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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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There are times when I hate being gay. The main time is all about sexual needs. Being heterosexually married doesn't help, but the thing is that women, however loving, do not have the same physical characteristics as a man. I don't mean the obvious different genitals, I mean firmness, strength, power.
That also has little to do with whether one is a top or a bottom, I think, though I am by no means certain. I think the power transfers between men whatever sexual role one takes at the time, and I believe that, where penetration is concerned, each part is as powerful as the other.
But none of this power is present in a male-female coupling, not even if the scenario is bdsm. All you get is a bit of friction with optional bondage and pain delivered in either direction. Women are still softer to the touch. Worse, they all seem to be slightly greasy to the touch from the potions that are alleged to keep them looking younger, and the next morning, when the paint and the wrinkle filler has peeled away, they look very different from the night when you took them to your bed.
And yet I'm not sure, not wholly sure, that men are truly any different from women. I think they are, but I'm not sure.
A friend asked me the other day, "Why don't you take a week's holiday in a pleasant place and hire a companion to fulfil your every need?"
While the idea of spending time with a companion is not unpleasant what I can't get my head around is paying for it. Add to that the fact that I need emotion to transfer far more than I need bodily fluids to transfer. A cold dalliance is fine for some, not for me. Not that I'm positig this inviting a hot dalliance either!
I just sometimes find being me rather difficult. And I find being gay quite hard.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Nope- Ain't gonna touch that one Tim, sorry.
Look, you're a dear friend & colleague, but there's a fundamental issue with this post and that's perspective~ You, by virtue of marriage and emotional ties/investment in that marriage will never truly be able- exactly in any measurable/appreciable way, what it means to be Gay.
That is NOT a critique old friend, its merely a fact.
COULD you safely go have a dalliance? Physically, yeah, no doubt-
Emotionally? No.
That's it blunt and to the point. ANY move on your part would run counter to the precepts of a solid relationship with your wife as well as violate the years of trust you've established together as a couple. Simply, I don't think that it's within your character to be disloyal and cheat on your partner.
The naked truth is that you would have to divorce yourself completely from that relationship, legally as well as emotionally, before proceeding into any same-sex relationship.
Being Gay is NOT about what's between your legs old man, it is entirely about the totality of your 'self' as a human being and the emotional AND physical investments in a relationship with a person of the same sex.
This is a point that has been clouded by the countless generations over the centuries of repression of self by religious and societal strictures-simply put, having to live the 'lie.'
My 21 year old son has the freedom of expression of awareness of self in total as a fully realised Gay man, that you, I and others before us only dreamed of. We have the nature of Gay, but not the essence unless we choose so. Now, I left the circumstances of heteronormal nearly 20 years ago and have been 'Gay' and fully realised and empowered. I have been fortunate in that regard and also that my ties to my former spouse have remained excellent, open, loving, and supportive, not just for the sake of the kids but us, as friends, and as former intimates.
Hence, you can either open yourself to being on the field or forever stuck in the "scrum central," wrestling with the conflicts of your essence and nature. I do not envy this and I truly understand that it can be very crippling Tim, very.
Okay, you know Harvey Milk always advocated that LGBTQ persons acknowledge themselves. But, there are simply times its not possible, and then, in situations where it can be possible, there are other complications such as those you face my friend.
While some may say its about the sex, I say they're wrong... that's an incomplete analysis and barely touches on the larger issue.
Here's a big hug Tim.
Happy New Year eh?
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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We all carry baggage, even your relatively free from baggage lad. You make the point well, but it is the sex that most hurts me.
I can reconcile myself to pretty much all of my baggage. But I am not reconciled to the fact that I do not have the one thing I need in addition to all that I have.
Let me try to explain.
I may be 58 and fat, but that is outside. In my head I am a slim, fit, attractive, blond, queer teenage boy. And all my fantasies involve being made love to, making love to, sometimes being dominated by, sometimes dominating one other such boy, sometimes more than one. And, though there is often more than one, with one of those at least there will be emotional transfer. It is hot, sweaty, noisy, almost compulsory sex. It is sex such as I have never allowed myself to have, but sex that I dream about. And, however well I describe it, however close my fantasy is to his, or his, or yours, or theirs, it is a unique fantasy.
It can never happen. I am not the boy I honestly believe I am. And, even if I were, I do not know the boys I want to do this with.
But I want to.
Just not enough to buy it.
[Updated on: Mon, 03 January 2011 14:57]
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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To Be Or Not To Be..? that is the question, what on Earth the answer is I often think is beyond us all...
I have to agree with timmy. However I would also have to use a different word. I wouldn't say that being Gay is HARD, I'd rather say that it is CHALENGING. Life is challenging no matter who you are or what you chose to do. For some the rules change and the path is longer.
