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You are here: Home > Forum > A Place of Safety > General Talk > Needed to talk about this. Advice, please?
Re: Needed to talk about this. Advice, please?  [message #76062 is a reply to message #76061] Sat, 19 October 2019 20:07 Go to previous messageGo to next message
timmy   United Kingdom

Has no life at all
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13458



I know those thoughts. And the ones that say "He'll never have experienced the depth of love I can give him. He's missing out on all this that I can give." They're part of the prison we construct for ourselves for our perfect, ideal, idolised, wonderful... Ah. that person never existed except in our minds.

Your friend is his own man. He is where he is in life, and in yours, by the decisions he's made. You are your own man. The same is true for you.

Now, while sharing a friendship as deep as ever, you each know the other better.

The only thing he's coming 'round' for is a beer, or a coffee, perhaps some cake or a steak, coupled with your company in friendship.

Those sad songs... Lionel Ritchie singing 'Hello', almost any song by Meatloaf, especially 'A Kiss is a Terrible Thing to Waste'...

How do you stop this?

My answer is to do exactly what you are doing. This place is here for you. It's always been the primary purpose, to allow those in pain to start to heal the pain.

Talk it out. Talk it out again. Said it before? Ok, say it again.

[Updated on: Sat, 19 October 2019 20:31]




Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
Re: Needed to talk about this. Advice, please?  [message #76063 is a reply to message #76061] Sat, 19 October 2019 20:20 Go to previous messageGo to next message
cm is currently offline  cm   United Kingdom

Toe is in the water
Location: Somerset
Registered: May 2017
Messages: 54



I think you already know the answer to this question. You say that it's a fantasy to expect anything to change.

But it's fine to feel the pain and frustration that you do. It is part of the process of coming to terms with it.

You are strong - whatever you may sometimes think.

Would your life be better if you had never met him? Would your life be better if he'd said he loved someone else?

You kmow deep down inside that he won't change because he can't. It's just the way he's made. But you already have the best and most intense relationship of which he is capable. You are the gold in his life.(and he is at least the silver in yours)

The idea of finding someone else to fill the hole you hoped he would fill probably feels scary. That's normal. And you may not be ready yet to do it. That's fine too. Finding someone to fill that hole will not be disloyal to your friend, nor will it be letting him down. I suspect that he would be happy for you. And he will still fill the 'best friend' slot in your life that he always has if and when you do so. The two are not mutually exclusive; indeed, in most people's lives (including mine) they are magically complementary.

But he can never fill that slot. And you know it.

There is no rush.

The way you feel now is normal. Don't worry about it. Things are still raw.Give it time. Try to enjoy the wonderful relationship you still have.

Easy to say and hard to do? Of course. But everything you've written makes me believe you have the inner strength to do so.

...and if it helps (which it probably doesn't) I'm behind you every step of the way.
Re: Needed to talk about this. Advice, please?  [message #76065 is a reply to message #76063] Sun, 20 October 2019 15:07 Go to previous messageGo to next message
pandareader is currently offline  pandareader   Brazil

Toe is in the water

Registered: October 2019
Messages: 51



Quote:
Would your life be better if you had never met him? Would your life be better if he'd said he loved someone else?

You kmow deep down inside that he won't change because he can't. It's just the way he's made. But you already have the best and most intense relationship of which he is capable. You are the gold in his life.(and he is at least the silver in yours)


I think my life would be much poorer if I had never met him. In a way, silly as it sounds, I´m glad there´s no-one, that I somehow didn´t "lose" to anyone (stupid, I know. But it´s how it feels). This being "the gold in his life" feels good to think about, but it´s something that is inferred and was not explicitly said. I think you´re right though, and I won´t ever ask for confirmation. If it´s true it´ll serve to no purpose than confirm something I think I know; if it´s not it´ll just be another disappointment and might hurt him just that I´m asking him to "rank" the friendship. I´m rambling but what I mean is that what you said made me kinda think about how much I treasure this friendship in a good way.

Quote:
The idea of finding someone else to fill the hole you hoped he would fill probably feels scary. That's normal. And you may not be ready yet to do it. That's fine too. Finding someone to fill that hole will not be disloyal to your friend, nor will it be letting him down. I suspect that he would be happy for you. And he will still fill the 'best friend' slot in your life that he always has if and when you do so. The two are not mutually exclusive; indeed, in most people's lives (including mine) they are magically complementary.

