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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13751
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The question was asked by a female friend who knows I'm gay, and she wanted to know from a man's perspective. I'm not sure I'm qualified to answer her, not really. So I was hoping for some help.
I'm looking to answer emotionally, physically, intellectually, romantically.
It can be "in comparison with a girl" or "I've never been with a girl (or anyone, come to that) so how would I know?"
Answers as simple as "Heck, unless he's just fired, a guy is always ready," or "I like dicks, it's as simple as that" are fine, but I'm also looking for some depth of answers.
I know what my imagination says. I dream of waking up and turning over and waking my lover orally. Except my lover is my pillow, and it's rather a dry mouthful!
So help me, please.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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I'm not altogether sure that I think that sex with "a" man is special - more that sex with the right person is special, and for me the "right" person has to be a man. I have had nothing-to-write-home-about sex with both men and women, but "making love" needs another guy.
I suspect it will turn out to be different for each of us, but my list (in no particular order) includes:
smell and taste. Especially smell - a really important sense when it comes to partners for me. Men and women smell different, and I've yet to meet a woman who has a smell that is an instant turn-on! But some guys ... grrrr.
Communication. Obviously, out of bed, but also in bed (or wherever) - a key to really excellent sex, and I just don't think I really understand what female partners are saying to me, and I don't think they quite understand what I'm saying to them. Lack of a shared vocabulary and experience (and body-map) ...
As a natural bottom, guys can do something for me that women can't, and that I can't do for myself (dildos just don't hack it). For me, admitting someone into my body is a very powerful lowering of barriers - it is a physical and emotional thing that I can only do with another guy, and it has to be a pretty special guy at that.
Movement - guys and girls walk (and generally use their bodies) differently: women don't turn me on like that whereas some guys do.
Finally, and most complicatedly, there are so few blueprints for guy/guy relationships (casual sex excluded) that nothing can be taken for granted - everything has to be negotiated. Which is in a way a pain, but it means that a male partner doesn't have, or doesn't have a right to have, a bunch of expectations about me that are hidden: I'm not buying in to a whole set of assumptions. (Straight relationships are gradually getting there, but the past few centuries of the marriage thing make that difficult).
possibly more thoughts on this later: it's an interesting question, but I have to go out for a few hours
"The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral, begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy. ... Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night devoid of stars." Martin Luther King
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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I'm with NW on this.... also
Counting for partner specific preferances,,, it is not so much who one has sex with... but the degree of feelings as well as attraction that comes together along with feelings and a degree of skil to ensure that ones partner experiences the encounter to its fullest advantage....
It is more to do with heart than who...
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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As far as a relationship goes there is always an emotionaly part doesnt mater if its guy/guy, guy/girl, girl/girl. The physical part is pretty cut and dry. A Boy knows what a boy likes, whats makes him feel good. I know Im going to probably catch hell for this, but most girls do not like to give blow jobs, and they absolutely dont know how, therefor they arnt very good at it. There is pretty much just one way a girl likes sex and anything having to do with stimulateing the male or making him feel special is sort of lost on her. Ive had str8t men tell me that having sex with another guy is far superior to that of a woman, the only draw back is that its another male. As far as the emotional part, im sure that can be the same. Emotion adds to sex but its not what makes it good.
If you stand for Freedom, but you wont stand for war, then you dont stand for anything worth fighting for.
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Dear Timmy,
You ask a really difficult question and I'm not going to be able to answer it instantly. I've just found a letter (of 11 pages!) I wrote to Peter in 1955 and am typing it out: I am amazed at myself. Also I've been married for almost 45 years and have been faithful to my wife and doubt whether my memories are reliable (judging by the mentioned letter).
Aside from the question of love (since I can love either sex and, of course sex with someone loved is infinitely superior) I think the main thing is that a man like me knows what will please me without me saying much and I know what will probably please him (or drive him wild!).
I may be out of order on this but one enormous difference for me is simply looks. Male pornography can really turn me on, especially if it's loving (as in the IOMFATS illustration) and ordinary pornography has much less effect. I just like the look of a beautiful boy or man much more than that of most women (I have to admit that a few gamine women also have me yearning; try Audrey Hepburn when she was young).
And as you say, it's no good if you can't wake up next to them and hug them or whatever or bring them a cup of tea in bed and join them there again.
Love (indeed),
Anthony
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saben
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On fire! |
Registered: May 2003
Messages: 1537
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Sex with a man isn't so special.
Nor would I think sex with a woman would be particularly special were I heterosexual.
The thing that makes sex special is love and attraction. And I'm in love with a man. I'm attracted to men.
