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You are here: Home > Forum > A Place of Safety > General Talk > That Evil Little Voice in My Head
icon9.gif That Evil Little Voice in My Head  [message #68484] Fri, 09 May 2014 16:05 Go to next message
IslandDweller is currently offline  IslandDweller   Philippines

Getting started
Location: Philippines
Registered: February 2013
Messages: 7




Recently I have noticed a little voice in my head that keeps on wanting to get me into trouble. One situation of it occurring was when someone online asked me to hatch their eggs for them (ref.to Pokemon), they worked hard to get those eggs and I am supposed to return them as soon as they hatch. But something at the back of my mind wants to betray their trust and keep the egg for myself.

It even goes beyond just the lying and scamming, it keeps on saying things like 'go ahead and punch that guy', 'hey, make those kids cry', 'they're not looking, go steal those'. I am usually able to keep my actions in check. But I'm worried about why I am even having these kind of thoughts.

And one of my biggest concerns lately concerns my first and newfound relationship with a guy I met. The voice in my head keeps telling me to hurt him, to break my promises, to break his heart. It even would also resort to attacking my own insecurities; saying I will never be good enough for him, or that I am just being lied to and he actually doesn't like me back; that I'm just being led on. We've only been dating for over a month now, but we've already expressed our commitment and how fond we are of each other. I've been constantly battling my demons.

I guess reading all that would make me sound a bit cray-cray. But I'm posting this because I just want to find out what's causing it or what it even means and how to remedy it. Being able to post here makes me feel a bit better. I guess a bit more background would be necessary but I'm not sure what to say.
Re: That Evil Little Voice in My Head  [message #68485 is a reply to message #68484] Fri, 09 May 2014 22:38 Go to previous messageGo to next message
timmy   United Kingdom

Has no life at all
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13499



You seem to want to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory, almost as if you feel you don't deserve to be happy. This is quite deep stuff. Is there a counsellor you can talk to?



Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
Re: That Evil Little Voice in My Head  [message #68486 is a reply to message #68485] Sat, 10 May 2014 02:11 Go to previous messageGo to next message
IslandDweller is currently offline  IslandDweller   Philippines

Getting started
Location: Philippines
Registered: February 2013
Messages: 7




'you feel you don't deserve to be happy' Hmmm...  that sounds strangely true to the situation. I guess it is quite bad...

And no, no one to talk to at all. Practicing psychologist(psychiatrist)s are not very common (as far as I can tell) here in where I live (and no such thing as pro bono). And the only counselor I know is my school counselor... but school is out for the summer and I have no way of contacting her.
Re: That Evil Little Voice in My Head  [message #68487 is a reply to message #68486] Sat, 10 May 2014 08:50 Go to previous messageGo to next message
timmy   United Kingdom

Has no life at all
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13499



Since no-one is available the best thing you can do is to 'talk' these feelings through here. When you have written them down, look at them and consider what they mean, what they say about you, and what you want to do, if anything, to change that.

We neither deserve to be happy nor to be unhappy. We create each of those things for ourselves. If you disbelieve me, look at the very wealthy and the very poor. Consider their happinesses and unhappinesses. Look at the sometimes immense joy of those living in grinding poverty and the awful unhappiness of those living in wealth. I do not mean that the poor are happy and the wealthy unhappy. I am using it to let you se how we create our feelings. The wealthy are happier, in general, than the poor because they do not have to worry about where the next meal is coming from. 

So, you can create the way you feel. That is what you are doing. That's ok until you choose destruction. Since you don't have the luxury of a therapist, what you need to do is to work out how to create the environment in your mind where the temptation for self destruction is switched of. Not so easy, but, with some work, possible.



Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
Re: That Evil Little Voice in My Head  [message #68488 is a reply to message #68484] Tue, 13 May 2014 07:51 Go to previous messageGo to next message
timmy   United Kingdom

Has no life at all
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13499



Knowing you have no access to a counsellor or therapist, I posed your question to one I know. He made this observation
Quote:
Your man may, I wonder, be trying to create prophecy so he can empower an outcome. "There, told you so, I'm not good enough". Or, he is considering the harmful thoughts because it is all he 'might' be able to do. Just possibilities among so many in what is undoubtedly a very complex situation.
 

