A Place of Safety
I expect simple behaviours here. Friendship, and love.
Any advice should be from the perspective of the person asking, not the person giving!
We have had to make new membership moderated to combat the huge number of spammers who register
















You are here: Home > Forum > A Place of Safety > General Talk > twin flame??
twin flame??  [message #76292] Fri, 29 November 2019 00:04 Go to next message
Imgayru is currently offline  Imgayru   United States

Getting started

Registered: November 2019
Messages: 6



A "twin flame" is high-level spiritual love connection that can change the course of your life

Hi.
I've been lurking around on this site for several months. I love the stories on here and once in awhile I find a thread on this forum that i follow. Maybe this has been discussed before...but its hard to look back over so many years of forum.

I have been married for a few years...we'll say since it was made legal where i am. I am very happily married. My husband is my soul mate, my best friend. And, honestly, I feel like my marriage is getting better and better all the time.
So, what could possibly cause a problem??

About a year ago, I met a guy. We have become friends. Very good, very close friends. No, not physical friends, although, in my mind, sometimes I doubt that I would be able to say "no" if the opportunity were to come up where it could become physical.
My friend is not coming on to me. But i have feelings of love for him.
Even though he has not told me that he has any feelings toward me, there are reasons to believe that he does.
I have been upfront with him about my feelings. He seems to respect it and doesn't discourage it. Actually, he seems to ENCOURAGE it.
We've acknowledged that our friendship is stronger than any "normal" friendship.
We both tell each other that we love each other. It has come to a point to where it almost seems normal to say it.
We seem to have an uncanny connection with each other. We think the same things a lot. We sometimes finish each other's sentences.
I heard a term once, "twin flame" that seems to describe us. He's like a soul mate in some way.
My husband knows him. And he likes him. Both my husband and I see this person as a genuinely decent person. And my friend sees my husband as a friend and a wonderful husband to me.
But my friend and I have decided that some things we talk about are private and intimate between us. He does not intend to do anything that would destroy the respect that he and my husband have for each other. But we both sort of feel that our "love" feelings we have for each other is okay for us. Aside from the fact that we just think its best to keep our feelings private, we feel that we are doing nothing wrong.

I guess I could call what I have with my friend is a "crush", but its hard for me to see it as that. Something physical, although something that I think would be wonderful if it happened, is not something we are dwelling on. We are simply best friends who have a special love for each other. The love feels good. It's different from what I feel for my husband.

I guess the reason I am writing this is because, even though we have never crossed a line to a physical relationship, I feel guilty about my feelings.
I am completely in love with my husband and feeling more in love with him every day. But, I feel like I am also in love with my other "best friend".
I don't believe my husband i blind to my feelings for my friend. Quite frankly, when we are both around my friend, I don't think i am capable of hiding my feelings because of the way I look and act around him. But, I go thru life everyday keeping it all to myself, as much as possible, so as not to cause stress on my marriage.
Breaking contact with my best friend simply does not seem like a fair thing to do.

I am an older guy. And I have had my share of relationships, both good and bad. I have a great appreciation for my husband and my marriage. But I also feel like this "love" relationship with my friend is somehow necessary in my life. I am relaxed with it. I am happier as a person since these feelings have come to light, except for the guilt i feel for having the feelings.

All I ask of anyone who responds to this is that I would prefer to hear something other than it would be in my best interest to break contact with my friend.
Breaking contact with a best friend just seems like an unfair way to deal with something that, for all intents and purposes, is creating something positive in my life.
Is anyone else experiencing this or has anyone ever experienced it and had a positive outcome in the end...without disrupting everybody's life?
Re: twin flame??  [message #76293 is a reply to message #76292] Fri, 29 November 2019 00:17 Go to previous messageGo to next message
timmy   United Kingdom

Has no life at all
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13516



Before even considering an answer, I have a question.

Now you've written this down, given it to all to see, has anything changed in your thinking?



Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
Re: twin flame??  [message #76294 is a reply to message #76293] Fri, 29 November 2019 00:25 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Imgayru is currently offline  Imgayru   United States

Getting started

Registered: November 2019
Messages: 6



Timmy it is funny that you asked that question, because as I was writing it, rereading it, and editing it (somewhat),I kept asking myself if putting it out there would make me feel differently.
To answer your question...no, nothing has changed in my thinking. 
I still feel guilty about my feelings but at the same time feel that the feelings are somehow important for me.
Re: twin flame??  [message #76296 is a reply to message #76294] Fri, 29 November 2019 00:32 Go to previous messageGo to next message
timmy   United Kingdom

Has no life at all
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13516



I'm not about to give you a fast reply, nor a glib one.  Half past midnight here and I will make no sense.

What I'd like you to consider is the advice you would give someone who has just posted what you have posted. Maybe we'll agree. I'll answer tomorrow after thinking hard.

Maybe we take it in segments? I have no idea yet.



Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
Re: twin flame??  [message #76298 is a reply to message #76292] Fri, 29 November 2019 02:12 Go to previous messageGo to next message
pandareader is currently offline  pandareader   Brazil

Toe is in the water

Registered: October 2019
Messages: 51



Hi

First of all, although it´s been cause for guilt and confusion in your life, I think it´s a good thing that you have two important and loving people in your life.
As someone who has refused to cut contact with my unrequited love interest, I´m not going tell you to break contact with your friend. A "clean break" is very often advised to people get over someone so they can distance themselves, but considering what you´ve said I agree that you´d feel like your life would be poorer without your friend. 

I don´t know if I can offer any useful advice for your situation but I would like at least to lend a sympathetic ear. I just have a few questions, if you don´t mind.

Quote:
 But i have feelings of love for him.
Even though he has not told me that he has any feelings toward me, there are reasons to believe that he does.
I have been upfront with him about my feelings. He seems to respect it and doesn't discourage it. Actually, he seems to ENCOURAGE it.
We've acknowledged that our friendship is stronger than any "normal" friendship.


Quote:
We are simply best friends who have a special love for each other. The love feels good. It's different from what I feel for my husband.
I guess the reason I am writing this is because, even though we have never crossed a line to a physical relationship, I feel guilty about my feelings.
I am completely in love with my husband and feeling more in love with him every day. But, I feel like I am also in love with my other "best friend".
I don't believe my husband i blind to my feelings for my friend. 


From what you´ve said, you don´t question your love for your husband and you describe the love for your friend as something different. It seems to me that your friend knows how you feel about him but your husband doesn´t (or at least, it hasn´t been explicitly talked about), is that why you´re feeling guilty? Would you feel like there would be a way to talk to your husband about it without causing damage to your marriage?
If your husband knew about your feelings for your friend and were ok with it, would that be the best possible outcome for you? Would that be enough for your friend too, is he happy being your "twin flame" and not a romantic partner?  
 
I know I probably raised more questions than offered anything but for what it´s worth I do hope that you can find peace of mind and hopefully keep these important people in your life.
I just can offer some virtual hugs from a internet stranger. *Hugs*
Re: twin flame??  [message #76300 is a reply to message #76298] Fri, 29 November 2019 04:52 Go to previous messageGo to next message
arich is currently offline  arich   United States

Really getting into it
Location: Seaofstars
Registered: August 2003
Messages: 563



In a BPW (best possible world) , love would as in any medicinals balm, I think, do no harm. Love knows no bounds, let it be what it can be without harm.

There should be no guilt, blame or shame in love. If there is, maybe try to modify that love. I don't know, as I see Love as infinitely mailable, others maybe not so much.

I always have to add. Sometimes it's hard to know the difference between who we Love and who we want... At least that seems to have been my experience.






[Updated on: Fri, 29 November 2019 06:07]

Re: twin flame??  [message #76305 is a reply to message #76296] Fri, 29 November 2019 08:57 Go to previous messageGo to next message
timmy   United Kingdom

Has no life at all
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13516



What I am getting from what  you have written is that you have two soulmates. I think I can summarise it in the next two sentences. If not then I trust you to correct me.

