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Macky
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Really getting into it |
Location: USA
Registered: November 2008
Messages: 973
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I occasionally talk to interesting people on gay chat sites. I had chatted a few times with a young man, stated age 20. Yesterday he let something slip about a school field trip, and admitted he was 14. When I asked why he mis stated his age, he said that he could not look at the pictures on the site if he stated his true age. I do not plan to chat with this kid again because 1) I'm afraid of getting attached and 2) if parents find the kid out, I might be accused as a stalking pedophile. If the kid messages me again, how should I tell him this?
Behold, how good and how pleasant it is
For brothers to dwell together in unity!
Ps 133:1 NASB
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Hey Macky, I notice you use that H Clinton weasel verb to mis-state. On this side of the pond we use the verb to lie.
Hugs
Nigel
I dream of boys with big bulges in their trousers,
Never of girls with big bulges in their blouses.
…and look forward to meeting you in Cóito.
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Macky
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Really getting into it |
Location: USA
Registered: November 2008
Messages: 973
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Maybe it's an American thing Nigel. I don't think I've ever called anyone a liar. Maybe because of what my elderly childhood friend used to tell me. "Man called a man a liar out west, and he did not live long enough to see the smoke."
Behold, how good and how pleasant it is
For brothers to dwell together in unity!
Ps 133:1 NASB
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13756
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You know, this fear of kids is bizarre. As long as you keep the discussions upbeat and away from sex no-one can accuse you of anything.
Kids need role models. Be a fine upstanding one.
Ashley was not much older when he and I met. He needed someone who liked him as a person, not as a sex object because he is blond and easy on the eye. And we got to know each other well, and with the blessing of his family.
So tell him you will be his good friend, but never, not ever, do or suggest anything sexual with him. Heck, you wouldn't with the 20 y/o, so why with the 14 y/o?
And the lad is welcome here, whatever age he is.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Macky
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Really getting into it |
Location: USA
Registered: November 2008
Messages: 973
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It is a shame. I'm sure that there are a lot of bad role models on that chat and probably some who would try to exploit the kid. Protecting kids from these types is good. But the protective net is cast so wide that well meaning mentors are afraid to get involved. And the place that mentoring would mean the most is the place where they sneak off to to hide their secret from everyone. I wonder how my life would have been different if I had a well meaning mentor at that age. My wife asked me not to get involved, so I won't chat with him anymore. But if he contacts me, I will tell him about APOS.
Behold, how good and how pleasant it is
For brothers to dwell together in unity!
Ps 133:1 NASB
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13756
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I would never suggest you go against your wife's request. Do invite him here, yes. He can make of us what he will.
I'm sure we have folk who would try to take advantage of him, but equally he will be aware of that.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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My best advice would be... don't continue talking to him. Because you met him in a gay chat, you will never be sure who the person on the other side will be. He might be a 14 year old or a police officer posing as 14 year old that said he was 20 at first. pretty much anything can be use against you because you met him in a gay chat; even though, your intentions might be good.
If he never would have told you he was underage - but in reality he was - then your best defense would be you just didn't know he was underage. in your mind you were talking to a 20 year old. However, as soon as he mentioned he was 14 and you continue talking to him, then i'm sure you can imagine the accusations that can arise from that. isn't that what pedophiles do? try to be someone's friend, usually gain their trust, etc. I'm not saying that is what you are, but those are things other people can conclude.
So, follow your wife's advice. don't talk to him. do what tim suggests,tell him about this place. if he really is a 14 year old and needs some place to get questions answered, this will be the right place to start looking for those answers. there are a lot of resources here and other people can suggest other places where he can get his questions answered. I found this place when i was 16... now i'm almost 22 and i'm still coming here ;-D
Take care
M
You don't love someone because they are beautiful, they are beautiful because you love them.
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Macky
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Really getting into it |
Location: USA
Registered: November 2008
Messages: 973
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Thanks M, very perceptive. 22!! You're still a baby...but you're a smart lad!
Behold, how good and how pleasant it is
For brothers to dwell together in unity!
Ps 133:1 NASB
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I've always worked around older people older than me. I'm everybody's baby hehehe. I'm used to being told I'm just a baby when they ask my age.
You don't love someone because they are beautiful, they are beautiful because you love them.
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ray2x
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Really getting into it |
Location: USA
Registered: April 2009
Messages: 429
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That was very sage advice, M. I wouldn't care if your 22 or 82. The wisdom is the important thing.
I've always been leery about chat rooms. Being a teacher, I have to exercise care. Maybe I'm not so expert at chatting online. But, I risk some if I go on any chat room and that could be used against ol' Mundo. But then I also feel I'm missing some good comradrie with other guys. Being here is a bit of a risk but I'm not feeling too much of a risk now. I just have to exercise good sense.
Raymundo
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I wonder whether I am foolish, then, M. I am ready to talk to anyone- even to invite it. I have sometimes spent an hour on Yahoo Answers in the LGBT section offering my two bits to correspondents who seem to be very young sometimes. Perhaps Yahoo Answers is as protective a shell as this one. And, yes I do sometimes suggest they look here and I also sometimes suggest the Mailcrew for those still at school.