But he can never fill that slot. And you know it.


Yeah, my brain knows that. But I don´t feel that way just yet, it feels like there´s never going to be anyone else, ever. Even thinking about it feels weird and a bit disloyal (not to him, but to my feelings).

Quote:

Easy to say and hard to do? Of course. But everything you've written makes me believe you have the inner strength to do so.

...and if it helps (which it probably doesn't) I'm behind you every step of the way.


Thank you for the faith in my strength (that makes one of us that think so right now). And it does help, and I appreciate you taking time of your day to write a thoughtful answer to a stranger on the internet.
Re: Needed to talk about this. Advice, please?  [message #76066 is a reply to message #76062] Sun, 20 October 2019 15:26 Go to previous messageGo to next message
pandareader is currently offline  pandareader   Brazil

Toe is in the water

Registered: October 2019
Messages: 51



Quote:
I know those thoughts. And the ones that say "He'll never have experienced the depth of love I can give him. He's missing out on all this that I can give." They're part of the prison we construct for ourselves for our perfect, ideal, idolised, wonderful... Ah. that person never existed except in our minds.


I think that describes perfectly all those little intrusive thoughts that creep up from time to time. Makes me a bit angry at myself to allow myself to think that when I should know better (actually when I do know better). Tearing down these "prison walls" built over decades, really, feels terrifying. I´m not sure if I can completely free myself from these doubts. 

Quote:
How do you stop this?

My answer is to do exactly what you are doing. This place is here for you. It's always been the primary purpose, to allow those in pain to start to heal the pain.

Talk it out. Talk it out again. Said it before? Ok, say it again.


I said numerous times before but thank you, Timmy. I´m grateful this place exists and that you allow me to have an outlet for my overheating brain/heart.
I have important people in my life I feel I can confide in but I´d not be comfortable talking about this. The one person I would ever talk about this is the one I can´t keep talking to about it. Having people here to have these kind of candid conversations about it has helped me process things better. Thank you again.  

Re: Needed to talk about this. Advice, please?  [message #76067 is a reply to message #76066] Sun, 20 October 2019 16:17 Go to previous messageGo to next message
timmy   United Kingdom

Has no life at all
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13458



"pandareader wrote on Sun, 20 October 2019 16:26"
I think that describes perfectly all those little intrusive thoughts that creep up from time to time. Makes me a bit angry at myself to allow myself to think that when I should know better (actually when I do know better). Tearing down these "prison walls" built over decades, really, feels terrifying. I´m not sure if I can completely free myself from these doubts. 

--
Really, it's a process. Throwing the "Gosh, with one bound I'm free!" swicth fails on all possible levels, not least that you trip over the low pile of brick rubble on the way out, and then bang your head on a stray brick.

What you are doing is demolishing the prison a brick at a time.

Here's the thing, though. If you ever feel you need the prison again you can rebuild it better than ever. And that weird thought means you never need to, though sometimes we put a brick back by accident.

The doubts... never quite go away. Until they do. I can look at photos of 'mine' now and think "Really?"



Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
Re: Needed to talk about this. Advice, please?  [message #76083 is a reply to message #76067] Wed, 23 October 2019 13:44 Go to previous messageGo to next message
timmy   United Kingdom

Has no life at all
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13458



I came across this article on asexuality



Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
Re: Needed to talk about this. Advice, please?  [message #76091 is a reply to message #76067] Thu, 24 October 2019 14:05 Go to previous messageGo to next message
pandareader is currently offline  pandareader   Brazil

Toe is in the water

Registered: October 2019
Messages: 51



This process of tearing down walls is going slowly, I'm finding new bricks that I wasn't aware of. Those little intrusive fantasies still sneak up on me and I'm dealing with them. Our friendship is resuming to be the way it was and that's good. Saw him at that family celebration and it felt normal (in a good way). We're hanging out again with other friends this weekend.
However, my new "brick" is some new feelings of insecurity that I wasn't having before. 
He seems to be talking less on the phone with me than he used to but conversations feel the same when we talk. I haven't said anything but I start fretting if he doesn't text/call for "long". Like yesterday he spent the whole day without texting or calling (which is kind of unusual). It should be no big deal but during the course of the day I started thinking that something had happened and he was getting uncomfortable or trying to distance himself but not tell me... I told myself that was silly and even if true I'd have to deal if he needs more space. 
Well, he ended up calling in the evening and we talked about nothing important as our usual conversations. What surprised me was the feeling of relief I had when I got his call. I hadn't noticed how anxious I was feeling until he called and suddenly those feelings of anxiety disappeared. It bothers me that I have no objective reason for feeling this way. And it bothers me that it does not come from those little thoughts of romantic desire, it's more like "oh, what if he doesn't want to talk to me anymore?". I guess I stubbed my toe on a brick that I didn't know it was there. I want to get rid of it though...

