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I have no idea if Tim will come back or not, or if Kevin will. Nor do I really care anymore at this point.
If there's one thing I'm good at, it's pretending all is okay, that nothing's wrong. That status quo still reigns. You see, it's a product of my upbringing, a well-versed skill. Because if that was not to be the case... Let's just say I'd probably have preferred to stand in the middle of the fire-bombing raid on Dresden back in WWII.
I still do it, not just as much anymore. I try to keep a cheery disposition not because it supposedly helps to stay in a good mood, but because I can hide behind it. Sometimes it gets out anyway to a lesser or greater extent, but mostly I manage to keep it under wraps. Do I still NEED to hide? Yes. Because like I said in one of my very first posts, I fear if I reveal the full extent of my anguish and misery, I'd be totally unbearable to be around. Nobody could stand it.
You doubt me? Well, let me show you JUST A FEW parts of myself. A mere SCRATCH OF THE SURFACE...
I don't think anybody thinks it's fun growing up with an alcoholized psycho mom and a father who's so afraid of conflicts he too rather keeps up status quo than to try and deal with his - and thus mine - situation. Almost nineteen years I lived like that (first two I spent at an orphanage, still not knowing how old I was when I got there, or really where I truly come from). By the time I left I was already broken, though not fully knowing it.
I suppose most could understand how difficult it is to not be able to even look at your childhood photos that's standing on top of your bookcase and that you see EVERY DAY despite not wanting to look at them, because all you see is the ugliest, most unattractive kid ever. It's only recently I've realized that never was the case (I actually looked rather cute if I may say so), but I cannot erase the memories. Could you also understand how difficult it is to HATE having your picture taken because you're forced to smile and look like you're happy (and hating the photographer also for tricking you into smiling), even though you know you're not and it would all be fake (and having your "mother" get angry at you for refusing), and you're only seven years old?
Surely some of you have experienced the feeling of not being able to invite friends over anymore because your mom might be drunk and slip in the stairs and come sliding down on her fat ass making an awful racket while you and your friend sit in the next room within eyeshot of the event. Or her breaking out into a drunken fit of screaming when you have guests, thus totally embarrassing you and forcing you to run away from home for HOURS out of pure shame, only forcing yourself to return because you have nowhere else to go?
Of course it's no fun when you had such an awful childhood you can't even REMEMBER most of it, of having memory gaps literally covering YEARS at a time, only recollecting bits and pieces of you being beaten with rolled-up newspapers, smacked with open hands, hair tugged, being screamed at for not being as good as other parents' kids. Imagine not really knowing if you've been touched inappropriately because you can't REMEMBER it happening, only having an utterly vague, gnawing suspicion it MIGHT have transpired?
Imagine not being able to go on any kind of trip or vacation and just relax and have a good time because of your "mother" having constant conniption fits and ruining everything. Imagine not being allowed EVER to be angry or even irritated for ANY reason while growing up, even when hitting your teens and hormones begin to mess with your moods, because that would only make your "mother" TWICE as angry in return. Never being able to express your troubles because that would only turn into a discussion/shouting session over how horrible a life SHE was having. Only option being to bottle it up, store, hide away. Any time you're not with her, you're deliberately against her, even if you simply didn't want to wear the clothes she wanted you to wear, and that small reason being a valid excuse for her to explode like Mt. St. Helens.
And not saying anything at all to avoid her turning the most unlikely of statements into something to rage over, just shutting up does of course not work either because then she's being fucked with by being ignored. Always her in the center, how awful her life is, how everybody is against her. If someone is home sick from work they're faking it while she has to struggle on despite all her aches and pains that nobody cares about or listens to but that she refuses to seek help for because nobody listens to her and refuses to help (nice circular argument there, and yes, she worked as a nurse surrounded by doctors every day).
Then add to that not being able to name even ONE close friend up until the age of twelve who hasn't more or less regularly turned on you and stabbed you in the back repeatedly. Of being called names, being called idiot and stupid and WORSE every day by people you don't even know, never met for even five minutes nor ever talked to. Of moving across the god-damned country, only to find the same people ready and waiting for you there when you arrive. Of hiding in a faraway corner of the new school's property in fifth grade, crying your eyes out and desperately wishing to be dead! Of having that thought following you constantly through the rest of your life.
Imagine oneself racking up so many absentee hours it's bordering on failing the entire school year without any teacher stopping to ask themselves why, despite KNOWING you're being bullied to hell and back, and the same thing happening year after year after year. Nobody caring enough to even offer extra tutoring, despite grades hitting rock bottom in the most important subjects of the highschool course. And then to be yelled more at at home for bringing home crappy test scores and grades...
Add TO THAT, finding out most of the few people you considered true friends never really cared enough about you to tell you when they moved away and abandoned you. Of simply discovering one day they were gone, with no forwarding address, nor even a phone number to call.
