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Tillers
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Getting started |
Registered: October 2024
Messages: 7
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Hi all, can I run this past the members on here? It's a blurb for one of my novels, The Mouse Hunter. Does it draw you in, or not? Any feedback you can offer I would be most grateful for. Thank you.
He's always there, in my thoughts, in my nightmares.
Steven couldn't take anymore, what thirteen-year-old could? His secret hidden from everyone was too heavy to bear, too horrifying to share.
Growing up in a catholic family wasn't easy and attending a Roman Catholic school where God is central is hell. Through this, there is hope, of living with his sister in the idyllic English countryside, a place to escape home life, bullying, and above all, the fear of being taken and forced to relive the horrors of his past.
[Updated on: Sat, 28 December 2024 01:15] |
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Kitzyma
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Likes it here |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 235
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Okay, I hope this doesn't comes across as negative, because I mean it to be genuinely helpful.
"He's always there, in my thoughts, in my nightmares." - that's a good start! It grabs the attention and makes me curious.
"Growing up in a catholic family wasn't easy and attending a Roman Catholic school where God is central is hell." - that's good because it concisely gives the context.
The rest comes across to me as very darkly dramatic.
Many (most?) people want to read stories that make them feel good at the end, even if the journey to that ending is dark.
For me, this blurb is too dark, with only a tiny glimmer of possibe hope.
"too heavy to bear, too horrifying to share... escape home life, bullying, and above all, the fear of being taken and forced to relive the horrors of his past."
Personally, the blurb taken as a whole gives me the impression that it's mostly horrible and depressing, and so it doesn't seem the sort of story/novel that I'd want to read.
Based on your earlier post, it seems as if the story is about (or at least based on) your personal experiences, and if so, I'm very sorry that life for you was so bad. I can maybe empathise a little, as I attended an all-boy Catholic school, where we were told that even masturbation was a sin, and homosexuality was absolutely unspeakably evil.
My impression, which of course may be wrong, is that you're writing to try to exorcise personal demons and to try to process your experiences. As an author, that is something I ,too, often do. However, if you want people to read your stories, there has to be some light in the darkness, even if that light didn't exist in your real experience.
As a writer, I have to ask myself this: is this an autobiography with as much truth as I can include, or is it a work of fiction based on my real experiences? When I wrote a novel based very closely on my real life and with only a little fiction, it was very unpopular because most people want to enjoy a story, but they do not want to share too much of my pain.
If you decide on the truthful autobiography to try to soothe your own soul, then that's a reasonable and laudable goal. But don't be surprised if few will want to read all about the horror and the darkness.
Back to your blurb...
The only tiny hope you offer in the blurb seems to involve a brief mention of the sister.
Is there nothing in the story that is positive? A good friendship? A kind adult? Some good fortune?
If so, then I'd advise mentioning those good things in the blurb in order to at least partially balance out the overall horrible things that you do refer to.
If no good things existed in your real life, then maybe you could invent some to make reading the story more palatable.
Again, please don't take my comments as being too negative, and please accept them as my attempt to be helpful.
In any case, others will probably disagree with my opinion, so don't just take my word for it!
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Nico Grey
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Getting started |
Location: Vermont
Registered: January 2024
Messages: 5
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If I saw this blurb on the back of a book at my local bookseller or lending library, I'd want to open the cover to find out more.
Your words create dramatic tension that engages me. I'm intrigued enough to want to find out more about the protagonist, his problem, and whether or not he can successfully resolve it.
I like that you also provide enough basic information about the main character, the setting, and a rough outline of the crisis, to allow me to decide whether I might relate to the story and care about the character and his difficulties. At this point I can decide that I don't, and put the book back down, or that I do care and want to start reading and find out more.
Assuming that this blurb is a pretty accurate presentation of the conflict within the story, for me it promises to be an engaging read if I find on closer examination that I do care about the central character.
I might offer a minor quibble or two about word choice and phrasing, but I was still captured by the words: "He's always there, in my thoughts, in my nightmares" and "His secret hidden from everyone was too heavy to bear, too horrifying to share". That last sentence, in particular, is filled with dissonance that portends some real dramatic conflict.
Having said that, if I were writing the blurb I might choose to word the opening: "He's always there, in my thoughts and in my nightmares.
"Steven couldn't take any more. What thirteen-year-old could? The secret he was hiding from everyone was too heavy to bear, but it was too horrifying to share."
But that's just my personal preference, using my style of writing to emphasize the expository elements that I find most important.
All-in-all, I'd say this blurb should be rather successful.
[Updated on: Sat, 28 December 2024 03:16] |
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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It draws me in, which is what it's meant to do. The other item you need, and where I fail with mybook.to/QueerMe, is a cover picture. On mine I selected from the best of a poor selection of free Amazon pictures because I was incapable of setting up a picture of my choice.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Tillers
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Getting started |
Registered: October 2024
Messages: 7
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Thank you very much for taking the time to respond, and it certainly does not come across as negative, but very constructive. As writers, we need each other to be totally honest if we are to improve and move forward.Your impression is correct. I wrote it to exorcise personal demons, and although I found it at times difficult to write, it was also therapeutic. I had no plans to publish this, so once completed, it went under the bed to collect dust--but it inspired me to write my second novel.
You mention - However, if you want people to read your stories, there has to be some light in the darkness, even if that light didn't exist in your real experience.There has to be some light in the darkness - I guess it is just someone's perception on how they may see particular books. Some people I'm sure see my work as gloomy, with the protagonist not having much hope, no triumph over adversity. But when I write, I don't see it as gloom and doom, I see struggles, challenges, I see what many suffer, and happy endings are not always real life. For me, a story has to stir something inside, leave an impact, and leave me thinking about it once I have finished it and put it down. Here are a few examples.