I read the article and learnt some new things I wasn't aware of. I had a vague idea but was never compelled to find out more about it. So thanks for the article.
Re: Needed to talk about this. Advice, please?  [message #76095 is a reply to message #76091] Thu, 24 October 2019 15:25 Go to previous messageGo to next message
timmy   United Kingdom

Has no life at all
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13458



What you have just written sounds a little as if you are worried that you are being neglected?

Now I know it's not like this, but it reminds me of "He never came to my party, but I didn't actually invite him" I am going to bet there have been periods in the past when he was just too occupied to call you. Today, though, it feels more important, more urgent.

Do you call and text him as much as you used to? If not, why not?

Some old bricks do conceal others that are there to trip us up. It's like demolishing a house and finding something odd in a bricked up room. No, not a body!  An old doll, or a sock!!

Just keep chipping away and the walls will all come down neatly. And the best thing is that, if you really want to, you can rebuild the prison at any time! Knowing that means you never will

[Updated on: Thu, 24 October 2019 15:49]




Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
Re: Needed to talk about this. Advice, please?  [message #76096 is a reply to message #75994] Thu, 24 October 2019 19:53 Go to previous messageGo to next message
arich is currently offline  arich   United States

Really getting into it
Location: Seaofstars
Registered: August 2003
Messages: 563



I am so widdershins that I am loathe to make any comment but thought I'd do a little stream of consciousness thing.

For one thing, I'm glad to see that gay men feel they can risk any kind of open romantic feelings for another guy. Light years from where I'm coming from.

LOL for me it was more like damn the torpedos. I was already having sex at just turned 12 in 1966 but hey I was fully functional by 11. Back then it was really, catch as catch can, 😉 I was a pretty good boy fisher.

There were repercussions!

It's not that I didn't or don't feel romantic, at thirteen it was, Charles, he hated it when I called him, Charlie.. sighs, there have been many over 65 years. Hehe and still fully functional.

Thing is I've always felt romantic relationships, the ones most gay men envision, are based on a hetero perspective. Maybe we've let ourselves get screwed by nurture.

I've found, I think, that we all have a profound capacity for love. And it is there, I think, we need to start, unconditionally, from there, explore all the possibilities. Leave the fears of past ages to die the death of neglect it so richly deserves.

Honestly, from where I'm sitting at the moment, you seem to have weathered this storm handily. Look at it as a golden age of possibilities, romantic or other wise... Let the stream flow where it may. We go where we find enrichment emotionally and physically... LOL that's a balancing act in it's self... Do I love him or is it that I want him. You can only find the truth to that within your self. Just try never to be selfish... that's another hard one.

I'd be way happy just to have someone I could snuggle with, naked, once in a while (say on a every other day bases) would be nice, and, if It could actually be with someone I found commonality with, along with good sex, so much the better.

Peace and Love as always
Re: Needed to talk about this. Advice, please?  [message #76105 is a reply to message #75994] Sun, 27 October 2019 02:11 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Mark Driver is currently offline  Mark Driver   Canada

Getting started
Location: California
Registered: March 2017
Messages: 21



Perhaps you two will be able to look back on this and smile about it.  I hope you can.  He sounds like someone that counts on having you as a close friend.

Even though you shared in this thread some anger towards yourself, perhaps you've also given yourself credit for what you did.  Afterall, you did nothing wrong.  Seems like what you asked him was a fair question.

I have a close friend that is not gay.  We frequently socialize, going to movies, theater, symphony etc. often just the two of us, sometimes in a group.  However, we don't have as close a bond as you and your friend do.  It sounds nice, the friendship you two have had all these years.

[Updated on: Sun, 27 October 2019 04:57]

Re: Needed to talk about this. Advice, please?  [message #76108 is a reply to message #76095] Sun, 27 October 2019 14:25 Go to previous messageGo to next message
pandareader is currently offline  pandareader   Brazil

Toe is in the water

Registered: October 2019
Messages: 51



Quote:
What you have just written sounds a little as if you are worried that you are being neglected?

