A Place of Safety
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Safety  [message #76900] Mon, 18 May 2020 07:39 Go to next message
saben is currently offline  saben   Japan

On fire!

Registered: May 2003
Messages: 1537



Well, I only seem to come back here when my life gets dramatic and I'm not sure where to turn to. It's a lot quieter than the community that existed when I first joined in 2002. It's amazing how much the world has changed and all of our lives, too.

Last year I mentioned I had been considering marrying a Japanese woman. Well I did it. I don't know if it's the right choice or not. I've been having panic attacks that I haven't had since 2016 when being rejected by a guy I loved. I'm not even sure of the source exactly though there are, obviously, problem points. We have been married and living together for 2 weeks (no ceremony or Honeymoon- just registered at city hall) and I wasn't feeling particular bad until last week when we had a fight. We resolved the fight and are getting on but the anxiety is still hitting me really hard. That fight made this marriage real, I guess. Until then it was still just existing on the level of "I want kids so that'd be cool". Fighting with her, despite reconciling has me throwing up from stress in the morning. The sex is actually less of a problem that I thought it would be. Living with another person after so many years alone, is a problem. Feeling I'm living a lie, is a problem. Feeling I've committed to something and given up my freedom is hitting me hard. Even though I haven't had a satisfying long term relationship with a guy since my ex dumped me in 2012, I guess now that possibility is closed. Even though I'm exclusively attracted to younger guys- many of whom aren't out of schooling and I know at my age such relationships aren't viable, I still hoped I could find that kind of happiness.

I don't think I want to get out of this marriage. She's a lovely girl and will be a good mother. And I want kids. I just don't know to to deal with the mass of complex emotions I'm feeling. Why is life so complicated? Why can't life be easy? Why can I never find happiness? What have I done to not deserve it?

I've been reading your book, too, timmy. I finally bought it. I don't know if it's been exacerbating my feelings or helping them. Or both. There's a lot of things I can't relate to, I think how you processed your sexuality was very different to how I did mine at similar ages. But there is a lot to relate to, too.

I didn't know where else to turn, so... here I am again. Sad A Place of Safety it is, indeed.
Re: Safety  [message #76901 is a reply to message #76900] Mon, 18 May 2020 10:33 Go to previous messageGo to next message
timmy   United Kingdom

Has no life at all
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13466



Marriage is hard work.

Start with that thought.

Marriage is a contract for a partnership, just like a business partnership. And, like a business partnership, partners need to work to stay together. Partners will row. The contract suggests that they have a duty to solve the row and to work to make the partnership work.

A marriage across sexuality is more difficult, but the same rules apply. If you love your wife then sex is simply as joyful as it can be. The mechanics are irrelevant. She just has an innie where you are used to an outie. It's bloody hard to work out if she is aroused or has had an orgasm, too. The clitoris is front and centre and hides at the operative moments.

But that is not really what you are asking about, is it?

If you married for love this will work. But arranged marriages work too, and love, or at least respect, grows. Your job, having gone into this with your eyes open, is to make it work. She's pretty brave to have married a Tasmanian. Marrying out of culture is not usual in Japan, I think.

Tell her how you are throwing up from the stress caused by your fight. Ask her how you can work together to solve rows before the escalate. Marriage is having a row about who should do the dishes, or whether Russia should declare war on China. These rows conceal the things we ought to say to each other.


The book is just how I handled it. [I wondered who my Japanese sale was to!] I did it badly. I behaved selfishly, and was really a bit of s shit, truth to tell. Thank you for having the confidence in me to buy it



Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
Re: Safety  [message #77092 is a reply to message #76901] Wed, 17 June 2020 21:38 Go to previous messageGo to next message
timmy   United Kingdom

Has no life at all
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13466



@Saben: how have your thoughts developed?



Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
Re: Safety  [message #77151 is a reply to message #77092] Thu, 23 July 2020 19:17 Go to previous messageGo to next message
dartagnon is currently offline  dartagnon   United States

Likes it here
Location: Massachusetts and Florida...
Registered: June 2003
Messages: 351




@saben

sir, if my emails returning your replies were ambiguous, allow me to be frank, direct and polite.  I wish no further corresponence from you, your agents and affiliates, any family members or any accounts related to you.  Please respect my silence, and I will respect your privacy.  I have nothing further to say to you.  Good Day, to you, sir.

Hope you are well,
Robby, aka D'Artagnon
Re: Safety  [message #77152 is a reply to message #77151] Thu, 23 July 2020 20:18 Go to previous messageGo to next message
timmy   United Kingdom

Has no life at all
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13466



"dartagnon wrote on Thu, 23 July 2020 20:17"
@saben

sir, if my emails returning your replies were ambiguous, allow me to be frank, direct and polite.  I wish no further corresponence from you, your agents and affiliates, any family members or any accounts related to you.  Please respect my silence, and I will respect your privacy.  I have nothing further to say to you.  Good Day, to you, sir.

Hope you are well,
Robby, aka D'Artagnon

--
Just  wanted to ask if you were sure!

🤪



Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
Re: Safety  [message #77153 is a reply to message #77152] Thu, 23 July 2020 20:39 Go to previous messageGo to next message
dartagnon is currently offline  dartagnon   United States

Likes it here
Location: Massachusetts and Florida...
Registered: June 2003
Messages: 351




I feel it would be inappropriate to continue that discussion openly.  I believe you can understand my reasonings there.  I want no drama.
Re: Safety  [message #77154 is a reply to message #77153] Thu, 23 July 2020 20:52 Go to previous message
timmy   United Kingdom

Has no life at all
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13466



I can. Forgive my genuinely light hearted teasing remark. You have told me some things in private message that justify your message. I shall lock this thread in just a moment



Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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