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saben
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On fire! |
Registered: May 2003
Messages: 1537
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My father never paid a cent for me. Legally until 1989 Child Support was only enforcable if Mum took it to the Family Court. She didn't, she was too proud and wanted to "do it alone". She did a good job, but I kind of regret that she did nothing.
I met my father once. It was 1999, so I would have been 14. We were going for a holiday to Melbourne where he lived and my Nan asked me if I'd like to. He was nice, he seemed like a "good dad" type person, I guess just not to me. I don't really know what Mum told him, but by age 14 she was willing to have him be a part of my life if he wanted. We got in contact, met up, he told me about his work (he was a manager at 3 different car dealerships, including the top Holden dealership in Victoria) and had dinner. He was loaded, at least by my standards back then. I've since seen the world and really he's probably typical for most high end managers. His house seemed like a mansion, it was probably worth AU$1mil or at least half that. He had multiple cars, probably gifts from the company, all "brand new" and "expensive" by my standards at the time. He also had a wife, 2 kids (my half brothers who'd be 14 and 12 by now if I count right) and a pet turtle.
So we met up and he said something about him being in Tasmania for Christmas that year and that we could meet up again then. I heard nothing from him. The next year he moved to Launceston, my city, I heard nothing. He started running an indoor kids playground business that is still running now, as far as I know. I've still heard nothing, nothing for my 16th, 18th or 21st birthdays. I feel let down and disappointed, he was the adult. I understand the situation is awkward and maybe his wife made it hard (though he mentioned she knew about me since the first date). But that's no excuse, he could have at least contacted. I wonder if he didn't contact me for fear of Mum chasing him down for Child Support.
Well, nothing could have been further from the truth. She never wanted a cent from him. She raised me, from when she was 16 by herself. Working part-time at the supermarket to supplement her government pension. And I never went without. The fridge was always full. I always had games and toys- maybe not straight away at release, but my Christmas stocking always overflowed. My Mum did it all, with not a cent from him. I don't know if she rejected his help, or how many times he offered, if ever. But I'm still immensely proud of my Mum.
She may not have wanted anything from him. But I do. At the least an explanation. At least to be able to meet my brothers. Hopefully on top of that he'll pay for orthodontic work on my teeth that is long overdue. My Mum has perfect teeth, but I had to inherit my father's- his genetic deficiency makes me embarassed to smile in photos. He could at least pay for that. And maybe more.
I don't know how to feel about the whole thing. Should I take the bastard for as much as I legally can (if indeed I have any legal ground at all)? Should I be content with an explanation? Should I try and be a part of his life?
He'll never be my dad, it's too late for that. He'll always be Craig, my father. But I wouldn't mind being a part of his family, if he even wants me. The whole thing is confusing.
What do you guys think? Advice please?
Look at this tree. I cannot make it blossom when it suits me nor make it bear fruit before its time [...] No matter what you do, that seed will grow to be a peach tree. You may wish for an apple or an orange, but you will get a peach.
Master Oogway
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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Huggs tight...... Your Mom is a special lady.... your father.... I'll be polite.
He owes you, perhaps not in material things... thost arent really whats of value are they...
He owes you time, presence and attention.
And the decency (sp) of an explaination
Perslnaly i would seek him out and ask, "what the fuck did i do wrong to get this kind of treatment from my own father?"
and calmly wait for a suitable answer.
On the flip side of the coin.... do you think his involvment at this stage would be an asset in your life?
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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Shem,
I don't have any experience for dealing with a situation like that. I would imagine that every case is different; you are the only person who knows how much your father, or the need for a father, means to you.
It might help to try and work out possible reasons for your father's behaviour. Is it possible that he's embarrassed at his behaviour so far? That he honestly believes that staying away from you is in your best interests? It seems to me that if he has a wife and a family and is doing a reasonably good job of it, then it is possible that he is using them as an opportunity to make amends with himself -- leaving you aside because he can't think of a way to approach you.
Then again, it could be pure selfishness. It's easy to see what you think -- you quite rightly feel let down. But perhaps if he knew how let down you feel then he would be able to make himself overcome the initial hurdle of getting to know you as a father.
