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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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Max just posted that he is a wooden hugger. So many men lack hugging skills, possibly because we are schooled to show no emotion towards other men. We can all learn hugging skills.
There is nothing more wonderful than a good hug, freely given, freely accepted. Not a back-slapping Man Hug, but a real hug, a hug of friendship. So I wondered how I might advise Max and others with Dyshugia
A good hug is substantial and yielding at the same time. It's firmer than a snuggle, and is far from formal, and has no relationship with a wrestling match.
I'd love to hear other folk's views of hugging, man to man.
When I hug anyone I mean it. I put me into the hug. I open my arms, soften my stance, and embrace the other person. I enfold them in my arms and I grasp them with soft firmness. I do not aim to squeeze, nor to I aim to allow wriggle room, and I am certainly yielding even though I am the initiator. I grasp assertively and offer myself softly at the same time. And the only person in my world when I hug is the person I'm hugging.
They have my undivided attention. I need to convey emotion to them, to convey respect, friendship, safety, warmth, strength of mind but not huge physical strength. I need to know when they wish to break the hug and allow it to dissolve naturally at that precise point.
I am firm yet yielding. At the point I hug them whoever they are, because I have chosen to hug them I convey love to them.
I have to do this without any hint of eroticism, without frottage, without snuggling, and wordlessly. The hug is a mixture of emotional surrender and strength but never dominance nor submission. That is an interesting paradox.
I never back-slap. I am not embarrassed to hug or to show emotion. I accept the self conscious back slap from the hugged person if they must do that, but I never return it, not ever. A hug is too important to deface with the vandalism of back-slapping.
I hug men and women alike. With women one must also be aware that they may move to the cheek to cheek kiss, and I will allow that if she stiffens or recoils from the hug. After all, it is comfort I want to project, not dominance.
What do you reckon, Max, does that help a little?
Who would like to add to the skill description?
There is truly nothing that transfers emotion better than a real hug where each gives a little of themselves. And it's not always easy to achieve.
[Updated on: Sat, 13 March 2010 11:12]
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Macky
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Really getting into it |
Location: USA
Registered: November 2008
Messages: 973
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"What do you reckon, Max, does that help a little?"
It's a nice treatise on hugs, Timmy. I don't believe I've ever read another. And of course it helps to know where huggers are coming from and what they are trying to express.
I try to be a better hugger for people in my life that like hugging. Of course I hug my mom. I enjoy it because I think she does, and I want her to feel my love for her. I hug my wife, but am awkward there too. For instance I tend to rest my chin on her head, as I am quite a bit taller than she.
Again, if it were just my feelings, I'd skip it, but I know my wife needs hugs...so I do my best and try to improve when she points out things. More recently I've started to hug my son. It's a bit novel for him and usually elicits a smile, even though he has Asperger's and many folks with that do not enjoy hugs. So I practice hugs for the sake of others in my life that get something out of them.
As for me however, I do not enjoy hugs. I am not sure what I am communicating by them or what is being communicated to me. My mind races trying to figure out the definitive communication going on and I get confused and nervous about that. Also, my mind is gauging where the other person is placing their body and how I am feeling their hands on me and that I do not enjoy that. I am very aware of every place a hugger is touching me and it is not a comforting feeling. For the sake of social propriety I endure them, but I do not enjoy them at all. They make me feel physically uncomfortable, confused and very vulnerable.
I don't mean to sound like an unloving unlovable lump. I think I am very good at expressing affection in my own way. I just think that not everyone is a hugger. Hugging is a minor burden I endure so that I do not hurt others and so that I don't run amok of social propriety. I'm sure it's a wonderful thing for most people but for me it's just another little chore.
Max
Behold, how good and how pleasant it is
For brothers to dwell together in unity!
Ps 133:1 NASB
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ray2x
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Really getting into it |
Location: USA
Registered: April 2009
Messages: 430
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I've been hugging most of my life. There's much hugging in sports in which I participated. Hugging among teachers is also a good morale booster. And of course hugs go well with my daughter and wife. Even with my boyfriends, we would hug and hold and just enjoy the closeness of our bodies. Least of all, my students who are developmentally disabled tend to hug just about any time and anywhere. It's cause for some embarrassment and at times frustration. But saying that, hugging is not always the thing to do. I try to size up a person before offering any attempts at hugging. Hugging is better than a handshake but can also be intrusive for some people. Like most social forms of expressions, one needs practice and a liking to it.
Raymundo
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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I think, Max, the thing you might attempt is to disengage the intellectual part of your mind during the hug and engage the emotional only. Accept that a hugger wishes simply to pass a little "self" to you in a non sexual and non threatening way, and know that is comfortable even if it does not, yet feel like it.
When hugging those you wish to hug, when you are the initiator, do much the same. Try to relax into the hug. Soften your shoulders but not your stance except to seek to fit the geometry of the hugged person. And know emotionally that you are offering some of yourself in a non sexual way.
This is, in part, why I make a distinction between a hug and a snuggle. A snuggle can become sexual, but a hug is sexually non threatening.
I love the way you are giving hugs even though you are not a natural hugger.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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a teacher/student hug is so needed sometimes and so difficult in today's somewhat unpleasant society
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Macky
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Really getting into it |
Location: USA
Registered: November 2008
Messages: 973
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"I love the way you are giving hugs even though you are not a natural hugger."
If it makes someone's day a little brighter, there is pleasure for me in that.
And I think I am learning to appreciate hugs more, or perhaps be annoyed by them less, as I keep involved with it. I say that thinking of an occasional hug I receive from a 12 y/o disabled boy...for some reason that is almost pleasant. It could have something to do with his obvious innocense.
Max
Behold, how good and how pleasant it is
For brothers to dwell together in unity!
Ps 133:1 NASB
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There's a lot in that, Macky. I don't hug a lot although I do like a hug, but since the grandchildren have got old enough to say "I need a hug" it has become commoner with me and that is welcome indeed.
Love,
Anthony
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I lack the hugging skills timmy described. I'm so bad sometimes I don't know what to do.
I have a friend who I actually complimented for giving me such a great hug. He completely embraced me. It felt sincere, friendly, warm, welcoming, and everything that tim described on the intial post. Never felt anything similar coming from another guy.
Till this day I tell him how much I love hugging him <3.
You don't love someone because they are beautiful, they are beautiful because you love them.
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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Try it! We can all do this. Think of the hug you got and simply(!) offer yourself in the way he did to you.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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