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You are here: Home > Forum > A Place of Safety > General Talk > Been a while.
Been a while.  [message #71557] Sat, 14 May 2016 03:43 Go to next message
saben is currently offline  saben   Australia

On fire!

Registered: May 2003
Messages: 1537



Just thought I'd drop in and say "hi".

A lot has happened since I was the 17 year old kid that first came here. Can't believe it has been 14 years since I first visited and wrote my one and only story here.

I don't know who would even remember me. Timmy might. Others, I'm less sure.

I wonder how much my association with this place changed who I am today. I definitely had some relationships that impacted me heavily. It's weird to see how the internet how shifted and changed over the time since I was a regular here.
Re: Been a while.  [message #71562 is a reply to message #71557] Sat, 14 May 2016 13:17 Go to previous messageGo to next message
timmy   United Kingdom

Has no life at all
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13518



Are you still in/back in Japan?

And what happened to your relationship with the slightly younger gentleman?



Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
Re: Been a while.  [message #71566 is a reply to message #71562] Sun, 15 May 2016 01:54 Go to previous messageGo to next message
saben is currently offline  saben   Australia

On fire!

Registered: May 2003
Messages: 1537



I graduated University in 2011 (after struggling with depression, etc for a few years) and finally made it back in Japan in 2012. My partner wasn't allowed on a dependent visa (same sex couples aren't recognised) so was forced to travel back and forth between Aus and Japan every 3 months. Those distances made me realise that I wanted to settle down with him (during our relationship I'd always been a little bit unsure about total commitment) and I proposed at the start of 2013. A few months later on one of his forced trips back to Aus, though, he decided the opposite- that he didn't want to commit to the only person he'd ever been in a relationship with, and he broke up with me. We'd been together for 8 years. It hurt a lot, especially after I'd decided to commit to him, for him to unilaterally decide that it was over. Especially since it was a break up over distance. But in my head, I could understand his reasoning and in my heart I could kind of feel it, too. So we've been able to go forward as best friends. We still talk regularly.

I stayed in Japan until the start of this year and I'm presently back in Aus with my mum (since March). Things aren't going well here, though, so I'm probably going to be returning to Japan in July. I haven't had any serious relationships since my break up, but did fall badly in love with a Japanese guy. I think his limit was "bicurious", though, so he's still mostly interested in finding a girl and marrying. Strangely him being bicurious opened up my own sense of sexuality, too and I'm finding myself more aroused by women than I ever have. I'd still say I'm a Kinsey 5 or even 4.

I'm a little confused about what I want for my future. I have a lot of different tensions pulling me in different directions. Career and relationship are probably the two biggest factors. But I've lived over 5 years of my life in Japan now, though, too. I feel more "foreign" in Australia than I do over there... I feel that Japan is more my home. But the legal and societal boundaries around life there are bigger. And linguistic. I'm at "immigrant taxi driver" level of Japanese- I can casually talk about most things but lack accuracy and a strong technical vocabulary.

Thinking about the future has had me thinking about my past. Including the two online romances I had with people I met through here. Neither of which ended up being what I had constructed in my head.

I wonder if this place will still be around in another 14 years...
Re: Been a while.  [message #71568 is a reply to message #71566] Sun, 15 May 2016 07:49 Go to previous messageGo to next message
timmy   United Kingdom

Has no life at all
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13518



Online romances never quite end up as either party expects, and the candle burns faster than in real life, and hotter.

Elsewhere you mentioned an extortionist in your life?

I imagine this site will vanish when I die. I have no intention of doing that in the next 14 years, but who knows?



Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
Re: Been a while.  [message #71572 is a reply to message #71568] Sun, 15 May 2016 14:15 Go to previous messageGo to next message
saben is currently offline  saben   Australia

On fire!