Should I be more fearful? Am I taking great risks? I certainly don't try to cover my tracks and anyone with half a search engine can associate acam with me at 11 Auburn Road in Bristol who is not even ex-directory so anyone can look up his telephone number easily.
Maybe I need your advice!
Love,
Anthony
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Macky
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Really getting into it |
Location: USA
Registered: November 2008
Messages: 973
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There seems to be quite a variety in gay chats. I would call some "hook up" sites where guys meet. Then there are the cybersex places where guys talk dirty. I find you can strike up a decent chat on either of these types even if you are not into hooking up or cybering. My current favorite is menchats.com/friendly. Guys just joke around and have laughs there. If you have a hard time chatting, a place like this will get u started. When you enter the room, everyone greets u, giving u an open for a pleasant exchange.
Behold, how good and how pleasant it is
For brothers to dwell together in unity!
Ps 133:1 NASB
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WOW how time flys, I remember you being 16 when you first came here but didn't realize you were 22 now!
LOL this showed up in the wrong place.
And ya know M I was just thinking you've always shown a lot of wisdom for one so young...
[Updated on: Thu, 23 April 2009 13:23]
People will tell you where they've gone
They'll tell you where to go
But till you get there yourself you never really know
Where some have found their paradise
Other's just come to harm
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I said almost 22  . Not there yet. I do look a lot younger though. Most people when they first meet me think i'm around 16/17. When i go to gay bars... i get carded at the entrance and a lot of the times, even by the bartender. I guess all i can do is take it as a compliment because i can feel younger than i really am.
Time does fly. Feels like yesturday when i started reading Chris and Nigel.
Such a great story tim.
You don't love someone because they are beautiful, they are beautiful because you love them.
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I think you should be a little more careful as to how you might approach a situation in which a person confesses to you he is a minor. It doesn't mean you should change who you are and stop being friendly. There is nothing wrong with talking. However, in my opinion, it does matter where an adult might strike a conversation with a minor and what the sugget matter of that coversation could be.
The only place an adult should be talking to a minor about sexuality is in a place designed to address those issues. Certainly not in a chatroom because like Macky mentioned, there a lot of bad role models in chatrooms that will have hidden agendas. The people that actually care to help would be marked as the bad apples. The reality is, however, minors do visit those sites to meet other gay people like them because they are a lot easier to find and they believe no one will find out. I know i went to many of those sites when i was younger. Like i said before, the best thing an adult can do is direct them to the proper place in which they can receive better help. I don't think it would morally correct to turn down a cry for help, the kid might actually need help. On the other hand, you will do a lot more help for that person if you give him the resources to find the answers he needs, instead of trying to handle the situation yourself, when there is the possibility things might get too involved. Because of today's laws, a mountain of trouble will be ahead of you if authorities find out you were talking to a minor about sexuality and you had no credentials saying you are trained to handle those situations. I would imagine it would not be easy to try to clear your name.
So in short, just be a more careful.
In my opinion, if someone wants to take it upon themselves to try to help trouble kids, then why not join an organization where you can provide that type of help in a safe environment. I don't believe it is something that should be done at home, behind a computer. The line between a helping adult and an adult with a hidden agenda will easily be blurred if you decide to go that route.
Just my 2 cents.
You don't love someone because they are beautiful, they are beautiful because you love them.
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13756
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The answer, as always, depends on one's motives.
I have never yet turned anyone away, nor have I sought them out actively. I meet them online as potential friends, not for sexual adventures. And I have met in person a great many of those whom I have met first online.
One is as foolish as one wishes to be, I think.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Arranging meetings with adults is one thing. Making friends with adults is one thing. Developing a bond with an adult is one thing.
Doing those things with a minor is, in my opinion, walking a fine line.
Your motives might as well be good. It might not be sexual in nature. You might just provide the help the child needs. Still, steps should be taken to direct the minor to the proper professionals.
I do agree with you. It would not be sensible to turn someone away. I wouldn't do it either. However, i would try to help the person by showing him where to go for help, so that way, my intention will stay good.
This is all my opinion, of course.
Am i missing something here timmy? Are my thoughts in the right track?
I have met a lot of people online, too. Not against it. My only concern is the way to handle a situation in which a minor approaches you, the case being like that in a chatroom.
[Updated on: Thu, 23 April 2009 18:00]
You don't love someone because they are beautiful, they are beautiful because you love them.
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13756
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I think it might be useful to ask Ashley. He is by no means the most youthful I've met and seem to have helped. He and I have not met in person, the distance is too great. He introduced me to his father.
A lad in New Zealand asked me to help him come out to his mother, so we arranged that I phoned her.
Are you missing something? No. You are living your life by guidelines that are important to you. There is no reason to change.
There was Stephen the homophobe who had been abused since he was six by a nasty predator. He is now relaxed with gay people and understands and appreciated the difference between homosexual men and child molesters. He's very damaged, but surprisingly well balanced, too. I think I, among others, helped him.
I don't visit chat rooms, and I certainly don't solicit anyone of any age to talk to me. But, when they do, I show them options for the route ahead. They chose between those options and others they are considering.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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