A Place of Safety
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Safety  [message #76900] Mon, 18 May 2020 07:39 Go to previous message
saben is currently offline  saben   Japan

On fire!

Registered: May 2003
Messages: 1537



Well, I only seem to come back here when my life gets dramatic and I'm not sure where to turn to. It's a lot quieter than the community that existed when I first joined in 2002. It's amazing how much the world has changed and all of our lives, too.

Last year I mentioned I had been considering marrying a Japanese woman. Well I did it. I don't know if it's the right choice or not. I've been having panic attacks that I haven't had since 2016 when being rejected by a guy I loved. I'm not even sure of the source exactly though there are, obviously, problem points. We have been married and living together for 2 weeks (no ceremony or Honeymoon- just registered at city hall) and I wasn't feeling particular bad until last week when we had a fight. We resolved the fight and are getting on but the anxiety is still hitting me really hard. That fight made this marriage real, I guess. Until then it was still just existing on the level of "I want kids so that'd be cool". Fighting with her, despite reconciling has me throwing up from stress in the morning. The sex is actually less of a problem that I thought it would be. Living with another person after so many years alone, is a problem. Feeling I'm living a lie, is a problem. Feeling I've committed to something and given up my freedom is hitting me hard. Even though I haven't had a satisfying long term relationship with a guy since my ex dumped me in 2012, I guess now that possibility is closed. Even though I'm exclusively attracted to younger guys- many of whom aren't out of schooling and I know at my age such relationships aren't viable, I still hoped I could find that kind of happiness.

I don't think I want to get out of this marriage. She's a lovely girl and will be a good mother. And I want kids. I just don't know to to deal with the mass of complex emotions I'm feeling. Why is life so complicated? Why can't life be easy? Why can I never find happiness? What have I done to not deserve it?

I've been reading your book, too, timmy. I finally bought it. I don't know if it's been exacerbating my feelings or helping them. Or both. There's a lot of things I can't relate to, I think how you processed your sexuality was very different to how I did mine at similar ages. But there is a lot to relate to, too.

I didn't know where else to turn, so... here I am again. Sad A Place of Safety it is, indeed.
 
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