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from an email:
i suppose the massive amount of coffee i'm drinking isn't going to help me relax... but i can't eat food and need to have something in there. i wouldn't be eating right now anyway, but i'm way too nervous. i imagine with "no time to eat" coming up with a busy semester, i'll fall back into full eating disorder throttle... hrm.
>
but it *is* about that ... it is to me. i know it shouldn't be, i *know* that, but it always winds up that way. i've heard that in these classes things get read aloud, or passed around and then read aloud, and i cannot, *cannot* be one of the pieces that get strange stares of confusion or contempt, or snickers beneath the breath. i can't be. writing is my calling, and i'm turning it down for something more logical, something faster that will 99% guarantee me a job when i finish. the least i can do is do her some sort of justice now that i'm letting her go...
___________________________________________________________________
i can't stop getting sick. *why* am i so nervous? i wasn't this nervous starting community college last winter ... it's a private college and all high and prestigious but focuses mostly on computer tech careers, vet tech, various medical and health fields, and math. but one can major in english there too, and i'm sure people in this creative writing class tonight, are. everyone's going to be better than i am. i shouldn't have taken this class. i should have taken something else related to phlebotomy like the rest of my classes. i am more terrified of this class than i am all the biology and lab and memorisation things. i'm scared and not ready to have it pointed out to me what countless publishing companies have already said.
i'm not cut out for writing, not really. they will all laugh at the fat girl who wishes she was a boy and doesn't belong in college, because she deserves to be strung up and strung out beneath a bridge overpass rotting and becoming part of the scummy, littered earth beneath.
T minus 3 hours.  :-/ :-/ :'-(
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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i guess i used the wrong quote format. where the > thing is, this is what was supposed to be there, in between my two paragraphs:
"Creative writing is *not* about being the best, and you know that. This class is a means for you to sharpen your skills and refine your style. It isn't about ranking or having the most popular bit of fiction on campus. Just relax and write... "
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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Honey, let me just tell you one thing about writing.
Write for yourself and the hell with all the others.....
No one in that class has the right let alone the gaul to criticise any work by any writer.....
Do you think any one of them are Leo Tolstoy?
I don't think so.......
Will Mark Twain be there in the back row?
I din't think so.......
Can you do as well as any one of them.....
Yes!!!!!!!!!! Absolutly you can.....
So give it your best shot and the hell with what they think.....
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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We all have faults, things with ourselves we're dissatisfied with. God knows how many of those I got. Some days I feel nothing's okay with me.
Those days I can only see my own flaws. Other people's troubles are as trivial to me as a leaf blowing in the wind somewhere where no man, woman or child has ever set foot. That is how I see you, a beautiful girl with wonderful qualities, carrying a lot of friendship and compassion in her heart, nothing else.
It's not easy finding the right words to say to another when they're in pain. I struggle, not just because it's always difficult at these times, but because you're special to me. Very special, and I want this to come out just right, but like I said, it's not easy. I don't want to offer some stupid platetudes, I want to show you how much I really feel for you! How much I care.
It's not easy either to care from across the bloody atlantic ocean... But I do. I really do.
I'd hug you if I could, showing how much I care. I'd try to protect you, as best I can, easing your burden. I'm not perfect, I know that, but maybe I could get some things right.  I hope that I would be enough.
It is my wish I could do that for you, if you'd let me, but I'm a bit too far away. My arms are kinda short in comparison. Maybe my words are some comfort, I don't know. Like I said, I too often feel insufficient. I hope this comes out right, I'd like that, because you're a very special person in my book and I am so happy and privileged to have gotten to know you, even if just a little.
Lots and LOTS of love:
-Lenny.
PS: You ARE good enough for college! I'm telling ya the way it is, trust me on this one okay!
