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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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I'm working with someone at the moment who is part of a youth club. He's a bit of an outsider, and can lash out at times, not physically, but with words and 'attitude'. He doesn't really fit in there and he feels ignored and sometimes feels bullied. Again it isn't physical. I'm not sure yet why he's so spiky. Maybe it would help if I knew him face to face, maybe not. But he's spiky.
The thing is, it's got so bad that he's feeling like quitting the youth club. He doesn't want to. He kind of knows that he needs the company, but he's pretty poor at knowing how to join in. I think he's probably been an outsider all his life. No-one cares that he's gay, that isn't the issue. And other kids don't fit in that well at times either. But they aren't brash like he is, nor opinionated and spiky like he is.
I'm not sure what to suggest. I very much doubt his behaviour will change until he is comfortable enough to change it 'organically', but the behaviour alienates folk who don't see behind the mask. I'm not saying he'd dying to be accepted. He's got a fair bit to offer the club. He's a tough kid, but it's brittle toughness. He reminds me in so many ways of a kid I counselled many years ago who hated queers, though obviously this one's gay. That one made it to adulthood and heterosexual marriage. I've no real idea what this one's heading for.
If I could talk to the others in the club, what should I say to them? And what should I say to him? It may be too late. 'My' kid may just give up on it.
[Updated on: Tue, 13 July 2010 22:14]
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Dear Timmy,
I'd say that you need to explain to him that there are two reasons to belong to a youth club: to give to it or to take from it.
And then explain that the people who take most from it and who get the greatest results from being members are those that aim to give to it.
And then ask him what he has that he can give to it and help him to realise just what it is that someone who feels himself to be an outsider can give - namely help to everyone who also feels an outsider - and tell him that most of them do and convince him by calling his attention to the many ways that the other members behave that shows they want to be insiders.
And perhaps lead him to realise that the best thing that could happen would be for he, himself, to feel he is becoming an insider and learning how to help others to feel the same way.
Love,
Anthony
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If it's a formal / structured type group, rather than a drop-in as-and-when thing, there are a couple of exercises you could discuss with the group leader:
appreciation circle. Simple as it sounds: everyone sits down, everyone saying what they like and appreciate about each person in turn - strictly no negatives allowed! Write these down - two copies for each person. [Optional - each person then can put down (if they choose to) one thing that they want to change in themselves: best not shared with the group.] They each take away one copy, to remind themselves (and give them something to live up to) - they put the other in a stamped addressed envelope, which the group leader posts to them a month or six weeks later ... when they have probably forgotten about it, so it hits with renewed impact.
body language. Split group in two, one half leaves the room. Chairs are arranged in two lines facing each other, a natural distance apart. The half in the room is then told that when the other group returns, they must talk to the person sitting opposite them, but give short, closed answers to questions, don't ask any questions, avoid eye contact, be careful not to have the same body position, etc. When the "out" group returns and is asked to start conversations with the person sitting opposite, it doesn't take long for them to feel very uncomfortable! They go out again briefly, and the remaining group is then told to pay attention to what the person sitting opposite them is saying, with open answers inviting further discussion, with lots of eye contact, and to unobtrusively mimic the body position of the person sitting opposite them. The "out group then return, sitting opposite new partners, and start new conversations - which generally go very well! The "out" group then discusses their feelings, followed by the "in" group, and both groups talk through how expressing a visible interest in others helps thing "work" socially, and that it is a skill that can be practised.
If it's just the "spiky" kid on his own, it's difficult to know where to start - I sympathise, as my lad has many of the same characteristics! Actually, getting to know my cats, and understanding that animals are slow to forgive excessive brashness (even if it is a defensive reflex) has been the most help for him - but I suppose that providing feline companions is impractical!
I don't think talking on its own does much good - it really is a question of showing by example what kind of things produce what effects, then talking it through. Easier said than done, as I know only too well - and requiring considerable tact and patience.
best wishes - the frustrations can be great, but so are the rewards!
"The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral, begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy. ... Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night devoid of stars." Martin Luther King
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