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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13751
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I just want to reflect on this for a moment.
Nathan was on the streets for his own reasons. But he was a son, perhaps a brother. He was working a hard trade in order to survive. And he was swatted for someone else's pleasure.
He bought two boys in order to kill them.
There is no-one's child that deserves to die in that manner.
Surviving the ordeal must have been difficult, too. Nathan was, at least. dead. I hope it was fast. I hope the first blow killed him outright. But being the survivor...
Hermes, how can anyone cope after that?
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13751
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There is more to tell here. only you know what there is to say, but 'thick skin' is just saying "I coped".
You have never forgotten him.
Even though the sex was a command performance, I have no doubt that it was enjoyed to a degree until that point. That experience must have done many things to you.
How, for example, could you trust a client again?
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13751
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Hermes wrote:
> timmy wrote:
> > There is more to tell here. only you know what there is to say, but 'thick skin' is just saying "I coped".
>
> During my time as a psychotherapist I came across many who answered questions with less than full explanations. It's a common enough response. It's safe. It allows you to answer sufficiently to get on to the next point.
Forgive me, I read the rest and I grieve for him all unknowing. But I am looking at this part. That is why I ask, in a way, your forgiveness. As with a psychotherapist you are in full control of the dialogue. It can be as safe as you like. Or it can be risky and can let you make a difference.
Do you still choose safety? Answer so this time and I'll respect the answer until you choose to change it. That could be for your lifetime.
Or do you risk whatever comes next?
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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saben
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On fire! |
Registered: May 2003
Messages: 1537
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Were you ever armed by way of a precaution or did you just count on your ability to run?
I imagine it would have been weird the next time you had a client? Was it long after? What about the next time you had a client you shared with another boy?
I guess by that stage it was far too late to go home. I can imagine how much you must have wanted to, though.
And I thought it was bad my mum getting angry and throwing plates around the kitchen/ attacking the dining table with a carving knife over boyfriends...
I haven't even really had to face up to death in any real way at 25. I did lose my "older sister" a 16 year old dog in my teens. But her time was up so it was easy for me to cope with. I don't know how many times you'd shared yourself emotionally with other boys but if my first love, Matt had died... It was bad enough for me that I lost contact with him abruptly and never got to say goodbye... I guess you HAD to stay together.
I guess since the guy went to jail you had no chance at revenge. I'd want to kill the mother fucker, though. I really would.
I'm not really asking questions. Just trying to imagine what it might be like. It's a foreign life, though.
Look at this tree. I cannot make it blossom when it suits me nor make it bear fruit before its time [...] No matter what you do, that seed will grow to be a peach tree. You may wish for an apple or an orange, but you will get a peach.
Master Oogway
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saben
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On fire! |
Registered: May 2003
Messages: 1537
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Something that springs to mind (a little inspired by the other topic). Did you ever want to end it? Ever just want to die? I've struggled to keep things and myself together in my fairly tame life. Are most street kids by nature fighters that wouldn't want to die? Or is there a big risk of suicide on top of the other challenges?
Or if not die did you ever have days where you just felt like crawling under a rock, not waking up, just not going to jobs, etc. Or is it true when they say depression is a self-indulgent luxury that the starving can't afford?
Look at this tree. I cannot make it blossom when it suits me nor make it bear fruit before its time [...] No matter what you do, that seed will grow to be a peach tree. You may wish for an apple or an orange, but you will get a peach.
Master Oogway
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saben
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On fire! |
Registered: May 2003
Messages: 1537
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Hermes wrote:
> Saben wrote:
> >
> > I guess by that stage it was far too late to go home. I can imagine how much you must have wanted to, though.
>
> I eventually did go home. After I met Richard. He insisted on it.
Sorry if I was unclear, I meant (immediately) after Nathan's death.
For me, my instinct would be run away, leave that environment and return to something familiar. Was The Strip more familiar than your family by then?
Look at this tree. I cannot make it blossom when it suits me nor make it bear fruit before its time [...] No matter what you do, that seed will grow to be a peach tree. You may wish for an apple or an orange, but you will get a peach.
Master Oogway
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13751
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Both sides do. Every time I've helped someone one on one I've helped myself sometimes as much.
I think the next notch on the increment is down to you, isn't it? The problem with the question is that it is enormous. "How did you cope?" is huge. What part of it will you take first?
And no, I think I was apologising to all for zeroing in on the area that is potentially (though not in view of your earlier answer necessarily) the most raw.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13751
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It is.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Hermes wrote..
> What I missed were relationships. The feeling that who I was having sex with meant something more than just getting off.
I don't have a question per se, as timmy and saben have asked some very good questions, but i do want you to expand on this concept.
In previous posts you mentioned often other boys recommended "trustworthy" clients. I assume,after a while, you kept going back to the same clients, or regulars as i would call them.
Can you describe the type of relationships that formed?
>Note: I would like to focus more on the friendship/emotional side rather than the sexual
In the last couple of years, i have met guys (17-24 years of age)that brag about having "Sugar Daddies". Sugar Daddies usually being older gentlemen that in exchange for sex and affection pamper and spoil young men with presents, money, etc. I imagine such relationships are one sided, as in feelings flow in one direction (usually daddy to teen). However, it doesn't mean neither party benefits from such agreements.
When i think about what i would do, i can't imagine agreeing to spending my time with someone at i least didn't find interesting. I mean, i would like to develop some type of meaningful relationship in the hope that when i'm having sex with this person, it means more than just getting off as you explained in your reply.
I would like to share a story. Last winter i went to visit a friend that is always talking about his "daddies" and how they give him stuff. It was a boring cold night when we agreed that it would be nice to relax in a jacuzzi. He told me he knew a guy that owns beautiful cabin in the mountains. The guy is an older college professor and he frequently invites young guys to use his jacuzzi under one condition: you have to get in naked. I trusted my friend and agreed to pay a visit to his friend. I figured my friend did this often so he knew what he was doing. I confess i was a bit nervous. I have never done something like that. We didn't go for sex and certainly were not getting any money for it. We went because we wanted to use the jacuzzi. To my surprise, the guy was very nice. His house was amazing! After admiring his home,we proceeded to the jacuzzi. All three of us took our clothes off and soon were sitting around the jacuzzi talking, drinking a beer, and simply having a good time. After an hour or so, my friend and i got ready and went home.
What is the point of my story? I admit that i actually would had love to get to know the guy. My friend said the first time he met him, the guy gave $150 for a blow job. Would i love to get presents and money? Yes. But more so than that, i would also love to get to know the person in order to make experience more tolerable. I know a lot of the people with daddies don't particular care about the person...once the presents stop coming, they move on to the next.
Sorry, i got a little carried away. I guess, i'm just curious to know why you would miss the relationships.
Sincerely,
M.
You don't love someone because they are beautiful, they are beautiful because you love them.
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