Registered: May 2003
Messages: 1537



After my breakup I had a few more lustful affairs. Including with one guy that stole from me and took advantage of me, but because I was emotionally fragile and find it hard to set boundaries (for myself, or others) I kind of just let it continue because it was never enough to really hurt my financial situation and because I enjoyed the other aspects of our friendship.

I'm still somewhat in contact with him, although I was able to get a bit of distance between us, in the end. Partly only as I met other guys, though. If I hadn't met anyone else and had stayed lonely, I may well have allowed his abuse of me to continue.

Being, as I am, attracted to guys my junior, I ended up associating with a lot of guys who I ended up treating when we went on dates. In more than a couple of cases it sometimes got hard to fathom how much they were interested in ME and how much was just because of what I gave them... Even the guy I was badly in love with, even though I wouldn't say he was "using" me, it's hard to define where exactly on the "friend"/ "lover"/ "sugar daddy" scale our relationship fell. Somewhere in the middle of all three, I think.
It truly has been a while.  [message #71573 is a reply to message #71557] Sun, 15 May 2016 15:26 Go to previous messageGo to next message
The Gay Deceiver is currently offline  The Gay Deceiver   

Really getting into it
Location: Canada
Registered: December 2003
Messages: 869




I remember you; as I'm sure there are half-a-dozen or there about others who do too.  We are all infrequent visitors, like yourself; but, thoroughly entrenched in the fabric of this place.

Good that you've returned; am hoping you will continue to do so.






"... comme recherché qu'un délice callipygian"
Re: It truly has been a while.  [message #71587 is a reply to message #71573] Fri, 20 May 2016 06:25 Go to previous messageGo to next message
saben is currently offline  saben   Australia

On fire!

Registered: May 2003
Messages: 1537



Thanks, good to see you around, too.

It's nice to be remembered by those who you remember fondly yourself.
Re: It truly has been a while.  [message #71590 is a reply to message #71587] Fri, 20 May 2016 08:31 Go to previous messageGo to next message
timmy   United Kingdom

Has no life at all
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13518



Quote:
saben wrote on Fri, 20 May 2016 07:25Thanks, good to see you around, too.

It's nice to be remembered by those who you remember fondly yourself.

--
Going to stick around? Hope so.



Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
Re: It truly has been a while.  [message #71601 is a reply to message #71590] Sat, 21 May 2016 02:09 Go to previous messageGo to next message
saben is currently offline  saben   Australia

On fire!

Registered: May 2003
Messages: 1537



I'll try to drop in from time to time. As Warren said, it seems many people here now are rather infrequent. If checking here doesn't become a habit, I may well fade out again.

I've decided I'll be heading back to Japan around July. I think it's for the right reasons. Part of me wonders how much I'm going back to try and salvage my relationship with the guy I like, though... It's hard when the head and the heart are both involved in decision making. Your head can justify decisions that are really being made by an irrational heart.
Re: It truly has been a while.  [message #71603 is a reply to message #71601] Sat, 21 May 2016 11:39 Go to previous message
timmy   United Kingdom

Has no life at all
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13518



"Quote:"
saben wrote on Sat, 21 May 2016 03:09I'll try to drop in from time to time. As Warren said, it seems many people here now are rather infrequent. If checking here doesn't become a habit, I may well fade out again.

I've decided I'll be heading back to Japan around July. I think it's for the right reasons. Part of me wonders how much I'm going back to try and salvage my relationship with the guy I like, though... It's hard when the head and the heart are both involved in decision making. Your head can justify decisions that are really being made by an irrational heart.

--
I find that if I wonder whether I should do something I ought to be doing it already.

Decide whether this is a relationship you want or one you do not. Then act accordingly and give the decision 100% of you. It is the decision that matters. You cannot control the other person. Japan has many good looking gay young men, and a good few fugly ones, too. Enjoy spreading your wings. From everything you have said in the past you fail to give yourself permission to fly. So, if you need permission, I give it to you!

[Updated on: Sat, 21 May 2016 11:52]




Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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