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IRONY: We ignore the ones who adore us, adore the ones that ignore us, love the ones who hurt us & hurt the ones that love us.
Today I am feeling like I am at rock-bottom and starting to dig. For those who do not know my story, you can check the archives of this site for my post of March 28, 2010... or not. Whatever. Damn.
Anyone who does remember (or even cares), after 11 months of not knowing why my boyfriend (Peter) of 12 or so years suddenly stopped talking to me or even respond to my text messages, I decided a few days ago to visit him to get some closure. He is a manager of a public business so it wasn't like I was barging into an office building or anything like that.
Anyway, he seemed surprised to see me and awkwardly brushed me off with something about being busy in conference calls all day but said I could call him later. This gave me some hope that there may have been just a mis-communication and nothing more. Right. Not likely.
Today, I find that he has not only changed his number, but has un-friended me on Facebook. OK, I can take a hint. I'll leave you the fuck alone. I don't want to be one of those creepy stalker dudes. Fuck. All I wanted was some closure. A reason. Just to know why. I thought we had it good all those years and was never led to believe otherwise. The door was just slammed in my face. It sucks being a gay man who is also married. I just want the best of both worlds and don't want to hurt anyone along the way.
I torture myself, and die inside just a little bit each time I do so. I just don't know how much more of this fucking shit I can handle. Why do I have to be this way???? I just want to be a normal guy with a normal life.
Other than my virtual friends here, Peter was the only contact I had with that side of me. Now that I know for sure that he is out of my life, I feel like 80% of me has been torn away and discarded like Tuesday's trash. There is not much left of me. It hurts. I have lost.
-Peter
I prefer guys that don't come in a box.
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... I'm the most competent person here to respond to you regarding this topic; but, I do feel your anguish and want you to know that you are not entirely alone.
Humankind can, at times, be real shit-heads, and the new media and technology have only made it easier to become so should we desire.
Closure is important if not essential in most things, and this is especially true of relationships. Unfortunately, not all people are equipped with the necessary skills (or good manners) to be able to speak their mind and be truthful regarding their feelings or their intentions. It would appear that your friend is lacking in both these skills and manners; and frankly, on that account alone I personally wouldn't be giving him either the time of day or more than a passing thought; but, then again I don't have 12-years of my life invested in him either.
All I can suggest at this juncture is that you speak to us here, sharing your thoughts, and perhaps something you say may strike a chord with one of us, and we then may be able to shed some insight on how you should best handle this.
Warren C. E. Austin
The Gay Deceiver
Toronto, Canada
"... comme recherché qu'un délice callipygian"
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13751
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I'm not sure. But the thing is, though we doubt the evidence of our eyes, we know that it is over.
It's okay that it's over. Twelve years is a long time to share a love, and that doesn't make it easy that it's over, bit it is over. And you know it is over.
You won't ever know why. He probably doesn't know why either. And he seems unable to tell you even that it is over. He just avoids you.
But there is all the confirmation that you need. He has told you by his actions that it is finished.
You won't stop loving him, but you will start to realise that, as I have for the one sided love I had. have, that the object of your adoration is not the paragon of many virtues that he appeared to be. He's just some guy who is too frightened of himself to talk to you properly. He;s probably not as beautiful as you thought e was, not as witty, not as much fun to be with, either.
Now why can't I hear and embrace my own words?
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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A phrase from a Disney classic comes to mind, Timmy.
"I give myself such very good advise, but I very seldom take it."
If only we could all look inward as Alice does with the same ease with which we look outwards.
It's not the wolf you see you should fear, but all the ones he howls with. Don't be afraid of the song, but don't piss off the choir.
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kiwi
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Likes it here |
Location: New Zealand
Registered: August 2009
Messages: 317
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Peter, I've done that. I walked away from a relationship, (with a girl), and simply cut off all communication and let her work out that it was over, because i was too chicken-shit to tell her myself.
Mind you, i was only 14 at the time, madly in love with a boy and not about to tell anyone that either - but i still feel guilty about what i did.
Timmy's reply is spot-on and i could give you no better advice than that. Best of luck to you.
cheers
Commas matter - 'Party on Dudes' is not the same as 'Party on, Dudes'
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Yes Timmy, it is over. I now fully have come to accept that, and it is ok... kind of. What tortures me is the reasoning behind it. The confirmation I have, but I have always sought a reason behind every event in my life. My brain just works that way. I need reasons in order to comprehend, carry on and make whatever necessary adjustments in my life. I feel as though I have been smacked in the face with a 2X4 for no apparent purpose but to knock me down. It fucking hurts and I am bleeding profusely inside.
Part of the cause for my grief may be that this is just a bad month for me to have approached him. I don't know what I was expecting. Maybe a small part of me hoped it was a misunderstanding and he would pull me into his office, embrace me, kiss me and tell me how much he missed me. The way it actually turned out would have turned out the same regardless of the timing. Less than 2 weeks before Christmas... how could I? I suck at relationships.
