adults.
Love,
Anthony
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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I'm sure I've mentioned this before, here. I know I have at http://timtrent.blogspot.com/2009/11/its-anti-bullying-week.html I was bullied and I used to be a bully until a kid I bullied beat the crap out of me when I was 14.
My son was bullied at his first school (ages 5-13) by the STAFF and by the headmaster as well as by other kids. He was and is very bright and highly musical. He had to leap ahead by a year and immediately came top of that class as well. Things like that get you picked on.
Not all of that you have posted rings true in his case, nor in mine.
I was bullied because I craved the attention of the 'important' boys, and they saw that as a weakness. I bullied because I saw weakness in others. My son was not weak, but he was unable to cope in the environment in that school. But he changed school at 13 and reinvented himself. And that solved the problem.
However well we equipped him for the first school it was impossible to break through the support the headmaster gave to bullies. He had his favourites, always the highly successful soccer and cricket boys. Academic and musical success were things he did not value, and so, unless you were on one of his teams, he bullied you too.
We were very glad to be rid of him.
[Updated on: Wed, 03 February 2010 13:59]
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Macky
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Really getting into it |
Location: USA
Registered: November 2008
Messages: 973
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I read the bit from your blog about how you credited Patrick for stopping your bullying by putting some hurt on you.
Yet, when I read about your son's victimization, you said nothing about advising him to lay hurt upon his tormenters.
I think kids subjected to bullying often hear the 'stand up for yourself' line.
Do you agree with that?
Max
Behold, how good and how pleasant it is
For brothers to dwell together in unity!
Ps 133:1 NASB
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Macky
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Really getting into it |
Location: USA
Registered: November 2008
Messages: 973
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"I was lucky to go to a school where bullying was stopped as soon as it began."
Hi Anthony,
Great that you have taken notice of this issue and even support an organization fighting it.
How do folks who never experienced bullying come to a realization of how pernicious it really is?
Max
Behold, how good and how pleasant it is
For brothers to dwell together in unity!
Ps 133:1 NASB
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Acam is quoted as saying: "I don't know of a single footballer that's gay!" Hmm, so you can't remember this Gay Footballer? He is an example of homophobia & Bullying run amok:
Justin Fashanu was a British football player from 1978 and 1997. In 1981, Fashanu signed with the Nottingham Forrest, becoming the first black UK footballer to gross £1m.
Fashanu was the first professional footballer in England to publicly come out and still remains the only English player to do so.
Fashanu made the announcement in an October 22, 1990 exclusive with British tabloid, The Sun. The paper also ran details of alleged affairs Fashanu had with British officials, other footballers and pop stars. The coverage severely damaged Fashanu's career.
A July 1991 feature in Gay Times attempted to clear the allegations, but Fashanu's career had already eroded within the known homophobic FA.
An excerpt from the Gay Times story read: "He admits that he wasn't fully prepared for the backlash that followed and his career in football... has suffered 'heavy damage.' Although he's fully fit, no club has offered him a full-time contract since the story first appeared."
Allegations and Suicide:
In March of 1998, Fashanu was further blindsided when a 17-year-old American alleged that he was sexually assaulted by Fashanu after a night of drinking. Fashanu returned to England. He was never formally charged.
Just over a month later, on May 1998, Fashanu was found hanged in an abandoned east London garage. His suicide note read, "I realised that I had already been presumed guilty. I do not want to give any more embarrassment to my friends and family"..."I hope the Jesus I love welcomes me, I will at last find peace."
Late Justin Fashanu was the first openly gay UK footballer.
[Updated on: Wed, 03 February 2010 21:24] |
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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I know that it can work, but it is a high risk strategy.
We taught him how to put his weight behind a punch in order to make it effective and explained that he should use it if he felt he had to, but then to expect to be in trouble at school because he had damaged another kid. We explained that he may alsio get flattened by the other kid, but that no power on earth could stop the other kid from hurting if he landed a decent, weighted punch
He was bullied psychologically, not physically.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Macky
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Really getting into it |
Location: USA
Registered: November 2008
Messages: 973
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"I know that it can work, but it is a high risk strategy."
For what it's worth, this seemed very sensible to me, when taken in the entire context that you made clear to your son.
For my own part, I feel that I have always been blessed with extreme patience (others might disagree). I couldn't have hurt those who bullied...they hurt me but they did not anger me. It could be that I sensed that if my anger ever escaped it would never again have been under my control. Either I or they would have come to an unfortunate end. That's the real danger in 'sticking up for oneself'.
I'm happy that your son found a reasonable way.
Max
Behold, how good and how pleasant it is
For brothers to dwell together in unity!
Ps 133:1 NASB
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Hmm,...."For my own part, I feel that I have always been blessed with extreme patience (others might disagree)."
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Of course I remember Fashanu - he's dead! I still don't know of a single gay footballer - and that doesn't mean I know them in couples!
Why do you like to correct what I didn't say, Brody?
Anthony
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