I like cock, though. That's the main reason I like male-male sex. Not because it's special, but I like sucking cock, watching men shoot, etc. That doesn't make it special, though.
Maybe I'm misunderstanding the question, though?
Look at this tree. I cannot make it blossom when it suits me nor make it bear fruit before its time [...] No matter what you do, that seed will grow to be a peach tree. You may wish for an apple or an orange, but you will get a peach.
Master Oogway
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timmy wrote:
> The question was asked by a female friend who knows I'm gay, and she wanted to know from a man's perspective.
I've been thinking about this a bit. I really don't think - based on many conversations with friends of both genders - that there is a particular "man's" or "woman's" perspective on this ... the averages may be a bit different, but the overlap is enormous. So your friend could usefully look within herself and work out what it is about the gender of the partners she chooses that makes sex with that gender "special".
"The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral, begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy. ... Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night devoid of stars." Martin Luther King
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13751
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I discussed that with her. She knows what her own perspective is. It's a kind of mishmash of security, the fact the her fella is quite a hunk, that he is sexy, mostly kind, mostly considerate, sometimes a total jerk. But equally she recognises that men tend to jump onto women, poke about for a while, and then jump off again and go to sleep. Hers does.
So her interest is truly in what it is that makes a man desire sex with a man. And I am talking sex. We may add love and romance to it, but it is sex that interests her in this context.
I have minimal experience of gay men. My sole experience is by fantasy. Do we jump on another guy, poke about for a bit, jump off again and go to sleep?
Do men make sure their guy has an orgasm (if he wants one), or do they wander off leaving him unsatisfied?
I do know about hugs.
Hug a woman and it's soft and yielding and, well, pink. Hug a man and he is strong, unyielding except when he chooses, strong, powerful. Does that transfer into sex with him, too?
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Oh yes, Timmy,
Although one's own orgasm is important, I, at least just don't enjoy it unless my partner also comes. Giving someone else that delight is a large part of the pleasure in the whole thing. And, in my opinion it is because that is easier with a man that sex with a man is better; because you really know how at least one man feels so you can do a better job.
I have had sex with men who only wanted to be penetrated and who refused orgasm and were even a bit irritated with me for thinking they needed it. I think such people must be severely damaged somehow.
Sex with anyone else, male or female, must end with at least two orgasms. If it doesn't I feel robbed. And from the sex not love point of view I think that two orgasms is easier for two men to achieve. There are quite a lot of men who don't feel the need to ensure a woman they sleep with has an orgasm and I think this is just selfish. I'm afraid I did that once - when I lost my (with-a-female) virginity. I didn't know what to do and she cried. I'm still ashamed of it. She was so nice to me and I failed her (but only once, you'll be glad to hear!).
Love,
Anthony
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acam wrote:
> Oh yes, Timmy,
> Although one's own orgasm is important, I, at least just don't enjoy it unless my partner also comes. Giving someone else that delight is a large part of the pleasure in the whole thing.
I've certainly had at least one partner with whom the real point of it was his orgasm - me having one didn't always happen, and I didn't miss it in the least. Mind you, that was the guy (of everyone ever) who gave me the most profound and satisfying orgasms when he did, and generally the best sex! (And the only person who splitting up with gave me a breakdown for three months).
The only other person that I've previously discussed this with - my most longstanding female friend - tells me that it was pretty similar for her with her first husband. "Sometimes, you just want to make it good for him", as she put it.
[Updated on: Tue, 15 January 2008 17:54]
"The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral, begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy. ... Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night devoid of stars." Martin Luther King
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saben
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On fire! |
Registered: May 2003
Messages: 1537
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My sole experience is by fantasy. Do we jump on another guy, poke about for a bit, jump off again and go to sleep?
Do men make sure their guy has an orgasm (if he wants one), or do they wander off leaving him unsatisfied?
It's frustrating for me, sometimes. Ryan's sex drive isn't as fierce as mine and he can happily go for 3 or 4 days without having sex. I find that a lot harder. Despite being in a relationship I often end up downloading.
As a result, though, when we do have sex we both want it and it's quite passionate most of the time. Neither of us ends up examining the paint on the ceiling anyway.
We usually both cum and we try to time it together, but sometimes by "accident" one of us will fire in advance. I think there'd be less need for timing in a straight relationship- if the woman orgasms early it's fine- she can have another. In my experience, though, once a bottom cums the prostate is far too sensitive to continue and if the top cums it's obviously game over. So timing is very important. It's always a mutual decision for one of us to be left unsatisfied, though. There's always another way to finish off than sex.
After sex, we have a shower, but most of our intimacy is before sex or at other times. I get sleepy after sex, Ryan gets energised, so normally I go hop into bed and he goes and watches TV or plays the computer.