I wondered how you think it may fit your situation?



Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
Re: That Evil Little Voice in My Head  [message #68489 is a reply to message #68488] Wed, 14 May 2014 03:09 Go to previous message
Smokr is currently offline  Smokr   United States

Likes it here
Location: the burning former USofA
Registered: July 2010
Messages: 399



I in no way mean to belittle your situation, but I think we all have those times in our life and development.
Firstly, those 'evil little voices' are what I call impulses. We all have them. Even the most honest and upright of us will have an occasional thought to take, break, or damage something that doesn't belong to us, hurt someone, or do something we know isn't the right thing to do. Humans are full of such impulses. It is how we handle them, and whether or not we follow those 'evil little voices'/'impulses' that determine what kind of person we become.
Those who learn to refuse those impulses/voices entirely become very good people who are recognized as reliably honest and forthright. They are rare.
Those who only give in on very rare occasions become known as fairly decent and pretty honest - the typical and normal decent person who has friends, relationships, and lives a fairly good life.
Those who give in more often, become thugs and criminals, are known to be untrustworthy, and have few friends and few close/successful relationships, and end up being self-destructive.
Those who give in and listen to those impulses/voices all the time, end up politicians.

I remember being worried that I thought such things, and worried that it meant that I was doomed to a life of crime. I wanted to take things that didn't belong to me from the little store on the corner. I didn't have much money, and felt I deserved it as much as anyone else, I just didn't have the money. The store could afford to replace it, so why not?
But I didn't feel right about it. Like you have. You battled with the temptation and don't do it. You've already won multiple times. Just keep winning. It might get tougher, but you need to get tougher.
If you need to talk to someone about it in person, try your parents. No matter what your age. Or siblings. Or a good friend or cousin or someone. You don't have to make a big, deep deal of it, just mention that you have thoughts about doing stuff to get in trouble, and you don't want to be in trouble or do those things. I bet they will admit to having the same voices/thoughts. And maybe they can offer tips that helped them defeat them.
I thought how much trouble it would get me into. How my folks would be let down, how I would have to go through the whole deal with the cops, and how embarrassed I'd end up being, and how the shop keeper wouldn't trust me again and might not let me in his store again. How every time I saw that in another store, I would have to remember how I'd stolen one, and how much trouble that had caused. I'd have to relive it every time.
No thanks!
Instead, I didn't do it, and now I can think about how I didn't, and that I avoided all that trouble, and grief, and embarrassment, and God knows what else. I remember how I walked with a bounce in my step when I went to the shop after that, and how great I felt that I hadn't messed up being able to drop in that little shop and get the things I wanted and could afford whenever I wanted and could afford it.
Maybe I had it easy with that, I don't know. There were other such things as well.
I once wanted to mess up my buddies computer when he got a better one that I had. I had a Commodore 64 and he got an Amiga. I was jealous, and wanted to poke the memory slot that directed the thing how to start up. If you poked that with an invalid number, the computer became a paperweight. Back then, the 'poke' command entered a value in that part of memory, and if you did it to an address in a certain range with an invalid value, it would screw up things monumentally. I knew the ranges that controlled the startup conditions, and I knew any value but the correct one would kill his computer. There were thousands of values, it was a five-digit number, and anything but the very few that provided a workable instruction would turn the computer into a dead lump. Man, I wanted to kill that computer. He would never have known. He would have come in and turned it on and it just would never have started up and he would never have known why. His parents would probably have returned it for an exchange and gotten another, it was brand new, and I could have done it to that one too. But I sat there and waited for him to get home and didn't touch his computer. I felt pretty good about myself. But man, how I sat there and looked at that thing and wanted to turn it on and start poking random numbers into all the memory registers I could before he came home. Jealousy. Ick.
Anyway. We have such thoughts. We all have to learn to deal with them. Sometimes they get to be too much and we need help. That is one of the things family and friends are for.

[Updated on: Wed, 14 May 2014 03:10]




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