|
|
Just letting anyone who reads this know, that if you ever need someone to talk to, you can talk to me.
I'll do my best to help you.
Take care. And thanks.
~J
|
|
|
|
|
timmy
|
|
Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13756
|
|
|
What I like best is that the people like Josh who are in pain can reach out to others to see if they can help them through what they are going through.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
|
|
|
|
|
|
Thanks Timmy.
I know what it's like to be in pain, so I don't want anyone else to feel the way I do.
I want to help people, if I can. And I hope I can.
Take care.
~J
|
|
|
|
|
|
Howdy Guys :)
Been quite some time since I was here too... albeit that I spend a lot of time in the shadows
So strange that I've seen your post this week Josh - It's been about six almost seven months now since I broke-up with my ex and often I drift away to think about what it could have been like if things had worked out between us... But then almost out of nowhere it feels like someone or more aptly something PUNCHES a huge bleeding, painful hole through my chest.
And very shortly after that I'm mostly unable to breathe, if I'm standing up I have to reach out to brace myself or I'll fall flat on my face, if I'm sitting or laying down I can't get up, in fact it feels like my insides are being heaved out through the eye of a needle.
And it's all because of one boy from high school that I just never got over... in fact I know now that none of my relationships have worked out to date because I just keep comparing every guy I meet to this one boy.
I know I should just tell Kurt that I loved him but I just don't think I have the balls... Scariest thing is that there really wouldn't be anything to lose :blush:
I've tried to make changes but I just keep falling into the same old trap and routine (OMG Here comes the hole again... you see now, that I can't even talk about it without a relapse) ... Sorry I had to take a moment :(
I also got news this week that one of my gay mates is getting married 8o my initial response was W.T.F! (and I kept that to myself) but I congratulated him and wished him well. It probably would have been a lot more sincere if I wasn't absolutely mortified that I was losing another opportunity to be with an awesome guy because I'M JUST TOO DAMN POLITE TO OPEN MY TRAP AND SAY ANYTHING...
On the flip side and with some introspection I don't think I am or have ever been in love? And even more recently I've established that I don't think I want the 'love' or sex... I just want some intimacy, and that's what I miss most about my ex or any relationship I've been in.
The joy of just being able to feel a warm body next to yours when you get into bed, an ambiguous embrace that ends in cuddles on the sofa, a smile when you walk through the door from a long day at work and a simple kiss on the forehead at no particular moment. I call these simple things but whether they are or not is a matter of perspective as with much in life.
My feelings of anxiety, depression, loneliness and hurt are also only ever amplified by my feelings of worthlessness, inadequacy and ugliness (People tell me all the time how Handsome and Beautiful I am but I've NEVER Believed it) and I'm just living in a viral negative feedback loop at the moment. It really is quite sad... I've joked with Family and Friends lately that I should just marry my PlayStation and we've all laughed but I don't think I was joking.
I have always been happy being gay, I know it's not an easy lifestyle which comes with its own challenges and acclamation but I would never have changed anything about myself... Up until late last year, I've never questioned my sexuality but it is happening more and more often which also makes me quite uncomfortable.
What the Hell is wrong with me..? Is there really anything wrong or is this just life..? I know they say it gets better but does it really..?
I'm 31 this year and I feel like all the best times are already behind me, maybe all I need is a good swift kick in the ass to get me back on track.. *sigh* ... And so are the days of our lives
Thanks for letting me rant always know I can come to y'all to clear my head and get some good life guidance
Oh and Josh my poetry is still the only thing that keeps me from going right off the deep end, hope you're still writing too
[Updated on: Tue, 31 May 2016 13:02]
"And so the lion fell in love with the Lamb"
"What a stupid Lamb"
"What a sick, masochistic lion"
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
timmy
|
|
Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13756
|
|
|
I'm with Josh. I let the boy I didn't tell have power over me from 1965 almost to the present day. Telling him I adored him would have resolved this, and I would not have made myself unwell and hurt myself by obsessing over him.
Tell him.
Take whatever happens as the outcome. If he spits at you or kisses you, either is acceptable. In each case you can move on.
What is the worst than can happen?
Latterly I discovered I didn't even like him much
[Updated on: Tue, 31 May 2016 14:50]
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
|
|
|
|
|
|
OK... so it is time and I'm scared as all hell...
I sat last night and wrote a letter to Kurt, short sweet and to the point on how I've been feeling and how I've felt over the years. I've read it, added some things to it, reworded the letter and now... Now I just can't bring myself to hit send...
Is sending him an email even the right thing to do..? Shouldn't I make slightly more of an effort and try to find a number to call him..? How is this going to make him feel..? After all I've said and done I still don't want to hurt him.
I've tried to explain as best I can that I don't mean any malice and that I'd just like him to try and understand... After all shouldn't he take it as a compliment..?
Still so MANY Questions and not very many answers...
I WILL SEND the mail today regardless of the probable outcome... I have to, not for anyone else but for ME
:(:cry::(:cry::(
"And so the lion fell in love with the Lamb"
"What a stupid Lamb"
"What a sick, masochistic lion"
|
|
|
|
|
timmy
|
|
Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13756
|
|
|
This is a thing that needs to be purely selfish. Ideally, call him. It takes a lot of will to do it.
You can not hurt him by telling him he was adored.
Do I need to say that again?
You can not hurt him by telling him he was adored.
Sending an email will not give you closure. I know, believe me I know. It is well worth a call.
If you email him, send a very simple email. "I'm trying to catch up with my old friends. May I phone you? I don't have your number, I'm afraid. Here's mine in case you would like to call me."
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
|
|
|
|
Goto Forum:
|