And, finding out that that was the worst of it all. Of being abandoned and ignored. Having it happening again and again through the years, one precious friend after the other disappearing like thin smoke.
I'm SO TIRED of it all. So fucking tired. So to circumvent it happening again, I will disappear this time.
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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I have just read your post and am shattered. I can understand your feelings about Tim and Kevin but why do you have to join them. You have friends here although they are not the same as a real shoulder to cry on they do care for you, we all do.
Please don't go! If you want to talk, call me.
{{hug}} a smith hug
Mike
Friendship is the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts or measure words
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13751
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You have just achieved a self fulfilling prophecy. "Everyiune deserts me, so I will now make sure they can", frankly is bollocks.
And this IS patting and stroking. Lenny You are a good enough friend for me to tell it like it is.
Stay or go is irrelevant. Just realise that the friends you have here are real. And some are really pissed at you for going without a proper word. I am one of those.
No "please some back" message. Just sadness that you have gone suddenly God knows where and God knows why. Come back when you will, we wil be here.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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warren c. e. austin
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Likes it here |
Location: Toronto, Ontario, CANADA
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 247
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Just what do you think I've been living this past four-years.
Admittedly, I've only alluded to it once or twice in *posts* here at A Place of Safety, but I was was brutally frank this morning.
Lenny, you don't want to go there. I'm still here. Timmer is coming back, and so is Kevin.
We're all in this for the long haul. And not just for our benefit, but for the Kids. The un-named ones in the shadows. smith knows who they are. We have to bring them into the light. All of us, and that means you too, Lenny!
We won't be able to do nearly half the job, nor even nearly as well unless your here too.
Warren C. E Austin
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YOu gotta STAY ok?? Or I will have to send the roos with their Elephant guns and Uzzis to sort ya out. Just pull up a chair, get comfortable, ask the Koala bar tender for a drink and grab some peanuts. Please dont get all rowdy and all sweaty ok? just come here for some fun 
We all are, after all, just normal people with differing opinions and similar cares and woes. Use your smarts to help others. Maybe one guy may need one person and another need another. Dont think you are not useful ok? HUGS for you all...
People have a habit of changing your direction through life
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13751
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You see a place like this works by freedom of coming and going. The only realthing I am complaining to Lenny about is the manner of his departure.
I stand by the facts that I am one of those who is pissed at him. I'm entitled to that. I stand by what I have said about creating and ensuring he has fufilled his self fulfilling prophecy. I will miss him as a friend. I've met him here and in my home, and I like him.
Even so he has the right to go. If this place has no more use for him, so be it. If he contoinues to write interesting stories that I like I will still host them. All that has chnaged is that he has stamped his foot and made me angry about his behaviour. Not angry at the man. Angry at the behaviour.
But I will beg no-one to return. You see, no-one is important enough to be begged. I asked. You asked. Asking is quite sufficient. He is grown up. He makes his own decisions, and this may even be a good one, in due course. It is just the manner fo his leaving, and the lack of courtesy that pisses me off.
He has the right to return or stay away as he pleases. No big deal either way.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Steve
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Really getting into it |
Location: London, England
Registered: November 2006
Messages: 465
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timmy is entitled to his view. It is one that I do not share at this time. One of the functions that this MB seems to have found for itself is the offering of a helping hand, the giving of a hug to people who feel down. They are going to feel how they do regardless of whether they are here or there or anywhere else. But we cannot share with them whatever it is that we have to offer if they are not here. Therefore, it seems to me, that we should keep the hand outstretched, we should maintain the welcoming smile and we should practice giving hugs rather than shoves. Just my view.
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13751
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I mean I refuse to beg a person to return. I will not glorify a walking out by begging. I will simply welcome them back when and if they choose to come. Hug them, yes. Offer a hug, yes. Show them all the emotions I feel because of an act of theirs, yes. And when and if those emotions include anger, yes, those too. And joy at returning.
And I accept that sometimes they must leave for their own reasons.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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Stop for a moment being the drama queen and look at what you are doing to yourself!
Running and hiding is NOT an answer!
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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but now you feel comfortable enough to write your anguish and put it out for all your friends to see. We can see the difference, it is time for you to also see.
When you are ready, talk.
Hugs, Charlie
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I totally diagree with your methode of dealing with these feelings of yours.
You choose to walk away from some of the best family many of us will ever have, including me. These people care for you deeply, you should know that.
Each of us here, would walk the hot coals if it meant an end to your pain. Unfortunately, you must make that walk. But your not alone, we are here for you. We may not prove it to you every day, but we are.
Like it or not, believe it or not, WE care.
You may not come back, you may. Either way, we will respect and support you.
Live THAT, know THAT.
Then make up your mind,
Lots of love to you,
Kevin
"Be excellent to each other, and, party on dudes"!
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Actually, allow him to go 
or perhaps unclear 