Now I know it's not like this, but it reminds me of "He never came to my party, but I didn't actually invite him" I am going to bet there have been periods in the past when he was just too occupied to call you. Today, though, it feels more important, more urgent.

Do you call and text him as much as you used to? If not, why not?

Some old bricks do conceal others that are there to trip us up. It's like demolishing a house and finding something odd in a bricked up room. No, not a body!  An old doll, or a sock!!


Yeah, described perfectly how I was feeling. I know there´s no objective reason to think I´m being neglected, we´re both adults with busy lives. I just can´t help but feel like this sometimes. Bit embarrassing, really, I´m sounding a bit like a whiny needy kid. 
Running the risk of beating your metaphor to death (but I really liked the prison walls idea), it´s like what I found in that bricked up room was the way I kinda felt/behaved in high school. Having a bit of impostor syndrome, but about being an adult.  
Re: Needed to talk about this. Advice, please?  [message #76110 is a reply to message #76096] Sun, 27 October 2019 15:12 Go to previous messageGo to next message
pandareader is currently offline  pandareader   Brazil

Toe is in the water

Registered: October 2019
Messages: 51



Quote:
I am so widdershins that I am loathe to make any comment but thought I'd do a little stream of consciousness thing.

I looked up widdershins and came up with counterclockwise or contrary, so I´m not sure I understand what you meant by that.
But anyway, thank you for taking the time to talk to me, it´s good to be able to read other people´s thoughts and experiences.
I sometimes feel self-conscious about what I´m writing here, if I´m being too whiny or needy, but everyone who has replied has been really thoughtful and I appreciate that.

Quote:
Honestly, from where I'm sitting at the moment, you seem to have weathered this storm handily. Look at it as a golden age of possibilities, romantic or other wise... Let the stream flow where it may. We go where we find enrichment emotionally and physically... LOL that's a balancing act in it's self... Do I love him or is it that I want him. You can only find the truth to that within your self. Just try never to be selfish... that's another hard one.


Not sure I´ve handled this storm as well as I could have, feels like I´m still trying not to get drenched. I don´t really have doubts whether I love him or if it´s just that I want him, it´s definitely not "lust".
About going with the flow, I´m trying to get enough peace of mind (heart?) to just learn to appreciate this great thing that I know I have. I was going to say "learn to dial down on the love I feel" but I don´t think it´s a question of that. It might take a while until I can see all the other possibilities, right now it doesn´t feel like I can.
I´ve been writing (and I think for the first time ever in my life) about how I have been feeling and how it has been evolving these past few weeks and it has helped. But what also has helped me was getting some other perspectives about it. What I mean is that I have never before considered myself to be a "romantic" person. I did not think of myself of someone with aspirations of "finding the one"... until I read what you said and realised that yeah, perhaps I´m a bit of a romantic. Funny to realise something like that about yourself, I´ve always thought of myself about being quite pragmatic about life... 
 

Re: Needed to talk about this. Advice, please?  [message #76111 is a reply to message #76105] Sun, 27 October 2019 15:33 Go to previous messageGo to next message
pandareader is currently offline  pandareader   Brazil

Toe is in the water

Registered: October 2019
Messages: 51



Thanks for your message, Mark Driver.
I do value this friendship as one of the most important relationships in my life, even before I tried to see if I could "upgrade" it to something more.

I think I´m a bit angry or frustrated that it did not work out the way I hoped but I know that it´s not fair. I´m more angry at myself for taking so long before I learnt the truth, for feeding my expectations all these years. But perhaps it had to take a while before I was comfortable enough to ask and we were mature enough to talk about it without losing our friendship.

When I thought about talking to him how I felt, I considered what it could do to our friendship. I felt fairly confident that it could affect us but that I wouldn´t lose him as friend, otherwise I would never have asked. I´m glad that so far it seems that I was right. I don´t regret asking and expressed that to him, I needed to know for sure. The not so easy part is now dealing with the answer... it does help to talk about it, so thank you.
 
Re: Needed to talk about this. Advice, please?  [message #76112 is a reply to message #76108] Sun, 27 October 2019 15:45 Go to previous messageGo to next message
timmy   United Kingdom

Has no life at all
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13458



"pandareader wrote on Sun, 27 October 2019 14:25"
Running the risk of beating your metaphor to death (but I really liked the prison walls idea), it´s like what I found in that bricked up room was the way I kinda felt/behaved in high school. Having a bit of impostor syndrome, but about being an adult.