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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i love you, lenny. somehow, someway, however i can from across the atlantic, i love you. and i'm not afraid to say that here -- anyone can take that how it means, but you know how i mean it, i think.
thank you. i printed out this post of yours... it'll be in my pocket, then later my hand-journal. maybe that'll make up for an ocean's distance. do you think?
if there's anything i could ever do for you, somehow, someway, please tell me. and please don't hesitate to tell me. my stomach hasn't eased up any, but it will later, i think.
you're an amazing boy, lenny, regardless of whatever flaws you think you may have. you're a fantastic writer, an even better friend, and you will be a world-class, one-of-a-kind love to someone, someday... and they will be lucky, and i will be jealous.
thank you. so many hugs and smootches for you. and love.
heathyr
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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marc -- thanks so much. so so much. i will try my hardest to not care about what They think. it's just hard to do when i've spent most, if not all, of my life caring about what They think.
i will try. i'm about to leave now. so here i go. thanks. 
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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No Message Body
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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Aww Girl, I know it doesn't seem like it now, but actually you have nothing to worry about. Your going to knock em dead. Trust me.
Just keep in mind all your friends that think your really something special. I am one of many.
Keep smilin cause your worth it,
Kevin
"Be excellent to each other, and, party on dudes"!
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Hiya Heathyr...this reply is late...but I just wanted to underline what Lenny and Marc and Kevin said...you're fine, and the writing is just for you, at first at least...hang in there, and tell us what happened and how it went!
"Always forgive your enemies...nothing annoys them quite so much." Oscar Wilde
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and thanks you guys ... i know i get stupidly dramatic it's just writing is ... i can't even find words. haha. fancy that!
it went okay. 80 percent of the class is made up of graphics majors; communications or art or whatever. there's a surgical tech taking it because he "had to fill in a credit," and then there is me. we had to introduce ourselves and my voice sounded very small and quiet and not like me. i said, "my name is heathyr r---- and i am in the phlebotomy program. i'm taking this class as a farewell to my english major. in my free time i write, write, i'm a single mother, and i also write." people chuckled, it was okay.
our first assignment is a short story (3 are required for term, along with 9 poems, 25 pages minimum for a "journal," and then a portfolio of all our work at the end of term... a term is 10 WEEKS and i have 3 other classes omg), 500 to 1500 words. i'm sort of cheating -- i am taking the situational essay that is on my website, and revising that, tweaking, adding to it, and making it into a short story. i figure it's my work, so i can do that. plus i need it to be somewhat "easy," as i am a hair away from finishing a little ditty for the contest here, and as well have to swallow down the intro-work to my other classes this week.
my story submission that was due in december is probably a no-go. that company won't be taking new submissions for another 2 years, but i will burn out otherwise. i'm still going to write that story ... it's the one i was originally going to submit here, but decided not to. it's far too personal, and way too long, and had nothing to do with the parameters.
private college is very different from public/community college. though there are hundreds of students, it's still WAY less than the latter college system. everyone was ... friendly. i didn't get lost there, either. they have ceiling-signs i didn't notice before. but you pass people in the hallways and they smile at you -- 4 people smile, and 7 smiled and said hello. one of them i passed 4 times when just wandering before class started, and he kept grinning bigger and goofier each time. i guess you get what you pay for ... at my old college you looked at no one, talked to no one unless you already knew them. here it's so much better.
the only thing is, at my old college, it was imparative to park as close to the building as possible. those were the hot spots. here? you want to park as close to the street as you can. i of course didn't know this, and while class got out at 9:40 (and the professors are anal about that -- private college, i guess, also means more restrictions/strictness), i didn't get OUT of the parking lot until 10:08 PM. AUGH!!!
so i survived. i have a massive headache, but i survived. i'm a little daunted about the class, though ... i already know there are two others in there i will be secretly and helplessly (just can't help it..) competing with. one of them is a girl who asked if it matters how "disturbing" our stories/poems are (and usually *i* am the only one writing disturbing, dark, or taboo things...). the other one was someone who spoke very smoothly, seemed bored (usually a sign), and very confident.
all of you are just great, and so supportive. thanks so much. so many hugs for you, and just .. wow. thanks. i'm sorry i'm so manic, heh!
h.
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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My dear girl.... you have absolutely nothing to worry about...
I know everyone has been saying that... but every one of us mean it...
Besides... no matter what anyone says about your writing... who are they to criticize anything at all anyway???? They are in no way prolific authors in their own right.... so... as they say across the lake from you ... f**k em !!!!!!!
And always remember.. when you get nervous in front of others... just close your eyes and picture them sitting there in their underwear... cuz we all put our pants on one leg at a time...