The whole 'sex' thing is beyond me too, timmy. I'm really not quite sure why..? I'm 25 years young, I'm a little rounder than most physically, 6'4" tall with black hair and Hazel eyes. By no stretch of the imagination undesirable (or at least so I've been told). In fact if I were straight I would be a male whore. Near all of my straight female friends have said that they would jump into bed with me in less than a heartbeat... So why is it that I've not had sex with another man for almost Nine years now..?
I've got the answer to this question too, because much like timmy, my hear is still dedicated in whole to a man-child I can never have.
In this way Brody is also very much right :
"" The naked truth is that you would have to divorce yourself completely from that relationship, legally as well as emotionally, before proceeding into any same-sex relationship. ""
Life is what you make of it as well as who you make it with.
"" It can never happen. I am not the boy I honestly believe I am. And, even if I were, I do not know the boys I want to do this with.
But I want to.
Just not enough to buy it. "" - Me Neither... :'-(
If Money can't buy you Happiness, then you are shopping in the wrong places 
"And so the lion fell in love with the Lamb"
"What a stupid Lamb"
"What a sick, masochistic lion"
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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I have been known to have sex, and not ever with the boy I once adored, nor with any other boy. Equally it is not the memory of him that stops me from having sex with another man. Nor is it the fact that other men are not the teenage boys I believe I am until I look in the mirror.
I am, by nature, quite slutty. Given the right circumstances I would have sex with a passing sofa if it were attractively upholstered! But I married, and I owe my wife a duty. A huge part of that duty is not to expose myself to sexually transmitted diseases. I can cope, probably, with infecting myself, but not infecting her. And I fear hepatitis more than I fear HIV, though each is life threatening. We ignore the 'lesser' diseases in our fear of HIV.
Of course I would use a condom. Of course my putative partner would use a condom. And oral sex and mutual masturbation, even dildo play does not involve transfer of bodily fluids, so there is limited health risk there. And yes, you even need to use a condom on a shared dildo, or a shared masturbation toy. I wonder how many of you knew that?
But none of those things are what I want. I lost 95% of my penile sexual sensations with deeply unpleasant surgery some years back. Ordinary masturbation required a belt sander (not literally). I can, sometimes, reach orgasm by simple penis masturbation, but reliable orgasms only happen with anal stimulation as well. And even then the quality is poor and it only works most of the time, not every time.
But I know, I just know, no real idea how I know, that lying on my back with my ankles clamped to the pillow in the hands of a beautiful man as he pounds into me with no thought at all for anything except his needs, I know that is something that will satisfy me.
I also know that it is not something that exists in my life, nor in my plan for it.
I've been looking for something to represent it. The site it's from is not always reliably up.
[Updated on: Mon, 03 January 2011 18:36]
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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I need to answer this without a hint of rancour. I understand all that you say. I want to look at what 'being gay' is in this context.
In 1996 or so, when I first came online, I joined a forum as one of maybe five members. One was a boylover, one was what one might term a classic yet closeted gay twenty something, one was a gay and frightened teenager, one was Danish, gay and aggressive. I was a frightened forty something. I was finding my sea legs, so to speak.
I'd never seen an adult erect penis before, never seen gay porn at all, and I was like a diabetic in a sweet shop. Gradually I told these people I was attracted to teenage boys and was married to a woman.
The Dane became abusive. In his view no-one could even have sex with a woman once and be gay.
I explained some facts of life to the Dane. As I was doing so another gay married man joined that forum, or spoke for the first time there. I was not only gay and married, I was not alone.
I started writing stories around then. The first chapter of Chris and Nigel was the very first story I wrote that I thought worth showing to anyone. I attracted a following of readers of teenage erotica. One, an out gay man of around my own age, told me very clearly that being married was unimportant, but being attracted to teenage lads meant I was not gay.
We differ over that to this day.
Quite often people tell me I am bisexual.
I thank them politely and explain how I find the sight of female genitalia to be a turn off and male genitalia to be a turn on. I explain about love being different from sexual attraction and needs. Some understand others fail to. Equally I know for a fact that habitual sex with a female makes the female attractive. When that habit is broken the female's attraction, present to other males, wanes. The habit is almost impossible to restart.
One such person I had to convince was a well known and much respected sex therapist. We wasted an entire session (the hour is almost up, same time next week?) by my trying to explain to him that women do nothing for me, one woman kind of does, but that female body parts are either weird (breasts) or look like unfinished entrails (vulva), and that women feel wrong in an embrace, apart from tasting of fish.
I often test myself with pictures of naked women. I find some of their bodies to be often aesthetically pleasing, but gynaecological closeups to be off putting. When looking at a penis entering a vagina I look at the penis and think it a waste, and also a poor geometric fit. I find their faces to be repellent when giving oral sex - they look wholly disgusted by the act - and the entire act is not at all arousing.