--
Set aside the whiny, needy kid part, we're all whiny, needy kids

In your bricked up room was what you thought normality was. You've just discovered that what was in there was not all that normal.

Psychologists talk about our 'comfort zone'. It contains some good things, such as:
  • pleasant memories
  • innocent youthful pleasures
  • first romantic feelings, yes, even if unrequited
  • job satisfaction

It also contains some other things
  • mortgage or rent payments
  • utility bills
  • need to maintain the house, apartment
  • rejections
  • that our love has been unrequited
  • getting fired from a job

Often our shit list is really horrid, and our good list is not so good. Our job is to embrace more and more experiences into our Comfort Zone, expanding it. This starts to outnumber the shit list, to overwhelm it.

When our prison had brick walls our Comfort Zone was imprisoned inside the walls. As you take the walls apart you can add experiences to your comfort zone. A few will add to your shit list. That's fine. Most will add to your good list.

The thing is, you have a job to do. It's to start to experience extra things in company of your good friend and independently, too.

Imposter syndrome? Hmmm. What is an adult?

[Updated on: Sun, 27 October 2019 15:46]




Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
Re: Needed to talk about this. Advice, please?  [message #76114 is a reply to message #76112] Sun, 27 October 2019 19:30 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Camy is currently offline  Camy   United Kingdom

Likes it here
Location: UK
Registered: February 2008
Messages: 109



"timmy wrote on Sun, 27 October 2019 15:45"

Hmmm. What is an adult?


Worthy of its own thread - if not a convention. Wink

[Updated on: Sun, 27 October 2019 19:33]




"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: Music and Cats." - Albert Schweitzer

It's like Mad Max out here: guys doing guys, girls doing girls, girls turning into guys and doing girls that used to do girls and guys!
- from Alex Truelove
Re: Needed to talk about this. Advice, please?  [message #76117 is a reply to message #76112] Mon, 28 October 2019 02:03 Go to previous messageGo to next message
pandareader is currently offline  pandareader   Brazil

Toe is in the water

Registered: October 2019
Messages: 51



"timmy wrote on Sun, 27 October 2019 15:45"

"pandareader wrote on Sun, 27 October 2019 14:25"
Running the risk of beating your metaphor to death (but I really liked the prison walls idea), it´s like what I found in that bricked up room was the way I kinda felt/behaved in high school. Having a bit of impostor syndrome, but about being an adult.

--
Set aside the whiny, needy kid part, we're all whiny, needy kids

(...)

Imposter syndrome? Hmmm. What is an adult?

--
Thanks, Timmy.

It makes me feel a little better for not having figured out this "adult" thing yet at this point in my life 
Smile
Re: Needed to talk about this. Advice, please?  [message #76118 is a reply to message #76117] Mon, 28 October 2019 05:10 Go to previous messageGo to next message
arich is currently offline  arich   United States

Really getting into it
Location: Seaofstars
Registered: August 2003
Messages: 563



Hey pandareader

Don't believe what wiki say LOL, widdershins = the road less traveled. Sort of, I'm certainly not a warlock. Really just my way of saying take any thing
I say with a grain of salt.

We make of our selves what we are.... Just can't picture you as brick.🧐
Re: Needed to talk about this. Advice, please?  [message #76119 is a reply to message #76111] Mon, 28 October 2019 17:12 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Mark Driver is currently offline  Mark Driver   Canada

Getting started
Location: California
Registered: March 2017
Messages: 21



I relate to the comment "why did I wait so long". I sometimes question myself. Why couldn't I figure out life years ago. It's a fair question. But it is also reasonable to be thankful I finally did figure some things out.

I've experienced the sudden realization a guy that treated me special, a guy I was in love with, was not going to be an "upgrade".

Hearing your experience about that and also hearing about Tim's reminded me of what I went through and the anguish I felt.

Hang in there.

[Updated on: Tue, 29 October 2019 04:16]

Re: Needed to talk about this. Advice, please?  [message #76180 is a reply to message #76119] Tue, 12 November 2019 05:17 Go to previous messageGo to next message
pandareader is currently offline  pandareader   Brazil

Toe is in the water

Registered: October 2019
Messages: 51



It´s been a month today (or rather, four weeks) since I´ve talked to my best friend how I felt about him so I kind of wanted to write this update. I realised that having to organize my thoughts and feelings to try to write something coherent is useful to help me understand how I´m feeling. So, hi.

