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I know I have been lurking in the dark corner for months now, last post I made was probably just after my bf of a year and I started going out.
Life has gone on, we moved in together, go to class, try to be normal. But Ive started to realise that its not all smooth sailing, and isshues we manage to hide very well from our friends are starting to bother me. I guess I need advice.
One isshue thats been bothering me lately, because it irritates Jacques and makes him unhappy is that we don't have sex nearly as often as we did when we started to go out. Its down to only once every two weeks or so. I know this is perhaps more than some other people, but its far less than what I would consider normal for our relationship in the past.
There are many reasons, one ive slowly started to realise is perhaps the one that bothers me the most - I intellectually and emotionally want to be intimate, but my body just doesn't want to get horny. Weird - I'm even lauging at myself just reading it, but true. Perhaps its medically based? I'm afraid and kinda embarrased to go to a doctor and explain it. I can't get an errection for him, and I'm fairly shure that it is not that I'm unable - it still works fine when Im alone. Perhaps I'm not that atracted to him physically? I hope its not that, cos I really love him. Still, I can admit he isn't the greek god of emagination and a little overwheight. Its come to the point of making up excuses to avoid sex three times a day. I just dont know how to solve it.
Perhaps its because I just don't get pleasure from sex - it hurts too much to be bottom, and Im so sensitive that penetration is so intense it hurts and makes me go soft. Sigh? Depressing really, a 20 year old that prefers mastrabation above sex.
Its been bothering me, and I know it makes him unhappy and termanally horny. Its the reason Ive been avoiding accepting his proposal to marry and "subtle" suggestions that I should ask him. I'm just not comfortable with the idea - perhaps the sex isshue isn't the only one. I'm 21 years old, for god sake, I don't want to marry before im - scrap that, I don't want to marry at all, I can get the same legal and tax privalages from the fact that Ive been living together for a year. And to me thats all marriage is - a paper with a few legal priveleges. sp?. Even IF I marry, I want a stable job, house, car, income, drivers' licence, have finished my education, etc. How would I break that to him? Softly? Till then, I'm being vague and thats probably also hurting our relationship, the uncertainty. I'm just not a guy that likes to take these kinds of things head on, without fifty second oppinions, years of thought and chances to change my mind. Sigh. Perhaps I'm afraid of commitment? Other isshues are bothering me, but this text is getting too long, so perhaps I'll post it in another thread, another time.
Thanx for always helping me, guys.
You were all my first friends in the world, even though I haven't chatted with many of you in years.
A truth told with bad intent
Beats all the lies you can invent
-William Blake
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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Good sex does not require you to become erect. Good sex requires you to pleasure your boyfriend. Start from that and work onwards.
Do you love him?
If you do then I have other questions. I don't need to hear the answers. You need to hear the answers from yourself.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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I love him. I do, I have and I will. The problem is not that I can't have sex - its basically that I don't want to, and I dont know why I don't want to, when I think that I should want to express myself and my love in as many ways as i can - sex among them
A truth told with bad intent
Beats all the lies you can invent
-William Blake
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Hello D...we have not traded words before, but I have some thoughts on your issue.
I believe those who measure the worth of their relationship in sexual terms are doomed to fail. Life is so much more than time between the sheets.
It's understood that that when two people first meet that sex becomes part of the value judgement they make of one another, but what becomes the basis for continuing?
Sex with one partner or a hundred is much the same. It's best if you look beyond that orgasmic high and seek understanding with the one you love. Any one of the members here who are married will tell you that marriage is often a voyage on stormy seas. A year, two three or four into a relationship is not the same as the beginning, reality has set in.
Sharing your life with someone requires you to give up part of what you call your own and taking on part of what he offers. It's not always a 50-50 swap, depends upon what you want and he needs. I hear your comment about the painful results of his desires and I ask if that is true is he willing to forgo the activity. Does he expect you to endure the pain on his behalf?
The expectation that you will serve as the bottom man and endure for his sake is absurd...if you have told him this is why you don't encourage sexual union. A real sharing of hearts and minds would not require you to suffer, he needs to respond to your discomfort. Maybe there's a medical reason, maybe he's too damn big, these are issues you can take to a clinic.
But you must find reasons to be together in life beyond sex. I don't care if you take up gardening together, there must be life beyond sex. I'm sure you want to succeed with him, but the answers are his to give. He must not be allowed to think that sex is your purpose in his life.
You brought the issue to the forum, now I ask that you take the issue to him and seek a solution together. Find a counselor if needed. The decision is yours because only you can decide how important this relationship is to you. I wish you the best in life and love.
Age appears to be best in four things; old wood best to burn, old wine to drink, old friends to trust, and old authors to read. (Sir Francis Bacon 1561-1626)
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I can't begin to tell you how many posts I've responded to on this forum and then just never hit the 'send' button. I've never been in a long lasting relationship and so I'm obviously not the voice of experience. If the only experience you have in gardening is in a terrarium, you certainly don't send in advice to a gardening show. But I think I have a smattering of common sense and perhaps I can contribute a bit to what you posted.
It sounds as though he has certain expectations about sex with you that includes your being the bottom to his top. Yet you find this to be a painful experience that is a turn off. Have you discussed this with him or is this a conversation you have maybe avoided? Dialogue might be a solution here.
Oral sex, frottage or manual manipulation may be enough to achieve the desired result - this result being orgasm. There seems to be a loss of sexual attraction also. Well, you must fantasize about something when you masturbate. Is there a role your partner could provide that is similar to whatever your masturbation fantasies are?
Perhaps these are so obvious as to not be worth mentioning. But, hopefully, it may help to get some more dialogue started. I'd like to see you two young people find a solution here.
Youth crisis hot-line 866-488-7386, 24 hr (U.S.A.)
There are people who want to help you cope with being you.
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Macky
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Really getting into it |
Location: USA
Registered: November 2008
Messages: 973
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DeWald,
The last time you were on, months ago, I sensed that things in your relationship were not ideal.
Then and now, I feel that it is not working for you.
You say you love him, and I believe you. But the love between lifemates is physical, as well as, platonic.
I think that you are living with a dear friend. I do not think that you are living with your lifemate.
Stop being afraid of hurting him. Tell him how you feel. Describe your love for him and then move on.
Anyway, you are both very young and both of you need more experience before you settle down.
Be brave, loving, kind, and honest...be yourself.
Max
Behold, how good and how pleasant it is
For brothers to dwell together in unity!
Ps 133:1 NASB
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ray2x
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Really getting into it |
Location: USA
Registered: April 2009
Messages: 430
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DeWalt, make efforts for the best love you can give to him. The sex is not what makes a loving relationship. And heavens, the whole body screams of wonderful areas which needs to be explored. I found a great erogonous area on a boyfriend once and that probably extended our relationship. And you're still a young man, which means you have more than 50 or 60 years of good (maybe great) loving to experience. Also, there is no wrong in looking up frotting or 69 on the Internet. It's bland research but it might give you a fresh outlook on helping out your relationship.
Raymundo
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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WHat is it about sex with him that makes you not want to. Be analytical and precise. And note that you said earlier that you could not get erect for him, only for porn. There is a disconnect here.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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