My son, by contrast, finds such images to be arousing. We've discussed it. He finds a close up shot of female pudenda to be highly erotic.
So I will say most strongly, and without rancour or malice, that I am as gay as any other gay man or boy. I am my own gay man. And I miss the things I can not have.
Come to that I miss the things I used to have, like spontaneous erections, sex with anyone other than myself, that sort of thing.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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ray2x
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Really getting into it |
Location: USA
Registered: April 2009
Messages: 430
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It was the birth of my daughter that brought me to the realization that I am a gay married man. Funny but the event had me question who I was and literally I began to remember the very early times of having feelings for males. About 4 years ago, I found this site and you, and lurked for a while trying to get my sea legs too. Two years ago, like a slap in the face, I read some of the stories and with the realization of being gay, claimed to myself that I am gay, married man. I have struggled with the gay feelings wanting to be with my boyfriend of youth. But like you and Brody have said, there's a lot of attachment to my wife just to let it end. I choose not to let it end too. Maybe for several sakes, but I do have my memories and pictures of a few past boyfriends and quickies. I sort of have a standing invitation from my former boyfriend of youth to get back together if ever circumstances warrent. I am awfully busy seeing my daughter grow up and struggle with kindergarten. So, we'll see how this ends up in twenty or thirty years.
Raymundo
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DesDownunder
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Likes it here |
Location: Adelaide, South Australia
Registered: September 2010
Messages: 127
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Not to be unsympathetic, Timmy, with what you so eloquently but heartbreakingly share with us, but at least you know you are gay; you understand the attraction that is in your deepest centre.
Think for a moment, about those times when children were raised to never be aware of their feelings, to have their lives premeditated for them in a world of denial, a world in which the few who did realise their sexuality could find themselves (if they acted on those feelings,) executed or imprisoned. Their lives were hell without a clue as to why.
The youngsters today are moving towards abandoning labels like homosexual or heterosexual, whilst others are embracing who they are, defiantly, rebelliously, yet without judgement, and wonderfully, lovingly.
At 66 I find myself in a strange place of realising that I accepted my homosexuality by the time I was 16. I was promiscuous, I was searching for a lover to live with by the time I was 18, and yet it was against the law, I was a criminal. I identified as a homosexual because I was told that was who I was because of whom I wanted to share my sexual experiences.
My culture told me I had to think of myself as being gay (and evil, which I rejected.) My realisation now is that like you, it is too late for me to fully act on my ability to make love to either sex. I was told, and I told myself, I was gay, and I am. Without any regret, even though in some strange way I feel cheated of a family of my own making. (I in no way mean to blame my wonderful partner in this, after all, he and I have tried very hard to get pregnant. ;-D )
What I am saying is that our cultures want us to be one thing or another. For many reasons, religion included, fear of the unknown, and even ignorance, our attitude to our sexuality is imposed upon us, sometimes by ourselves, and nearly always reinforced, sometimes inadvertently, by our culture, for better or worse.
There is a taboo on the freedom to love in most societies. It is seen as a weakness that inhibits the culture economically, (you cannot love what you have to pay for, is true in possessions as it is in sex,) and there is a whole school of thought which promotes hatred and self hatred as the guiding principle of life, of work, and thus denies us the ability to fulfil our natural desire to be loving. We are trained to have, rather than to be; to judge our worth, and be judged, by what we have, rather than whom we are.
If you think I have wandered off subject, consider this for a moment. If we had been born into a society which did not have laws against sexual expression, save only for the protection of children, I could have been a father with a female companion and a lover of a male companion. But we were told we could have one or the other, and that only one was right and wholesome.
So we find ourselves neatly packaged in a box marked as to what we are, gay, straight, or whatever, when in fact we are really sentient beings in search of expressing love. Ignorant of this truth, we have created cultures based on greed.
Times are changing, cultures are changing, and we are aware of so much more about ourselves than our indoctrinated, inhibited ancestors ever were. They were denied their own self awareness, their cosmic consciousness, if you like.
Young people are seeing the freedom to be, to love, as not needing the labels which we adopted or had imposed on us.
Those freedoms need every bit of help we can give them, in the young and ourselves. Realising that the life we have lived is not what we might have freely wanted is a part of life, but it doesn't mean we need abandon either our past or the fulfilment of our dreams even if they remain forever, only in our minds.
Such has been your dream, your desire, Timmy, in your promoting the 'It Get's Better' videos, and this site. And that promotion is an act of love as much as it is a stand against the bullying.
Finally, we can say even at this late time of our lives, we are living, and loving, just not always in the way we expected.
Hugs.
[Updated on: Sun, 09 January 2011 07:26]
DesDownunder
Call me naive if you want, but life without trust in the goodness of others would be intolerable.
Religious indoctrination: It gets better, without it.
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Re: Being gay is not as easy as just being gay 