I have spent these past few weeks trying to resign myself to accept my rejection (and by accept I mean, fully digest this and stop feeling sad about it) and I can confidently report that I´m not there yet. My mind does wander a few times to that hug I got that night which makes me feel a bit miserable wishing it could have been different (but it seems to be happening less frequently). Most of times I´m still feeling "just" sad when I think about it but not feeling like I "could cry but can´t seem to" anymore, so a bit of progress, I guess. My playlist is still playing unrequited love songs and I´m finding myself quite a fan of Lewis Capaldi songs lately. 

Our friendship has kind of returned to a state of normality though sometimes I feel like he´s a bit uncomfortable. Knowing him, he´ll never raise the subject again if he can avoid it and right now I don´t intend to talk more about it either. We are still best friends and I have talked to him every day this past month. We´ve seen each other in a few social occasions and it felt normal, thank goodness. I still have those feelings of neglect from time to time. When I´m feeling that way I find that if he reaches out to me I can kind of breathe easier (like some tightness in my chest is released). And that it does not happen if I´m the one to reach out to him. I know that this does not make sense and it´s a bit stupid but I can´t seem to help it when I´m feeling that way.

I have been rethinking my life in terms of work balance and pondering if I should let go off some jobs for next year. What also happened is that I somehow reconnected with a few childhood friends that I talked maybe once or twice a year (not sure if at all related with anything, though). 

Lately it feels like I´m having to work less actively at my "prison walls demolition" efforts. Or rather, I´m not thinking about it as much, I guess.   
Still not ready to think about relationships except to mourn the one I´ve never had, though. However, things seem to be going a bit better or at least less sad, hopefully on the way of being ok. 

Well, guess that was my update. I want to thank everyone here for the support I´ve been getting. Having people to talk to about this, hearing other perspectives and from people that had similar experiences helps me deal with it, especially when I´m feeling overwhelmed by all of this. Taking Timmy´s advice I´ll keep writing to help me digest all this. So, thanks again.     
Re: Needed to talk about this. Advice, please?  [message #76182 is a reply to message #76180] Tue, 12 November 2019 14:52 Go to previous messageGo to next message
timmy   United Kingdom

Has no life at all
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13458



All I can say is that it gets better.

But there is a qualifier. It takes work.



Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
Re: Needed to talk about this. Advice, please?  [message #76183 is a reply to message #76182] Tue, 12 November 2019 19:57 Go to previous messageGo to next message
luvtwinks is currently offline  luvtwinks   United States

Likes it here

Registered: August 2018
Messages: 129



Hi pandareader,
I logged in to ask you how things are going but you beat me to it. Thanks for the update. Stay strong! ❤️
Re: Needed to talk about this. Advice, please?  [message #76184 is a reply to message #76183] Wed, 13 November 2019 04:52 Go to previous messageGo to next message
pandareader is currently offline  pandareader   Brazil

Toe is in the water

Registered: October 2019
Messages: 51



Thank you for listening and for the support luvtwinks! I appreciate it.
Re: Needed to talk about this. Advice, please?  [message #76489 is a reply to message #75994] Wed, 22 January 2020 21:36 Go to previous messageGo to next message
luvtwinks is currently offline  luvtwinks   United States

Likes it here

Registered: August 2018
Messages: 129



Pandareader,
Any more news? I hope everything has settled down and returned to normal.
Re: Needed to talk about this. Advice, please?  [message #76494 is a reply to message #76489] Thu, 23 January 2020 23:04 Go to previous messageGo to next message
pandareader is currently offline  pandareader   Brazil

