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You are here: Home > Forum > A Place of Safety > General Talk > This year's anniversary is not so hard
This year's anniversary is not so hard  [message #75231] Sun, 25 November 2018 00:10 Go to next message
timmy   United Kingdom

Has no life at all
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13074



I think no-one here can fail to know that I have struggled with love, then adoration, then obsession over a boy I last met in 1970. Today in the UK it is now 25 November. It is his birthday. He is 67, nine months older than I am.

I know it is my responsibility, not his, that I fell into obsession, and has been my responsibility to come through to the other side. I have let it hurt me all my life since I was 13, even chosen to hurt myself with it. Of all the boys I fantasised over, he is the one I felt loyal to, in a bizarre manner.

http://forum.iomfats.org/?t=getfile&id=4945&private=0

He is not, today, the man the boy promised to become, but I am not, today, the man the boy promised to become either. I doubt, today, that we were even real friends. I was a puppy, scurrying round his feet hoping for some small attention. How ironic that all I ever wanted was to be his friend. I did not exhibit friendship. I exhibited need. Neediness is not an attractive trait.

Some years I have spent this date in tears and stress. "Why... If only..." and more. Well, I am why, and I created If Only.

So, John, whatever life we have left, I wish you well.



Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
Re: This year's anniversary is not so hard  [message #75233 is a reply to message #75231] Sun, 25 November 2018 11:58 Go to previous messageGo to next message
The Composer is currently offline  The Composer   United Kingdom

Getting started

Registered: September 2018
Messages: 22



What we were then is not who we are now.

One of the things that I have learned in life is that what has been, has been. Live with it.

[Updated on: Sun, 25 November 2018 11:59]

Re: This year's anniversary is not so hard  [message #75234 is a reply to message #75233] Sun, 25 November 2018 20:01 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Dominick St James is currently offline  Dominick St James   United Kingdom

Getting started

Registered: July 2018
Messages: 17



"The Composer wrote on Sun, 25 November 2018 11:58"
What we were then is not who we are now.

One of the things that I have learned in life is that what has been, has been. Live with it.

-
Nope, I disagree. What he was then is partly who he is now. When you've been deeply in love, no matter whether or not it was reciprocated, it remains inside you, throughout your life. Your perception of it will change over the years as you gain insight, but the love will remain crystal pure.

Yes, we can be callous with ourselves and in denial, but it's unhealthy. Time heals gaping wounds in our hearts and helps us to move on. And, to quote Tennyson: "Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all."
Re: This year's anniversary is not so hard  [message #75237 is a reply to message #75234] Sun, 25 November 2018 22:18 Go to previous message
timmy   United Kingdom

Has no life at all
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13074



"Dominick St James wrote on Sun, 25 November 2018 20:01"

"The Composer wrote on Sun, 25 November 2018 11:58"
What we were then is not who we are now.

One of the things that I have learned in life is that what has been, has been. Live with it.

-
Nope, I disagree. What he was then is partly who he is now. When you've been deeply in love, no matter whether or not it was reciprocated, it remains inside you, throughout your life. Your perception of it will change over the years as you gain insight, but the love will remain crystal pure.

Yes, we can be callous with ourselves and in denial, but it's unhealthy. Time heals gaping wounds in our hearts and helps us to move on. And, to quote Tennyson: "Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all."

--

I think both of you are correct, each in his own way.  For a long time I allowed the obsession to create who I was. But I was not, even then, the person I believed I was even then. I was a much smaller, more terrified version of it, though I presented confidence.

Today I am not the hugely confident person I appear to be, either. I am not over the love, the obsession, not exactly. I still would like to meet him and buy him dinner, to part afterwards. But I think he is not able to offer that kindness.

Against Tennyson, I would have been better not to have loved him, or rather to have loved him only if I had been prepared to tell him. That love has caused problems im my real relationshipp and has for the past 40 years.



Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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