With one you have what I hope is a glorious physical relationship as well as an emotional relationship that builds day by day

With the other you have a glorious emotional relationship, but not a physical one

I could try to draw conclusions from this, but I think you are the one to draw the conclusions. So I have more questions, some of which may miss the target by a long way.
  • Do you want a physical relationship with the second person?
  • Setting aside the historical concept of marriage being one to one, would this harm your marriage? Be scrupulously honest with yourself here
  • Is your love for the new man brotherly or sexual? I have a man whom I love, but have no sexual interest in.
  • Are you in "He is the one that got away"mode?
  • Are the emotions you feel worth ruining your committed partnership for?
  • What place does the new man hold in your mind in your relationship with both men?
  • Are the things you keep secret important secrets or are they trivial ones?
  • What would your husband's reaction to be were he to discover the secrets you have with the other man?
  • Can you separate sex and love? Can you do that for ever?
  • Were you to part with the new man, precisely how important would that be? I don't mean importance for a few days or weeks, I mean for decades

There are other questions. I can't think of them right now.



Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
Re: twin flame??  [message #76306 is a reply to message #76296] Fri, 29 November 2019 13:06 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Imgayru is currently offline  Imgayru   United States

Getting started

Registered: November 2019
Messages: 6



Timmy, between you and the other people who have responded and asked questions, I want to say that I'm experiencing a great appreciation for this forum. As my new day is just starting, I'm just now reading everything for the first time.

So, I'm going to start with the question you asked last night about what advise I would give.

I've learned in life not to jump to conclusions or be judgemental because we may not know the whole story... Or completely understand it.
With that being said, knowing what is going on in my own mind, I could never give anyone accurate advise based on what I wrote. I, at this point could only give a point of view based on my personal experience.
Knowing my own experience, I guess the first thing I would want to give advise on would be the feelings of guilt.
They say if you feel guilty about something, it's probably wrong.
I'm going to say that the key word there is "probably". Because, in my mind, right now, I do not feel wrong about my feelings.
What I feel more wrong about is I know how people can react to things I'm feeling and I feel my husband will react negatively without trying to understand.
With that being said...i live him dearly and I do understand this will be hard for him to swallow. His first thought is going to be "what am I lacking that's making my husband feel like this about another man".
And he is lacking NOTHING. He's an amazing, beautiful husband who has done nothing but bring joy to my life.
I simply have strong feelings of love for another person and I want that to be ok.
Re: twin flame??  [message #76307 is a reply to message #76298] Fri, 29 November 2019 13:31 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Imgayru is currently offline  Imgayru   United States

Getting started

Registered: November 2019
Messages: 6



Pandareader...you are right with everything you said. I know I should have faith that I can talk to my husband about anything but I just fear causing him to become insecure. And in this case, I don't feel like there is anything I can say to him about this that would not cause him to have insecurities. 

As far as my friend being my "twin flame" (if that is what it is) and not a sexual partner...I don't think either of us are looking at each other as a romantic partner. Now...as we talk more, who knows wat feelings will be brought forth. I think right now we're best friends who actually fear we'll say something that crosses a line. Even though we've both told each other we can say anything, there seems t be nervousness. And I think we both fear that crossing a line to something physical could do damage....even if in our minds, we would like to try it. (I know, it sounds crazy)
Re: twin flame??  [message #76308 is a reply to message #76305] Fri, 29 November 2019 13:57 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Imgayru is currently offline  Imgayru   United States

Getting started

Registered: November 2019
Messages: 6



Timmy this is to reply to all the things you asked today....

**Do I want a physical relationship....honestly, I do find him very attractive. And admittedly, I think it would be very difficult to say "no" if it was offered. I want intimacy with him. But not necessarily a sexual relationship. I know intimacy can happen without getting sexual. But I also know that there is a thin line.

**Right now, I think talking about it with my husband could cause damage. I want to think that my relationship with my friends could just continue to evolve and everybody could just learn to see it for the special relationship it is. In my mind now, it is a relationship built on a connection we have with each other...a connection that can be misinterpreted as something that, at least right now, it's not. It's not a physical or sexual relationship. It's a very strong shared love.

**is he "the one that got away"?......I'm not going to deny that if I were single, I would be pursuing more with him. But, no...he's not the one that got away. And I probably say that because, in my heart and mine, I feel my husband is a gift that was sent to me. 
I also feel that my friend is a gift. 

**are the emotions I feel worth ruining my marriage?.... nothing is worth ruining my marriage. But, I will stand up for what I feel is right. 