We are intimate in a lot of different ways. Sometimes it's gentle hugs, back rubs and little kisses. Sometimes it's pashing and fierce hugs. Sometimes we wrestle naked on the bed. I think one of the benefits of a gay relationship is nothing's off limits. We're already outside our expected social roles so we can behave how we enjoy and feel comfortable. Nothing's "expected" of us.
That's just my experience, I'm sure individuals mileage may vary. Hope it gives some insight into my sex at least 
Look at this tree. I cannot make it blossom when it suits me nor make it bear fruit before its time [...] No matter what you do, that seed will grow to be a peach tree. You may wish for an apple or an orange, but you will get a peach.
Master Oogway
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he can happily go for 3 or 4 days without having sex.
You write as if that's unusual. Maybe it is.
I can go indefinitely without having sex. That doesn't bother me in itself (although sometimes I wonder what I have been missing out on). What bothers me is the thought that my lack of interest hampers my ability ever to find a loving relationship.
It feels as though the world of relationships is like a secret club, for which I lack the minimum entry requirement.
I was in a relationship for a while. It was a long time ago. I hated the pressure of the expectation to "perform". I was torn apart when it finished. Sad at the loss of the only person who'd ever said they "loved me" and hugely relieved that I didn't have to pretend any more.
I still have the half-used pack of Viagara.
I used to hope that if ever I met the partner of my dreams it would all be different, but I have grown cynical with time.
Why is sex with a man so special? Hell, why is sex with anyone so special?  ??
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At the risk of sounding like a smart ass. Have you ever had a doctor check your testosterone levels? Thats the hormone that causes the drive for sex and also fuels anger.
If you stand for Freedom, but you wont stand for war, then you dont stand for anything worth fighting for.
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Hi Roger. Thanks for showing an interest.
Yes, testosterone levels checked and normal.
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13751
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I suppose the word "special" could be replaced with the words like fun, or sensual, or erotic, or other similar ones. She asked me using the word "special", but I think it really meant what was specifically important about sex with a man (kind of as opposed to a woman).
The question is appropriate for folk in your position should they enjoy a sexual encounter. I suspect that enjoyment is an emotional, perhaps an intellectual thing. It may depend on our self image, our history, our expectations.
Roger's question about testosterone is a good one. I started serious erectile dysfunction after surgery. The first attempt was testosterone - pills, injections etc. All that happened is that my chest hair grew to three inches long. Sex drive was there, but erections weren't. Viagra, then cialis, cured the reactions, but the chest hair length is permanent! Oh, people had to be sure not to stand in my way when I was on testosterone!
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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I can only wonder how it'd feel like...heck i've never even been kissed!:-[
yama nashi, ochi nashi, imi nashi
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Dear Steve,
I almost felt like writing "poor you", but that would be a jibe. I'm not sorry for you either. I sort of have my heart in my mouth with anxiety hoping you make it without coming to harm. I think I had my first kiss at the age of twenty. I was inhibited from painting the town red when I discovered how much I liked men by the knowledge that doing anything about it was illegal. So I always acted with extreme caution and always negotiated before acting.
So here I am at 73, never having taken a recreational drug (apart from alcohol and tobacco), never having caught a sexually transmitted disease, never having been gay-bashed or even been threatened by a homophobe and I am accepted by my family and can afford to go on living.
May I wish you at least the same! You start off with a huge advantage in knowledge and in the range of things you can do - but the range also means you can make bigger mistakes.
Love,
Anthony
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saben
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On fire! |
Registered: May 2003
Messages: 1537
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I can go indefinitely without having sex, but I reach about 3 days without orgasm and it starts to consume my mind and distract me until I relieve myself.
I've actually mellowed compared to my younger years. At 16-17 I was masturbating at least once/ day and I even got off 5 times in about a 7 hour period. Probably no record, but it shows my level of hormonal activity.
Now, at 23, I still like to orgasm around 4-5 times/ week. Otherwise I get frustrated.
Ryan is happy with around 2-3 times/ week, occasionally more, so as mentioned, often I'll end up going solo.
Sexual compatibility is pretty important. If you don't have a similar sex-drive to your partner it can put a lot of strain on the relationship. It works between Ryan and me because I'm happy to just download, but even so it can be frustrating. It's frustrating for him, too.
I don't know if Ryan is unusual, or if I am. It doesn't matter- we're just different and we need to negotiate that difference as part of a relationship. But we're happy to.
Look at this tree. I cannot make it blossom when it suits me nor make it bear fruit before its time [...] No matter what you do, that seed will grow to be a peach tree. You may wish for an apple or an orange, but you will get a peach.
Master Oogway
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