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Someone you trusted spilled the beans? Or someone saw you at a place that led them to think you were gay? Or they saw some note about someone you liked, do you remember that? Do you remember the fear that came with that? I sure do.
What did you do? Did you pretend it didn't happen? That's what I did for a while. Later I knew I could not change it so I still pretended. Eventually, I found that it really didn't matter what they thought. However, I still pretended. Till I didn't care anymore. But that was just me. I am sure your story is different.
Tell me how you felt, please. What did you do? Tell me how you delt with friends and family, please.
I hope we can help others this way.
Much love to all of you,
Kevin
"Be excellent to each other, and, party on dudes"!
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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I was outed in my freshman year of High School but there were rumors circulating before that I am sure.... One thing I was totally adamant about was that I would not deny who I was. This led to a chain of events that eventually brought me to where I am now.
I just don't want to address here and now....
I don't want to spoil my day....
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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a cousin of mine and i are still not speaking, even though my "incident" happened about .. four years ago, i believe.
what happened was: i was at a place he worked at, but i wasn't aware he worked there. i was there with a friend of mine, who had just come out, and we were talking and making jokes here and there ... it was during my custody trial and i was particularly guy-bitter. by then, most of my closest friends knew i was bi-sexual, but it didn't extend beyond that very small circle.
apparently my cousin overheard this, and told his brother, who is the cousin that is "the cool one" of that family, and i sometimes hang out with. his friends are mutual friends of my ex. so the story gets passed along AND blown up to i kissed and groped my friend in this restaurant, and while no, it didn't happen like that, i denied the other parts. i was terrified i'd lose custody of my daughter. her dad lies in wait, waiting for me to screw up somewhere, so he can attempt to take her away, even though he can't handle more than one overnight every 2 weeks. i know many court systems no longer take sexual preference into consideration ... but many still do.
i felt like such a liar, to myself and to others. i was so angry at my cousin that i ranked him out at one of our family functions because "he was such an unfounded liar, delusional, insane," you name it, i said it. all to defend my "name," even though he was half right.
when i finally "came out" to my mom just over this past winter, the first thing out of her mouth was, "well then why did you get so angry at josh if you're a lesbian after all?" and i said i was not a lesbian, i just like who i like, am attracted to who i'm attracted to, etc. she was completely blown away that i'd put up such a stink, and then spent the next few days in shock. i thought she hated me. she ended up saying that she'd love me no matter what, but i can't expect her to just "suddenly" be okay with it.
though my GF has visited here once, and my mom was very pleasant to her, she still had issues. we had a big blow out about "watching what we do in front of shiloh" even though .. the GF and i don't .. do anything, but anyway. she said that we were "touching" and shiloh could see, and i said shiloh wasn't even in the room, and so what if she was? and she said i had to be careful because of her father, and what HE would do if he found out. which yes, i do ... but i think this was more her issue than that instance.
as far as how to deal, i'm not sure what to say. i still am. i watch how my mother "perks" up when i say this guy or that guy is cute ... and yet i'm biting back the next part of, "and maybe he's gay, or at least bi, so that my ideal situation can maybe happen..." i could never show her QAF; she would never see how truly beautiful it is, she'd never see past guys kissing and groping and more so. i STILL haven't said anything to my brother or father, and family beyond that doesn't know. i don't really have any local friends (is that not pathetic...) anymore, as they've either married, moved away, or both, so that's not a problem.
i admit i'm scared to tell my brother and dad. this does NOT get any easier beyond the teen years, i can say that much. i'm constantly scared i'll turn the wrong way and wind up in a courtroom, and then appealing left and right until i get shi back, were i to lose her. sometimes i think i should ignore the "bi" aspect because i have too much to lose. i think, "i can only go so far with a girl before i just cannot do anymore with her, sexually," and sometimes wonder if that means i should let it go. on the other hand, i know some are the same way -- i think that's what my GF's issue is, and when i try to shut down that side of me, it comes back.
for instance, the ER blood-drawer. 
i think we have to pick and choose our battles. it's NOT right, and it's NOT fair, trust me i know, but i'm just not sure what else to say. i know what i SHOULD say, but i know i'm not doing that either .. i'm still keeping secrets, and i may always keep it a secret. were i to find "the one" and if that "one" happened to be a female, then i would come out for her. she would deserve that much, in return for the hell she'd have to put up with given my custody situation, disease (not contagious, but not a walk in the park), and so on. if that "one" was a bi-sexual male, it would be the same. because i wouldn't deny him seeing a man now and again, if he felt he truly HAD to. and one day, shiloh will be old enough to SEE this. she knows what "gay" is, but all she has seen of it is my friend (the one i was in the restaurant with) and her "fiance" when they have come up to visit from arizona.
we shouldn't have to hide. i'm just scared that it's always going to be that way, that sometimes, we have to. but i think there comes a point when we can no longer hide, we owe it to ourselves and our souls and who we are, to not only come out of the closet, but burn it to the ground.
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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