Kes, A Kestrel for a Knave by Barry Hines for example, it's a tragic story with little or no hope for its protagonist. This novel is often used in Key Stage 4 assessment in the United Kingdom, as part of GCSE English courses, being first introduced to the UK syllabus in the 1970s. In 2009, The Observer listed it as one of the "1000 novels everyone must read", describing it as a "compelling and haunting portrait of British working-class youth". It was also made into a film, winning Karlovy Vary International Film Festival Crystal Globe, Writers' Guild of Great Britain Award Best British Screenplay, and the British Academy Film Awards.
A Child Called It, by Dave Pelzer, again, there's little or no light throughout. There are many more I could mention.
Iluzija, also known as Mirage, a 2004 film in war-torn Macedonia, where the 13 yr old protagonist has little hope with tragic outcomes. It won Best Feature Film during the 2005 Anchorage International Film Festival and was nominated for the Tokyo Grand Prix during the 2004 Tokyo International Film Festival.Beasts of No Nation is a 2005 novel author Uzodinma Iweala, The book won the 2005 Art Seidenbaum Award for First Fiction and the Barnes & Noble Discover Great New Writers Award.In 2015, it was made into a film, with 31 awards, and 59 nominations. Again, the protagonist has little to no hope. There is a target audience for these types of stories and I do appreciate they are not for everyone. You mention - Is there nothing in the story that is positive? A good friendship? A kind adult? Some good fortune?Yes, there is one school friend with whom I discovered and shared the wonderful world of intimacy--a boy whose views on life were refreshingly outside the box. There was also an art teacher who could see me, as I felt invisible. I will take another look at the blurb, and perhaps add something to show a little more hope.
Your comments have been more than helpful, and again, thank you. I was thinking of starting a thread on here covering some of the subjects we have discussed. Should there be light in the darkness? What do you think?
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nys
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Getting started |
Registered: February 2020
Messages: 4
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It draws me in but I found the shift from first to third person very disorienting.
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Tillers
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Getting started |
Registered: October 2024
Messages: 7
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Thank you for taking the time to read the blurb, I really appreciate it. I'll take another look at this and consider your suggestions. To be honest, I find writing a blurb quite difficult. I'd rather have the challenge of writing a complete novel. A book can be brilliant, but if the blurb and the cover doesn't deliver, then it can be easily passed by. The thought of sending a query and a synopsis to an agent is such a challenge. It's something I do not enjoy.
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Tillers
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Getting started |
Registered: October 2024
Messages: 7
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Thank you Timmy for your reply. It's very much appreciated.
Yes, getting the cover right is crucial. People look at the cover first, then the blurb, then make a decision from these. I created my own cover for Running Through Still Waters using Photoshop and several public-domain pictures. I think the mistake I made was using a picture of the antagonist, as the image shows a handsome man. There is nothing handsome about this character, inside or out. But at the time, I thought it would be more appealing.
I may re-design the cover, as with AI image creators, it will be a lot easier to do so now. Also, I'm not happy with the blurb for Running Through Still Waters, as I don't think it captures Sam's story.
I may ask for a little help on this in the future.
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Tillers
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Getting started |
Registered: October 2024
Messages: 7
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Thank you for picking up on this. I'll re-visit and rework it. I really appreciate your feedback.
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Kitzyma
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Likes it here |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 235
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"Tillers wrote on Sat, 28 December 2024 21:25"You mention - However, if you want people to read your stories, there has to be some light in the darkness, even if that light didn't exist in your real experience.There has to be some light in the darkness - I guess it is just someone's perception on how they may see particular books. Some people I'm sure see my work as gloomy, with the protagonist not having much hope, no triumph over adversity. .....
Should there be light in the darkness? What do you think?
--
I'm glad that you didn't think that I was being negative.
You're correct that there are many good stories, and even great literature, that don't have happy endings, and you give good examples. Personally, I found 'Kes' depressing and would never want to watch the movie again. I'm sure that it's a matter of personal taste and it will depend on why people read stories.
In my own case, I read stories for fun and for an escape from real life, with all its wars, famines, pandemics, cost of living crises, news about children being abused and murdered, etc.
I don't read to 'improve' myself or even to gain insight into real life, unless gaining that insight is also enjoyable. At the end of a story, I like to feel happy and hopeful. But others might rather feel they are a better person for reading a story.
As regards discussions about 'happy' or 'unhappy' endings, I'm sure there must have been a few on this site. The latest one I know about is HERE
I know what you mean about how writing a 'blurb' can be more difficult than writing the story! 
We know our own stories so well that it's hard to distil itheir essence into a 'blurb' that that will attract readers. One idea, which may be stupid because I've never actually tried it myself, is to ask the person who was your editor to write the 'blurb'.
Good luck with your novel!
Kit
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Nico Grey
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Getting started |
Location: Vermont
Registered: January 2024
Messages: 5
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"Tillers wrote on Sat, 28 December 2024 16:25"Tillers wrote on Sat, 28 December 2024 16:25
Quote:Iluzija, also known as Mirage, a 2004 film in war-torn Macedonia, where the 13 yr old protagonist has little hope with tragic outcomes. It won Best Feature Film during the 2005 Anchorage International Film Festival and was nominated for the Tokyo Grand Prix during the 2004 Tokyo International Film Festival.
This was a remarkable film, illustrating that in some situations hope can be more agonizing than the absence of hope.
As Kit observes, people don't always want the same thing when they read a story. I enjoy stories that are well-written and offer thought-provoking insights into the human experience, even if they aren't always uplifting. One of my favorite authors was Thomas Tryon, although his themes were usually quite dark.
Different strokes for different folks, as they say. Hopefully there will always be a few good authors around whose style speaks to me, just as one hopes there will always be authors whose style speaks to every avid reader.
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