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You are here: Home > Forum > A Place of Safety > General Talk > Unwanted Attention: I Feel Harassed
Unwanted Attention: I Feel Harassed  [message #68282] Sun, 26 January 2014 17:53 Go to next message
IslandDweller is currently offline  IslandDweller   Philippines

Getting started
Location: Philippines
Registered: February 2013
Messages: 7




Hello everyone. I apologize in advance for my ranting but I just want to let this out and hear some insights.
So here it goes... Just a little back story.

Back at freshman college I became friends with this guy (I'll name him Kris). I have already heard bad rumors about some arrogant guy circulating around school but I did not realize that it was him. We really hit it off, he wasn't OUT yet at the time but it was pretty obvious to me that he was gay. I was giving him hints that he was not alone on that department, and I let him confront me about it first. So there I was, I finally had someone to talk about being gay; it was refreshing to say the least.

He later told me that high school was hell for him; was out casted. He had few friends and a lot of enemies (so he said). He was already gaining bad publicity at school (Too late did I realize that he has a bad attitude).

One day while having lunch with some classmates, my tongue slipped and commented on how cute another boy was. I was immediately confronted. By that time I was already comfortable with my sexuality, but I had no intention of outing myself. But I did. They asked directly; I answered directly. Not a month has passed and I have already outed myself. And I regret nothing. It turns out that everyone was liberal minded at our university.

Now Kris and I were always hanging out together during free periods, my friends became his friends and vice versa. Everyone already knew I'm gay. And there I was hanging out with Kris who is so obviously gay. He's always carrying around a huge ass fan like some old Spanish lady (he was on the large size by the way). He too was outed sooner than later (I may have had a hand with that).

And here is where my dilemma starts. I somewhat became his councilor, I listened to his problems and tried to give advice whenever appropriate. I found out a lot about him. One that struck me the most is that he sees himself as a woman; and that he has plans to undergo operation. Analyzing the psyche of someone that has up till then had not any friends of the same persuasion it was obviously that he would cling to any chance of a relationship. By the time of our second semester he was already declaring his love for me (and still is). Which of course I rejected (and still rejecting). He just isn't my type. But he is unwavering. He kept pushing himself on to me. A friendly rumor had already spread that we were a couple, in which I actively deny (even the upperclassmen are intrigued). We're still friends, I mean I had already discussed boundaries with him, but he keeps on breaking them. But I don't want to resort to violent behavior on my part, so I have grown to put up with it.

He has deep rooted issues that has affected his entire being. It revolved around the first guy he had feelings for back in his high school that had rejected him. He already had murderous intentions toward the guy. I was starting to be afraid for my own security.

Other people too had gotten used to his antics toward me. We're all friends and they are teasing me about the whole thing, but they feel sorry for me too. They were already suggesting that I report to the our Gender Development Center, so that I could raise my issue there and find counsel. But the funny thing is that they feel sorry for Kris more! I mean he just looks so pitiful. Our friends already know that he has issues and they're being kind about it.

I can tolerate some admiration, but my real beef with him is that he's still claiming me as his! Whenever I get close to my girl friends, he would suddenly threaten the girl. Of course, they are all empty threats (so far). But I'm a touchy feely person and I hug girls all the time. And it irritates me whenever he does that. Even during class, even in front of the teacher!

But basing on his behavior I could readily deduce that he does not really have any feelings for me. Its all just a facade to protect himself. I know who he really likes. But I like the same guy. But he's straight (so far). It's only recently that I have made moves on the guy (only playfully). I could only guess what's going on in his mind. The boy he says he likes is making moves on the boy he actually likes. I fear for my situation...

Wooh, what a whopper, I didn't expect this to be quite long. Well I'm glad I finally got some of that out of my system. I'm lucky that I had stumbled across this site back in high school. Helped me realize things. Thanks for listening.
Re: Unwanted Attention: I Feel Harassed  [message #68283 is a reply to message #68282] Sun, 26 January 2014 18:44 Go to previous messageGo to next message
timmy   United Kingdom

Has no life at all
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13497



That sounds like a large size issue, but try breaking it into compartments so you can deal with it. Let me try to explain by seeing if I can précis it into compartments.

One:

You are gay and out, and are happy to be gay and out

Two:

Kris is a good friend, that is you are his good friend, whatever his true feelings are towards you

Three:

Kris is out, but you express it in a way that he is less content about that than he might be

Four:

As a good friend, you listen to Kris and help him with his problems to the best of your ability

Five:

Because Kris has express murderous feelings towards a man he adored you have concerns that he is genuinely violent.