One thing is for certain: he has an obligation to you, and however far you go, you will be within your rights. I guess it all comes down to how much you feel you need to know him, and what he's actually like underneath.
Best wishes,
David
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First of all, I have to commend you - you seem like a terrific person. You haven't attacked this man that has abandoned you. You are a bigger person than I am. I'm glad that you are still willing to have some type of a relationship with your biological father. And I think you deserve to and need to have some answers.
I guess what I'd like to address is the way to approach the man. I believe I would put the questions to him in the form of a letter. Something he can read and re-read and totally absorb. It is a less confrontational approach as well. And it gives him time to think of an appropriate response, rather than just say the first thing that pops into his head. And I would send the letter to his work place rather than his home - to give his wife less opportunity to involve herself in an answer. If you used the letter to tell him how deeply hurt you have been by his seeming lack of concern over you, his first-born son, then he would have to be some sort of monster not to feel some sort of empathy. And let him know you really require a response from him. I would go so far as to stick a stamped, self addressed envelope in the letter - giving him no excuses.
I don't claim to know that this is the best way to respond. It's just the best thing I can think of for you to do. Maybe others can give you better direction. But whatever the results of the choice you finally make, I want you to know that you have really tugged at my heart. And I hope you will advise us of the results. If it's bad news, we want to commiserate with you. If it is good news, we want to share in your joy.
Hugs, my friend
Youth crisis hot-line 866-488-7386, 24 hr (U.S.A.)
There are people who want to help you cope with being you.
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Why speculate, that will get you no real answers, ask, maybe that’s what he’s been waiting for. I don’t know! I don’t know what kind of dialog you’ve had with him over the years. The only comparison I have now in my life is to look back and think of all of the questions I could have and should have asked. I know no matter how much I wish I had at this point, it’s too late!
People will tell you where they've gone
They'll tell you where to go
But till you get there yourself you never really know
Where some have found their paradise
Other's just come to harm
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saben
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On fire! |
Registered: May 2003
Messages: 1537
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You have a point David and I would have found that acceptable, except that I met him the once, at 14. I opened up my life to him, I gave him an opportunity to start getting to know him.
I feel like I was just a "complicaction", he had a "perfect" nuclear family and I was a weed in the rose garden of his life. He didn't want my brothers to find out about me, they were 6 and 4 at the time, so that's understandable; but that in itself isn't a reason to distance himself. Maybe it was guilt for the 14 years previous, maybe just procrastination that turned into guilt at taking so long (I'm all too familiar with that one).
As Adrich says though, I need to ask the questions.
Look at this tree. I cannot make it blossom when it suits me nor make it bear fruit before its time [...] No matter what you do, that seed will grow to be a peach tree. You may wish for an apple or an orange, but you will get a peach.
Master Oogway
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saben
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On fire! |
Registered: May 2003
Messages: 1537
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I was going to send an email, but I can't find any for him. I think a physical letter would be better for all the reasons you mention.
I'll need to track down his workplace so I can send it, but hopefully my Nan will be able to help with that.
Thanks for the solid advice, Paul.
Look at this tree. I cannot make it blossom when it suits me nor make it bear fruit before its time [...] No matter what you do, that seed will grow to be a peach tree. You may wish for an apple or an orange, but you will get a peach.
Master Oogway
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saben
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On fire! |
Registered: May 2003
Messages: 1537
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I gave Legal Aid a call, I just want to know what he "should" have done and what legal grounds I'd have. Just so I have that option if I ever choose to pursue it. Even though I am an adult it is possible for my mum to make a claim because I was still in tertiary education and until I'm 24 I'm still a "dependent" while studying.
I also have been searching high and low on the internet and I think I may have found one of my brothers on myspace. The name and age fit, the location is listed as Tasmania. The last name is spelt different to what I thought, but I'm probably just remembering wrong. Of course his profile is private, but I asked to be added as a friend so we'll see if he even checks his email regularly.
Curiouser and curiouser.