The thing is, on December 30 I turn 50 years old. I am terrified and will probably have a good cry just as I did at 40. I am terrified that I am done and just have to settle back into what I have left. Youth has escaped me. I realize some of you older fellows will say it's no big deal, just as I now feel 40 was no big deal. But for me, now, it is devastating. I think subconsciously this is why I picked the time that I did. One last grasp at retaining life as I knew it.
2010 has really sucked all around. I sure freaking hope 2011 works out well, or I may not survive it.
-Peter
I prefer guys that don't come in a box.
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Thank you Warren. Whether you feel competent enough to respond to my topic or not is irrelevant. Just the fact that you did respond shows that you are at least listening. I appreciate that. It is what I need most right now, someone to listen.
I am glad you are back and in good health my friend.
-Peter
I prefer guys that don't come in a box.
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Most people have a hard enough time worrying about just one gender. When we have both in our lives, I guess we have alot more chances to hurt and be hurt.
Thank you for the response friend.
-Peter
I prefer guys that don't come in a box.
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13751
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You are, of course, doing exactly what I do. You are trying to see loopholes that would allow you to be loved by this man, or give him excuses for behaving like a shit. So et me make it as clear as I can without being brutal.
If you had been served up gift wrapped, anointed with sweet scented oils, at a time that was entirely convenient for him, when he was totally relaxed, unstressed and in a pleasant mood, he would still have found an urgent thing he had to be doing instead of talking to you in a civilised manner.
Let me give you several reasons, all irrelevant, about his inability to speak to you:- He is a wanker
- He's a total cunt
- He was never actually gay, he just never knew
- He's still a wanker
- He's gone off you
- He's a coward
- He's still a wanker
- He's being blackmailed by a 7 foot tall muscle bound hunk
- No, he's a wanker
None of those are anything special, though he is a wanker. None of them would satisfy you even if he told you so.
For my 50th birthday I had a party. At that party were family, friends online and real life. I met some online friends there for the first time. I drank, danced, had fun, was stripped naked at one point while I was chatting in the back garden and just carried on the conversation as if nothing had happened. I hate birthdays. I've hated them since I was 14 and nothing changed. But I can cope with them because they are just another day of the year.
I don't like getting older. I am no longer agile enough to sail safely. I loved sailing. Bits of my body have stopped working. I have a gut. Profile on I am not attractive. Full face on I'm passable. Sometimes this matters. Mostly it doesn't. I will never, not ever, have the touch of a young, nubile, sleek gay teenage boy unless I pay for it. But that touch is not the touch I want, the paid touch. So I am too old for the one thing I have craved all my life. Sometimes that matters. Mostly I can get by.
If I were single, would I ever find the right man?
I don't know. But I think I might.
None of this helps you except to give you comradeship in adversity. I have known for a long time that I am not alone. It helps, just not always. But I have great online friends who bring me back from tears. Some do it gently others less so, one brutally. But the only person who really brings me back is me. I'm also pretty much cried out.
[Updated on: Tue, 14 December 2010 00:18]
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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I know you are right in this Timmy. Maybe what we do is just human nature, I don't know.
He IS a wanker. I will get over him... someday. I have alot of mental healing to do and hopefully there won't be too many scars.
As for my birthday, I have a get together planned for family and friends at a local micro-brewery. It should be fun. I sincerely hope I don't wind up naked since it is a public place and December 30th could go down in history as the day some nut-job got hauled away naked to the local jail 
Not much will help my situation other than time. I need to get my head around all that has happened this year but I do appreciate the comradeship my friend, and thanks to all of you who have taken the time to listen to me. A sounding board sometimes does wonders.
-Peter
I prefer guys that don't come in a box.
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13751
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You won't get over the man. We never get over love. Why would we? Why should we?
The hurt will ease, though. But that is like the It Gets Better stuff. It won't if you wait for it. It will if you work at it. Not that I have much idea how to do that. The simple passage of time doesn't do it.
One technique is to write a letter saying everything you want to say and then mailing it, but to yourself. My technique was to mail it to the object of my loss.
That they are wankers does not make the hurt less. But it makes it understandable.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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I won't get over the man or the love, but I think you are wrong about the "we" part. He seems to have gotten over me fairly easily, and flushed me from his life. Give him a few weeks and I will probably never again cross his mind even in his loneliest moments. It sucks. I feel like I never even mattered. But this is what I have to learn to deal and live with.
It never ceases to amaze me how we as human beings can treat (or is that mistreat?) each other without a second thought.
-Peter
I prefer guys that don't come in a box.
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ray2x
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Really getting into it |
Location: USA
Registered: April 2009
Messages: 429
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That pain does hurt, Attatood. Time seems to be so cruel as to almost stop so you can feel the pain more acutely. Been there. And so far it can still hurt, even after so many years. I've lived up to 55 years now. The pains of a boyfriend being so cold or a girlfriend being rotten are part of my mosaic life. Some very old worn advise: keep on living. You won't get over it for a while though. But at least, you can gain strength from the experience.
Raymundo
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13751
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Who knows what is going through his mind? WHo knows what he feels about you? But that is so unimportant right now.
What matters is you, and that is where 'we' comes from.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Re: Why is it that we torture ourselves? 
