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I've recently heard from the mother of a friend of mine that her teenaged daughter has started cutting herself again. I've said what I can to help her over the immediate shock of discovering this, stuff about asserting control over something, even if the control is negative and the only thing one can control is one's own body, stuff about substituting physical pain for emotional pain, and so on. At least cutting is probably less disastrous than the emotional numbness of heroin addiction (the mother is an ex-junkie, and my friend is trying hard to come off it after relapsing for a couple of years).
Does anyone have any useful advice, or could anyone suggest any useful on-line resources (either for the adults concerned, or to filter through channels for the girl to explore herself)?
"The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral, begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy. ... Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night devoid of stars." Martin Luther King
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13771
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I have nothing hugely practical to offer except to suggest searching for people who have come through self harm and know how and why they achieved release from it. I am pretty sure we have had, in the past, a survivor here.
You might also look yourself at Alex's Guardian Angel, a tale I wish Anthony Lane would find the time to finish. I think, from reading it, that Anthony might be a useful resource in that he has experience of it, though not necessarily first hand. It would be worth asking him by email
[Updated on: Sun, 08 November 2015 15:32]
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Mark
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Likes it here |
Location: Earth
Registered: April 2013
Messages: 279
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The only thing I can think of is to tell the girl's mother to get the girl to a competent therapist immediately. (If they don't know of any therapists, they can contact their doctor's office, who should be able to provide them with a list of therapists to contact; the mother should start calling therapists on the list and not stop until she finds one who can see the daughter ASAP).
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13771
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"Mark wrote on Mon, 09 November 2015 00:09"The only thing I can think of is to tell the girl's mother to get the girl to a competent therapist immediately. (If they don't know of any therapists, they can contact their doctor's office, who should be able to provide them with a list of therapists to contact; the mother should start calling therapists on the list and not stop until she finds one who can see the daughter ASAP).
--
My guess, Mark, is that this will only be effective if the girl wants to stop. You have to be ready to stop before a therapist can help, very much like alcoholism and all other addictions.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Sadly, waiting lists for NHS mental health services are currently well in excess of six months in most areas. The only exception is if someone is compulsorily committed as an in-patient ("sectioned") for being an acute danger to themselves or others.
I've suggested that the school be brought into the situation, as it seems that a recurrence of bullying may have been the trigger for cutting to re-start. As this seems to have happened during a lesson, there can be no doubt that the school has a 'duty of care' which it has failed to carry out satisfactorily. Changing schools may be a long-term possibility, bit the longer term answer is more to do with building up the girl's sense of control and self-esteem than anything else, I think.
Sadly, I'm not in a position to help much: I'm deeply embroiled in fighting Social Services on Maurice's behalf, as Social Services have just taken both his children (18 months and eight weeks) into temporary care, which leaves me little time or energy for much else.
"The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral, begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy. ... Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night devoid of stars." Martin Luther King
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13771
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There is an argument for sectioning, but that can do a lot of harm to a vulnerable teenager, too, and looks very much like bullying, thus perpetuating the cycle. The girl's GP does need to become involved, though.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Mark
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Likes it here |
Location: Earth
Registered: April 2013
Messages: 279
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It does seem that bringing the school into this does seem like the best course of action right now. I would imagine that if U.K. schools are anything at all like U.S. schools in this regard, they should have resources available to help address situations like this (if, as Timmy points out, the daughter does not immediately wish to get help to stop, then the mother should start talking to the appropriate people to see what she can do to help her daughter).
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larkinjet
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Getting started |
Location: New England
Registered: November 2015
Messages: 7
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Cutting is a symptom of an affluent society. Unlike depression being the result of anger turned inward, cutting is frustration and rage turned inward. Cutting is more common in girls than boys who suffer from depression or engage in outright rebellion.
The desire to keep children safe has caused parents to infantilize them by postponing their independence beyond the time when they should be learning through the personal experience of failure and success. Calling a 17 year old a child deprives them of adulthood.
Decades ago, 14 and 15 year olds were already married or working and treated as adults. Today at 19 and even 20, are still subject a regime planed out by their parents. They mean well but they must let go. To hang on makes things worse.
The immediate cure for cutting is emancipation but parents resist this. This society makes demands but human nature follows its own course.
[Updated on: Fri, 13 November 2015 00:30]
“Political language is designed to make lies sound truthful and murder respectable, and to give an appearance of solidity to pure wind. ”
― George Orwell
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ChrisR
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Likes it here |
Location: Western US
Registered: October 2014
Messages: 136
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Sadly, a large number of psychologists have also signed on to the concept that "adolescence" doesn't really end until age 25. So 20+ year old 'kids' are stuck between what the shrinks are calling 'reduced culpability' and a penal system that says 8 years old is enough for first degree murder charges. Add to that the fact that everything is a "human right" these days with no clear right or wrong and it's no wonder life is frustrating.
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larkinjet
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Getting started |
Location: New England
Registered: November 2015
Messages: 7
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"NW wrote on Sun, 08 November 2015 09:52"I've recently heard from the mother of a friend of mine that her teenaged daughter has started cutting herself again. I've said what I can to help her over the immediate shock of discovering this, stuff about asserting control over something, even if the control is negative and the only thing one can control is one's own body, stuff about substituting physical pain for emotional pain, and so on. At least cutting is probably less disastrous than the emotional numbness of heroin addiction (the mother is an ex-junkie, and my friend is trying hard to come off it after relapsing for a couple of years).
Does anyone have any useful advice, or could anyone suggest any useful on-line resources (either for the adults concerned, or to filter through channels for the girl to explore herself)?
-
Chris, you are certainly right about culpability but there comes a time in life where guidance must gradually give way to personal experience.To resist this deprives a young person of learning by making their own mistakes.
However, one of the worst things in the US is trying children as adults. It is becoming increasing common to try a young person as an adult and then punish them in excess of what they might be punished if they had been an adult. After conviction is the time to consider their age but instead, "they throw the book at them."
In the US today there are 1800 people that committed their crime before they were 18 serving life with possibility of parole. Being under 18 also does not exempt a child from long periods in solitary confinement.
[Updated on: Fri, 13 November 2015 21:45]
“Political language is designed to make lies sound truthful and murder respectable, and to give an appearance of solidity to pure wind. ”
― George Orwell
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I've spoken briefly with him about this and he is willing to read this thread and advise me of suitable information for our Membership and for the lady whose daughter is in crisis. He's here now, arriving late late evening, and when he awakens will review the thread and may be able to give some insight.
Warren C. E. Austin
The Gay Deceiver
Toronto, Canada
[Updated on: Sat, 14 November 2015 13:47]
"... comme recherché qu'un délice callipygian"
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... is still awaiting your lady-friend's list of questions that he might try to answer them for her, and us, to the best of his ability.
Warren C. E. Austin
The Gay Deceiver
Toronto, Canada
"... comme recherché qu'un délice callipygian"
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... and cutting is living in my home for the time being. He has asked me several times over the past weeks if this lady with the questions has gotten the help she needed, or not. What do I tell him?
Warren C. E. Austin
The Gay Deceiver
Toronto, Canada
"... comme recherché qu'un délice callipygian"
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Can anyone answer a couple of questions?
Is there a compulsion to do this? Or is it a desire that is acted on? If so, why? Is there some kind of relief or release from cutting one's self? Is the pain a kind of catharsis? Or is it more a desire to disfigure/harm one's self out of disgust or loathing? Is it different for different people and different reasons? How do they deal with the pain. Is it a kind of reward or deemed necessary somehow? Is the pain why it's done? Or is it the harm/change/disfigurement?
raysstories.com
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