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Ever have those days where u just wanna curl into bed and cry?
I woke up this morning and I just feel like crap, like most of my friends are going on a trip to Europe for school, so they wont be around to hang out with. my best friend like ever, Josh and look up to is busy so it sucks, it sucks bad.
Yay another vacation where I sit at home.
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saben
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On fire! |
Registered: May 2003
Messages: 1537
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Yup... today is one of those days.
Look at this tree. I cannot make it blossom when it suits me nor make it bear fruit before its time [...] No matter what you do, that seed will grow to be a peach tree. You may wish for an apple or an orange, but you will get a peach.
Master Oogway
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it hurts alot and no one in my "Physical" reality, (people that can touch me and help me like real life) seems to give a damn
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I guess I am lucky because I have parents who are totally touchy feelie and when I get down sometimes they sense it and respond to it. Also I found out that just inventing something to do and getting busy gets me motivated again. Also my dad is always ready to find stuff for me to do around the house or yard if I act bored or down! LOL. These things are always not so fun as the things I could think up on my own.
I dont mean to be Pollyanna but sometimes you just have to entertain yourself and not think about the shit and think about the sugar.
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Macky
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Really getting into it |
Location: USA
Registered: November 2008
Messages: 973
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Hi Jordan,
Sorry you are in one of those shitty times of life. It will pass. There's fun out there somewhere. I've always had a problem with depression myself and know how it can sap your energy.
You are great and the depression is the malfactor here. Sometimes I recall a song from an old variety show, where they make fun of feeling down. The show was Hee Haw and the song went like this:
Gloom, despare, and agony on me
Deep dark depression
Excessive misery
If it weren't for bad luck
I'd have no luck at all,
Gloom despare and agony on me.
And don't laugh, but I have always found that dancing helps. Any physical exercise does really.
Hope you pull out of it quickly.
Max
Behold, how good and how pleasant it is
For brothers to dwell together in unity!
Ps 133:1 NASB
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Jordan, those who become depressed by life certainly won't like the only other alternative...you need a project.
I don't mean a simple thing to do, you have the whole summer to spend on it. I would love weeks off to work on my stories. The answer is out there, you just have to find the right one, and so I give these examples:
Plant a garden, I don't know your limitations on that. Don't know anything about gardening, read a few manuals and try.
Volunteer for a community service project. There are lots of organizations that will help you. Go fix a roof, paint a house, make some old folks happy. Sometimes just spending time at a home for the elderly reading to them is a good project.
Learn a new subject, volunteer at a soup kitchen. I did those things when I was in high school and then wrote about them for extra credit in my social studies class that fall.
Right now your focus is on yourself and the misery you feel, go look at the misery of others and count your blessings. Take an armload of old clothes to the local homeless mission, invite your neighbors to donate and fill the car. All these are feel good things that will improve your self esteem.
And somewhere along the way you will meet new people and share ideas, that's what life is all about. What are you waiting for?
Hugs,
Chris
Age appears to be best in four things; old wood best to burn, old wine to drink, old friends to trust, and old authors to read. (Sir Francis Bacon 1561-1626)
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I do write stories 
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... published any of them? This could be on-line through your blog, of that of friends or family, or a story archive; in your school yearbook or newspaper?
We here at A Place Of Safety love stories; iomfats.org's story shelf being in all likelihood the catalyst, or starting point, for our participating here at A Place of Safety at all. I know this is the case with my being here. I followed a link from somewhere (I have no idea where now, it being ten years or more ago) and in replying to Tim's "Guest Book", I was invited to come, to rest and to take a look around. I did, have done, and have remained here ever since.
Would you let us read some of your stories?
Warren C. E. Austin
The Gay Deceiver
Toronto, Canada
[Updated on: Fri, 26 March 2010 22:55]
"... comme recherché qu'un délice callipygian"
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I'm a volunteer proof-reader/editor (if you need one).
Love,
Anthony
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There you go, you aren't alone just under-appreciated. I can't think of a day so blue when I can't use the feeling to write. Some of the best energy I've ever had to write came from life situations I thought were out of control.
So put down the television remote, and turn on some music that moves you. A summer is long enough to turn out a novella. The best part would be writing something so inspired, so filled with feeling that it sells a million copies and you find yourself rolling in royalties. Nothing sad about that! 
Age appears to be best in four things; old wood best to burn, old wine to drink, old friends to trust, and old authors to read. (Sir Francis Bacon 1561-1626)
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its 70 pages 18539 words, Rycerz' and SLyter's Tale
oh and Edit: its not done yet
[Updated on: Fri, 26 March 2010 21:38] |
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Yup - just gone midnight when my young friend announced he wasn't going back to hospital, he was convinced he'll be dead in six months and there's no point taking the tablets. Eventually persuaded him to be sensible ... only got 3 hours sleep through worry, then two hours trying to wake him up and get him to hospital to take his medications - thankfully, it will be thrice-weekly home visits for the next fortnight. Then hanging around for my own set of tests - depressing as hell, in a really shitty (but world-leading in the speciality of HIV+TB patients) clinic.
The only bright spot was the X-ray: it took three attempts because the nurse said that I was much "too long for her" - occasioning a number of ribald comments from both my young partner and his mother! Giving blood sample was the usual hell for me - yes, I do faint at the sight of needles, but it wasn't so bad when my head was cradled in the arms of the lad.
Now a nervous wait - I should know on Monday whether I have active and infectious TB, but it may take up to eight weeks to culture samples to see if I'm clear of the disease entirely. I'm not really emotionally equipped to deal with the uncertainty and half of me hopes that I do have TB so that can share my partners experience and keep him motivated, half of me is shit-scared (not least because of having to tell my mother : her husband had TB in his 3rd year at Uni, and it was a year of which she has hellish memories).
Today sucks big-time.
"The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral, begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy. ... Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night devoid of stars." Martin Luther King
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13751
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Does the much vaunted BCG not offer protection?
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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You do have your hands full; and not just today, or so it seems from entries I've read in your blog.
What is "the youngster's" first name? I can't recall if you've ever told us; but, knowing this will make it easier for all concerned to discuss him, and your interest in him.
Your most significant hurdle in dealing with the youth, and his problems, has apparently been passed, what with his considering you his "responsible adult", him living part-time with you, and your having met his mother and other family.
Combating his depression, and arising from its' bouts, his neglecting his meds regimen will be your biggest ongoing tour-de-force for the foreseeable future. The constancy of your own health and welfare is paramount, as stability in your life, and it's routines will only help foster and engender these self-same virtues in him at a time when he needs them to be rock solid and immutable.
Ryan, and his weening himself of crack-cocaine (he did this cold turkey) was by no means an easy task, either to witness, or support as I did for almost a year until he was confident that he could make it on his own; but, I do have to say it appears to have been a cake-walk in comparison to the trials faced and yet to be faced by your young charge. All I can tell you, and through you tell him, is that it is possible to do this; that his life will change dramatically for the better having suffered through it all; and when all is said and done and he (and you) have recovered sufficiently from the ordeal to look back on it as simply one of many "a rite of passage" and not the entire journey, both of you will be better for having taken it together.
Warren C. E. Austin
The Gay Deceiver
Toronto, Canada
"... comme recherché qu'un délice callipygian"
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BCG offers about a 70% protection to those with a healthy immune system (me, as far as I know). Those with seriously compromised immune systems (transplant meds, HIV, etc) get much less protection, and the lad is HIV+ from birth. Info courtesy of the very helpful Head TB nurse, who both the lad and I fancy considerably!
Both the youngster and I received full BCG's as kids. It hasn't protected him, and I'm not thinking that 70% is particularly good odds for me, especially as we've effectively been sharing a room for at least sixteen hours a day, and the same bed (cuddles not sex: him above the covers due to night sweats, me beneath the covers for warmth) several times in the past month ... just about the maximum level of exposure imaginable, in fact.
"The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral, begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy. ... Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night devoid of stars." Martin Luther King
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13751
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It is not the quantity or quality of the exposure that is important, but the level of protection you have. This is not, I think "70% per exposure" but "70% protection". It doesn't mean you won't worry. 99% protection and you would still worry, but I think you may be less stressed about it that you otherwise might.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Thanks for that. I'm reluctant to share his name here or elsewhere on the net, so it's probably best just to think of him as my partner (he seems to think of himself as my husband-to-be, though that implies a sexual relationship which I don't really see developing).
He's been off needles for nearly a year, though his veins are so screwed that when the hospital tried for 20ml of blood they could only get about 4 ml at six attempts at assorted veins. Massive daily methadone doses (about 15 times what would be a lethal dose for a non-addict) keep him fairly stable, and he'd achieved that largely on his own willpower before we became close. Unfortunately, major mood-swings are typical of methadone users ... He still smokes a bit (though not in my house!), though I'm hoping that he can cut the crack out and stick to heroin ... much less physically destructive, and at present that counts a great deal. At least we're able to be honest with each other about it, which counts for a lot.
Although I'm off work until after Easter, largely as a health precaution, partly to look after him, I think the regularity of me being away for part of four days a week is an important structure to preserve for the future. And I myself do need some routine - after all, I am a retired Local Government Officer of a fairly staid and unexciting disposition ... it's as strong and valid a part of me as the unconventional and unpredictable element that has led to this lad becoming a major part of my life, and someone that I love in a way that is not fully parental, and not fully sexual, but some curious hybrid that we're still working on.
Despite the current setbacks, he is pretty determined not to return to his old life, and I will do everything in my power to help him move forward to life as an effective and functional adult, rather than the child victim he (with some justification) has tended to see himself as.
"The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral, begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy. ... Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night devoid of stars." Martin Luther King
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