Six:

The concerns about possible violence are increased because Kris expresses some form of ownership of you, and you have transferred those concerns to yourself in case you reject him. Indeed he has already made some casual threats to those whom you have hugged

Seven:

You are in a non-love love triangle, and the only thing you see ahead is grief, the more so since the third person is heterosexual (you say "so far" but folk who are heterosexual are unlikely to be bisexual). Again the concerns about possible violence are heightened because Kris is insecure in himself and expresses himself as violent.

-------------

Has that helped any? I have disregarded anyone's advice for you to speak to a counsellor so far. I just wanted to make sure I have it right.

If I have it right, does stating it this way clarify anything at all for you, and help you consider a road forward? There are several roads, but you need to identify them and decide which to follow.





Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
Re: Unwanted Attention: I Feel Harassed  [message #68284 is a reply to message #68283] Mon, 27 January 2014 00:34 Go to previous messageGo to next message
IslandDweller is currently offline  IslandDweller   Philippines

Getting started
Location: Philippines
Registered: February 2013
Messages: 7




Thank you so much for the reply. Breaking down the situation (which I couldn't really do well) has let me see the whole situation again but from a more organized perspective. And you got it all correctly. I still don't have any course of action; but identifying what the problems really are, I think I could manage to do some patchwork without the help of the office. I guess it's mainly about the ownership thing... I hate being restricted. His mind is already set, and I cannot change a person. But just as long he doesn't turn 'loco' on me, I think it would still be bearable. The only solution (which is absolutely not viable at the moment) I see is a transfer of schools (either me or him), but that would just be a last resort.

Thank you again for your time.
Re: Unwanted Attention: I Feel Harassed  [message #68285 is a reply to message #68284] Mon, 27 January 2014 11:21 Go to previous messageGo to next message
timmy   United Kingdom

Has no life at all
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13497



The logical thing is to set aside those compartments that are only about you, and to consider a route for those where Kris has an impact on your life.

A route might be to talk to him over a coffee in a public yet private location (university coffee bar, for example), and to explain with kindness yet assertiveness that you are his good friend, and that is how you see yourself remaining, and that you will be there for him as a friend to do your best to help him sort out his difficulties.

This conversation could lead, though not necessarily at that point, to a discussion about the issue that you love his friendship but are not emotionally linked to him for more than simple and good friendship. If that goes well then you can discuss the fact that he expresses proprietorial rights over you, that you know he's teasing, and that the time is right to stop that. Again this needs to be in public. It is important that you leave the conversation as friends.

This is by no means the only route forward. You may see other routes open up at once, as may others here. Dealing with this is important but it is probably not urgent, unless you feel it to be urgent. There is time for detailed thought.

Be very clear, though, that threats of physical harm are not a joke. "Kris, please don't say things like that" may be a useful strategy.



Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
Re: Unwanted Attention: I Feel Harassed  [message #68286 is a reply to message #68285] Mon, 27 January 2014 16:04 Go to previous messageGo to next message
timmy   United Kingdom

Has no life at all
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13497



One thing, though, strikes me as important. Back away from the heterosexual guy. You will not win him, and Kris may very well be unpleasant to you about it. Go fishing where the fish you are attracted to swim instead.



Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
Re: Unwanted Attention: I Feel Harassed  [message #68287 is a reply to message #68286] Mon, 27 January 2014 22:27 Go to previous messageGo to next message
IslandDweller is currently offline  IslandDweller   Philippines

Getting started
Location: Philippines
Registered: February 2013
Messages: 7




I think I'm going to do just that; public but private. Being upfront about things is often best, I guess. And your absolutely right, the straight guy won't budge; I'll just back away while things are still in the clear. Thanks for the advice.
Re: Unwanted Attention: I Feel Harassed  [message #68288 is a reply to message #68287] Mon, 27 January 2014 23:26 Go to previous messageGo to next message
timmy   United Kingdom

Has no life at all
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13497



In view of your concerns about Kris and his repressed violence, the public element with people around is important. Under no circumstances become emotional. Treat this as a pure business process.



Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
Re: Unwanted Attention: I Feel Harassed  [message #68353 is a reply to message #68288] Sun, 02 March 2014 09:33 Go to previous message
timmy   United Kingdom

Has no life at all
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13497



I was wondering how you handled it, if you have yet, and what the outcome has been?



Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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