Look at this tree. I cannot make it blossom when it suits me nor make it bear fruit before its time [...] No matter what you do, that seed will grow to be a peach tree. You may wish for an apple or an orange, but you will get a peach.
Master Oogway
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That's a sad story. I'm proud of your mom tho. She raised you right.^^
Your dad sounds like crap. Could always say worse, but wont cause I may lose my temper^^ hehe. Anyway.
I think you should go after him for Child Support. It may be a way of getting some closure, if you want any closure from him.
Then you can Sue his ass! and smile^_^
I hope you get to see your brothers soon, and I hope he gives you a damn good explanation!
hugs and kisses.
~Josh~
21.
Love who you want to.
~Josh~
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saben
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On fire! |
Registered: May 2003
Messages: 1537
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Everyone keeps saying things about my father. But like, I don't consider he's done anything that bad. He's just kept to himself and had his own life. I mean, he and my mum were seperated before I was born and they hadn't even been dating that long in the first place. So it's not like he had a great deal of investment into my or her life. If they had been married, or he'd left us when I was younger and then not contacted, that would have been harder. But he's been a non-factor for so long. He's not been important to me, just something in the back of my mind. I mean, I met him at 14 out of curiosity as much as anything. I don't feel that I've missed out on much, but I guess now, I'd like to have him know me, but I still don't feel much towards him. I mean, he probably hardly thinks about me, as I hardly think about him; but now it'd just be nice to have some occasional contact.
Look at this tree. I cannot make it blossom when it suits me nor make it bear fruit before its time [...] No matter what you do, that seed will grow to be a peach tree. You may wish for an apple or an orange, but you will get a peach.
Master Oogway
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I see what you're saying.^^ It would be nice if you and your dad could meet and have coffee or something, just to chat sort of thing, if thats what you want^^
~Josh~
21.
Love who you want to.
~Josh~
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Saben said,
>Everyone keeps saying things about my father. But like, I don't consider he's done anything that bad.
Well, you did call him 'the bastard'! It's quite difficult to judge your opinions from your original post -- that's why I suggested thinking about why he might have behaved the way he did; it might allow you to consider your possible responses depending on what comes out when you talk to him about it. I think everyone is pretty unanimous that you need to do that -- there are so many factors that only you and he can appreciate all of them at once.
The first step in any sort of reconciliation is to give people a chance to present their point of view seriously, to do the honourable thing. Then you can reappraise the situation and deal with the outstanding issues, find a compromise if necessary.
David
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Well said David!
Saben all I can say is my prayers are with you. In the closure of a window I hope you find an open door that will lead to healing for both of you.
People will tell you where they've gone
They'll tell you where to go
But till you get there yourself you never really know
Where some have found their paradise
Other's just come to harm
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saben
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On fire! |
Registered: May 2003
Messages: 1537
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I guess I don't know my opinion, until I do know his reasoning. But "Take the bastard [to court/ for all he has]" is kind of a set phrase, "bastard" isn't necessarily an insult in Aus. Really I just needed to vent, and get some feedback. It's helped and I know that talking to him is definitely what should be done. I'll start tracking him down and then start with a letter, and see how things go from there.
Look at this tree. I cannot make it blossom when it suits me nor make it bear fruit before its time [...] No matter what you do, that seed will grow to be a peach tree. You may wish for an apple or an orange, but you will get a peach.
Master Oogway
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Saben,
No wonder that you are very disappointed. Although your mother didn't want anything from your father, your father shouldn't distance himself from you, simply because you are his son. Only a coward wants to hide from his family the fact that he has another son, you. If he were a 'real man', he would be proud of you and would do his best to make them accept and welcome you as part of their family.
I am a father myself, and have three grandchildren too, and I can't understand why and how it is possible for a father not to love and care about his son.
You don't say how much you have talked to your mother about this, about wanting to get in touch with your father? What's her reaction when you express your need to meet him? Does she understand and accept your need, offering you her support? Or is she hesitant and even afraid of losing you?
[Updated on: Wed, 08 August 2007 19:15] |
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