You are a sweet and wonderful girl, H..... and so is your little pixie.... so just love you and her and forget the other mess for a while if u can... besides... You are totally loved here.....
BamBam.....
Celebrate your life... embrace your love... Become intimate with your place in forever !!!
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too tired for more of a reply, but thank you paul. i feel guilty hiding behind away messages tonight, but it's been a loooonnnng night. i fear mondays and wednesdays (medical terminology this night) will just be that way for the next 10 weeks...
but danielle -- i will pop off and at least give you a hug before i go to sleep shortly. i promise.
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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It's not a competition, like you already pointed out. Don't worry about the "disturbing girl" or the quiet and confident one either. They're not your competitors and they're not BETTER than you. Just different.
Please submit whatever it was you were going to submit... I beg you. Please. I want to read what you write.
Thanks sweetie, for being here, brightening my and everybody else's day. You might not feel it, but that's what you do, believe it or not!
Warm hugs n lotsa love:
-L
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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well, i can't really submit the one i was originally going to, as it's only 2 chapters done so far. *sheepish!* i stopped working on that one to work on this one for timmy's contest, and i'm not sure now, when i'll get back to it. but that is the one i was all fretting about when i first came here; it involves "me" in the mix.
this other one has aspects of me, too, but not as deeply. parts of it are dreams. you'll see!
thank you lenny...
and kevin and paul and marc and david and everyone else here. thanks. (((hugs)))
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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Heathyr.... just remember on mondays and wednesdays that your neighbor friend from across the pond loves you and is thinking about you...
and remember too... there is no one better than you... no one in the history of the planet has ever been like Heathyr... which places you on top of the unique scales of the world.
Just go for it sweetie.... it will be all good... and reach out any time you need a hug or even a little push forward.....
(((((((((((((((((way suuuuuper super tight hugs back !!!!!!!!)))))))))))))))
Bam;-D ;-D ;-D ;-D ;-D
Celebrate your life... embrace your love... Become intimate with your place in forever !!!
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thanks, paul.
i have so much homework (already!) it's not even funny.
in anatomy, we have a test every week; and every test day, 15 to 25 pages of our workbook (answers taken from lecture notes and the corebook) due as well.
i haven't taken medical terminology yet - that class is tomorrow night (3 hours and 40 minutes of .... receiving and spitting back words, oh GOD), but rumor has it the homework load, as it's an entire huge book and dictionary in just 10 weeks, is insane. luckily it's all memorisation and i'm good at that.
creative writing: 3 short stories and 9 or 10 poems (can't remember) due by term. i said that already somewhere else, ehe!
and then on october 20, i have asepsis class starting (intro to disease control, contamination, decontamination), but that's only 3 sessions worth of class time, so it's the last 3 weeks of this term at least.
i will lose my head. WTF was i thinking?????
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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robert bryce
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Really getting into it |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 414
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hey girl,I want a hug too..........rob
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robert bryce
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Really getting into it |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 414
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I am still waiting for MY hug girl so lets hop to it........rob
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there you go! one, and then another because i wasn't here/didn't keep up.
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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H... you ar too intelligent to lose your head.. just keep pushing !!!!! REmember, it is all fun, and some day you will actually use all this info you are getting now...
Oh yeah, and send me the short story and i will read it and critique it for you... it will be this evening tho.. cuz i have to go to iron mountain, michigan today.
Have a great day, and SUPER HUGE HUGS to you...
Peace and Sunshine....
BamBam
Celebrate your life... embrace your love... Become intimate with your place in forever !!!
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i hear it's snowing in northern michigan/UP .. is that where iron mountain is? ha, i live here and don't even know!
and thanks, i'll email the story shortly.
and you know, i've read that it's always the geniuses that lose their minds first ... not that i am one, my IQ is somewhere around above-average but i'm sure i've lost a few points over the years. ah, well. crazy people are more interesting... )
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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scared sick to my stomach ... *why*?? 
Girl, I luv ya regardless you know... 
Re: scared sick to my stomach ... *why*?? 
It'll be okay my dear... It'll be okay. 
Re: Girl, I luv ya regardless you know... 