Toe is in the water

Registered: October 2019
Messages: 51



Hi luvtwinks,
I guess I don´t have much to report, but sometimes no news is good news, right?
Things have mostly returned back to normal. I still talk to him almost every day and when I stop to reflect about it, way more than I talk to anyone else in my life. It makes me wonder a bit about something cm has said before, that perhaps he can´t reciprocate my feelings because he´s just not wired that way. We haven´t talked about it anymore and we probably never will. But I don´t have that feeling of tightness in my chest and anxiety when he does not reach out anymore (I stopped keeping track if it was me or him who reached out), it feels more like a "natural" thing.
I don´t think my feelings for him have diminished but I kind of accepted that I can´t "unfeel" the way I feel about him and stopped trying to "act normal". It made it easier to actually be normal around him. There´s still some wishful thinking that pops up time to time that "maybe someday he´ll turn around", but I know that´s just what it is, wishful thinking. I still don´t feel ready to move on and try to find someone else but that´s kind of okay-ish by me (some days are more okay and others are less so...). All in all, we´re still best friends and I´m really grateful for that.
Thank you for your interest and caring (those virtual hugs of yours have comforted me back when I was really really sad about it), I wasn´t planning on writing an update but it feels good to be able to talk about it.  
Re: Needed to talk about this. Advice, please?  [message #76495 is a reply to message #76494] Thu, 23 January 2020 23:18 Go to previous messageGo to next message
timmy   United Kingdom

Has no life at all
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13458



"pandareader wrote on Thu, 23 January 2020 23:04"
Hi luvtwinks,
I guess I don´t have much to report, but sometimes no news is good news, right?
Things have mostly returned back to normal. I still talk to him almost every day and when I stop to reflect about it, way more than I talk to anyone else in my life. It makes me wonder a bit about something cm has said before, that perhaps he can´t reciprocate my feelings because he´s just not wired that way. We haven´t talked about it anymore and we probably never will. But I don´t have that feeling of tightness in my chest and anxiety when he does not reach out anymore (I stopped keeping track if it was me or him who reached out), it feels more like a "natural" thing.
I don´t think my feelings for him have diminished but I kind of accepted that I can´t "unfeel" the way I feel about him and stopped trying to "act normal". It made it easier to actually be normal around him. There´s still some wishful thinking that pops up time to time that "maybe someday he´ll turn around", but I know that´s just what it is, wishful thinking. I still don´t feel ready to move on and try to find someone else but that´s kind of okay-ish by me (some days are more okay and others are less so...). All in all, we´re still best friends and I´m really grateful for that.
Thank you for your interest and caring (those virtual hugs of yours have comforted me back when I was really really sad about it), I wasn´t planning on writing an update but it feels good to be able to talk about it.  

--
I'd also been hoping for an update. This one seems pragmatic. Like all pragmatism it has compromise at its core. That is probably good. I'm not at all surprised you haven't explored other folk to date yet, but you will once you are ready. Start by exploring friendships.



Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
Re: Needed to talk about this. Advice, please?  [message #77405 is a reply to message #76495] Wed, 14 October 2020 03:36 Go to previous message
pandareader is currently offline  pandareader   

Toe is in the water

Registered: October 2019
Messages: 51



Hi,
So, I've been meaning to answer Timmy's thread about "How are we" and realised that it would be a year since my original post here so I decided to write here.  

How am I? Mostly tired these days, COVID-19 had a direct effect in my work and doesn't look like it's going away anytime soon... Got some unexpected good surprises from people I wouldn't necessarily call friends that were very helpful during this pandemic but some disappointments from a few people I thought I could count on. As a friend said to me, crises have a way of exposing the true nature of people thats usually hidden under a veneer of civilisation... Seems to me that with a few exceptions, every country had a worse response to Covid-19 than it should because politics got in the way of rational and scientific measures. Unfortunately this meant a lot of unnecessary suffering and deaths...

I can't watch much TV anymore, found that all these bad news lately were making me anxious so I have been reading more and listening to audiobooks. Stories were a good source of escapism and I'm glad I had several stories here to read.

I took Timmy's advice on exploring friendships and rekindled old friendships that I had lost touch with and that was very important for my mental health and to cope with this year. Online friendships have also been invaluable for me these past months. Thanks to this board I have found people that I think of as friends and I cherish those friendships.

I've talked to my best friend every day for this past year and he's still one of the most important people in my life. He's never brought the subject up again (neither did I), but I don't feel like I have some tightness in my chest about it anymore. I still catch myself from time to time feeling that longing and wishing things were different but definitely not as often or as strongly as before. One year later and our friendship has remained strong and I appreciate that a lot. It's been a very important part of my support system in this weird pandemic year.
Also, one year later, and I still dont feel ready to move on and try to find somebody else. So, yeah, one year later I'm still not completely over it... (but am kind of ok with that).

I have re-read the messages in this thread and that made me relive a little how I felt. I want to thank again people here for being so kind and empathetic to me, it really helped me cope. I hope everyone is staying safe and healthy and that we can have a somewhat "normal" world some time in the near future...
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