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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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I'm just having one hell of a tough time. I really don't know where to turn or what I need. Thinking about "kissing a semi" is becoming more than a daily occurance. I just keep thinking if I did it at night it would look like I feel asleep at the wheel and it wasn't intentional...I don't want my family to go through the pain of a suicide. The sad thing is that it's the only way I can think of that would finally make all the pain(emotional) go away.
My "closest" friend keeps telling me I need to back off and I try but it seems no matter what I do it isn't enough, and it's killing me to stay away. I really care about him and we used to hang out and do stuff together all the time. I really want that back, but I don't know how to get it back. And if my closest friend doesn't "want me" why would anybody else??
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That way I could really help people and do something real for them when they are in need. If I were a powerful god, I would even know exactly what each person needs to feel whole.
That's a nice thought, but unfortunately that is also all it is.
I do know one thing though; 'kissing a semi' is not a good idea, if for no other reason than the fact the driver of that semi most likely has family and friends as well, and it would be cruel to risk another person's life just because you're unhappy with your own. Even if the semi driver survives, it would probably be a difficult thing living with the fact there was a crash, and that you did not. The driver might blame himself (or herself, for that matter) for your death.
Maybe, if you told a bit more about the exact nature of the pain you're suffering from, someone wiser than me could offer some more helpful advice... After all, you dangle the hook for us to grab, so why not let out some more line? I mean, it's not as if you got anything to lose, right? 
Talk to us. Please. We honestly want to help!
Hugs from your new friend:
-Lenny
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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Their is no situation wich can't be made a little better with time. Even if that means just getting past the pain.
Having felt like that in my past, and even acting on it, I can tell you that it was a very stupid thing I did. I am just lucky it didn't work. For me the real problem was the feeling of hopelessness. That feeling does not last forever.
Talk to friends that you trust. And if you feel you can't, talk to someone professionally. Couselers can really help you through those feeling if you don't want to talk with friends or family.
Trust me, it will work out in the long run. In the mean time, keep going one day at a time, please.
May happiness smile on you very soon,
Kevin
"Be excellent to each other, and, party on dudes"!
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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I'm a registered user here but I was to ashamed to make this post under my own sn. Yes I do feel pretty hopless right now, I've felt this way many times before and I've gotten past it. This time I also feel helpless. Whats really got me down is feeling hated by my best friend and not even knowing what I did wrong. I can't take it. If I wasn't here anymore then he wouldn't hate me anymore and I wouldn't bother him!
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-- quite the opposite: it will trap you there forever. you will not have peace. regrets are going to haunt you, images are going to haunt you, and you will never be free. here, you at least have the chance to work past it, or wait for your friend to come around. to find new friends, and i know you've found some, if you're a regular user here and everyone is so friendly.
there, you have no chances. you only have yourself and the memories and the what if's and the if only's and i am telling you, ...whoever you are, that the pain of that kind of half-existence with no peace, no rest, is of a magnitude so bad you have to be dead already to be able to handle it.
how do i know this, being that i'm still alive? once, i almost wasn't. once my heart stopped, my brain, and my breath, and i was pretty much dead for enough time that i should not be here. i thought the same things you are. and i thought, 'my own tormentor decided to torment and hurt and traumatise someone else tonight because i'm out of town. who is going to want me if even *he* doesn't?'
so i did it. if not for a freak of fate consisting of fifteen seconds, i'd be dead. people talk a whole lot of crap about white lights and tunnels and seeing god and their dead relatives and it being all gorgeous and light, and i am telling you flat out, taking this route to the crossroads is not pretty, it's not light, it's not love and a sudden release of burden and pain. it's *nothing*. there IS nothing. it's being trapped fully conscious and fully able to think and remember and wonder and analyse and being unable to move and do a thing about it.
it is NOT worth it. it's not. it's impossible to make peace with things so you can move on, i bet, when you're unable to even reach those you have to make peace with.
i'm not saying any of this to chastise you or criticize, if anything i just want you to see you are NOT alone, you are NOT alone in thinking this way or having thought this way, and you're not alone anyways. if your friend is unable to have you as a friend and cannot see you as this wonderful person i bet you are, bet i know you are, then that is not your loss. people push away for strange reasons sometimes, it might not even have anything to do with you, and what if you found that out after you kissed this semi? it's not worth the hell and un-endings ... it's not worth what i know you would go through, not to mention your family, your friends, the family of whoever else driver, etc.
please don't do it. even if this is just an inkling or a fleeting emotion, i can't help it. someone could be joking about it and i'd still go off on a tangent. i'm the world's biggest hypocrite, i know, given things i've said to others that have pretty much insured i will never have a friendship with them now, but i mean what i say. talk about it all you want, because i know it needs to come out, but DON'T do it. do not do it. it will not be worth it.
h.
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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that you scare me a little.
If you are a regular, please let your family here help you. There's nothing to be ashamed about, how many times haven't I been in the pits and people here coaxed me back out again?
They can do that for you too you know, they'd be happy to be allowed to help.
You say you're being hated by your best friend, what's happened to make him behave like that? Can't you talk to him, or talk to someone else you know to go talk to your friend?
There's always a way you know.
Take care.
Don't be scared!
Hugs:
-L
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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I know, and I honestly don't think I could do it. But today seems like one of those days I shouldn't have even gotten out of bed, HELL it all started before I got out of bed with no true aparant reason. I know that there are people that care but it's not RL. I know that I have somewhere to turn here but I need the people in RL to care to. Most imortantly I need to start caring about me and really don't.
Thanks for showing your support
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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Many here have been in the same place as you..... Several much worse.....
I know first hand what depression can do and I can tell you that there is help and hope.
Not one person here will be judgmental about whatever it is you need to say.
Please talk to us.... We'll be here 24-7 if you need it....
Just talk to us....
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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We truly do care.......
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13751
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I was there. I was 17. Didn't do it, and sometimes wonder why not. Except I was terrified of pain and also needed to seem someone before I died.
I suppose you can choose to die. Well, no suppose about it. You can. And there you are. Gone.
The people behind will be sad as hell. And angry at you for dying too soon.
The other guy's family will hate you because you harmed their fella.
None of this will matter to you. You'll be dead.
Unless there is an afterlife, when you'll get to see the havoc you caused.
Not gonna tell you how much there is to live for. If you can't see it then you can't see it. It's a sort of self fulfilling thing. Just gonna suggest you hang aropund a while. No big deal about hanging. Heck, you can always do the deed later. What's a few days? Risk it.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Sometimes life will throw us a curve ball, that is really hard to read... or is hard to catch...
Sometimes it is inside us, and sometimes it is outside of us... but it affects us really strongly either way...
The best, most caring advice I can give you is to be totally honest with yourself, and give yourself no way out except to deal with the situation the best you can... and slowly walk your way through it... with someone else who will help you if you can find someone...
My counselor once told me "Pain is not wrong or bad. It just is... like water, it just is. But it tells us something. So use it like a tool, and find out what causes the pain... and slowly and carefully walk through it until you find out what causes it. Embrace it and let it help you through life."
I went from being suicidal to being in love with life. I love my life now... some 10 years later... and celebrate it in some way every day. My heart is light, and joyful... and life is good...
You have friends here. You are loved here, and it may be a good thing you stayed anonymous for now... but just know, we all care about you....
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGE HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Peace, Peace, and Love.....
BamBam :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
Celebrate your life... embrace your love... Become intimate with your place in forever !!!
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If you did decide to end your suffering and pain through suicide, would that solve the problem that is bothering you in the first place? Would your friend have a chance in the future to rethink his approach to the problem and make up? Would you have the chance to get past the hurt and find another "true love"?
Email me if you want to talk.
Hugs, Charlie
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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I do have great friends here and the ones that really know me knew it was me. With their help and all of the support and care that has been showed I'm going to be ok. My heart is broken and it hurts but I as all of you have been hurt before, I bounced back then and I'll do it again, Probably more times than I care to count.
Today was just one of those days, tonight has been better, and tomorrow is a new day to make whatever i choose happen!!!!
I know there are people that care about me and believe in me, it's time for me to believe in me to!
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it takes time to believe in one's self though, and we all know that, and no one's asking you to just wake up one day and believe in yourself. we'll be here with you, 'guesting' or otherwise.
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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Close friends can be close and still not have to be joined at the hip. Everyone needs space from time to time. Everyone needs to be able to do things without prying eyes from time to time.
The old saying, "Absense makes the heart grow fonder" is a very accurate statement you know.
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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I am quite aware of that. I have many friends some are closer than others some irl and others not. Some I've only known for a short time and others I've known what seems to be forever. I care about all of my friends but the ones I really care about I put in front of all others most of the time including myself.
The hard thing about being "separated" is that I was so used to being with him. If I wasn't used to such a pattern then this wouldn't feel the same. But that foundation of hanging out and being together has been laid so now it's hard to turn back.
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robert bryce
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Really getting into it |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 414
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With due respect may I enter this thread,I wont say much,but what I have to say may be important..I have lived my life close to the edge,very close to the edge..Since I lost my soulmate as a teenager,every day seemed a reminder of my loss..Anger at GOD,at myself and my parents that trashed our two lives..For some forty five years I have lived a death wish,hoping that some stupid act would take my life as I thought it was worthless..Well I did do something stupid and ended up wheelchair bound and alone..No family except a homophobic brother and no friends because I isolated myself...There are no guarentees that one will succeed in killing ones self..Death sometimes cheats us and leaves a shattered body but still alive,sometimes with no hands to pick up the pieces...It is a fact that most people do not broadcast what they are about to do and there are other signs that are true indicaters of intent to destroy ones self...think carefully on what is happening in your life..Be able to see that deep depression is solvable..If you do not face and communicate that pain you are in,it WILL get worse...There are worse things than death.....rob
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Sometimes I wish I was a god... 
I think I speak for more than one person here when I say 
I'm gonna be ok thanks for your care and concern 