**in a wonderful perfect world, I could be deeply in love and be married to both men. Lol. I feel a deep emotional love for both of them. I could easily feel a romantic and physical love for both of them. And the fact that both men are good friends with each other, it would be an amazing life. Lol

**parting with my friend would devastate me. As would parting with my husband. 

I know...answers create more questions. Lol.  The reality is...people will see me as cheating. And in my heart and mind, I'm not. 
Re: twin flame??  [message #76309 is a reply to message #76308] Fri, 29 November 2019 15:14 Go to previous messageGo to next message
American_Alex   United States

Toe is in the water
Location: New York, upstate
Registered: October 2017
Messages: 98



This reminds me of some sappy song I remember from the 1970's, "It's sad to belong to someone else when the right one comes along". I used to chuckle at the overwrought lyrics, until it happened to me. I'd been happily settled-down with my partner for several years when "B" came into my life. Very tall and attractive (6'6" tall-I've always been attracted to unusual people), intelligent, adventerous, and he was smitten with me. He was nearly 20 years younger than myself, but that didn't seem to be an issue. Well, you can see where this was going, and it got to a point where I had to either break it off with him, or leave my partner. Luckily, circumstances in his life led him away from where we lived, and today we just occasionally send e-mails. He's garnered a bit of fame for himself as an author (with a REAL publishing company), so I'm glad he's done well. When I see pictures and videos of professional appearances of him today, I still get the fellings I had for him when he was the hot young man I once knew. I wonder what would've happened had I chosen the alternate path, but somehow I think we were both better off in the long run; I'm an ill, ageing man, and he's still young and vital.



"Able was I ere I saw Elba"
Re: twin flame??  [message #76312 is a reply to message #76308] Fri, 29 November 2019 17:29 Go to previous messageGo to next message
timmy   United Kingdom

Has no life at all
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13516



You are telling 'me' what the reality is, that you are 'seen as cheating'.

Aren't those your words?

What you need to decide if they are the right ones.

[Updated on: Fri, 29 November 2019 17:31]




Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
Re: twin flame??  [message #76313 is a reply to message #76312] Fri, 29 November 2019 17:54 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Imgayru is currently offline  Imgayru   United States

Getting started

Registered: November 2019
Messages: 6



It just seems to me that these days, people tend to pass judgement. I feel people think that just because a person is married, anything intimate outside of that marriage is cheating. Honestly, since I've been married to my husband, I've never even thought about cheating. But this person comes along and I find myself having strong feelings for him, and it feels like I'm supposed to make a choice.
I've even jokingly referred to my feelings for my friend as "inappropriate". But if I'm being totally honest with myself, there's nothing inappropriate about them. I guess, unless it's really wrong to feel very strong emotional love  to 2 people just because I'm married to one of those people. 
Honestly, I just want to be honest with my husband about my feelings. But I feel like if I do, he will only think the worst. And...I can't blame him. It is no worse for him to think the worst than it is for anybody else. 
What people will say it looks like is cheating. Because it's just what people think.
Re: twin flame??  [message #76314 is a reply to message #76313] Fri, 29 November 2019 18:42 Go to previous message
timmy   United Kingdom

Has no life at all
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13516



"Imgayru wrote on Fri, 29 November 2019 17:54"
It just seems to me that these days, people tend to pass judgement. I feel people think that just because a person is married, anything intimate outside of that marriage is cheating. Honestly, since I've been married to my husband, I've never even thought about cheating. But this person comes along and I find myself having strong feelings for him, and it feels like I'm supposed to make a choice.
I've even jokingly referred to my feelings for my friend as "inappropriate". But if I'm being totally honest with myself, there's nothing inappropriate about them. I guess, unless it's really wrong to feel very strong emotional love  to 2 people just because I'm married to one of those people. 
Honestly, I just want to be honest with my husband about my feelings. But I feel like if I do, he will only think the worst. And...I can't blame him. It is no worse for him to think the worst than it is for anybody else. 
What people will say it looks like is cheating. Because it's just what people think.

--
Time to get clear in your head, then. Are you cheating? Tell yourself the answer, not me.

Define 'intimate' in this context.

Why do you feel guilty? Be certain about that. Again tell yourself the answer.

We can love more than one person at a time. The challenge comes when you want to spend time with each of them. One or the other will alwasy be lonely. What's your take on that?



Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
Previous Topic: TransGender Issues
Next Topic: Discussion on behaviour, split from Faith (etc) thread
Goto Forum: